“Stop it.”
“Never.” We stared at each other for a moment, and then both realized that we should probably go to bed. And put some shirts on so we didn’t get distracted.
“What would you say if we shared a bed?” I asked, as she pulled on a baggy T-shirt and took off her jeans.
“I’d say that would be really nice. These beds aren’t really that big, so I’d get to be pressed up against you all night, and I can’t think of anything better,” she said. “But which bed?”
“Yours. Your comforter is softer.” It didn’t matter so much, since both beds were the same, but I liked the idea of sleeping in her bed, surrounded by her blankets and her scent.
“And your pillows are nicer.” I grabbed them off my bed and put them on hers.
I put a T-shirt on and she turned her back as I changed out of my jeans and put some shorts on to sleep in.
“Come snuggle,” Cordelia said, getting into bed and holding her arms out. I pretended to run and dive into the bed. She squealed and I crawled into her arms. She pulled the covers over us. I lay my head on her chest. It was the actual perfect pillow.
“This is awesome. We should have started doing this from the beginning,” she said, kissing my forehead.
“That might have been a little awkward at the beginning,” I said with a laugh. “Hi, I’m your new roommate, let’s snuggle.”
“I mean, I knew I wanted to kiss you. I had no idea why I was so attracted to you and couldn’t stop staring at you. Right away I had these feelings and didn’t know what to do with them,” she said. “I hope I didn’t come on too strong. I was kind of reeling it in at the beginning. You were so shy and I was worried about scaring you.”
“I was scared of you, but I thought it was just because of you being a new person and being in a new place and being around all these new people. Now I know what it was, but at the time I thought I was scared of you for different reasons.”
I could tell she was looking up at me in the dark.
“Are you still scared of me?” she whispered.
“Yes, but for completely different reasons.”
“Which are?”
I took a breath.
“I’m scared about how much I want you. I’m scared about how much I miss you when you’re gone. I’m scared about how fast this has happened. I’m scared about what will happen if things don’t work out. I’m scared about people finding out. I’m scared about telling my parents. I’m scared about a lot of things, Cordelia.” She might as well know. We had to be honest with each other.
She squeezed my hand and kissed my cheek. We both had class in a few hours, but this was the kind of conversation that you needed to have in the dark. It was easier to talk to her like this. When we were both drowsy and uninhibited by the light of day.
“I’m scared, too,” she said in a low voice. “I’m scared about how I feel about you. I’m scared about devoting all my time to you and fucking up in school and then dropping out. I’m scared about what my dad might say. I know he loves me no matter what. But I’m his only child and I just don’t know. I’m scared about redefining myself. Because I’ve never felt this way about a guy, so what does that mean? Does that mean I like girls, or is it just you? And how do I figure that out? How does anyone figure this out?” I didn’t have an answer for that.
“We could go to Kyle and Stella’s club with them. They said there were other people like us there. So maybe it would be good?” She nodded and then yawned so hard her jaw cracked.
“Yeah, I think so. We don’t have to figure it out tonight. There’s time.” She nodded and made a cute little sleepy sound.
“We should probably get to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be rough,” I said.
“Uh huh.” She was already halfway there. Strange, because she didn’t usually fall asleep that fast.
“Goodnight, Cordelia,” I said, kissing her forehead. She mumbled a goodnight and I finally let my eyes close.
It had been an interesting night.
CORDELIA WAS BEYOND grumpy the next morning. It was pretty cute though. I did feel partially responsible, but I didn’t regret how we had spent our night. As she moved around the room (stumbled around the room), all I could think of was how she’d looked last night, laying out on her bed, naked from the waist up. Her body was unbelievable. It was perfect. I couldn’t wait to touch her again. I couldn’t wait to get her clothes off again.
I’d never been so wrapped up in another person. I wasn’t running through my lists and schedules constantly. I had something to look forward to every single day. I had someone who smiled when she saw me. Someone who was so glad to see me. Being with her was the best part of my day.
“You’re staring at me,” she said, and I realized I had been. Oops?
“Sorry,” I said. She grinned.
“Don’t be. You can stare at me all you want.” She wiggled her hips and I laughed, but then realized how sexily she was moving and that shut me up.
“If you want either of us to get to class, you’re gonna have to stop doing that immediately.” She raised one eyebrow.
“Oh, really? Maybe I don’t want to go to class today. Maybe I want to spend all day in bed with you.” Images of what that could lead to flashed through my head.
“Cordelia,” I said in a warning voice.
She smirked at me and then sighed.
“Okay, fine. I’ll let you go to class. Only because I know that you’ll be mad at me later if I let you miss class.” That was true. I might want to skip now, but I would regret it later.
“Thank you,” I said, and she smacked a kiss on my cheek.
“See you later, C,” she said, flouncing off. I sat on my bed and just breathed in the silence of my room. It felt so empty without her in it. I looked at her bed, where the covers were in disarray and my pillows were on her bed. Since my pillows were white with blue stripes, and her covers were bright fuchsia, they clashed. Kind of like me and Cordelia, on the surface. We didn’t look like we went together at all.
I shook my head and started getting ready for class.
MY MOM CALLED ME THAT afternoon and I had completely forgotten about her previous call when I’d been messing around with Cordelia. We hadn’t really talked in a few days and a lot had happened.
“Hey, you sounded distracted last night and you didn’t call me back. What’s happening, Chase?” I could hear the worry in her voice. It wouldn’t have been a big deal, normally, but I was me and she knew me. I was a victim of my own past actions.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call you back. I was hanging out with my roommate and then I fell asleep early.” I mean, neither of those things was a lie. I’d simply left out the fact that we both hadn’t been wearing shirts at the time.
“How are things with Cordelia? Are you two getting along?” I was lucky Cordelia was still at class because I didn’t think I could have this conversation with my mother while she was in the room. No way. I wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face. Then Mom definitely would have known that something was up. As it was, I didn’t know if I could talk my way out of this conversation without her getting suspicious.
“They’re good. We get along great,” I said, and my voice sounded fake even to my eyes.
“Is she there, can you not really talk to me right now?” I sighed.
“No, that’s not it.” I heard a sharp intake of breath.
“Are you not getting along? What’s going on with you, Chase? I feel like we haven’t heard from you in ages.” It had been a week, tops, but that was out of character for me.
“I know, I’m sorry. I’ve just been busy with everything.” That distracted her for a little while and I was able to take a breather and talk about less-fraught topics.
Of course, we circled back around to my social life. I mentioned Kyle and Stella.
“They sound so nice, are they best friends?” It was a perfectly innocent question.
“No, they’re a couple,” I said, and braced for the impact.
br /> “Oh, how sweet. They sound like really nice girls. I’m glad you’re making friends, Chase. I didn’t want to worry too much about you, but I did anyway.” Phew. That was good. I knew both of my parents had progressive politics and had often been vocal about their support of the queer community, but it was a whole different situation when it was your daughter who was the queer one. If I was. I still didn’t know yet. I knew I wasn’t heterosexual, but other than that, it was all a giant mystery. I wasn’t ready to take that to my parents until I had something I could tell them besides “hey, I’m dating a girl and I really like her, but I have no idea if this makes me gay or not.” I was worried they might pressure me to find a label and slap it on, but I wasn’t ready. Fortunately, Cordelia wasn’t ready either and she told me that all the time.
“You sound busy and happy. I can put my mom worry away for now,” she said, and I laughed.
“Yes, you can put your worry away for now. Or maybe use it on Kate since you don’t need to focus on me.” Since I was the first born, I got more attention than she did, which she was still bitter about. I had told her time and again that she could have had that attention anytime she wanted it.
We finished our chat and I breathed a huge sigh of relief just as Cordelia got back from her class.
“Hey, how was your day?” I set my phone down and gave her a kiss.
“Good. I just talked to my mom. Somehow I was able to talk my way around everything, so I don’t think she suspects.” Cordelia flopped on her bed. I’d made it up after she left. Cordelia never made her bed.
“I’m still trying to figure out what to tell my dad.” She rubbed her eyes. “Why is this shit all so complicated? Why can’t I just be with you without any of the other bullshit? If you were a guy, none of this would be stressing us out.” She pouted and I went over to sit next to her.
“Sorry, not a guy,” I said.
“Thank god. Although, you’d probably be the hottest guy.” I laughed about that.
“We should go on a date,” I said. “Like a real one, with just us.”
She turned her head to the side a little.
“Really? You think we’re ready for that?”
“You were literally licking my nipples twelve hours ago.” Her face flamed up and I felt a bolt of lust go through me. And how good she’d been at it.
“Mmm, fair point. But can the date involve nipple licking? Because I think I’m getting really good at it.” I snorted.
“I think we can arrange that when we get back. I don’t think a restaurant would be okay with public nipple licking.”
“Well, that’s just rude,” she said.
“You’re so cute,” I couldn’t stop myself from kissing her.
CORDELIA
Chase seemed to want to take the lead in planning our date, and she was the planner in this relationship, so I went ahead and told her to go for it. I figured if I was the one planning, she’d just be anxious about what we’d be doing and might not have a good time, so I let her take the lead.
My first date with a girl. It was surreal. I never thought I would be here, but I couldn’t imagine not being with Chase, now that I was. Ever since that first day, I’d known there was something special about her, something I had to be around.
I happened to run into Stella one afternoon when I was coming out of the bathroom. My last class had been cancelled, so I’d come back to my room and was trying to use the time constructively with doing homework, but I’d spent most of the time daydreaming about my upcoming date with Chase.
“Hey, how’s it going?” she said. “Are you busy right now? Do you want to hang out in my room? Everyone else is gone and I’m bored.” I didn’t even bother with the homework excuse. I could do it later.
“Sure,” I said, and we walked down the hall to her room. “Hey, I actually wanted to ask you something.”
“Go for it,” she said as we both sat on her bed.
“So, Chase and I are going on our first date, which is bizarre, but I’m wondering ... how do I date a girl? Like, who pays? I know that’s a weird thing to ask, but I feel like if she was a guy, there would be all these established rules and I have no idea what the rules are for girls dating girls.” She smiled and put her hair over her shoulder.
“You’re reminding me of my first date with Kyle. Neither of us really knew if it would qualify as a date. She was still really new, but I’d known I was a lesbian for a while. Still, it was a lot of guesswork. And I think we figured along the way that we could make our own rules. That a lot of the rules for heterosexual couples were rooted in old ways that, sometimes, were completely misogynistic and outdated. So, really, you can do what you want. What feels right. That’s one of the best parts of being queer. You make your own rules.”
Wow. I hadn’t thought of it that way. Right now, it was like we were both walking forward without a map. The way Stella put it, we were in the process of drawing our own. Forging a new path that was whatever we wanted it to be, instead of being completely lost.
“I like that, thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Anytime you need advice, don’t hesitate to ask. We’re here for both of you. This can be hard to navigate, and we didn’t really have anyone so we fumbled along for a while.” She was right. We did have a lot of people to ask and who were supporting us. Even though our parents and families weren’t there, we had made up a new family somehow. A family we didn’t even know we needed until now.
“I really appreciate it. All this is still so surreal.” Stella nodded and gave me a knowing smile.
“I remember exactly what that was like. I was so scared to tell even my closest cheer friends and my brother.” I raised my eyebrow.
“You were a cheerleader.” She nodded and pulled up some pictures on her phone.
“Yup. Loved it. I thought about cheering here, but it’s such a huge time commitment and I didn’t want to take time away from being with Kyle. Cheer is important, but she’s more important.” Hearing her talk about Kyle almost made me want to cry. They were just so in love and that love shined out of both of them. It was a ferocious light that everyone could see. Only a tiny part of me was jealous.
Not that I loved Chase. Oh, hell, I wasn’t close to that yet. I couldn’t be close to that yet.
“When did you know?” She looked down and smiled.
“I don’t know exactly when it started. What moment, what clicked in my brain. I actually didn’t mean to say it out loud the first time I said it.” She laughed at the memory. “It just came out and by the time it was said, I couldn’t un-say it. And I’m lucky that she loved me too.” Her story was making my heart ache in the worst way. I wanted that.
“You look really happy together,” I said.
“We are. I mean, everything isn’t perfect, we still have our moments, but I love her. Sometimes it’s that simple.” Huh. I liked that. I was glad I’d run into her. I had needed to have this talk with someone.
“Seriously, thank you, Stella.” She brushed me off and asked if I wanted a snack. I did and we talked about other things until Elise got back and I realized that Chase would also be back any moment.
“Go get your girl,” Elise said, pushing me a little out the door.
My girl? Was Chase my girl? If she was my girl, did that mean that I was hers?
We still had so much to figure out, but Stella had helped a little.
I was only in the room for a few minutes when Chase got back. I almost tackled her before she had even got through the door.
“Oh, hey,” she said as I launched myself at her. I attacked her lips and her hands immediately went for my hair. She loved touching my hair and I loved it when she pulled on it just a little. Maybe I was kinky and I didn’t even know it?
I licked and kissed her mouth, reveling in her taste. I loved that she was taller than me. Loved the way her lips were curved. Loved the way her tongue played with mine. Loved the way her eyes got dark and she got a little bossy. Everything about her was designe
d to drive me wild, make me want her more.
I gasped and had to catch my breath. I always chose kissing over breathing with her.
“What was that?” she asked as we both held onto each other and trembled.
“I missed you?” I said, and it sounded like a question.
“I was only gone a few hours.” I laughed a little hysterically.
“I was talking with Stella and the way she was talking about Kyle, I don’t know, it just made me realize how much I like you. Because I do, Chase. I know this is new and scary, but I want to do this with you. I want to do all of this with you.” So far, we’d been girlfriends behind closed doors, but I thought I was finally ready to be out and open about being together. Even if people would ask a ton of questions. I could handle them, as long as she was by my side.
“I’m glad you talked to Stella then, Carrots.” I smiled at the nickname. It was the same one that Anne Shirley’s love interest, Gilbert Blythe, had called her. First as a taunt and later as an endearment. It was perfect.
“You can call me Carrots anytime,” I said. My knees were still wobbly from the kiss. I stumbled a little and she caught me.
“Are you ready to go to dinner?” Dinner? I blinked at her. I was still to flustered by the kiss and the nickname and the warmth flooding my chest by being near her.
“Yeah,” I said at last. “Let’s go to dinner, C.” Chase put her bag down and pushed the door open. I reached my hand out and took hers. She looked at me with surprise.
“Are we doing this now?” I had wanted to take her hand so many times and I was finally ready.
“I can’t let you have all the control. I did kiss you first.” Her eyes got dark.
“Mmm, but wouldn’t you like it if I had all the control?” she said in my ear as we walked down the hallway.
I shivered with desire and willed my face not to get red. She chuckled under her breath and knocked on Stella and Elise’s door. My brain had almost completely shut down and it was all I could do to walk down the hallway to the elevator with them and then to the dining commons next door.