Or was it Rafael?
“Did Taz seem a little out of it this afternoon?” he asked Tim.
Tim’s eyes still looked red. No help there. “I’m sure we’re all not at our best today, Tobias. Why? Are you worried about her?”
He shook his head. “No, not that. You know what? Never mind. I’m sure it’s nothing.”
* * * *
Matthias returned to their room and was lying on the bed when Taz emerged from the bathroom. She swallowed hard and sat next to him. “Are you okay?” She was still afraid to be close to him for too long, fearing he’d sense Rafe’s presence.
She reached out and touched his shoulder.
He took her hand and kissed it. “Thank you, Taz. It was a good service. I’m sure he would have approved.”
She hoped her smile looked right. Despite the stress, it was hard not to laugh. “Thank you.”
He gently pulled her to him, and she hoped he didn’t want to make love, but he didn’t. He wanted to take a nap, with her in his arms. That was fine with her. Later, they went downstairs to eat dinner in the hotel restaurant with the others. Taz tried not to look at Tobias, but she felt his eyes on her throughout the entire meal.
Rafe remained silent, not wanting to add to her discomfort, but she knew he was there, watching and listening.
* * * *
The next morning, she awoke with Matthias and showered, dressed, packed.
“I want to get on the road,” she said. “I’ll meet you all for lunch.”
He hugged her. “Okay.” He kissed the top of her head and released her, much to her relief. It was tiring holding a strong barrier against him all the time they were together. She knew it was even harder on him, feeling it.
He wanted to carry her bags for her, but she gently refused. “It’s okay. I’ll see you in a few hours. I just…I need some time alone.”
“All right.”
She let Rafe take over as she walked through the lobby doors. He was loading Taz’s bags in the trunk when he felt a hand on his arm and jumped, startled.
“Let me help, Taz,” Tobias said. His blue eyes burned into his.
Rafael hesitated. “Thanks. I’ve got it.”
“I insist.” He took the bag from Rafael, who noticed Tobias carried his own bag. “I told Matthias I’d ride with you. I hope you don’t mind?”
Rafael swallowed and shook his head. “No. That’s fine.”
“Shit,” Taz said. “That’s all we need.”
* * * *
Tobias watched Taz emerge from the elevator and walk across the lobby. At the doorway she’d hesitated, swaying slightly, and then her entire gait and demeanor changed.
Rafael. His walk, even how he carried the bags. It might be Taz’s body, but Tobias was convinced it was Rafael now in charge.
Whatever happened, it happened quickly. Tobias felt the shift in the air around her when it did. Would she dare shift back with him around?
They quickly reached I-75 and headed south. Taz, or was it Rafe, didn’t speak much. Answers to his questions were short and clipped, as if trying not to say too much. Her mental barrier was the thickest he’d ever sensed from any vampire. Whatever was going on, he would have to try finesse to find it out because brute force wasn’t an option no matter how strong he was.
After twenty minutes, she started to change lanes.
“What are we doing?” he asked.
“I’m going to top it off.”
He glanced at the console. “You filled it yesterday after the funeral. Surely we haven’t used that much gas yet?”
Taz swallowed uncomfortably. “Oh, yeah. I guess you’re right.”
* * * *
“Shit. Just drive, Rafe. There’s nothing you can do right now. You’re going to make him more suspicious.”
“This is driving me crazy, baby girl. I feel like I’m about to crawl out of my skin.”
“Yeah, well suck it up, buddy. Now you know what I was going through before I figured out you were here.”
They noticed Tobias glanced at them occasionally, appraising. Taz wondered how much he suspected, or if he was worried if she was on the way to another breakdown. When Tobias spoke to Rafe, sometimes Taz had to give him a mental nudge to answer. Rafe was trying to keep his mouth shut and pay attention to the road.
After two hours, Taz couldn’t stand it. “Find a gas station so we can go to the bathroom. You’re doing to drive me crazy.”
“How do you not lose your mind feeling like this all the time?”
“Who says I didn’t lose my mind? Pull over at the next exit.”
They did, quickly going to the bathroom and making the switch. Rafe looked at her in the bathroom mirror. “I’m sorry I’m putting you through this.”
She closed her eyes and met him in his mental room, taking a few precious minutes to feel his arms around her. “Let’s just survive this trip and get home, okay?”
“Yeah.” He kissed her and gently swatted her behind. “Go on, before he thinks you fell down the drain.”
She used the bathroom and returned to the pump. Tobias was hanging up the gas nozzle. “You don’t mind, do you?”
She smiled. “No, I appreciate it, Tobias. Thank you.”
They returned to the car and she hoped Tobias didn’t notice when she adjusted the seat and mirrors a little. Despite sharing a body, Rafe liked the seat pushed back a little farther than she did.
He did notice. “What are you doing?”
She forced a smile. “You know, hours driving, need a little change in position, that’s all.”
He nodded, but his curious stare was inscrutable.
* * * *
They stopped at the prearranged exit to wait for the others and had a long lunch before getting back on the road. When she asked him if he’d rather ride back with Matthias or the others, he smiled and said, “No, dear. I’m enjoying our time together.”
She looked a little sick to her stomach. “Great. Yeah, me, too.”
She was Taz again, no doubt. He tried to engage her in conversation and she only reluctantly replied. When they reached the house nearly an hour ahead of everyone else, she practically bolted up the stairs to their bedroom and closed the door behind her. There had been no other episodes during their ride.
Somehow, he would figure out what was going on.
* * * *
When Matthias returned home, Taz was already asleep. He undressed and curled up with her. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep. His mind raced, now, in the past.
To Rafe.
How could he begrudge what Taz had felt for Rafe? He couldn’t. Not when he knew his cousin had died loving her, and such irony it was. He’d mourned with Rafe when Cassandra died, barely able to shield his thoughts from Rafe.
His love.
And now their positions were reversed. Matthias had no doubts that if Rafe had met Taz first, she would have fallen for him, and hard. Just as he fell for Cassandra when Rafe introduced them.
Perhaps it was all the years, all the times they’d saved each other, their blood running through the other’s veins, that they had such similar tastes in women. The circle closed, only for good this time with Rafe’s death.
God, he missed Rafe. So many times he wanted to pick up the phone and call him, just to remember he was gone, wanting to bounce ideas off him, needing him for backup.
How would he go on without him?
And yet, it almost felt as if he was still around.
Taz had been right about that, without question. Matthias felt Rafael’s very essence, as if it permeated the air in the house. The funeral didn’t seem real, not really. She did such a good job with it all.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Taz worked despite the men’s requests for her to take more time off. She drove Rafe’s Mustang, his MP3 player blaring. She spent more and more time with Rafe at night, lying in bed with her eyes closed, Matthias assuming she was trying to sleep.
She was in Rafael’s arms. Talking
with him, staring at him. She couldn’t help it—and didn’t want to.
During her commute she talked to him, speaking out loud. She knew Matthias wanted her to ride with him, but she declined, needing the time alone.
With Rafe.
She sensed Matthias’ pain, but wasn’t ready to move forward. She needed to keep the barrier up between them, or he might sense Rafe’s presence. Then what would Matthias do? She wouldn’t give Rafe up, wouldn’t make him leave. And she hadn’t figured out how to talk to Matthias about it.
If she sheltered Rafe for a while longer, got used to the situation and fine-tuned her powers, Matthias must agree she was dealing and couldn’t force her to make him leave.
Then again, she didn’t think Matthias was strong enough to make her force Rafe out.
A few weeks after the funeral, Matthias had to go to New York for a meeting. “Do you want to go with me, Taz?”
She looked up from her desk. “Do you need me?” Truthfully, she wanted the time alone.
With Rafe.
He frowned. “I don’t need you there, but—”
“Then I should stay. I’ve got a ton of stuff to catch up on.”
He hesitated in her doorway then finally walked away.
“You hurt his feelings.”
She looked at Rafael’s ring, rubbing it. “I know.”
“He’s worried about you.”
“I know.”
“He loves you.”
She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to fight the tears. “I know.”
Rafe had quickly become the voice of her conscience.
Around five, Matthias stopped at her office door and knocked.
“I’m going.” He had his laptop case slung over his shoulder. That meant he would be out of the office for a few days.
She nodded. “Okay.”
He hesitated. “Did you want to grab dinner downstairs? I’m flying up tonight.”
She was in the middle of reviewing a contract that had to go out the next morning. “Can I take a rain check? I told LA they’d have this by morning.”
He looked down and nodded. “Okay.” He looked like he wanted to say something else, and she felt his tentative probe. She acted like she didn’t notice, didn’t respond. After a long, uncomfortable moment, he said, “I’ll be back in three days.”
“Okay. We’ll call you if there’s any problems.”
He paused, and she bit the inside of her cheek to fight tears.
“Taz, are we okay?” he softly asked.
She nodded, not daring to meet his eyes. “I have a ton of stuff to catch up. We’ll go out when you get back. We’ve got a company to run, Matthias.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
She looked at him, trying to keep the barrier in place. “What do you mean?” She knew her voice sounded sharper than she intended and silently swore.
He studied her, shook his head, and stepped out of the doorway, the emotion in his voice breaking her heart. “I love you, Taz. I’ll see you when I get back.” He walked away before she could reply. After she heard the elevator door close behind him, she dropped her head to her desk with an aggravated groan.
“I am such a fucking dumbass!”
* * * *
Rafe was quiet on the ride home. Usually he talked to her, and tonight she couldn’t take her attention from the road to find him. At the house she locked herself in her bedroom and took a shower, going to him in her mind.
“Taz baby, this isn’t good for you. I promised I wouldn’t come between you.”
She put her arms around him. “You’re not.” She kissed him.
In the shower she slowly ran the soap over her body, and Rafael felt her in a way he normally couldn’t. Unable to help himself, he made slow love to her in her mind. Eventually she finished her shower and went to bed where he continued loving her. While she was distracted by their passion, he stepped forward and looked through her eyes into the mirror over the dresser. She was alone on the bed, but his reflection was next to her in the mirror.
She was his cousin’s love, but she had been his wife. And dammit, he loved her. He lost her too soon, even by normal standards. They should have had another twenty or thirty years together, at least. She died so young.
He pushed his guilty conscience aside and spent the night loving her, wishing he could run his hands over her body in real life and not just in her mind. It was still good, like this, but he longed to smell her, bury his face in her still-damp hair, and really taste her.
He didn’t need sleep, but she did. Around midnight he talked her into rolling over and letting him draw her into a peaceful slumber, the first truly good sleep she’d had since he died. She curled around Matthias’ pillow, while in her mind she was cradled in Rafael’s arms.
* * * *
As promised, Matthias returned late three days later. Even though Taz was still awake, she rolled over on her side when she heard his footsteps in the hall, pretended to be asleep when he opened the bedroom door. With closed eyes she opened her mind and tracked his progress—quietly putting his bag in the corner to unpack later, going into the bathroom, and gently closing the door before turning on the light and undressing. Then he turned off the light and came to bed, standing next to it for a moment and looking at her before slowly sliding under the covers.
He didn’t try to touch her. He rolled onto his side, facing away from her on his side of the bed. In five minutes, he was asleep.
She let her tears fall. She didn’t know how to reach out to him, encased by her self-constructed wall. Afraid to hurt him, afraid the secrets she already held would break his heart.
Maybe the kindest thing would be to let him go. The thought of that broke her heart. She loved him. Somehow, she would figure this out. If it was nearly any other problem, she would turn to her dad or Albert, even Tobias, but knew they would immediately tell Matthias if she confided this.
Taz hoped Matthias would wait for her to figure out what to do.
* * * *
Matthias was still asleep the next morning when she awoke at four thirty. She grabbed her workout bag, changed in the downstairs bathroom, and waited until she pulled onto Tarpon Springs Road to turn on the radio, the subwoofer throbbing. Rafael took over for the rest of the drive. She spent over an hour in the gym and was already showered and working by seven thirty when Matthias stopped in her office doorway.
“Good morning.”
She looked up, smiled, and turned back to the file. “Good morning, Matthias.”
He stepped inside and closed the door. She didn’t look up, fighting her nervous agitation. He wanted to talk.
He pulled one of the chairs close to her desk and sat, not saying anything, not probing. After ten minutes, she couldn’t take it anymore.
“What?”
“Are you going to ignore me for the rest of our lives?”
“I have a lot of work to do.”
“Life isn’t just work, Taz. You’re using it as an excuse to avoid me. What did I do to piss you off?”
She closed her eyes. “I’m not mad at you, Matthias.”
“Then why are you ignoring me?”
Because your dead cousin, who I love, is now living inside my skull and I make love to him in my mind. “I’m not ignoring you.”
“You were awake last night when I got home.”
She swallowed. “Then why didn’t you say something?”
“I figured if you wanted to talk to me, or wanted me to talk to you, you would have said something and not lain there pretending to be asleep.”
She looked down again, trying to avoid his eyes.
“Taz, please. Talk to me.”
It took every ounce of will in her body not to give in to his heartbroken voice. “Matthias, I have a lot of work to do. I’m not mad at you. I’m trying to settle into a routine, that’s all. It’s been a rough couple of months, and I’m still trying to come to terms with everything.”
She saw his thoughts. He believed t
his was because of the executions. “I knew I never should have agreed to let you—”
“Matthias! What I do or don’t do as a member of the Tribunal, frankly, doesn’t concern you.”
He studied her, sensing her newfound strength. He nodded. His voice sounded quiet when he spoke. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” He stood and walked to the door.
She felt horrible. God, just rack ’em up, Taz. The big List O’ Guilt gets longer by the minute. “Matthias, I’m—”
He held up his hand, turned. “Anastazia, I love you. I know it’s my fault this all came down on you. Maybe not directly, but if I had been more patient, waited longer to bring you in, maybe things would have been different. Please know that when you’re ready to let me back in, I’m here. I won’t force you. I know you need time and space, and I already told you, I’m willing to give it to you.”
He gently closed the door behind him.
* * * *
Taz always drove Rafe’s Mustang. Her new routine consisted of leaving before Matthias was awake, working out in the gym for an hour, then putting in twelve to fourteen hours in her office. Even on weekends. Then returning home late, frequently after eleven. Sometimes Matthias was home, sometimes he wasn’t. He took several business trips. Tobias, Albert, and her dad left her alone, watching her out of the corner of their eyes when they stumbled across her in passing.
She wasn’t talking to anyone. Even Murry avoided her, and she took care to close her office door when she expected to talk to Rafael, not sure how much the familiar could sense and not wanting him to tip anyone off.
She spent her nights curled in bed, eyes closed, in her mental room with Rafael, her head in his lap. Sometimes talking, sometimes just sitting there, feeling his hand on her shoulder.
Sometimes making love, but only on the nights Matthias wasn’t home.