35
Of course, he didn’t tell me all that that night. That night, we got sidetracked several times by how naked we were, and then the doorbell rang at 3 a.m., and Suzanne, Zee, and Julia were standing on the doorstep, to “see how you are?” and Suzanne took one look at me said, “Oh my God, you inappropriate bitch—you’ve just HAD SEX! With WHAT?” and then John appeared behind me, and Suzanne said, “Ah. With that,” as John bowed to her.
And so I ended up holding my second-ever party, as Zee ordered pizza, and John beamed at me like a lighthouse, as I poured out Suzanne’s “celebratory champagne.”
Soon, the room was a cloud of cigarette smoke, and music, and talk, and at one point, Zee slid a check across the table to me, saying, “Don’t cash it for two months—I’m just doing this to be dramatic, and symbolic—but these are your first earnings from The Branks’ album,” and that paid for John and me to go on holiday; to run away again, but, this time, whilst touching.
And so where he eventually told me why he loved me was in a hotel, perched over a loch, in Scotland; and then an apartment on Cardigan Bay; and then in a B and B in Worcestershire, as the apple blossom frothed down the valley, over a bitter blue-green sea of nettles.
“And you do understand, that this isn’t even the start of it,” he said, warningly, as we sat in bed, looking out of the window. “I’m very much afraid that I have only just begun the entire business of telling you why I love you. I suspect the whole business may take weeks. Months. Years. Very possibly, a lifetime. I don’t wish to demand dominion over your schedule, but I feel I’m onto a very significant story here, and I’d like to go on tour with you, for a while, and report on your phenomena. You are the new craze. You are the storm on Venus that has raged for a million years. You are my safe word. You’re my cool priest. You saturate me in love. You make my heart effloresce.”
“You sound like a demented, screaming, raging teenage girl-fan,” I said, climbing on top of him. “And there is nothing better to be.”
About the Author
Caitlin Moran’s debut book, How to Be a Woman, was an instant New York Times bestseller. Her first novel, How to Build a Girl, received widespread acclaim. She lives in London. You can follow Caitlin on Twitter @caitlinmoran.
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Also by Caitlin Moran
How to Be a Woman
Moranthology
How to Build a Girl
Moranifesto
Copyright
how to be famous. Copyright © 2018 by Casa Bevron, Ltd. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Originally published in Great Britain in 2018 by Ebury Press, an imprint of Ebury Publishing, a Random House Group Company.
first edition
Cover design by Joanne O’Neill
Cover photograph by Matthew Kanbergs
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for.
Digital Edition JULY 2018 ISBN: 978-0-06-243379-4
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-243377-0
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Caitlin Moran, How to Be Famous
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