That was when I began to scream.
*
I had this dream for the first time on the train that took me to Denver, although--fortunately for the people riding in the same car with me--my screams emerged in the real world as a series of guttural grunts deep in my throat. Over the next twenty years I had it perhaps two dozen times. I always awoke with the same panic-stricken thought: Something happened.
At that time, Andy was still alive and well. I began calling him and telling him to get his prostate checked. At first he just laughed at me, then he grew annoyed, pointing out that our father was still as healthy as a horse, and looked good to go for another twenty years or so.
"Maybe," I told him, "but Mom died of cancer, and she died young. So did her mom."
"In case you didn't notice, neither of them had a prostate."
"I don't think that matters to the gods of heredity," I said. "They just send the Big C wherever it's most welcome. For Christ's sake, what's the big deal? It's a finger up your ass, it's over in ten seconds, and as long as you don't feel both of the doctor's hands on your shoulders, you don't even have to worry about your backdoor virginity."
"I'll get it done when I'm fifty," he said. "That's the recommendation, that's what I'm going to do, and that's the end of it. I'm glad you cleaned up your act, Jamie. I'm glad you're holding down what passes for a grownup job in the music business. But none of that gives you the right to oversee my life. God does that for me."
Fifty will be too late, I thought. By the time you're fifty, it will already have taken hold.
Because I loved my brother (even though he had in my humble opinion grown up to become a moderately annoying God-botherer), I made an end run and went to Francine, his wife. To her I could say what I knew Andy would scoff at--I'd had a premonition, and it was a strong one. Please, Francie, please have him get that prostate exam.
He compromised ("Just to shut you both up") by getting a PSA screening shortly after his forty-seventh birthday, grumbling that the damn test was unreliable. Perhaps, but it was hard for even my scripture-quoting, doctorphobic brother to argue with the result: a perfect Bo Derek ten. A trip to a Lewiston urologist followed, then an operation. He was pronounced cancer-free three years later. A year after that--at fifty-one--he suffered a stroke while watering the lawn, and was in the arms of Jesus before the ambulance got him to the hospital. This was in upstate New York, where the funeral was held. There was no memorial service in Harlow. I was glad. I went home all too often in my dreams, which were a long-term result of Jacobs's treatment for drug addiction. Of that I had no doubt.
*
I awoke from this dream again on a bright Monday in June of 2008, and lay in bed for ten minutes, getting myself under control. My breathing eventually slowed, and I got past the idea that if I opened my mouth, nothing would come out except Something happened, over and over again. I reminded myself that I was clean and sober, and that was still the biggest thing in my life, the thing which had changed that life for the better. The dream came less often now, and it had been at least four years since I had awakened to find myself poking at my skin (the last time with a spatula, which had done zero damage). It's no worse than a small surgical scar, I told myself, and usually I could think of it that way. It was only in the immediate aftermath that I felt something lurking behind the dream, something malevolent. And female. I was sure of that, even then.
By the time I was showered and dressed, the dream had receded to a faint mist. Soon it would burn off entirely. I knew this from experience.
I had a second-floor apartment on Boulder Canyon Drive in Nederland. By 2008 I could have afforded a house, but it would have meant a mortgage, and I didn't want that. Being single, the apartment did me fine. The bed was a queen, like the one in Jacobs's boondocker, and there had been no shortage of princesses to share it with me over the years. They were fewer and farther between these days, but that was to be expected, I supposed. I would soon turn fifty-two, the age, give or take a few years, when smooth Lotharios begin their inevitable transformation into shaggy old goats.
Besides, I liked to see my savings account slowly fatten. I wasn't a miser by any means, but money was not an unimportant consideration to me, either. The memory of waking up in the Fairgrounds Inn, sick and broke, had never left me. Nor had the face of the red-haired country girl when she handed back my maxed-out credit card. Try the card again, I'd told her. Honey, she had replied, I look at you and I don't have to.
Yeah, but look at me now, sweetbritches, I thought as I drove my 4Runner west on Caribou Road. I had added forty pounds since the night I met Charles Jacobs in Tulsa, but at six-one, a hundred and ninety looked good on me. Okay, so my belly wasn't quite flat, and my last cholesterol count had been iffy, but back then I'd looked like a Dachau survivor. I wasn't ever going to play Carnegie Hall, or arenas with the E Street Band, but I did still play--plenty--and had work I liked and was good at. If a man or woman wants more, I often told myself, that man or woman is tempting the gods. So don't tempt them, Jamie. And if you should happen to hear Peggy Lee singing that rueful old Leiber and Stoller classic--"Is That All There Is?"--change the station and get some good old stompin music.
*
Four miles along Caribou Road, just as it starts to climb more steeply into the mountains, I turned off at the sign reading WOLFJAW RANCH, 2 MILES. I punched my code into the gate keypad and parked in the gravel lot marked EMPLOYEES AND TALENT. The only time I'd seen that lot full was when Rihanna recorded an EP at Wolfjaw. And that day there were more cars parked on the access road, almost down to the gate. The chick had a serious entourage.
Pagan Starshine (real name: Hillary Katz) would have fed the horses two hours ago, but I went down the double line of stalls anyway, giving them apple slices and pieces of carrots. Most were big and beautiful--I sometimes thought of them as Cadillac limos on four feet. My favorite, however, was more of a beat-up Chevrolet. Bartleby, a dapple gray with no bloodline to speak of, had been at Wolfjaw when I arrived with nothing but a guitar, a duffel bag, and a bad case of nerves, and he hadn't been young then. Most of his teeth had gone the way of the blue suede shoe years ago, but he chewed his apple slice with the few he had left, jaws ruminating lazily from side to side. His mild dark eyes never left my face.
"You good business, Bart," I said, stroking his muzzle. "And I just love good business."
He nodded as if to say he knew it.
Pagan Starshine--Paig, to her friends--was feeding the chickens out of her apron. She couldn't wave, so she gave me a big rusty halloo, followed by the first two lines of "Mashed Potato Time." I joined her on the next two: it's the latest, it's the greatest, etc., etc. Pagan used to sing backup, and when she was in her prime, she sounded like one of the Pointer Sisters. She also smoked like a chimney, and by the age of forty, she sounded more like Joe Cocker at Woodstock.
Studio 1 was closed and dark. I lit it up and checked the bulletin board for that day's sessions. There were four: one at ten, one at two, one at six, and one at nine that would probably go on until past midnight. Studio 2 would be just as stacked. Nederland is a tiny burg nestled up on the Western Slope where the air is rare--less than fifteen hundred full-time residents--but it has a vital musical presence out of all proportion to its size; the bumper stickers reading NEDERLAND! WHERE NASHVILLE GETS HIGH! aren't a total exaggeration. Joe Walsh recorded his first album in Wolfjaw 1, when Hugh Yates's father ran the place, and John Denver recorded his last in Wolfjaw 2. Hugh once played me outtakes of Denver talking to his band about an experimental plane he'd just bought, something called a Long-EZ. Listening to it gave me the creeps.
There were nine downtown bars where you could hear live music any night of the week, and three recording operations besides ours. Wolfjaw Ranch was the biggest and best, though. On the day I stepped timidly into Hugh's office and told him Charles Jacobs had sent me, there were at least two dozen pictures on his walls, including Eddie Van Halen, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Axl Rose (in his pri
me), and U2. Yet the one he was proudest of--and the only one he was in himself--was of the Staple Singers. "Mavis Staples is a goddess," he told me. "The best woman singer in America. No one else even comes close."
I had recorded on my share of cheap singles and bad indie albums during my dues-paying years on the road, but never heard myself on a major label until I filled in at a Neil Diamond session for a rhythm guitarist who had come down with mono. I was terrified that day--sure I would just lean over and puke on my SG--but since then I'd played on lots of sessions, mostly as a fill-in but sometimes by request. The money wasn't great, but it was far from terrible. Weekends I played with the house band at a local bar called Comstock Lode, and had been known to filch gigs on the side in Denver. I also gave music lessons to aspiring high school players at a summer program Hugh inaugurated after his father died. It was called Rock-Atomic.
"I can't do that," I protested to Hugh when he suggested adding this to my duties. "I can't read music!"
"You can't read notes is what you mean," he said. "You can read tablature just fine, and that's all these kids want. Fortunately for us and them, it's all most of them need. You ain't going to find Segovia up here in the hills, my man."
He was right about that, and once my fright wore off, I enjoyed the lessons. They brought back memories of Chrome Roses, for one thing. For another . . . maybe I should be ashamed to say this, but the pleasure I felt working with the Rock-Atomic teenagers was similar to the pleasure I got from feeding Bartleby his morning apple slice and stroking his nose. Those kids just wanted to rock, and most of them discovered they could . . . once they mastered a bar E, that was.
Studio 2 was also dark, but Mookie McDonald had left the soundboard on. I shut everything down and made a note to talk to him about it. He was a good board guy, but forty years of smoking rope had made him forgetful. My Gibson SG was propped up with the rest of the instruments, because later that day I was going to play on a demo with a local rockabilly combo called Gotta Wanna. I sat on a stool and played tennis-racket style for ten minutes or so, stuff like "Hi-Heel Sneakers" and "Got My Mojo Working," just limbering up. I was better now than in my years on the road, much better, but I was still never going to be Clapton.
The phone rang--although in the studios, it didn't actually ring, just lit up blue around the edges. I put my guitar down and answered it. "Studio Two, Curtis Mayfield speaking."
"How's the afterlife, Curtis?" Hugh Yates asked.
"Dark. The good side is that I'm no longer paralyzed."
"Glad to hear it. Come on up here to the big house. I have something you should see."
"Jeez, man, we've got somebody recording a half an hour from now. I think that c&w chick with the long legs."
"Mookie will get her set up."
"No, he won't. He's not here yet. Also, he left the board on in Two. Again."
Hugh sighed. "I'll talk to him. Just come on up."
"Okay, but Hugh? I'll talk to the Mookster. My job, right?"
He laughed. "I sometimes wonder what happened to the wouldn't-say-shit-if-he-had-a-mouthful sad sack I hired," he said. "Come on. This'll blow your mind."
*
The big house was a sprawling ranch with Hugh's vintage Continental parked in the turnaround. The man was a fool for anything that slurped hi-test, and he could afford the indulgence. Although Wolfjaw did only a little better than break-even, there was a lot of elderly Yates family dough in blue chip investments, and Hugh--twice divorced, prenups in both, no children from either--was the last sprig on the Yates family tree. He kept horses, chickens, sheep, and a few pigs, but that was little more than a hobby. The same was true of his cars and collection of big-engine pickup trucks. What he cared about was music, and about that he cared deeply. He claimed to have once been a player himself, although I'd never seen him pick up a horn or a guitar.
"Music matters," he told me once. "Pop fiction goes away, TV shows go away, and I defy you to tell me what you saw at the movies two years ago. But music lasts, even pop music. Especially pop music. Sneer at 'Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head' if you want to, but people will still be listening to that silly piece of shit fifty years from now."
*
It was easy enough to remember the day I met him, because Wolfjaw looked the same, right down to the midnight-blue Connie with the opera windows parked in front. Only I had changed. He met me at the door on that day in the fall of 1992, shook my hand, and showed me into his office. There he plopped into a high-backed chair behind a desk that looked big enough to land a Piper Cub on. I was nervous following him in; when I saw all those famous faces looking down from the walls, what little saliva remaining in my mouth dried up entirely.
He looked me up and down--a visitor wearing a dirty AC/DC tee and even dirtier jeans--and said, "Charlie Jacobs called me. I've owed the Rev a large favor for quite a few years now. It's larger than I could ever repay, but he tells me you square it."
I stood there in front of the desk, tongue-tied. I knew how to audition for a band, but this was something different.
"He said you used to be a doper."
"Yes," I said. No point denying it.
"He said it was Big H."
"Yes."
"But now you're clean?"
"Yes."
I thought he'd ask me for how long, but he didn't. "Sit down, for God's sake. You want a Coke? A beer? Lemonade? Iced tea, maybe?"
I sat, but couldn't seem to relax against the back of my seat. "Iced tea sounds good."
He used the intercom on his desk. "Georgia? Two iced teas, honey." Then, to me: "This is a working ranch, Jamie, but the livestock I care about are the animals who show up with instruments."
I tried a smile, but it made me feel moronic and I gave up on it.
He seemed not to notice. "Rock bands, country bands, solo artists. They're our bread and butter, but we also do commercial jingles for the Denver radio stations and twenty or thirty recorded books each year. Michael Douglas recorded a Faulkner novel at Wolfjaw, and Georgia 'bout peed her pants. He's got that easygoing public persona, but whoo, what a perfectionist in the studio."
I couldn't think of a reply to this, so kept silent and rooted for the iced tea. My mouth was as dry as a desert.
He leaned forward. "Do you know what every working ranch needs more than anything else?"
I shook my head, but before he could elucidate further, a pretty young black woman came in with two tall, ice-choked glasses of iced tea on a silver tray. There was a sprig of mint in each. I squeezed two lemon slices into my tea, but left the sugar bowl alone. During my heroin years I had been a bear for sugar, but since that day with the headphones in the auto body shop, any sweetness seemed cloying to me. I had bought a Hershey bar in the dining car shortly after leaving Tulsa, and found I couldn't eat it. Just smelling it made me feel like gagging.
"Thank you, Georgia," Yates said.
"Very welcome. Don't forget visiting hours. They start at two and Les will be expecting you."
"I'll remember." She went out, closing the door softly behind her, and he turned back to me. "What every working ranch needs is a foreman. The one who takes care of the ranching and farming side here at Wolfjaw is Rupert Hall. He's fine and well, but my music foreman is recuperating in Boulder Community Hospital. Les Calloway. Don't suppose the name means anything to you."
I shook my head.
"What about the Excellent Board Brothers?"
That rang a bell. "Instrumental group, weren't they? Surf sound, kind of like Dick Dale and His Del-Tones?"
"Yeah, that was them. Kind of weird, seeing as how they all hailed from Colorado, which is about as far from both oceans as you can get. Had one top forty hit--'Aloona Ana Kaya.' Which is very bad Hawaiian for 'Let's have sex.'"
"Sure, I remember that." Of course I did; my sister played it about a billion times. "It's the one with the girl laughing all the way through it."
Yates grinned. "That laugh was their ticket to one-hit-wonderdom, and I'm th
e daddy-o who put it on the record. No more than an afterthought, really. This was when my father ran the place. And the girl who's laughing her ass off also works here. Hillary Katz, although these days she calls herself Pagan Starshine. She's sober now, but on that day she was so stoned on nitrous she couldn't stop laughing. I recorded her right there in the booth--she had no idea. It made that record, and they cut her in for seven grand."
I nodded. The annals of rock are full of similar lucky accidents.
"Anyway, the Excellent Board Brothers had one tour, then did the two brokes. You know those?"
I certainly did, and from personal experience. "Went broke and broke up."
"Uh-huh. Les came home and went to work for me. He produces better than he ever played, and he's been my chief ramrod on the music side for going on fifteen years now. When Charlie Jacobs called me, my idea was to make you Les's understudy, thinking you could earn while you learn, play some gigs on the side, all the usual shit. That's still the idea, but your learning curve better be goddam steep, son, because Les had a heart attack last week. He's gonna be okay--so I'm told--but he's got to lose a bunch of weight and take a bunch of pills and he's talking about retiring in a year or so. Which will give me plenty of time to see if you're gonna work out."
I felt something close to panic. "Mr. Yates--"
"Hugh."
"Hugh, I know next to nothing about A&R. The only recording studios I've ever been in are the ones where the group I was playing with paid for time by the hour."
"Mostly with the lead guitarist's doting parents footing the bill," he said. "Or the drummer's wife, waitressing eight hours a day and hustling tips on sore feet."
Yes, that was pretty much how it went. Until wifey wised up, that was, and put him out of doors.
He leaned forward, hands clasped. "You'll either learn or you won't. The Rev says you will. That's good enough for me. Got to be. I owe him. For now, all you have to do is light up the studios, keep track of AH--you know what that is, don't you?"
"Artists' hours."
"Uh-huh, and lock up at night. I've got a guy who can show you the ropes until Les gets back. Mookie McDonald's his name. If you pay as much attention to what Mookie does wrong as to what he does right, you'll learn a lot. Don't let him keep the log, whatever you do. And one more thing. If you smoke some rope, that's your business as long as you show up for work on time and don't start a grassfire. But if I hear you're riding the pink horse again . . ."