Chapter XII
My way lay through the city. I had scarcely entered it when I was seizedwith a general sensation of sickness. Every object grew dim and swambefore my sight. It was with difficulty I prevented myself from sinkingto the bottom of the carriage. I ordered myself to be carried to Mrs.Baynton's, in hope that an interval of repose would invigorate andrefresh me. My distracted thoughts would allow me but little rest.Growing somewhat better in the afternoon, I resumed my journey.
My contemplations were limited to a few objects. I regarded my success,in the purpose which I had in view, as considerably doubtful. Idepended, in some degree, on the suggestions of the moment, and on thematerials which Pleyel himself should furnish me. When I reflected onthe nature of the accusation, I burned with disdain. Would not truth,and the consciousness of innocence, render me triumphant? Should I notcast from me, with irresistible force, such atrocious imputations?
What an entire and mournful change has been effected in a few hours! Thegulf that separates man from insects is not wider than that which seversthe polluted from the chaste among women. Yesterday and to-day I am thesame. There is a degree of depravity to which it is impossible for meto sink; yet, in the apprehension of another, my ancient and intimateassociate, the perpetual witness of my actions, and partaker of mythoughts, I had ceased to be the same. My integrity was tarnishedand withered in his eyes. I was the colleague of a murderer, and theparamour of a thief!
His opinion was not destitute of evidence: yet what proofs couldreasonably avail to establish an opinion like this? If the sentimentscorresponded not with the voice that was heard, the evidence wasdeficient; but this want of correspondence would have been supposed byme if I had been the auditor and Pleyel the criminal. But mimicry mightstill more plausibly have been employed to explain the scene. Alas! itis the fate of Clara Wieland to fall into the hands of a precipitate andinexorable judge.
But what, O man of mischief! is the tendency of thy thoughts? Frustratedin thy first design, thou wilt not forego the immolation of thy victim.To exterminate my reputation was all that remained to thee, and this myguardian has permitted. To dispossess Pleyel of this prejudice may beimpossible; but if that be effected, it cannot be supposed that thywiles are exhausted; thy cunning will discover innumerable avenues tothe accomplishment of thy malignant purpose.
Why should I enter the lists against thee? Would to heaven I coulddisarm thy vengeance by my deprecations! When I think of all theresources with which nature and education have supplied thee; that thyform is a combination of steely fibres and organs of exquisite ductilityand boundless compass, actuated by an intelligence gifted with infiniteendowments, and comprehending all knowledge, I perceive that my doomis fixed. What obstacle will be able to divert thy zeal or repel thyefforts? That being who has hitherto protected me has borne testimony tothe formidableness of thy attempts, since nothing less than supernaturalinterference could check thy career.
Musing on these thoughts, I arrived, towards the close of the day, atPleyel's house. A month before, I had traversed the same path; but howdifferent were my sensations! Now I was seeking the presence of one whoregarded me as the most degenerate of human kind. I was to plead thecause of my innocence, against witnesses the most explicit and unerring,of those which support the fabric of human knowledge. The nearer Iapproached the crisis, the more did my confidence decay. When the chaisestopped at the door, my strength refused to support me, and I threwmyself into the arms of an ancient female domestic. I had not courage toinquire whether her master was at home. I was tormented with fears thatthe projected journey was already undertaken. These fears were removed,by her asking me whether she should call her young master, who had justgone into his own room. I was somewhat revived by this intelligence, andresolved immediately to seek him there.
In my confusion of mind, I neglected to knock at the door, but enteredhis apartment without previous notice. This abruptness was altogetherinvoluntary. Absorbed in reflections of such unspeakable moment, I hadno leisure to heed the niceties of punctilio. I discovered him standingwith his back towards the entrance. A small trunk, with its lid raised,was before him in which it seemed as if he had been busy in packinghis clothes. The moment of my entrance, he was employed in gazing atsomething which he held in his hand.
I imagined that I fully comprehended this scene. The image which he heldbefore him, and by which his attention was so deeply engaged, I doubtednot to be my own. These preparations for his journey, the cause to whichit was to be imputed, the hopelessness of success in the undertaking onwhich I had entered, rushed at once upon my feelings, and dissolved meinto a flood of tears.
Startled by this sound, he dropped the lid of the trunk and turned. Thesolemn sadness that previously overspread his countenance, gavesudden way to an attitude and look of the most vehement astonishment.Perceiving me unable to uphold myself, he stepped towards me withoutspeaking, and supported me by his arm. The kindness of this actioncalled forth a new effusion from my eyes. Weeping was a solace towhich, at that time, I had not grown familiar, and which, therefore,was peculiarly delicious. Indignation was no longer to be read in thefeatures of my friend. They were pregnant with a mixture of wonder andpity. Their expression was easily interpreted. This visit, and thesetears, were tokens of my penitence. The wretch whom he had stigmatizedas incurably and obdurately wicked, now shewed herself susceptible ofremorse, and had come to confess her guilt.
This persuasion had no tendency to comfort me. It only shewed me, withnew evidence, the difficulty of the task which I had assigned myself. Wewere mutually silent. I had less power and less inclination than ever tospeak. I extricated myself from his hold, and threw myself on a sofa.He placed himself by my side, and appeared to wait with impatience andanxiety for some beginning of the conversation. What could I say? If mymind had suggested any thing suitable to the occasion, my utterance wassuffocated by tears.
Frequently he attempted to speak, but seemed deterred by some degree ofuncertainty as to the true nature of the scene. At length, in falteringaccents he spoke:
"My friend! would to heaven I were still permitted to call you by thatname. The image that I once adored existed only in my fancy; but thoughI cannot hope to see it realized, you may not be totally insensible tothe horrors of that gulf into which you are about to plunge. What heartis forever exempt from the goadings of compunction and the influx oflaudable propensities?
"I thought you accomplished and wise beyond the rest of women. Not asentiment you uttered, not a look you assumed, that were not, inmy apprehension, fraught with the sublimities of rectitude and theilluminations of genius. Deceit has some bounds. Your education couldnot be without influence. A vigorous understanding cannot be utterlydevoid of virtue; but you could not counterfeit the powers of inventionand reasoning. I was rash in my invectives. I will not, but with life,relinquish all hopes of you. I will shut out every proof that would tellme that your heart is incurably diseased.
"You come to restore me once more to happiness; to convince me that youhave torn her mask from vice, and feel nothing but abhorrence for thepart you have hitherto acted."
At these words my equanimity forsook me. For a moment I forgot theevidence from which Pleyel's opinions were derived, the benevolence ofhis remonstrances, and the grief which his accents bespoke; I was filledwith indignation and horror at charges so black; I shrunk back anddarted at him a look of disdain and anger. My passion supplied me withwords.
"What detestable infatuation was it that led me hither! Why do Ipatiently endure these horrible insults! My offences exist only inyour own distempered imagination: you are leagued with the traitor whoassailed my life: you have vowed the destruction of my peace and honor.I deserve infamy for listening to calumnies so base!"
These words were heard by Pleyel without visible resentment. Hiscountenance relapsed into its former gloom; but he did not even look atme. The ideas which had given place to my angry emotions returned, andonce more melted me into tears. "O!" I exclaimed, in a voice broken bys
obs, "what a task is mine! Compelled to hearken to charges which I feelto be false, but which I know to be believed by him that utters them;believed too not without evidence, which, though fallacious, is notunplausible.
"I came hither not to confess, but to vindicate. I know the sourceof your opinions. Wieland has informed me on what your suspicions arebuilt. These suspicions are fostered by you as certainties; the tenorof my life, of all my conversations and letters, affords me no security;every sentiment that my tongue and my pen have uttered, bear testimonyto the rectitude of my mind; but this testimony is rejected. I amcondemned as brutally profligate: I am classed with the stupidly andsordidly wicked.
"And where are the proofs that must justify so foul and so improbablean accusation? You have overheard a midnight conference. Voices havesaluted your ear, in which you imagine yourself to have recognizedmine, and that of a detected villain. The sentiments expressed werenot allowed to outweigh the casual or concerted resemblance of voice.Sentiments the reverse of all those whose influence my former life hadattested, denoting a mind polluted by grovelling vices, and enteringinto compact with that of a thief and a murderer. The nature of thesesentiments did not enable you to detect the cheat, did not suggest toyou the possibility that my voice had been counterfeited by another.
"You were precipitate and prone to condemn. Instead of rushing on theimpostors, and comparing the evidence of sight with that of hearing, youstood aloof, or you fled. My innocence would not now have stood inneed of vindication, if this conduct had been pursued. That you did notpursue it, your present thoughts incontestibly prove. Yet this conductmight surely have been expected from Pleyel. That he would not hastilyimpute the blackest of crimes, that he would not couple my name withinfamy, and cover me with ruin for inadequate or slight reasons, mightreasonably have been expected." The sobs which convulsed my bosom wouldnot suffer me to proceed.
Pleyel was for a moment affected. He looked at me with some expressionof doubt; but this quickly gave place to a mournful solemnity. He fixedhis eyes on the floor as in reverie, and spoke:
"Two hours hence I am gone. Shall I carry away with me the sorrow thatis now my guest? or shall that sorrow be accumulated tenfold? What isshe that is now before me? Shall every hour supply me with new proofs ofa wickedness beyond example? Already I deem her the most abandoned anddetestable of human creatures. Her coming and her tears imparted a gleamof hope, but that gleam has vanished."
He now fixed his eyes upon me, and every muscle in his face trembled.His tone was hollow and terrible--"Thou knowest that I was a witness ofyour interview, yet thou comest hither to upbraid me for injustice! Thoucanst look me in the face and say that I am deceived!--An inscrutableprovidence has fashioned thee for some end. Thou wilt live, no doubt, tofulfil the purposes of thy maker, if he repent not of his workmanship,and send not his vengeance to exterminate thee, ere the measure of thydays be full. Surely nothing in the shape of man can vie with thee!
"But I thought I had stifled this fury. I am not constituted thy judge.My office is to pity and amend, and not to punish and revile. I deemedmyself exempt from all tempestuous passions. I had almost persuadedmyself to weep over thy fall; but I am frail as dust, and mutable aswater; I am calm, I am compassionate only in thy absence.--Make thishouse, this room, thy abode as long as thou wilt, but forgive me if Iprefer solitude for the short time during which I shall stay." Sayingthis, he motioned as if to leave the apartment.
The stormy passions of this man affected me by sympathy. I ceased toweep. I was motionless and speechless with agony. I sat with my handsclasped, mutely gazing after him as he withdrew. I desired to detainhim, but was unable to make any effort for that purpose, till he hadpassed out of the room. I then uttered an involuntary and piercingcry--"Pleyel! Art thou gone? Gone forever?"
At this summons he hastily returned. He beheld me wild, pale, gaspingfor breath, and my head already sinking on my bosom. A painful dizzinessseized me, and I fainted away.
When I recovered, I found myself stretched on a bed in the outerapartment, and Pleyel, with two female servants standing beside it. Allthe fury and scorn which the countenance of the former lately expressed,had now disappeared, and was succeeded by the most tender anxiety. Assoon as he perceived that my senses were returned to me, he clasped hishands, and exclaimed, "God be thanked! you are once more alive. I hadalmost despaired of your recovery. I fear I have been precipitate andunjust. My senses must have been the victims of some inexplicable andmomentary phrenzy. Forgive me, I beseech you, forgive my reproaches. Iwould purchase conviction of your purity, at the price of my existencehere and hereafter."
He once more, in a tone of the most fervent tenderness, besought me tobe composed, and then left me to the care of the women.