Chapter XXIII
"My morals will appear to you far from rigid, yet my conduct will fallshort of your suspicions. I am now to confess actions less excusable,and yet surely they will not entitle me to the name of a desperate orsordid criminal.
"Your house was rendered, by your frequent and long absences, easilyaccessible to my curiosity. My meeting with Pleyel was the prelude todirect intercourse with you. I had seen much of the world, but yourcharacter exhibited a specimen of human powers that was wholly new tome. My intercourse with your servant furnished me with curious detailsof your domestic management. I was of a different sex: I was not yourhusband; I was not even your friend; yet my knowledge of you was of thatkind, which conjugal intimacies can give, and, in some respects, moreaccurate. The observation of your domestic was guided by me.
"You will not be surprized that I should sometimes profit by yourabsence, and adventure to examine with my own eyes, the interior of yourchamber. Upright and sincere, you used no watchfulness, and practisedno precautions. I scrutinized every thing, and pried every where. Yourcloset was usually locked, but it was once my fortune to find the key ona bureau. I opened and found new scope for my curiosity in your books.One of these was manuscript, and written in characters which essentiallyagreed with a short-hand system which I had learned from a Jesuitmissionary.
"I cannot justify my conduct, yet my only crime was curiosity. Iperused this volume with eagerness. The intellect which it unveiled, wasbrighter than my limited and feeble organs could bear. I was naturallyinquisitive as to your ideas respecting my deportment, and the mysteriesthat had lately occurred.
"You know what you have written. You know that in this volume the key toyour inmost soul was contained. If I had been a profound and malignantimpostor, what plenteous materials were thus furnished me of stratagemsand plots!
"The coincidence of your dream in the summer-house with my exclamation,was truly wonderful. The voice which warned you to forbear was,doubtless, mine; but mixed by a common process of the fancy, with thetrain of visionary incidents.
"I saw in a stronger light than ever, the dangerousness of thatinstrument which I employed, and renewed my resolutions to abstain fromthe use of it in future; but I was destined perpetually to violate myresolutions. By some perverse fate, I was led into circumstances inwhich the exertion of my powers was the sole or the best means ofescape.
"On that memorable night on which our last interview took place, Icame as usual to Mettingen. I was apprized of your engagement at yourbrother's, from which you did not expect to return till late. Someincident suggested the design of visiting your chamber. Among your bookswhich I had not examined, might be something tending to illustrateyour character, or the history of your family. Some intimation had beendropped by you in discourse, respecting a performance of your father, inwhich some important transaction in his life was recorded.
"I was desirous of seeing this book; and such was my habitual attachmentto mystery, that I preferred the clandestine perusal of it. Suchwere the motives that induced me to make this attempt. Judith haddisappeared, and finding the house unoccupied, I supplied myself with alight, and proceeded to your chamber.
"I found it easy, on experiment, to lock and unlock your closet doorwithout the aid of a key. I shut myself in this recess, and was busilyexploring your shelves, when I heard some one enter the room below. Iwas at a loss who it could be, whether you or your servant. Doubtful,however, as I was, I conceived it prudent to extinguish the light.Scarcely was this done, when some one entered the chamber. The footstepswere easily distinguished to be yours.
"My situation was now full of danger and perplexity. For some time, Icherished the hope that you would leave the room so long as to affordme an opportunity of escaping. As the hours passed, this hope graduallydeserted me. It was plain that you had retired for the night.
"I knew not how soon you might find occasion to enter the closet. I wasalive to all the horrors of detection, and ruminated without ceasing, onthe behaviour which it would be proper, in case of detection, to adopt.I was unable to discover any consistent method of accounting for mybeing thus immured.
"It occurred to me that I might withdraw you from your chamber for a fewminutes, by counterfeiting a voice from without. Some message from yourbrother might be delivered, requiring your presence at his house. I wasdeterred from this scheme by reflecting on the resolution I had formed,and on the possible evils that might result from it. Besides, it wasnot improbable that you would speedily retire to bed, and then, by theexercise of sufficient caution, I might hope to escape unobserved.
"Meanwhile I listened with the deepest anxiety to every motion fromwithout. I discovered nothing which betokened preparation forsleep. Instead of this I heard deep-drawn sighs, and occasionally anhalf-expressed and mournful ejaculation. Hence I inferred that you wereunhappy. The true state of your mind with regard to Pleyel your own penhad disclosed; but I supposed you to be framed of such materials, that,though a momentary sadness might affect you, you were impregnable to anypermanent and heartfelt grief. Inquietude for my own safety was, for amoment, suspended by sympathy with your distress.
"To the former consideration I was quickly recalled by a motion of yourswhich indicated I knew not what. I fostered the persuasion that youwould now retire to bed; but presently you approached the closet, anddetection seemed to be inevitable. You put your hand upon the lock. Ihad formed no plan to extricate myself from the dilemma in which theopening of the door would involve me. I felt an irreconcilable aversionto detection. Thus situated, I involuntarily seized the door with aresolution to resist your efforts to open it.
"Suddenly you receded from the door. This deportment was inexplicable,but the relief it afforded me was quickly gone. You returned, and I oncemore was thrown into perplexity. The expedient that suggested itself wasprecipitate and inartificial. I exerted my organs and called upon you TOHOLD.
"That you should persist in spite of this admonition, was a subject ofastonishment. I again resisted your efforts; for the first expedienthaving failed, I knew not what other to resort to. In this state, howwas my astonishment increased when I heard your exclamations!
"It was now plain that you knew me to be within. Further resistance wasunavailing and useless. The door opened, and I shrunk backward. Seldomhave I felt deeper mortification, and more painful perplexity. I didnot consider that the truth would be less injurious than any lie which Icould hastily frame. Conscious as I was of a certain degree of guilt,I conceived that you would form the most odious suspicions. The truthwould be imperfect, unless I were likewise to explain the mysteriousadmonition which had been given; but that explanation was of too greatmoment, and involved too extensive consequences to make me suddenlyresolve to give it. I was aware that this discovery would associateitself in your mind, with the dialogue formerly heard in this closet.Thence would your suspicions be aggravated, and to escape from thesesuspicions would be impossible. But the mere truth would be sufficientlyopprobrious, and deprive me for ever of your good opinion.
"Thus was I rendered desperate, and my mind rapidly passed to thecontemplation of the use that might be made of previous events. Somegood genius would appear to you to have interposed to save you frominjury intended by me. Why, I said, since I must sink in her opinion,should I not cherish this belief? Why not personate an enemy, andpretend that celestial interference has frustrated my schemes? I mustfly, but let me leave wonder and fear behind me. Elucidation of themystery will always be practicable. I shall do no injury, but merelytalk of evil that was designed, but is now past.
"Thus I extenuated my conduct to myself, but I scarcely expect thatthis will be to you a sufficient explication of the scene that followed.Those habits which I have imbibed, the rooted passion which possesses mefor scattering around me amazement and fear, you enjoy no opportunitiesof knowing. That a man should wantonly impute to himself the mostflagitious designs, will hardly be credited, even though you reflectthat my reputation was already, by my own folly, irretriev
ably ruined;and that it was always in my power to communicate the truth, and rectifythe mistake.
"I left you to ponder on this scene. My mind was full of rapidand incongruous ideas. Compunction, self-upbraiding, hopelesness,satisfaction at the view of those effects likely to flow from my newscheme, misgivings as to the beneficial result of this scheme tookpossession of my mind, and seemed to struggle for the mastery.
"I had gone too far to recede. I had painted myself to you as anassassin and ravisher, withheld from guilt only by a voice from heaven.I had thus reverted into the path of error, and now, having gone thusfar, my progress seemed to be irrevocable. I said to myself, I mustleave these precincts for ever. My acts have blasted my fame in the eyesof the Wielands. For the sake of creating a mysterious dread, I havemade myself a villain. I may complete this mysterious plan by some newimposture, but I cannot aggravate my supposed guilt.
"My resolution was formed, and I was swiftly ruminating on the means forexecuting it, when Pleyel appeared in sight. This incident decided myconduct. It was plain that Pleyel was a devoted lover, but he was, atthe same time, a man of cold resolves and exquisite sagacity. To deceivehim would be the sweetest triumph I had ever enjoyed. The deceptionwould be momentary, but it would likewise be complete. That his delusionwould so soon be rectified, was a recommendation to my scheme, for Iesteemed him too much to desire to entail upon him lasting agonies.
"I had no time to reflect further, for he proceeded, with a quickstep, towards the house. I was hurried onward involuntarily and by amechanical impulse. I followed him as he passed the recess in the bank,and shrowding myself in that spot, I counterfeited sounds which I knewwould arrest his steps.
"He stopped, turned, listened, approached, and overheard a dialoguewhose purpose was to vanquish his belief in a point where his beliefwas most difficult to vanquish. I exerted all my powers to imitate yourvoice, your general sentiments, and your language. Being master,by means of your journal, of your personal history and most secretthoughts, my efforts were the more successful. When I reviewed the tenorof this dialogue, I cannot believe but that Pleyel was deluded. When Ithink of your character, and of the inferences which this dialogue wasintended to suggest, it seems incredible that this delusion should beproduced.
"I spared not myself. I called myself murderer, thief, guilty ofinnumerable perjuries and misdeeds: that you had debased yourself to thelevel of such an one, no evidence, methought, would suffice to convincehim who knew you so thoroughly as Pleyel; and yet the impostureamounted to proof which the most jealous scrutiny would find to beunexceptionable.
"He left his station precipitately and resumed his way to the house. Isaw that the detection of his error would be instantaneous, since, nothaving gone to bed, an immediate interview would take place betweenyou. At first this circumstance was considered with regret; but as timeopened my eyes to the possible consequences of this scene, I regarded itwith pleasure.
"In a short time the infatuation which had led me thus far began tosubside. The remembrance of former reasonings and transactions wasrenewed. How often I had repented this kind of exertion; how many evilswere produced by it which I had not foreseen; what occasions for thebitterest remorse it had administered, now passed through my mind. Theblack catalogue of stratagems was now increased. I had inspired you withthe most vehement terrors: I had filled your mind with faith in shadowsand confidence in dreams: I had depraved the imagination of Pleyel:I had exhibited you to his understanding as devoted to brutalgratifications and consummate in hypocrisy. The evidence whichaccompanied this delusion would be irresistible to one whose passionhad perverted his judgment, whose jealousy with regard to me had alreadybeen excited, and who, therefore, would not fail to overrate the forceof this evidence. What fatal act of despair or of vengeance might notthis error produce?
"With regard to myself, I had acted with a phrenzy that surpassedbelief. I had warred against my peace and my fame: I had banished myselffrom the fellowship of vigorous and pure minds: I was self-expelledfrom a scene which the munificence of nature had adorned with unrivalledbeauties, and from haunts in which all the muses and humanities hadtaken refuge.
"I was thus torn by conflicting fears and tumultuous regrets. The nightpassed away in this state of confusion; and next morning in the gazetteleft at my obscure lodging, I read a description and an offer of rewardfor the apprehension of my person. I was said to have escaped froman Irish prison, in which I was confined as an offender convicted ofenormous and complicated crimes.
"This was the work of an enemy, who, by falsehood and stratagem, hadprocured my condemnation. I was, indeed, a prisoner, but escaped, by theexertion of my powers, the fate to which I was doomed, but which I didnot deserve. I had hoped that the malice of my foe was exhausted; butI now perceived that my precautions had been wise, for that theintervention of an ocean was insufficient for my security.
"Let me not dwell on the sensations which this discovery produced. Ineed not tell by what steps I was induced to seek an interview withyou, for the purpose of disclosing the truth, and repairing, as far aspossible, the effects of my misconduct. It was unavoidable that thisgazette would fall into your hands, and that it would tend to confirmevery erroneous impression.
"Having gained this interview, I purposed to seek some retreat in thewilderness, inaccessible to your inquiry and to the malice of my foe,where I might henceforth employ myself in composing a faithful narrativeof my actions. I designed it as my vindication from the aspersions thathad rested on my character, and as a lesson to mankind on the evils ofcredulity on the one hand, and of imposture on the other.
"I wrote you a billet, which was left at the house of your friend,and which I knew would, by some means, speedily come to your hands. Ientertained a faint hope that my invitation would be complied with. Iknew not what use you would make of the opportunity which this proposalafforded you of procuring the seizure of my person; but this fate I wasdetermined to avoid, and I had no doubt but due circumspection, and theexercise of the faculty which I possessed, would enable me to avoid it.
"I lurked, through the day, in the neighbourhood of Mettingen: Iapproached your habitation at the appointed hour: I entered it insilence, by a trap-door which led into the cellar. This had formerlybeen bolted on the inside, but Judith had, at an early period in ourintercourse, removed this impediment. I ascended to the first floor, butmet with no one, nor any thing that indicated the presence of an humanbeing.
"I crept softly up stairs, and at length perceived your chamber doorto be opened, and a light to be within. It was of moment to discover bywhom this light was accompanied. I was sensible of the inconvenienciesto which my being discovered at your chamber door by any one withinwould subject me; I therefore called out in my own voice, but somodified that it should appear to ascend from the court below, 'Who isin the chamber? Is it Miss Wieland?"
"No answer was returned to this summons. I listened, but no motion couldbe heard. After a pause I repeated my call, but no less ineffectually.
"I now approached nearer the door, and adventured to look in. A lightstood on the table, but nothing human was discernible. I enteredcautiously, but all was solitude and stillness.
"I knew not what to conclude. If the house were inhabited, my call wouldhave been noticed; yet some suspicion insinuated itself that silence wasstudiously kept by persons who intended to surprize me. My approach hadbeen wary, and the silence that ensued my call had likewise preceded it;a circumstance that tended to dissipate my fears.
"At length it occurred to me that Judith might possibly be in her ownroom. I turned my steps thither; but she was not to be found. I passedinto other rooms, and was soon convinced that the house was totallydeserted. I returned to your chamber, agitated by vain surmises andopposite conjectures. The appointed hour had passed, and I dismissed thehope of an interview.
"In this state of things I determined to leave a few lines on yourtoilet, and prosecute my journey to the mountains. Scarcely had I takenthe pen when I laid it aside, uncertain
in what manner to address you.I rose from the table and walked across the floor. A glance thrown uponthe bed acquainted me with a spectacle to which my conceptions of horrorhad not yet reached.
"In the midst of shuddering and trepidation, the signal of your presencein the court below recalled me to myself. The deed was newly done:I only was in the house: what had lately happened justified anysuspicions, however enormous. It was plain that this catastrophe wasunknown to you: I thought upon the wild commotion which the discoverywould awaken in your breast: I found the confusion of my own thoughtsunconquerable, and perceived that the end for which I sought aninterview was not now to be accomplished.
"In this state of things it was likewise expedient to conceal my beingwithin. I put out the light and hurried down stairs. To my unspeakablesurprize, notwithstanding every motive to fear, you lighted a candle andproceeded to your chamber.
"I retired to that room below from which a door leads into the cellar.This door concealed me from your view as you passed. I thought upon thespectacle which was about to present itself. In an exigence soabrupt and so little foreseen, I was again subjected to the empireof mechanical and habitual impulses. I dreaded the effects which thisshocking exhibition, bursting on your unprepared senses, might produce.
"Thus actuated, I stept swiftly to the door, and thrusting my headforward, once more pronounced the mysterious interdiction. At thatmoment, by some untoward fate, your eyes were cast back, and you sawme in the very act of utterance. I fled through the darksome avenue atwhich I entered, covered with the shame of this detection.
"With diligence, stimulated by a thousand ineffable emotions, I pursuedmy intended journey. I have a brother whose farm is situated in thebosom of a fertile desert, near the sources of the Leheigh, and thitherI now repaired."