Chris Crutcher
Deadline
In memory of you, Ted Hipple.
You treated our work with such respect,
and stood like a giant against the censors.
Contents
One
My plan was to focus my senior year on information…
Two
Coach Banks stands near the center of the gym in…
Three
“You’re going through with it,” Marla Dawson says, eyeing the…
Four
“Little Wolf, how are you doing this?” Coach has called…
Five
Just because Coach Banks wants his football team to be…
Six
“That threw me for a loop.”
Seven
“I’ve spent as much time as I’m going to on…
Eight
Fridays aren’t heavy days for jocks at the learning factory.
Nine
Here’s a good reason for parents and teachers and other…
Ten
“You wear that to bed?” Dad asks, nodding at my…
Eleven
“How come you haven’t pushed me to get treatment?”
Twelve
One class we don’t get a break on during football…
Thirteen
Timberline High School, which includes the towns Pierce and Weippe…
Fourteen
On Thanksgiving, Dad and Cody and I sit on the…
Fifteen
In the morning I let myself into the Halls Garage…
Sixteen
THINGS I WANT TO KNOW BEFORE I DIE
Seventeen
When Rudy lets me in after eleven in the evening,…
Eighteen
“Man, why didn’t you tell me what a stupid idea…
Nineteen
Coach was right that it wouldn’t be brilliant to be…
Twenty
I’m walking around school in a daze. Dallas is in…
Twenty-One
On my way to school I stop by the county…
Twenty-Two
At least they know. I’ve said before it’s crazy that…
Twenty-Three
Sweet Hey-Soos, who should I tell? Should I tell one?
Twenty-Four
It’s as if Sooner kicked open the door and is…
Epilogue
“I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do this; that…
About the Author
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
Early August
One
My plan was to focus my senior year on information I could use after graduation when I set out for Planet Earth from the Pluto that is Trout, Idaho, population 943. My SATs said I wasn’t even close to brain-dead and I was set to be accepted at any college I chose, as long as I chose one that would accept me. A lot of guys use their senior year to coast; catch up on partying and reward themselves for making it this far. Not me. This was my year to read everything I could get my hands on, to speak up, push myself and my teachers to get the true hot poop on the World At Large, so I could hit the ground running. How big a pain in the ass do you think that would make me in Mr. Lambeer’s U.S. government/current events class, where Lambeer regularly alters reality with the zeal of an evangelical senator?
I also intended to shock the elite by etching my name atop the winner’s board at the state cross-country meet, then come home to take Dallas Suzuki by surprise. Dallas Suzuki may sound to you like a car dealership in Texas, but for the past three years, she has been the single prey in the crosshairs of my Cupid’s bow, and she doesn’t know it because she is way, way out of my league.
Mr. Ambitious.
Then, about two weeks after my eighteenth birthday, a month and a half before beginning my final year at Trout High, I discovered I’ll be lucky to be there at the finish. A warning like that usually comes from the school office, to be ignored until the third notice, but this was from The Office Above The Office and was to be attended to immediately.
Doc Wagner left a phone message a few days after my routine cross-country physical; he wanted to see me with my parents in his office either ASAP or pronto. There was gravity in his voice, so I decided I’d better scout ahead to see if his message was PG-13 and suited for all, or R-rated and just for me. Turned out to be X.
“Hey, Ben,” he said as he passed me in the waiting room. “Where are your folks?”
“They couldn’t make it.”
“I’d really prefer they were here.”
“My mom’s…well, you know my mom; and Dad’s on the truck.”
“I’m afraid I have to insist,” he said.
“I’ll relay the information. Promise.”
He said it again. “I’m afraid I have to insist.”
“Insist all you want, my good man,” I said back. “I’m eighteen, an adult in the eyes of the election board and the Selective Service and your people, the American Medical Association. I decide who gets the goods on yours truly.” Dr. Wagner has known my family since before I was born and was plenty used to my smart-ass attitude. He’s delivered probably 80 percent of the town’s population my age and under, including my brother, and I’m not even close to his worst work. He also delivered Sooner Cowans.
“I don’t feel right talking about this without your parents, Ben,” he said, walking me toward the examination room. “But I guess you leave me no choice.”
“I leave you exactly that,” I said. “Lay it on me.”
And lay it on me he did, and I am no longer quite so glib.
He sat on the stainless-steel swivel stool, a hand on my knee, staring sadly.
I said, “You’re sure about this, right? There’s no doubt?”
“There’s no doubt. I sent your tests to Boise and they sent them to the most reputable clinic in the country. We can run them again, but unless your blood was mixed with somebody else’s—and yours is the only blood I took that day—it’s pretty much a lock. We have to get right on it. Otherwise you’ll be lucky to have a year.”
Doc took another blood sample, to be sure. I watched him mark it, but I knew the original tests were mine.
“Okay,” I said, rolling down my sleeve. “Lemme sit with this a minute, all right?”
He hesitated.
“You got no sharp instruments in here, Doc, and nothing to make a noose. Go,” I said, fighting the urge to let him stay. That’s my curse: give me the bad news and I’ll take care of you. I thank my mother for that.
Doc rose, and he looked old. He stood at the door, watching me over the top of his glasses, the cliché of a small-town doctor. The door closed behind him and I stared out the window, letting his words settle into my chest. Otherwise you’ll be lucky to have a year.
The leaves of an ancient cottonwood outside the window danced in the bright sunlight, and I was breathless. I sat, digesting the indigestible, adrenaline shooting to my extremities as if I were strapped to an out-of-control whirling dervish. I was thinking of my mom. How in the world do I tell her this?
All my mother ever wanted was to be a good mother and a good wife, but that’s not as easy as it sounds—for her at least—because she’s crazy. She’s either moving at warp speed or crashed in her room with the shades pulled. No gears in between. She calls herself a stay-at-home mom, but when she does stay at home, it’s all you can do to get her out of her locked bedroom, and when she’s not at home, she could be at the Chamber of Commerce or the Civic Club or any of a number of bridge or book clubs.
When Cody and Dad come home to a dark house, Mom’s door closed tight like that of a dungeon, they pretend she’s on vacation. I’m the one who tries to get in and make her feel better. File that under Don Quixote
. Dad has his own bedroom because he’s not willing to sleep on the couch during those long stretches of nights when her bedroom door is locked. He runs his mail and freight business like a fine Swiss clock, reads voraciously, and helps Cody and me problem solve, by request only. His demeanor doesn’t change whether Mom is on fire or doused. His keel is as even as hers is tilted; it’s kind of like living with roommates who are foreign exchange students from opposite points on the globe. I speak both their languages, while Cody speaks neither, and I spend way more time than I should translating. I knew even before I thought it all out that bringing them Doc’s news would break the fragile symmetry of our lives. And, Oh God, what about my brother?
But I have to say, and this will sound strange, the minute Doc said it, I felt a congruence. I’ve never pictured myself over twenty; never really thought I would be. I’ve had this dream since grade school. This kid is in a hospital bed surrounded by doctors, nurses, and parents. Tubes protrude from his nose and he is seriously puny, and the only dialogue is, “It isn’t working. It isn’t working.” I can’t see that the kid’s face is mine, but one of the people standing around the bed is my brother, Cody, and tears stream down his face. It’s as if the universe slipped a long time ago and revealed to me my destiny.
So Doc left me to sit there and I betrayed him, but only a little bit. I left a note saying, “I’ll be back. Don’t worry. Won’t do anything stupid.” Then I drove home, put on my running gear, and headed out. I snagged my iPod because I had challenged myself to run through more than thirty-five hundred songs before the summer was out, so I could show up for cross-country in primo condition, and I didn’t want to get caught running without polishing off some tunes.
I was five miles into it, standing on a high bluff in the shimmering heat, when I heard in my phones:
If life is like a candle bright
Then death must be the wind.
You can close your window tight
And it still comes blowing in
So I will climb the highest hill
And I’ll watch the rising sun
And pray that I won’t feel the chill
’Til I’m too old to die young.
I didn’t remember downloading it, and didn’t know who was singing, and technically it wasn’t a perfect fit. But that old dream and this song merged to tell me the breeze whispering against my soft cotton shirt was death.
I walked back through the entrance to the county hospital dripping in sweat and asked Myrna Whitney at the reception desk for Doc.
“Doc’s been looking all over for you, Ben. Where in the world did you go? And look at you.” She crinkled her nose.
Back in the examination room, Doc unloaded when I told him we weren’t going to do anything about this. “That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard! What in hell is wrong with you, Ben Wolf? You don’t hear information like this and just give up! Now get on your phone and call your dad. I know this might be too much for your mother, but your dad is the most levelheaded man I know.”
“And I want to keep him that way, Doc. Look. I know this doesn’t make sense, but—”
“‘Doesn’t make sense’ isn’t the expression for it. It’s stupid. And it’s dangerous.”
“But I’ve known this…maybe forever. I was never meant to grow old, Doc. I can’t explain it….”
“Well, when you can, explain it to someone who believes in voodoo. Don’t explain it to me, ’cause I’m not listening. Now get on that phone with your dad.”
“I’m eighteen, Doc. This is my call. I don’t expect you to understand, but you have no choice but to go along. This shit is confidential.”
Doc stormed into the hall, then back into the room before the door could close. “Ben, you might be eighteen, but you’re a boy. If you stick with this ridiculous decision long, it will be too late to change your mind.”
“I don’t think I’m going to change my mind.”
This time he stormed out for good.
Mid-August
“Get in.” Doc opened the door to his twenty-year-old Chevy station wagon in front of my house. He’d called the night before and told me to be ready at five thirty A.M.; didn’t say for what.
“What do I tell my dad?” I’d asked.
“Whatever you want.”
“Where we going?” I asked now.
“Denver.”
“Colorado?”
“Do you know another Denver?”
He was quiet on the drive to the airport, and through check-in and security, but on the plane he said, “Ben, I can’t shoulder this alone. I’ll go along with your decision, even though I wouldn’t think twice about breaking confidentiality. I’m not afraid of the legal team you might throw together.” He rolled his eyes to let me know what a joke that was. “But you know your family situation, I guess, and this is serious stuff.”
I said, “Thanks. Really.”
“Yeah, ‘thanks’,” he said. “But no thanks. I’m taking you to someone who can put this to you in the clearest terms. Like I said, I can’t shoulder this alone.”
The cab ride from the airport to the clinic just outside Denver was a blur, as was most of my time inside. We met with a young Indian doctor—like India-Indian—named Dr. Bachchan. In just a little bit of an accent she laid it out for me. That part was just as much a blur as had been the cab ride. I heard “aggressive,” “resilient” (as applied to the disease, not me), “urgent,” and “we haven’t had much luck so far.”
I walked away understanding I have a rare form of whatever the hell it is and without treatment my chances sucked, but with it they still sucked and somehow I knew my chances aren’t about living, they’re about living well. I wouldn’t recommend this for anyone else, but I’m not going out bald and puking. I don’t have anything to teach anyone about life, and I’m not brave, but I’d rather be a flash than a slowly cooling ember, so I’ll eat healthy food, gobble supplements, sleep good, and take what the universe gives me.
And I’m turning out for football.
Two
Coach Banks stands near the center of the gym in his gold T-shirt (which is really yellow) and purple shorts behind two boxes of new shoulder pads, whistle dangling from his neck on a purple-and-gold lanyard, clipboard in one hand, purple-and-gold Cougar pen in the other, checking off names as each veteran player selects his armor. Todd Langford, the assistant coach, passes out knee and thigh pads and helmets. Freshmen and other first-year players sit in the bleachers, patiently waiting for the gear to be picked over, predicting individual heroics unlikely to be fulfilled. I slip into the bleachers while Cody checks in with Coach. A few vets look at me in surprise and wave, surely wondering why a senior who probably weighs five more pounds than his pads is turning out for football for the first time. Cody points me out to Coach, who removes his purple Cougar baseball cap, peers into the bleachers, shakes his head, and waves. I wave back.
It feels strange to pick up my gear with the frosh, but I’m enough smaller than most of them that we don’t reach for the same set of shoulder pads at the same time. In fact there have been so few guys my size turning out for Cougar football in the past ten years that my ancient pads are barely used. I tuck them and my practice uniform into my gear bag and take a seat beside my brother. The Wolf brothers are both seniors, though I’m eleven and a half months older. Mom and Dad held me back a year, hoping I’d grow enough to look less like a Wizard of Oz extra by the time I started kindergarten, but to no avail, so I’m old for our class and Cody’s young. Except that I’m approximately three quarters his size, we could be twins. Same general body design—plus or minus some muscles—same features, same hair and eyes. When he took over at quarterback in midseason last year and averaged five touchdowns, running or throwing, in the final five games they started calling him Big Wolf. Guess who that made me.
Coach paces in front of the bleachers. “I’ve been giving the same speech more than fifteen years, so you vets feel free to sing along. Rooks best pretend you??
?re hearing the audio version of the Bible for the first time; read by the protagonist.”
A murmur runs through the crowd and Coach says, “I guess that would require a big ‘Yes SIR!’”
In unison we roar, “Yes SIR!”
Coach smiles and takes off the cap again. “Almost makes me wish I’d been in the military,” he says. “That’s the last time I want to hear anyone calling me sir, got that?”
The freshmen and new guys, myself excluded, thanks to Cody, repeat, “Yes SIR!” while the veterans laugh.
“Gentlemen,” he says, “football is a game. Many of the good citizens of Trout will tell you it’s much more than that, but it’s not a microcosm of life; it’s not a religious or patriotic experience. It’s a game. It’s a hell of a good one, though, and if you hang in there you’ll get to play. You’ll ride the bench until I think you can help us, but you won’t get cut, and the more effort you put in and the more carefully you listen—and put into practice what you hear—the better are your chances of extended playing time. Understood?”
There were fewer “Yes SIR!”s this time, more grunts of agreement.
When Sooner Cowans heard “SIR!” he sneered, like he couldn’t believe the dumb shits he was going to be playing with.
“By now you’ve all signed off on the school’s Athletic Code. It demands no drinking, no drugs, and no smoking for all in-season athletes. It also requires that you report those behaviors on other in-season athletes should you gain firsthand knowledge of their participation in them. You’re also aware of our school’s general zero-tolerance policy on drugs, alcohol, and violence.” He scans the bleachers.