Chapter Nine
Morning brought glorious sunshine streaming through my window – Albeit a little too brightly. I had forgotten one important thing: Curtains! I picked up my iPhone and checked the time. Only a quarter of five. I didn’t really want to get up yet, but it was much, much too bright to go back to sleep, so I gave in to my circumstances and pulled myself out of bed.
After I dressed, peed, brushed my teeth and washed my face, I made my way to my little kitchen. The box was still perched on top of the counter by the sink. I dug out my coffeemaker, happy that I had brought along some coffee in a plastic sandwich bag, and two more bags with some coffee creamer and sugar. At least I could have my coffee. I would go to the store after I got my brain revived and in gear and buy whatever groceries I figured I could get by with until I got paid the following Thursday.
I sat down to my tiny kitchen table with the old fashioned, red and white checkered tablecloth, that was furnished with only two chairs, but I didn’t care. Figured I wouldn’t have a lot of company. Don’t know why I thought that. I just did. I suppose I can attribute it to the fact that being raised in such a heavy ‘Christian’ environment; I had had a very sheltered life growing up. Therefore, with the exception of church members, I never really had many friends.
Done with my coffee, I grabbed my phone and made my grocery list. I planned on eating TV dinners, salads and sandwiches mostly, and was happy that the apartment had a small microwave furnished. It was brand new, according to my landlord.
I had one small iron skillet and a medium pan for boiling eggs, water, or whatever else I might need it for. I had a couple of tablespoons, two teaspoons, two butter knives, one steak knife, one paring knife, and two forks. I also had a disposable set of salt and pepper that I had purchased a few months back, thinking we might use them on a picnic. That never happened, but I was grateful for them now. They were unopened and new as the day I bought them.
I would need milk, eggs and butter. Those were first on my list; bread of course, and lunch meat for those sandwiches. Then I jotted down peanut butter at the bottom. Didn’t want to forget that. I love peanut butter. That meant I needed crackers too. Then I thought I might want soup, and toilet paper, and soap. The longer I sat there, the longer my list got. I finally just closed my phone and stuck it in my jeans pocket. I had allowed only so much for groceries and I didn’t want to overspend.
So, with list in hand, I headed for Safeway, but not the one closest to us. I was afraid I might run into Dad or Greg there. There was another one about a mile away. I headed for it instead.
As I meandered around the store – didn’t know where anything was, and I had taken the day off and was in no hurry– the horrors of the evening before kept popping in my head. I got chills just remembering how Dad and Greg had taken me by my wrists and literally dragged me across the yard while all the parishioners gaped in warped interest. It sure as hell seemed warped to me, anyway. I even had bands of bruises around both wrists that were quite noticeable.
How could people who were supposed to be good, upright, caring folk stand by as though they were simply watching an act in the circus and do nothing to help the person being submitted to such humiliation and embarrassment?
No one that fit my definitions of good could.
Just then, I realized that I was staring at a display of scented candles. “Hmmm,” I pondered, suddenly getting an idea that I would have never believed possible – To dedicate my soul to Satan!
“Oh my God!” I said to myself, and suddenly pushed my basket on and around to the next aisle. How could I have possible thought that?
I realized my hands were trembling, and my thoughts returned to the evening before. Then I thought of Paul. He was a Satanist, but he sure seemed like an awfully nice guy from what I knew of him.
I’m not sure how long I stood there, but a young black woman came up behind me and politely asked me if I was okay. Surprised, I looked at her and asked why.
“Because you’ve been standing there just staring at the shelf for a good ten minutes. It was like you were in a trance or something. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
I bobbed my head apologetically. “Sorry. I just moved, and I’m not sure exactly what all I need.” I held up my list. “I’m still not certain I have everything on here.”
“I’ve been there and done that,” she replied. “Frankly, I hate moving.” She smiled broadly then, and I realized she was very pretty with her big brown eyes, black hair cut in a pixyish style, and large hoop earrings. And she had an hourglass figure that many a female would die for. What’s more, the red, short-sleeved top and new jeans she wore fit her perfectly.
“Yes. It is kind of the pits… And thank you for caring enough to see if I was okay.”
“Don’t thank me, sugar. Just doing what anyone should do.” She went to pushing her basket forward. “You have a good day now.”
“You too!” I replied. I felt a little better. I guess my faith in humanity had been restored somewhat. I continued with my shopping.
Once home, I put my groceries away and made myself a glass of instant iced tea. Wasn’t the greatest, but it was hot out and I direly wanted a cold drink that wasn’t soda. For me, when I am really hot and thirsty, tea trumps soda any day of the week. Don’t get me wrong, though, I am a big cola-holic. I did put some tea bags in some boiling water to steep, though, for later.
Again, Satanism popped into my mind. I remembered several Satanic websites that I wanted to look into more. I didn’t have a computer or an iPad, but I had an iPhone. I went online and tried to look the websites up, but it was too tedious to read so much information on the phone. I needed a computer.
I had taken the day off for moving, but there was a whole line of public computers at the library. I finished up my iced tea and headed straight there.
Of course, right away, Mrs. Peters wondered what I was doing there when I had taken the day off to move. I didn’t want to tell her that I was interested in researching Satanism – old habits die hard as well as old fear – so I told her I needed to email a friend. Something I could have done on my phone, but she didn’t know that. The library was pretty busy, but there was one computer available.
I took a seat and brought up the website. Wouldn’t you know? I must have had a die-hard church-goer next to me to the right. The second she noticed the black pages with blood-red texts and the inverted star, she gave me a really wary look, snatched up some papers she’d been taking notes on and left her computer, not even bothering to log off. Of course, I did it for her. The computers were supposed to be cleared once one was through with what they were doing. Then there was a young Hispanic man about my age to my left. He raised an eyebrow and I could almost feel the cold come over him. He didn’t stay at his computer long either. But he did have the decency to log off and clear out.
I sat there for a moment, feeling my cheeks grow warm. This was too uncomfortable. There were far too many people with really narrow-minded and negative attitudes about Satanism. I know. Just a short time ago I had been one of them!
I got off the computer right away. Bid Mrs. Peters goodbye and left. Now I was upset. I wanted – needed – to know more.
What was I to do?
Then it hit me. I slapped myself up beside my head. Paul! That was it. He said he worked from home. And he was just a few doors down from me. Soon as I reached my apartment, I put my purse away, and then walked on down to his and Nancy’s apartment.
He answered the door immediately. His normally neat hair was in disarray, and he looked tired, but he welcomed me inside with a big smile and offered me a cold Coke, which I graciously accepted.
Nancy was at work and would be for several more hours. He seemed glad for company, said he was tired of sitting at the computer and had been considering taking a walk in the park anyway, until I knocked.
“So … What’s up, girl? I’m getting some anxious vibes from you. Did you get moved in?”
“Well, not everythin
g is put away, but I have everything inside.”
“That’s the main thing.”
“I’ll get to the point. You told me you’re a Satanist.”
He had been leaning forward, elbows on his knees, but he suddenly sat up straight and laid an arm on the back of the sofa.
I sat opposite him on a recliner that had seen better days, but he had confessed it was far too comfortable to get rid of. And he was right.
“Yes! I am.” He eyed me curiously, introspectively. “Why?”
“I… I’m considering dedicating to Satan.”
“Wow! That one I didn’t expect coming. Not from you.”
Confused, I asked, “What do you mean?”
“I know you’ve had some really hard times with your Dad and hubby and all that, but you’ve been a Christian all your life.” He held up an outward Palm. “Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s awesome, if that is what you really want. I am sure Father Satan… Enki … will welcome you into the family with open arms. But…and that is a big but … you need to be one-hundred percent sure that this is what you want.”
“I think it is.”
He shook his head slightly. “Not think, Brenda. You have to know! Once you dedicate to Father Satan it is permanent. No wishy-washy changing your mind. It is forever! Not just this lifetime, but any lifetimes you have to come!”
“Huh?” This I had not expected. “You mean like in reincarnation?”
“Exactly!”
“Oh! I hadn’t thought about that, I guess.”
“I’m pretty sure you don’t believe in reincarnation, having been brought up in the church. Am I right?”
“I’ve always wondered about it. I know that there are other religions that do. I just didn’t realize that Satanists did.”
“Not all Satanists, Brenda. Just spiritual Satanists. There are some who call themselves Satanists … like the LeVayans. But they don’t even really believe that Father Satan is a real being.”
“Oh? Seems like I heard that before.”
“Maybe Nancy ran it by you?”
“Maybe. Or I read it on the internet.” What he was saying was pretty heavy. Once a Satanist, it wasn’t only for this lifetime but forever! “Wow!” I shrugged my shoulders. “But you believe Satan is real?”
“I don’t believe it – I know it! He has spoken to me more than once. He is a real being. And he truly loves His children. What’s more, He actually answers us when we need him. He’s not like the other one – the one you’ve followed all your life – the one that lets you beg and pray and cry and carry on and maybe, just maybe, you will get an answer, but most often you won’t. And even if you do, it might be twenty years later. No! Father Satan has our backs. He is with us one hundred percent.”
“Again – wow! Doesn’t sound anything like what I have been raised to believe.”
“Unfortunately, that is the big lie to the world. Satan means adversary. But he’s not our adversary. He is the other one’s enemy. The whole thing got turned around backwards a long time ago. In the Garden of Eden, Father wanted to help us… Wanted to teach us… Wanted mankind to grow and become great. The other one wanted to keep us ignorant slaves.”
“Yes. I believe Nancy said something like that.”
“To break it down in a few words – The Christians teach that Satan is the father of lies.”
“Yes! That’s what I’ve always been told.”
“Get this, Brenda. Swallow it good – the God you’ve been taught to worship is the true adversary, the liar. And my God is of the truth. Hence: God is Satan and Satan is God!”
I think my mouth dropped about a mile. It felt like it anyway. “Oh shit!” Nothing ever hit me so profoundly. I was suddenly sick and had to throw up.
Paul understood perfectly and ran ahead of me to open the bathroom door for me. I threw up my iced tea, Coke, what little else I had had that day. Afterwards, I just sat there in the floor.
Paul was kind enough to rinse out a washcloth, wring it out and place it on the back of my neck. He sat there with me in the bathroom floor while I shook like a leaf.
I’m not sure how long I sat there, but I finally managed to get a grip on myself. I turned my face towards his. “I think I’m okay now.”
“You’re sure?”
I bobbed my head yes.
“Okay. Tell you what. You go ahead in the living room and sit down. Put your feet up on the coffee table. Better yet, take the chair and lean it back. It has a rest for your feet. I’ll clean up the mess here.”
“Oh! I should clean it. Gee!”
“Not a problem. I used to take care of my little brother and sister when Mom worked nights. Seems like they were always getting sick. Dad left us when I was ten. Sam and Taylor were two and three. My brother and sister.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Of course you didn’t. Now go ahead. I’ll be out in a minute. And don’t feel badly. It’s okay. It really is.”
“You’re the greatest! But I’m so embarrassed. No wonder Nancy is with you.”
“Oh! I have my faults. But she loves me.”
“I know she does.” I turned and went on to the living room then and did as he said.
A few minutes later Paul returned. I did notice that he had stopped long enough to comb his hair. He leaned against the back of the sofa. “So, if you think you want to dedicate to Father Satan, I think that is great. More than great. Awesome! But it is a very serious undertaking.”
“I realize that. And why do you refer to him as Father Satan part of the time and Father Enki part of the time?”
“Ummm… First, to answer your question: Satan is really more of a title, adversary, as we’ve mentioned before. His name is Ea. Enki means Lord of the Earth. However, Enki has kind of become a name for Him over time.”
“Oh?’
“As far as you understanding or realizing what this is all about, I’m sure you do to an extent, but only to an extent. There are things that are going to happen that I am sure you are not prepared for.”
“Like what?”
He kind of laughed and then apologized. “Not laughing at you or your question. It’s just that no one is ever really prepared. Because there is no way one can prepare you.”
“I don’t follow.”
“I don’t expect you to. All I can say is… if you do go through with it, expect the unexpected.”
“Okay,” I replied, vaguely nodding.
“It is never the same with two people. Each one goes through it a little differently. Primarily, because everyone is unique in his or her own way. Therefore we experience things in a truly personal way that is all ours.”
I still wasn’t totally getting what he was trying to convey, but I kind of got the drift. At least, I thought I did. “Then what should I do? Any suggestions?”
“Ever meditate?”
“Tried a time or two, but I didn’t seem to get anywhere with it.”
“It takes time. Relaxation is the key.” He stood and asked me to wait a minute. He ran over to his desk and took some papers out of a drawer and brought them back to me. “Here. I printed these up for Nancy when she first turned. She has it down pat now, so I am sure she is okay with you using them.”
“What are they? Instructions?”
“Yes. Basic meditations: How to build your aura, your energy… things like that. You try meditating for a few days and study the website thoroughly, and then think over all that I said, and then if you still want to dedicate to Father Satan, I will be happy to lone you what you need.”
“What’s that?”
“Candles, incense, oils, silver bowl, chalice. And you can get those things on your own, if you want? You can order your supplies online. I normally don’t lone them out, but you are a friend of Nancy’s and one of mine now. So, if you decide to go ahead and dedicate, I don’t want you to have to wait for them to come in the snail-mail.”
“That’s really kind of you.”
He raised his
hand slightly in gesture. “Hey! I’ll be tickled to the bone if you do decide to dedicate. I know Father Satan will be overjoyed to have a new member to his family.”
I pushed the seat forward and set my feet on the floor. “I feel a lot better already. I know you have work to do, and I’ve taken up enough of your time. And,” I rolled my eyes, “I still have more than a few things to unpack and put away.”
“Yeah. I hate moving.”
“Doesn’t everyone?” I smiled. “Thank you so much, Paul.”
“You’re sure you’re okay now?” he asked, now standing too and shadowing me to the door.
“Again, I am so sorry about the tossing my cookies thing.”
“Not a problem.” He laid a gentle hand on my shoulder.
I opened the door. “Thanks again!”
“Honestly, I was glad for the break. And don’t hesitate to come around…whether it is to visit or if you need something.”
“And same to you and Nancy,” I replied. I left then, feeling a little confused, still, but a whole lot better about things.
Once home, I looked over the papers he gave me and set them aside. I would study them later. I was antsy and not sure what I wanted to do at that exact moment. There were more websites on Satanism, but, from what I could tell, Joy of Satan was the most comprehensive.
I needed time to think. Still, some things I believe are concrete. For instance, Enki being the true Father of mankind: That, after much speculation, I truly came to realize and believe.
It was like a breath of fresh air to my spirit!
It took me a couple of days, for I wanted to be certain beyond all doubt, but I finally made my decision. I was going to dedicate to Ea-Enki aka Satan.