Chapter Fifteen
With the exception of church nights, Mom and I still had dinner together almost nightly. The both of us went out of our way not to bring up our last argument.
I couldn’t help but notice that she didn’t mention Dad anymore either. In fact, she rarely said anything about church, but I knew she was going. She had a habit of sticking the church pamphlets and fliers in the open side-pocket of her purse, especially on Sundays. And when I had Sunday’s off, she always came by around one, and was always dressed nice.
It was a little after one when Mom rang my doorbell. I had been expecting her, even though she hadn’t called. It was pretty much an accepted thing anymore. I always gave her my schedule ahead of time, so she knew what Sundays I was home.
She stepped inside wearing a red pants suit that suited her honey blonde hair and green eyes.
“You look really nice,” I commented. And she did, even nicer than usual.
“Why thank you, hon.” She sniffed her nose. “Pot roast?”
“Yes. Was hungry for a good roast, mashed potatoes, carrots, the whole nine yards. I figure that even if you didn’t show up, I could eat on it all week. Sandwiches, stew, what have you.”
“I will be glad to help you. I love roast beef sandwiches.”
“I know, Mom.” I pulled out a chair for her at my little table. “Take a seat.”
“Don’t you want me to help you with anything?”
“I’ve got it covered. All done except for pouring our iced tea. Besides, isn’t that a new pantsuit you’re wearing?”
“Yes it is.” Her eyes lit up. “Glad you noticed.”
“It is red, Mom.”
She grinned. “That it is. And I can get the tea.”
“All right then. If you insist?”
“I do,” she replied and got out glasses and filled them with ice for us and sat them on the table. Then she went to the refrigerator and took out the jug of tea and poured it.
Dinner ready, I loaded the roast and trimmings on a platter and placed it in the center of the table. Mom grabbed our plates and silverware.
We sat down and Mom bowed her head. She asked me if I wanted to say the blessings. I declined and said that she could. But I quietly thanked Father Satan for my dinner while she gave her thanks in her own way. What she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her.
About midway through our meal, Mom laid her hands in her lap and looked at me as though there was something she wanted to say.
“Out with it, Mom,” I said and dabbed my mouth with a napkin. “Whatever it is that’s on your mind, just say it.”
“Ah… I’m not sure how to put it without looking completely like a fool to you.”
I knew. She didn’t have to say it. I had seen it coming. “You’re going back to Dad.”
Surprised, she faltered briefly. “…Yes. How did you know?”
“I could see the signs. Doesn’t take a genius to figure out how lonely you are. And the fact that you said you understood his side in our last little disagreement told me plenty.”
“I have set him straight, Brenda. I want you to know that.”
My first thought was a flippant response, but I stifled the urge. I wanted to say, “Sure you did.” But I didn’t. “Okay,” was what I really said. My face must have given me away though.
“You don’t believe me, do you?”
“Honestly… I believe that you believe you’ve set him straight. But I don’t believe for one nanosecond that you have.”
Hurt, she glanced off and got very quiet.
“I am not trying to hurt you, Mom. Nor am I trying to be glib: I know you know Dad… So just tell me exactly what rules or whatever you did lay down to him?”
“That I wasn’t going to be his slave, for one.”
“Go on,” I said, thinking that that would be interesting to see.
“I let him know I would be there for him and the church. However, he has to spend some quality time with me every week. He has to take me to dinner or a movie, or just spend an evening with me at least once a week, at home or otherwise, that we need to have our time together as man and wife and not just for sex.”
“Sounds reasonable.” I did hope for her sake that he would. “And he agreed?”
“Yes! He did. He said he’d had plenty of time to think about our marriage while I was gone. He said he realized that he had neglected me something awful.” She broke into a smile then.
“And you believe he meant it?”
She eyed me strangely, but replied, “Yes! I do believe him.”
“Good. I really do hope he doesn’t disappoint you, Mom. I really do!”
“I don’t think he will,” she said with conviction. “In spite of everything… in spite of his often blind absorption in the church, I do believe he loves me. In fact,” she said with her smile turning into a big grin, “he wants us to renew our wedding vows in front of the whole congregation. Brenda, he wants us to get married all over again!” Her eyes danced then with little lights. It kind of tugged at my heart. This meant a lot to her.
I swallowed the urge to dispute her, afraid that my mother was being delusional about what was the true picture here, but I did not want to fight with her anymore. She was determined. I knew by now that people have to follow their own paths, whether they are right or wrong. “If that’s what you really want, Mom? Then I will try to be happy for you.”
“Oh, Brenda!” She stood and came over to me, throwing her arms around me, hugging me from behind. “Thank you!”
“For what?”
“For trying to understand. I know you don’t fully believe it, but thank you anyway.”
“I do believe I understand, Mom. You have to do what you feel you have to do.”
She kissed my cheek and went back to her seat. I could see she was really pleased with my acceptance of her renewal of her marriage to Dad. I really had deep forebodings about it, but I knew she had to do what she felt she had to do. She had been there and done that, and if she hadn’t learned her lesson yet, there was nothing I could do.
We finished off our supper and cleared off the table, and then she helped me load the dishwasher and put everything away. We went to the living room then to sit and talk.
She spoke first as she sat down. “Tell me, Brenda… Do you think that you might ever want to go back to Greg?”
I also had kind of foreseen this coming too. “No, Mom.”
“But he loves you so much?”
I let out a disgruntled sigh and said, “I am happy for you. At least, I am happy that you are doing what you feel you want to do. However, even though I believe that in many ways Greg is a more pleasant individual than Dad, when it comes to getting along with him, I do not love him the way I used to. And way too many things have changed for me since I left him.” Of course, I had Paleo in the back of my mind. I truly loved him and knew I would never be complete with anyone else now.
Mom leaned back and studied me for a bit. She finally spoke again, “Want to expound on some of those things?”
“You already know that I no longer believe the way you, Dad, and Greg do.”
“But you do believe in God?”
Why did I bring that up? “We had an argument the last time we broached this subject, Mom. I shouldn’t have said anything. Please, I don’t want to fight with you again.”
“Just tell me you believe in something. Please!”
I shook my head vigorously. “Yes! I do! I am very spiritual, Mom. You have no idea.”
“Then explain some of it. Can you do that?”
“I think I mentioned it before. I lean towards Hinduism.” It was the closest thing I could think of. After all, Satanism is Hinduism in its truest, original form.
She rubbed her neck with her hand and dropped her hand down. “Okay… Not what I would prefer to hear, but at least you have faith of some kind. You’re not telling me you’re an atheist.”
“And I’m not! I love my God more than you will ever know!?
??
“Want to tell me what you call this God?”
“Mom!”
“If you are as spiritual as you say you are, can’t you at least tell me his name? Or is it her?”
“He, Mom. My God is a he.”
She wasn’t going to back down. “Give me a name, please?”
She wasn’t going to give up. “Okay… His true name is Ea. However, he later became known as Enki… And Ea is pronounced Arya, by the way.” There was no way I was going to tell her that he was now known by the name of Satan.
She nodded as though considering my words. “Okay.”
I could see the wheels turning in her head. “You asked and I told you. Please don’t go running to Dad and telling him. Please!”
After several moments of musing, she said, “Okay. I know he would have a hissy fit for you believing in anything other than the way you have been raised. I know he’s never completely gotten over the Wicca thing.”
“Actually, neither have I,” I mumbled under my breath, and then replied, “but thank you, Mom.”
“Arya,” she mused. “Is that where the word Aryan comes from? Like the Aryan race?”
“Yes. He is blond with blue eyes.”
“Oh?” Her expression was dubious to say the least. “You actually know what he looks like?”
“I haven’t seen him exactly… But this is what I have learned about him.” I came very close to saying He is the father of mankind, but I knew that would stir her up, and I wasn’t in the mood to deal with it. Right at that moment, though I had no doubts whatsoever that Mom loved me, I considered her possibly dangerous if she were to tell Dad. I had probably already said way too much. Even with good intentions, she was known not to think things through before acting on them.
“You wanted to know. I told you.”
“Yes you did. And I appreciate it.” She offered me a warm smile, but I seriously questioned the validity of it, and as to whether I could really trust her with my revelations. I hoped that I could.
“Surely there is some literature I can read up on this – Arya?”
“Sumerian, Mom.”
“Oh?”
I quickly changed the subject and asked her about her job. Did she still like it? I let out a sigh of relief. She took the bait. Or maybe she didn’t really want to fight either. I was glad it worked.
Though tired when she got off of an evening, she liked the doctors and other staff members. I was just happy to get her focusing on something else. I had the feeling that it wasn’t going to end here, though. I love my mother, but she doesn’t always use her head. And I had taken a real chance on telling her as much as I had.