“Hell, yes. Let’s get it on!” He laughed and asked for a shot.
We joked and talked as he attempted to calm me down. He felt certain this would totally blow over.
“So, where’s that hottie friend of yours—Holly?” he asked.
Again with the freaking radar, Holly instantly appeared at my side, taking notice of my third cocktail. What she didn’t know was it was my third just since getting here.
“Breaking the two-drink rule tonight, are we?” she asked, then ordered for one herself.
“Holly, how are you?” Lane asked.
Holly’s eyes went wide as she noticed my drinking buddy. “Lane. Nice to see you again. I’m well, thank you. And you?” Her voice seemed a little quivery.
What the hell?
“I’m great. Nice shoes,” he murmured, looking down at her red heels. She blushed all the way to the roots of her hair, then turned back to me.
“Listen, Jack saved seats for you and Nick right behind him and his dad. You should go in before they do, though, so you aren’t walking in together. We’ll continue to deny this as long as we can, although you giving your name to the paparazzi was not too smart,” she admonished.
“I didn’t mean—” I started, but she shushed me.
“Let’s not talk about it tonight. We’ll play this off. I just need to think about how,” she said.
“Where are you sitting, Holly?” Lane asked.
“I’m sitting with my client,” she said and turned back to me. “Scoot. Nick’s waiting for you.” She gave me a little push.
I drained the rest from my glass and set it on the bar. I was starting to feel a little unsteady on my feet, but I kept it together—in exactly the way someone who’s been drinking thinks they’re fooling everyone. I heard Lane say something to Holly in a low voice, then Holly shot back, “Later!” But I couldn’t miss the excited flush to her skin when she said it.
This was a weird night.
I circled the room looking for Nick and found myself semi-hidden behind a potted palm. I noticed a well-dressed older man talking with Marcia, and as I heard his accent I realized he was likely Jack’s father. He was tall and very distinguished, and I caught a glimpse of Jack in thirty years or so. Classy. And here I was hiding behind a potted palm—again.
Jesus, could I get any more After School Special?
Nope.
He definitely knew Marcia, though. They were having quite a chat.
I totally listened. Their talk wasn’t so small.
“I like her. I think she’s good for him,” Marcia said. My chest burned.
“She is lovely, but I do wish he’d mentioned how much older she was.”
“Well, Jack’s kind of an old soul, and she seems to have a positive effect on him. I haven’t seen him this happy in a while,” Marcia said, suddenly my biggest fan.
I was an asshole…
“You haven’t met her yet?” Marcia continued, leaning in.
“No, not yet. I thought Jack might introduce her last night, but at the last minute he canceled our dinner and decided to eat with her instead. I suppose I’ll meet her later. I wonder if Jack will make it through the film, though. You know how he feels about watching himself onscreen.”
They both laughed.
I headed for the theater before I could hear anything else about me being an old bag, and I finally spied Nick by the door.
“Where the hell have you been? Holly’s ready to have a cow,” he said, hands on hips.
“Oh, would you settle down, please?” I said, listing slightly.
“Grace, you’re drunk,” he said, sniffing me.
Very nearly.
“No, no. But I am pleasantly lit, so back the fuck up, pretty boy,” I said, loudly enough to attract the attention of a few people walking in to take their seats.
“Oookay, let’s get you inside,” he said and took my arm.
We went down almost to the front, then slipped into the second row. I saw Rebecca talking to the director and waved exuberantly. She smiled and waved back, then whispered to him. I could tell she said the word “girlfriend,” and they turned to look at me.
Ah, well.
I saw Jack enter the theater with his father and Holly, and they all walked down to the front row. He winked at me as he passed and gestured me over. Nick helped me out of my chair, and I leaned across the back of the front row.
Jack stopped in front of me and went through the introductions with his father. This was now officially the most fucked-up night of my life. I was meeting my twenty-four-year-old boyfriend’s father at the Hollywood premiere of a movie in which he had the starring role. And I was also well on my way to public intoxication.
“So, I finally get to meet the mysterious Grace who has my son so thoroughly charmed,” Jack’s father said as he reached for my hand, which he quickly brought to his lips.
I was the one thoroughly charmed. “And I get to meet the man from whom Jack obviously got his good looks. I can’t tell you how pleased I am to meet you, Mr. Hamilton.”
“Alex. You must call me Alex. I must be on a first-name basis with any woman who has swept my son off his feet the way you have, yes? Although I dare say that if I’d met you first, my son would have had a little competition.” He chuckled, and Jack rolled his eyes.
“Well, Alex, I dare say that I’ve always had a thing for older men, especially those from across the pond,” I bantered back. Jack’s father was still holding my hand.
“Well, there’s something to be said for those of us who have a little more life experience, isn’t there? Something Jack will no doubt learn as he gets a little older as well.” He smiled again and released my hand to slap Jack on the back.
I might be more than a little tipsy, but I could still small talk with the best of them. At least, as far as I knew. According to my internal drunk-o-meter, I was cool as a cucumber and not at all showing the effects of my numerous cocktails. No effects at all…
The three of us chatted warmly for a few more minutes until the director headed up to the stage to make a little speech before the movie began. I accepted a kiss on the cheek from Alex before returning to my seat in the second row, behind Jack. He turned and leaned in just as I was about to sit down.
“I got this for you. I know you like a little snack while you watch a movie.” He smiled and handed me a box of Milk Duds.
“Candy!” I exclaimed, ripping the box out of his hands with a little too much enthusiasm. I heard Nick sigh next to me as I tried to open the box. Then Jack offered to help me.
“I got it, I got it!” I insisted. I finally wrenched the top off and spilled Milk Duds all over the place. I smiled to everyone sitting around us. “Sorry, I just thought you might all like some candy,” I joked, finding myself hilarious.
“Funny, I thought Grace never shared candy,” Jack said, looking at me more carefully.
“Nope, I just don’t share candy with you.” I laughed back loudly, and Holly turned from talking to Jack’s father.
“What the fuck?” she mouthed at me, and I dropped into my chair.
I saw her and Nick exchange glances, and that pissed me off. I wasn’t going to be handled. I started to stand up and say something to Holly to that very effect when the lights dimmed. The film was about to start.
“Are you okay?” Jack asked.
“Fine, love. I’m fine,” I said, shoving a Milk Dud in my mouth.
He glanced at Nick as well, and now I was really starting to get pissed. He sat down, directly in front of me.
I was sitting behind my boyfriend on the biggest night of his life. I couldn’t even hold his hand, whisper to him, or give him a congratulatory kiss—although apparently the entire entertainment news community now knew Jack Hamilton had a granny fetish.
I sighed loudly and slipped my shoes off.
Nick leaned over and whispered, “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“The next person who asks me that will get their balls handed to them. I’m
not kidding,” I whispered back through clenched, caramel-coated teeth.
He backed off.
The movie started.
I watched the back of Jack’s head watch his movie.
Ten minutes in, after fussing about in his seat the entire time, he took off. Literally. As soon as Jack saw himself on the screen, he bailed.
I’d tentatively reached out with my fingertip to touch the back of his neck when I saw him begin to fidget. I was not the only one who fidgeted when nervous. Nick had slapped my hand down. He was well versed in Holly’s rules for the night.
For fuck’s sake. I’d had about enough.
When he stood to get up, I almost did too. As it was, I had to force myself to wait five whole minutes before I stole out of the theater. Nick tried to grab my arm to stop me, but I was the one slapping his hand now. I was going to follow my Brit.
I found him by the bar. He was not alone. Marcia had already found him, and they looked to be sharing a cocktail. They were laughing. He looked calmer already. She was calming him. I saw a rogue photographer draw close. I no longer cared.
I turned and walked swiftly toward the ladies room, the sounds of their mixed laughter following me.
The lighting in the bathroom would have worked equally well for interrogation. The bags under my eyes were highlighted nicely, as were my laugh lines, which were suddenly not as funny as they used to be. My faced look haggard, tired, and sad.
So sad.
As I looked in the mirror, I saw a different image than earlier in the evening. My skin that I’d thought looked tanned and glowy now looked streaky and orange. My hair that I’d thought looked curly and wavy now looked frizzy and obnoxious. My eyes were puffy from the cocktails and had begun to resemble the cabbages they’d surely turn into tomorrow. They always did.
My phone beeped. It was a text from Jack.
Gracie
Where are you?
George
I also had a text from earlier. I hadn’t heard it come through.
Grace
The Village Voice is raving about you!
New York misses you.
When are you coming home?
Michael
I smiled. It was the only thing that had made me smile in more than an hour. New York was a world away from where I was tonight. And New York was a world I understood. A world I was kind of rising to the top of, actually. Not this ridiculous charade. I smiled again, in spite of myself, and the door to the ladies room opened. It was Marcia.
“There you are. Jack’s looking for you,” she said, coming to stand next to me at the counter, under the same lighting.
Her skin was perfect. Her hair was perfect. Her face was smooth and unlined. She was a star. My smile faded. I belonged in some kind of dietary fiber commercial.
I turned to her. “Well, I saw him leave, so of course I went to follow him—you know, offer a little comfort to my one and only. But look at that, someone else beat me to the punch. I seemed a little unnecessary.” My voice was cutting and sarcastic.
“Grace, I didn’t follow him out there. I saw him out in the lobby and we just—”
I cut her off. “Enough. I’m too old for this crap. I don’t have the energy. Please tell Jack that I’m not feeling well, and I went home.” I managed to get the words out, the drunk tears starting to build. This was too much. I’d reached my limit. I was out of control, but I was suddenly wise enough to remove myself from the situation. I spun on my heel and made for the door.
“Grace?” she called after me.
My hand on the door, I turned wearily back toward her. She was still lovely.
“There’s something on your dress, on the back. It looks like, well, it looks like you sat in something,” she said, her face bright red.
I turned to look.
Fucking Milk Dud.
Right in the middle of my ass. It looked like I had a little turd stuck to me.
Of course you do.
You know when you just have one of those really shit days? When nothing works, when it just gets worse and worse, and you think you’re going to burst into tears over and over again? But you keep it together. You don’t know how you do it, but you maintain. Then you do something stupid like stub your toe or drop your coffee, and that’s the last straw. And you lose your fucking mind.
I saw it clearly now. This was not my world. This was never my world. Jack needed someone better suited for this life. And it was not me. I didn’t deserve someone as wonderful and amazing as Jack. It didn’t matter that I loved him more than anyone in my entire life.
The writing was on the wall, the Milk Duds were on the chair, and I sat smack dab in the middle of them. I sighed heavily, my shoulders hunching over.
“Please don’t take this personally, Marcia, because I can tell you are honestly a nice person. And I know Jack would never be friends with a jerk, so I know you’re not. But you strike me as the kind of girl who has never and would never sit on a motherfucking Milk Dud. And I really can’t be around that kind of girl right now. It was nice to meet you. Take care of him, please.” I left the ladies room.
I walked straight through the lobby, not even bothering to hide my ass and the remnants of the Dud. I kept my head down as I made my way to the street, and, forgetting about trying to find my limo, I went through the line of fans, crossed the street, and hailed a cab.
~ ~ ~
I went back to my house, took off my dress, and left it in a puddle on the kitchen floor. I threw my shoes at the wall. I stood under the shower for a solid hour while my phone rang and rang and rang on the bathroom counter. When I got out of the shower, I put it in the freezer without even checking messages, and I grabbed the Absolut.
I sat on a lawn chair on the patio, drinking icy vodka from an “I got Lei’d In Hawaii” shot glass shaped like a hula dancer.
After a while I heard a car pull up. I heard keys in the door. I heard loud footsteps clunking through the house, and I heard him yelling for me.
I didn’t answer.
I heard his voice getting closer and angrier. He finally came to the French doors on the patio and looked out into the darkness. He couldn’t see me, and he clicked on the floodlights.
They illuminated everything. My wet hair, the mascara all over, my vodka bottle. My tear-stained face. My defeated face. My resigned and determined face.
“What the fuck, Grace?” he asked, face angry.
We stared at each other across the patio.
I set the bottle down and stood to face him. I was shockingly sober, considering the amount of alcohol I’d consumed.
“Jack, first let me apologize for leaving you tonight. I had to get out of there—” I started.
He interrupted me. “Why the hell did you leave? What—” he began.
I held up my hand. “I’m not finished. Please let me say this. I’m sorry I left you tonight,” I began again, my voice very low and controlled.
He waited, then nodded for me to continue.
“This isn’t going to work, Jack,” I said, and I felt my body tense.
“What’s not going to work? What are you talking about?” He stepped out of the doorway and down onto the flagstone.
“This. Us. This isn’t going to work. We need to cut our losses now before either of us gets in any deeper.” I was amazed at the sound of my voice. I sounded so in control.
A better word for it would be dead. You sound dead.
I felt dead.
I watched Jack’s face as he received this information. It changed quickly.
“Are you kidding me with this shit? What the fuck is wrong with you, Grace?” he yelled. He actually yelled at me. He crossed the patio in three long strides and grabbed me by the arms. I flopped like a rag doll, lifeless.
“We should never have started this in the first place. We want totally different things, and we should stop this now. This has to stop,” I heard myself say. It was like I was underwater and could hear myself talking. The words were murky a
nd thick. It didn’t even sound like me.
“You’re crazy, you know that? How in the world can you even think about ending things with me? You know we’re perfect together,” he said, his eyes pained now. He knew I was serious.
His eyes pierced my veil, and I began to feel some things. Hurt. Sickness. Panic. Anger.
“Don’t say that. I see perfection, but I don’t see it here. Do you know how I felt seeing you and her together tonight?” My voice began to rise.
“Oh, please, Grace. Is that what this is about? How many times can I tell you there’s nothing going on between Marcia and me?” His voice matched mine in intensity.
I ignored the way my stomach contracted when he said her name. “Oh, I believe you. I know you’re just friends. But that’s the kind of girl you should be with. A girl—not some geezery woman like me. And now that the press knows who I am, how old I am? They’ll fucking crucify me. We’ve been fooling ourselves to think this could work outside the little sex bubble we’ve been living in.”
He was quiet. He was so angry. I’d never seen him so angry. When he let go of my arms, I had little Jack-prints on my skin.
“I’ve never in my life seen someone deliberately run in the opposite direction of happiness more than you do,” he said, staring daggers into my eyes.
“What?”
“You heard me. You push it away as hard as you can. You and I know both know there’s no one on the planet better suited for you than me, no one better equipped to handle all your shit, and yet here you are. Throwing it away like you don’t care.”
“I do care! I love you! But this is wrong. I just know in my heart it’s wrong. You don’t need all my shit. It isn’t fair to you. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you, but this is just not the right time for us. You don’t realize how they’re going to scrutinize you for this,” I said, my voice beginning to crack.
“Would you please let me decide what I can and can’t handle? God damn, Grace. You act like you’re so difficult. Did you ever stop to think that I need you too? That you’re perfect for me? That you put up with my shit as well? You can’t just give me your love and then take it away without asking. It doesn’t work like that!” he snapped. He ran both hands through his hair, dragging them down and stopping with them on either side of his face.