Us.
It hit me then that I couldn’t just throw his stupid keys at his stupid head and go back home. I had to make sure all of this got straightened out first, or Turk would be out of a job. And he didn’t deserve that. Hopefully, Dash wouldn’t be an asshole and fire him without cause, which meant he’d do a drug test and when Turk’s came back clean, he’d be okay. I couldn’t count on that though because Dash wasn’t exactly in a rational state of mind.
I’d have to talk to him.
Shit.
Just thinking about it made me want to scream.
Without choosing a specific direction, I found myself at the beach, staring out over the ocean while the wind tore at my damp hair and sent my robe flapping around my legs. It was chilly outside. I should have at least gotten dressed, but with Dash standing there, accusing me of using drugs, I’d just had to get away.
The tears blurred my vision again, and I gave into the urge, letting out a frustrated scream that turned into a half-sob. I choked it down, letting anger replace hurt.
He made me cry over him.
Now I really wanted to throw something at him.
Maybe what I would do was put the keys inside the bag of tea. With a note.
Here are your drugs, you fucking asshole. Sold legally at the shop a few doors down from where Didi works. Next time you get a headache, shove them up your arrogant, accusing ass.
I could throw them at him on my way out the gate tonight.
No. Tomorrow.
I needed tonight to calm down and rest, figure out what I was going to do and where I was going to go.
Although really, there was only one answer.
I couldn’t stay here, not anywhere close to him.
The man I loved didn’t trust me at all.
“Dammit!”
The waves crashed into the surf, an echo of the tumult I felt inside. Without thinking, I moved closer, drawn to the unending roar and crash of water. Reaching for the tie at my robe, I undid it and shrugged out of it.
The water would be cold.
That was fine.
I’d take a swim, clear my head.
Freeze myself out of this anger-and-pain-induced fog.
Then I’d think, plan, figure out what I would do next. Those plans would either involve punching Dash then speeding off into the night, bags packed and locked in my trunk, or just walking out, leaving my note-in-tea bag.
I’d figure it all out.
Later.
34
Dash
She stormed out and left.
A tactic I was all too familiar with. How many times had Layla done that?
Of course, she’d usually done it after yelling at me, telling me that I didn’t understand what it was like, how hard it was.
Astra hadn’t said anything, just glared at me and walked away.
Hell, what was I supposed to do? Ignore what I’d seen? I’d done that before, and it hadn’t ended well. I couldn’t take that again.
My collar felt tight, and I tore off my tie, dropping it onto the bed as I moved out of the bathroom and into her bedroom. Restless, I paced, but that didn’t do much of anything except add to the anger building inside me.
I headed outside onto the balcony and gripped the railing.
The turbulent waters of the Pacific crashed into the beach, echoing the chaos inside my head.
I searched the yard around the house, looking for her. She was probably on the porch, or out in the backyard…
A flutter of movement caught my eye, and I glanced up just in time to see her cut around the bend in one of the gardens before disappearing down the hill that led to the beach.
“You don’t waste time when you go storming off, do you?” I muttered.
At least she hadn’t gotten into her car and disappeared for a few days. That would’ve driven me crazy. Not knowing where she was, if she was okay. No matter how much I wished it wasn’t the case, I still cared.
“Shit.” Turning away, I stared back at the house. I wanted answers. I needed them. If she was a junkie, I could…
The word help stuck in my throat.
I’d done that before. Or tried. Failed. How many times had I asked myself what would have happened if I’d pushed harder, sooner? Demanded that Layla get help rather than listening to her pleas?
Slowly, I turned and looked back down at the beach.
I hadn’t made a conscious decision when I started out of the house. But all those what ifs and the what could have beens were circling inside my head, turning into a maelstrom, driving the bright edge of anger and frustration higher and hotter.
How had I missed the signs with Astra?
It didn’t make sense, but I had missed something.
I’d find out what, and then…
“Then what?” I muttered, jogging down the path she’d taken only moments earlier.
Nobody knew better than me that I couldn’t make somebody get help.
But I could push. And if she refused…?
I wasn’t doing that again. No way in hell. Better to know and end it now.
I hit the beach, searching for her, the words I planned to say burning in my throat.
And they all died when my gaze landed on her robe.
That pale ivory silk she’d pulled on over her damp body when she climbed out of the bathtub now lay on the sand, and the cool breeze coming off the water made it flutter like a weak, sad little ghost.
Not sure what to think, I stared at it, my mind either unable or unwilling to wrap around the possibilities.
Slowly, I raised my head and looked around.
If I hadn’t looked up at that very second, I wouldn’t have seen her at all.
Panic slammed into me, eradicating every last bit of anger in a brilliant, focusing flare.
The rough water grabbed her as she fought her way to the surface, but in seconds, it sucked her back down.
Fear grabbed me in a stranglehold, knocking the breath out of me. Anybody who knew these beaches would recognize what was happening. The riptide was deadly and claimed more than its share of victims every year.
Kicking off my shoes, I took off running into the water, diving straight into the current and letting it carry me.
I wouldn’t lose her.
Not her too.
35
Astra
They say when you’re dying, everything slows down and you can see your life flashing before you.
I got it now because I could see hundreds of memories, maybe thousands.
Piety and me, hitting Las Vegas for the fifth time since we’d graduated…every time was a little bit different…and a little bit the same. Until the last time, because of Kaleb.
Kaleb, hugging his sister at the official wedding.
Piety, telling me about the baby.
The baby…
I wanted to see that baby, dammit! I was going to be a godmother. The non-bio aunt. They were my family, and I’d be damned if I gave them up.
Clawing my way through the water, I struggled to get back to the shore, but I was so tired and the more I swam, the farther I was dragged from shore, and then, I was just being dragged under, the waves battering my body as more images flashed through my mind.
My mother’s voice, chiding me in that proper way of hers.
Will you ever learn to think before you act?
No, Mama…I won’t. I’m sorry…
I should have told her I loved her when I called on Christmas.
And my dad.
If you don’t learn to curb that recklessness of yours, it will get you in trouble one day.
Guess what, Daddy? It’s one day!
The desire to giggle insanely hit me as I broke the surface, but instinct had me sucking in air. A second later, it was water as I went back under again.
You can’t keep doing whatever reckless idea jumps into your head!
My mom again. And she was right. I couldn’t because this would be the last time I acted recklessly…o
r any other way. I didn’t want to give up, but even my naturally optimistic personality couldn’t hope for a way out of this.
Still, I tried, once more to reach the surface. I managed to get there, but my arms were so weak, I choked and dragged in more water than air.
I was too tired.
I’d never make it back to the surface.
Dash…
Anger surged, and I kicked again desperately, but it wasn’t enough.
Piety. The baby. Mom. Dad…
My lungs burned.
Everything was dulling out on me.
I’m sorry…
Something grabbed my wrist. Panicked, I kicked out, but I was so weak, it didn’t do anything, and I was dragged through the water with little resistance on my part. A few seconds later, my head broke the surface, and an arm came around my waist, supporting me.
“Quit fighting, or you’ll drown us both!”
The words didn’t make sense until seconds later.
The water was churning around us.
And if I hadn’t been gagging on saltwater, I would have been able to breathe.
“Hang on to me, dammit!”
Dash…
Dazed, I wrapped an arm around his neck, and finally realized that I wasn’t going to drown.
But that didn’t stop the darkness from coming.
36
Dash
She blacked out just a few seconds after I told her to hold on.
Panic pushed me harder, faster, and I was swearing, praying, and shouting at her when I finally dragged her onto the beach.
I eased her down onto the sand, her naked body far paler than it should be, her lips faintly blue.
“Don’t you dare die on me,” I said, putting my fingers on her throat and checking for a pulse.
Relief slammed into me when I found one, and in the next second, she started to choke. Water came bubbling out of her, and I rolled her onto her side, easing her up to help her cough everything out of her lungs.
“You’ll be alright,” I said, my voice shaking. “You’ll be alright, I promise.”
She started to tremble, violent spasms wracking her body. Chafing her arms with my hands, I fought to warm her, but the two of us were both wet. She was naked, and my clothes were soaked. I stopped rubbing her arms when I realized that the sand on my hands was doing more harm than good.
Another coughing fit rattled her, and I huddled closer, trying to protect her from the wind, and offer what little body heat I could. Slowly, her breathing calmed, but she shivered harder and harder.
“Come on.” My voice hitched in my throat, and I forced myself to shove the emotion, the panic, and fear down. I couldn’t fall apart right now. She needed me. “We need to get you warmed up.”
She stumbled when I tried to get her onto her feet, and I wasn’t surprised. I was exhausted, and I’d spent years swimming against the Pacific current. Her legs had to feel like jelly.
I didn’t even hesitate to pick her up. She’d never seemed delicate or fragile to me, not until now. I cradled her against my chest, and her head fell against my shoulder, her lashes shielding her eyes.
I almost lost you.
No, I decided. That wasn’t going to happen. Not if I had any say in it.
“Don’t fall asleep,” I said brusquely. “You need to get warmed up. Wake up!”
She flinched and blinked, looking around with a dazed expression. Moving away from the beach, I set my jaw. She was going to be okay. I wouldn’t accept anything else.
37
Astra
A spray of water in my face jerked me back to awareness.
“Stop.” I batted at the water as if that would stop it, but strong arms held me tight.
“You need to warm up.” Dash’s voice was hard. “You’re going into shock. It’s not exactly swimming weather – it’s fucking December, but I suspect you know that.”
The words didn’t make sense, but it was hard to think when I was shivering so hard my teeth rattled. I figured out we were in the shower, so that meant I wasn’t drowning. That was good. And Dash was here. I was fairly sure I was supposed to be pissed at him, but I couldn’t remember why just yet. He held me under the shower and bit by bit, he turned up the water until it was warm – until I was warm.
“Tha…that’s better,” I said, fighting the words out over a thick tongue.
“You weren’t in the water that long, but it was colder than normal. You can’t plunge into a hot shower – unless you want to risk stopping your heart.” The caustic edge in his voice managed to clear some of the fog in my head.
But the water felt good, and so did he.
If he’d just kept standing there, let me stay under the water…
He didn’t.
Five seconds later, the water was off, and he pulled me out of the shower and wrapped me in a big, fluffy towel. I stumbled, my limbs feeling like they were made of leaden weights. I blinked as I looked around. The room was unfamiliar.
“Where are we?”
“My pool house. It was closest.” He pushed me down onto a chair then turned away.
I watched, feeling like I was watching a movie. Everything felt…disconnected and off somehow. He disappeared behind a wall and came back wearing a pair of black warm-up pants, then he picked me up again. “You need to warm up some more and eat. I’ll take you up to my house, then we’ll talk.”
“No.”
The word surprised me when I said it, but he ignored me.
When we started up the path to his house, I started to struggle against him, and it wasn’t until I almost belted him that he finally put me down. But he didn’t let go. He caught my face, wrenching me around to face him.
“Stop it!” His voice was deep, vibrating with fury. “You almost drowned! You can throw your tantrum later!”
Tears blinded me, but I didn’t need to see. Not when he was this close. Adrenaline shoved back some of the fatigue and the fog, and I drove upward with my knee, catching him square between the legs.
He staggered backward, letting go of me.
My voice came out in a weak rasp, nothing like the furious yell I would have liked when I snapped, “I almost drowned, you asshat! You don’t have to be such an asshole!”
Then I turned on my heel and started down the path that would take me to the guesthouse. I swayed and stumbled before I’d taken even five steps. But I stayed on my feet. I’d get there. He had no idea how stubborn I could be.
“You…” He didn’t sound much steadier than me. “You’re going to collapse.”
“I’d rather crawl than go to your house,” I said over my shoulder. “I want to go home.”
In that moment, I didn’t even mean the guesthouse. I meant…home.
But the guesthouse would work.
I stumbled again and, this time, I would have gone down, but Dash was there, and he steadied me.
“Fine,” he growled, the words coming out pained. “I’ll take you back to your place. But we are talking this thing out.”
I was too tired to fight with him. He could talk all he wanted. The minute I wasn’t upright, I was going to pass out. And it wouldn’t even have to be a conscious decision on my part.
I woke to firelight and a warmth so smothering, I thought I might be burning in the pits of hell. Groaning, I fought free of the blankets and the confusion, looking around me.
My head was pounding in a familiar way, and I vaguely remembered the migraine I thought I’d beaten. Shit. I really hoped it wasn’t back. I finally got free of the blankets and tried to stand up.
A shadow appeared in the doorway, and I yelped, falling back onto my ass, the blankets and couch pillowing my fall. But not enough to keep me from sucking in a pained breath.
Everything hurt.
My arms were sluggish, my legs didn’t want to cooperate, and when I went to snap at Dash, my throat hurt too. “You son of a bitch, you scared me to…”
Memory hit, hard and fast.
The water. br />
Going under, convinced I’d never again see the light of day, or take another breath of air. See Dash. Piety. The baby. My parents.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” I said, pronouncing each word with effort as I somehow dragged myself back to my feet. The pounding in my head increased, but there was no way I could do anything about it when I was fighting not to puke all over myself.
I staggered to the bathroom where I would have shut the door, but Dash followed me, and I had to make a choice: fight him and puke on him, or just get to the toilet.
I chose dignity…and puking in front of him instead of on him seemed more dignified. Not much came up, fortunately. Water and bile, and I was almost positive that the water was pure salt water, right out of the ocean. I would have thought I’d coughed it all up already, but maybe not.
My head was pounding when I finally finished.
I turned away from the toilet and made my way over to the sink. After I finished washing my face and hands, then my teeth, I turned back to Dash.
He was holding out a washcloth. I took it and pressed it to the back of my neck.
“Thank you.” My voice still sounded rough, and talking wasn’t pleasant, but I felt a little better.
He said nothing, just stepped aside.
“I’m going to be fine,” I said, moving past him, back into the living room. “You can go now.”
“You think I’m just going to leave?”
“That’s kind of the plan.” I curled up in the armchair angled toward the fireplace. Now that I wasn’t smothered in blankets, I was cold again, and the warmth generated by the gas-induced flames felt amazing.
“After what you tried to do, don’t you think we should talk about this?”
What I tried to do?
“Do you think I did that on purpose?”
“Astra.”
His voice softened for the first time since we’d been together in his office, and he came to sit down on the ottoman in front of the chair. The firelight at his back cast him into shadow and with the dim lights, I could barely make out much more than the shape of his face and his eyes, making it almost impossible to read him.