CHAPTER XIX.
IT'S NOT MAJOR WYNDHAM.
"I will endure; I will not strive to peep Behind the barrier of the days to come." --OWEN MEREDITH.
For a few hours Honor slept soundly. But so soon as her bodilyexhaustion was repaired, grief and stress of mind dragged her back toconsciousness. She woke long before dawn; woke reluctantly, for thefirst time in her life, with a dead weight upon heart and brain; alonging to turn her face to the wall and shut out the unconcernedserenity of the new day.
But though hearts be at breaking-point, there is no shutting out theimpertinent details of life. And on this particular morning Honorfound herself plunged neck-deep in prose. Domestic trifles thrustthemselves aggressively to the fore. Parbutti assailed her afterbreakfast with a voluble diatribe against the dhobi's wife, whoseeldest son was going to and fro in the compound unashamed, wearing ashirt made from the Memsahib's newest jharrons. She did not feelcalled upon to add that her own under-jacket had begun life uponEvelyn Desmond's godown shelves. It was not a question of morals. Itwas the lack of a decent reserve in appropriating her due share of theSahib's possessions which incensed the good lady against the dhobi'swife. Such unreserve in respect of matters which should be hid mightrouse suspicion in other quarters; therefore it behoved Parbutti to bezealous in casting the first stone.
Honor listened with weary inattention, promised investigation of thematter, and passed on to the godown--a closet of broad shelvesstocked with an incongruous assortment of household goods, andsmelling strongly of kerosine oil and bar soap.
Here it was discovered that the oil had been disappearing withmiraculous celerity, and Amar Singh cast aspersions on the _kitmutgar_and his wife. A jealous feud subsisted between him and them; and asruler-in-chief of the Sahib's establishment, the bearer made it apoint of honour to let no one cheat Desmond save himself. He had agrievous complaint to lodge against a _sais_, who had been flagrantlytampering with the Desmonds' grain, adding a request that the MissSahib would of her merciful condescension impart the matter to theSahib. "For he sitteth much occupied, and his countenance is notfavourable this morning."
Honor complied, with a half-smile at the irony of her own position,which, until to-day, she had accepted without after-thought, and whichof a sudden seemed unendurable.
Desmond, much engrossed in regimental concerns, and anxious to get offto the Lines, was inclined to irritability and abruptness; and thedelinquent, who, with his charger ready saddled, awaited the Sahib'sdispleasure in the front verandah suffered accordingly. He bowed,trembling, to the ground, and let the storm sweep over his head;making no defence beyond a disarming reiteration of his ownworthlessness, and of his everlasting devotion to the Protector of thePoor.
Turning back to the hall for his helmet, Desmond encountered Honor inthe doorway, and his wrath gave place to a smile of good fellowshipthat brought the blood into her cheeks.
"Hope my volcanics didn't horrify you," he said apologetically. "Itseems almost as cowardly to fly out at those poor chaps as to strike achild; but they have a genius for tripping one up at criticalmoments."
He paused, and scanned her face with kindly anxiety. "You're all rightagain now? Not troubled any more--eh?"
"No. I'm perfectly well. Don't bother your head about me, please. Youhave so much more important things to think about."
Her colour deepened; and she turned so hastily away that, in spite ofhis impatience to be gone, Desmond stood looking after her with atroubled crease between his brows. Then he swung round on his heel,vaulted into the saddle, and straightway forgot everything except theengrossing prospect of the campaign.
But for all his preoccupation, he had not failed to note thewistfulness in Evelyn's dutifully smiling eyes. He was more thanusually tender with her on his return, and successfully banished thewistfulness by giving up his polo to take her for a ride. Honor stoodwatching them go, through tears which rose unbidden from the depth ofher lonely grief, her haunting sense of disloyalty to the two sheloved. She dashed them impatiently aside the instant they moistenedher lashes; and betook herself for an hour's rest and refreshment toMrs Jim Conolly,--"Mrs Jim" was her station name,--whose open-heartedlove and admiration would give her a much-needed sense of support.
She entered her friend's drawing-room without formal announcement, tofind her seated on a low sofa, barricaded with piles of cotton frocksand pinafores, which had suffered maltreatment at the hands of thatarch-destroyer of clothes and temper--the Indian dhobi.
"Don't get up, please," the girl said quickly, as Mrs Conolly gatheredher work together with an exclamation of pleasure. "I've just come fora spell of peace and quietness, to sit at the feet of Gamaliel andlearn wisdom!"
She settled herself on the carpet,--a favourite attitude when theywere alone together,--and with a sigh of satisfaction leaned againsther friend's knee. The older woman put an arm round her shoulders, andpressed her close. Her mother's heart went out in very real devotionto this beautiful girl, who, strong and self-reliant as she was,turned to her so spontaneously for sympathy, counsel, and love.
"Arrogant child!" she rebuked her, smiling. "Remember who it was thatsat at the feet of Gamaliel! But what particular kind of wisdom areyou wanting from me to-day?"
"No particular kind. I'm only liking to have you near me. One is sosure of your faith in the ultimate best, that there is encouragementin the touch of your hand."
She took it between both her own, and rested her cheek against theother's arm, hiding her face from view.
Mrs Jim smiled, not ill pleased. She was one of those rare optimistswho, having frankly confronted the evil and sorrow, the ironies andinconsistencies of life, can still affirm and believe that "God's inhis Heaven; all's right with the world." But an unusual note in thegirl's voice perplexed her.
"Are you in special need of encouragement just now, dear?" she asked."Is that big baby of yours making you anxious on account of thisexpedition?"
"No--oh no! She is going to behave beautifully. The shock upset her atfirst, and she wanted Theo to stay behind. It was hard for him; but heheld out; and I think I have helped her to see that he was right. Hehas taken her for a ride this afternoon and she is very happy."
"She has a great deal to thank you for, Honor," the elder woman saidgravely. "I felt from the first that you were in rather a difficultposition between those two, and you have filled it admirably. I havesaid very little to you about it, so far; but I have watched you andthought of you unceasingly; and I believe Major Meredith would beprouder of you than ever if he could realise that you have turned yourtime of waiting to such good account."
Honor's cheek still rested against Mrs Conolly's arm, and the warmththat fired it penetrated the thin muslin of her blouse. She wondered alittle, but said nothing; and after a short pause Honor spoke in a lowvoice and with an attempt at lightness which was not a conspicuoussuccess.
"You think too well of me, so does John. I have done little enough.Only, I care very much for--them both, and I want them to behappy--that's all."
"There are always two ways of stating a fact," the other answered,smiling. "And--do you know, Honor, _I_ care very much for you--if youwere my own child, I could hardly care more--and, frankly, I want tosee _you_ happy in the same way." She laid her free hand over the twothat held her own. "It would be a sin for a woman like you not tomarry. I take it for granted you have had chances enough, and I havesometimes wondered----"
The girl lifted her head and sat upright. She had come here to escapeher trouble, and it confronted her at every turn.
"Please--please don't begin wondering about that," she saiddecisively, "or I shall have to get up and go away; and I don't wantto do that."
"No, no! my child, of course not. We will talk of other things."
But the shrewd woman said within herself: "There _is_ some one afterall," adding a heartfelt hope that it might be Major Wyndham. Thus hernext remark was more relevant to the forbidden subject than Honor waslike
ly to guess.
"I hear Major Wyndham's squadron remains behind. You are glad, Isuppose? You seem to be good friends."
"Yes; it will be a great comfort to have him when one will bemissing--all the rest. There are very few men in the world like MajorWyndham; don't you think so? He has the rare secret of being in it,yet not of it. I sometimes wonder whether anything could really upsetthat self-contained tranquillity of his, which makes him such arestful companion."
Here was high praise, and Mrs Jim echoed it heartily; yet in spite ofit, perhaps because of it, she was far from content. "It is not MajorWyndham," she decided, regretfully. "But then,--who else is it likelyto be?"
At this moment children's voices sounded in the garden and Honorsprang impulsively to her feet. "Oh, there are Jimmy and Violet!" shecried. "Let me go and be foolish with them for a little and give themtheir tea. We can play at wisdom again afterwards--you and I."
With that she hurried out into the garden; and in surrendering herselfto the superbly unconscious egotism of childhood, found passingrespite from the torment of her own thoughts. But it was some timebefore Mrs Conolly returned to her interrupted work.
Paul Wyndham dined again at the blue bungalow that night; and it soonbecame evident to Honor that something had succeeded in upsetting theschooled serenity which was the keynote of the man's character.Desmond kept the conversation going with unflagging spirit, obviouslyfor his friend's benefit; but he never once mentioned the campaign;and Honor began to understand that Paul rebelled, with quite unusualvehemence, against an order which sent his friend on active servicewithout him. Then it occurred to her that he must have been unlikehimself the night before, and that she, in her blind self-absorption,had noticed nothing. Remorse pricked her heart and gave additionalwarmth to her manner,--a fact which he was quick to perceive, and tomisinterpret.
The men sat a long while over their cigars, and thereafter went intothe study at Paul's request.
Honor had been right in her guess. The fiat of separation, coming at atime of active service, had roused him as he was rarely roused; hadproved to him, if proof were needed, that in spite of the strong love,which had opened new vistas of thought and emotion for him during thepast year, his feeling for Desmond was, and always would be, themaster-force of his life. That he should be condemned to play thewoman's part and sit with idle hands while his friend risked life andlimb in the wild mountain country across the Border, seemed for themoment more than he could accept in silence.
He was obliged to own grudgingly that the Colonel was justified in hisdecision,--that as Second in Command he was the right man to remain incharge of the station. But the acknowledgment did not make thenecessity one whit less detestable in his eyes; and to-night the twomen's positions were reversed. It was Paul who moved to and fro withlong restless strides; while Theo, enveloped in a cloud of blue smoke,sat watching him in profound sympathy and understanding, makingoccasional attempts at consolation, with small result.
* * * * *
During the next ten days Honor Meredith discovered how much may beachieved and endured with the help of use and wont; discovered alsothat habit is the rock on which man's soul shall be wrecked oranchored in his evil day.
She forced herself to speak of Theo more often than she had donehitherto; for she now understood the reason of her instinctivereserve where he was concerned; and the mere effort of breakingthrough it was a help. She succeeded in talking to him also, if withless frankness, still with something of her old simplicity and ease;and in playing his favourite preludes and sonatas, even though theystirred unsounded depths of emotion, and made the burden laid upon hershoulders seem too heavy to be borne.
One habit alone seriously hindered her. Her spirit of candour--whichwas less a habit than an elemental essence--chafed against the barrierbetween her and those she loved. For she now found herself constrainedto avoid the too discerning eyes of Paul and Mrs Conolly, and, aboveall, of Theo himself. Men and women whose spirit hibernates more orless permanently in its temple of flesh have small knowledge of thejoy of such wordless intercourse; such flashes of direct speechbetween soul and soul; but Honor felt the lack of it keenly. Sheexperienced, for the first time in her life, that loneliness of heartwhich is an integral part of all great sorrow.
But when things are at their worst we must needs eat and sleep, andfind some degree of satisfaction in both. Honor was young, practical,healthy, and her days were too well filled to allow of time forbrooding; nor had she the smallest leaning toward that unprofitableoccupation. She sought and found refuge from her clamorous Ego,--nevermore clamorous than at the first awakening of love,--in concentratingthought and purpose upon Evelyn; in bracing her to meet this firstreal demand upon her courage in a manner befitting Theo Desmond'swife.
And she reaped her measure of reward. Evelyn bore herself bravely onthe whole. Theo's manifest approbation acted as a subconscious pillarof strength. But on the last day of all, when the strain of standingmorally on tiptoe was already producing its inevitable effect, anunlooked-for shock brought her back to earth with the rush of awounded bird.
The troops were to march at dawn; and in the evening it transpiredthat Theo intended to dine at Mess, returning, in all probability,just in time to change and ride down to the Lines. The programme wasso entirely a matter of course on the eve of an expedition, and hissquadron had absorbed so much of his attention, that he had forgottento speak of the matter earlier; and the discovery was the last touchneeded to upset Evelyn's unstable equilibrium. Her collapse was themore complete by reason of the strain that had gone before.
At the first she entreated him to give up the dinner and to spend hislast evening with her; and upon his gentle but definite answer thatsuch a departure from precedent was hardly possible, she fell tosobbing with the passionate unrestraint of a child. In vain Desmondtried to reason with her, to assure her that these big nights on theeve of active service were a time-honoured custom; and that allmarried officers attended them as a matter of course.
"I would willingly stay at home to please you, Ladybird," he added,"but the fellows would probably come round and carry me off by mainforce. It would all be done in the way of a joke, of course; but can'tyou see that any lack of regimental spirit on my part is a reflectionon you, which I won't have at any price?"
No, she could see nothing, poor distracted child, except that he wasrewarding her cruelly ill for the genuine effort at control she hadmade for his sake; and having once lost hold upon herself, all thepent-up fears and rebellion, at loss of him, found vent in asemi-coherent outbreak of reproaches and tears, till Desmond finallylost his patience, and went off to change for Mess in a mood of mindill-tuned to the boisterous night ahead of him.
"Big nights," an immemorial feature of army life, are a speciallymarked feature of the Frontier, where the constant recurrence ofBorder warfare, and the hardness of existence generally, produce morefrequent outbursts of the schoolboy spirit that characterises theBritish soldier of all ranks; that carries him unafraid and undismayedthrough heart-breaking campaigns; keeps him cheerful and uncomplainingin the face of flagrant mismanagement, fell-climates, disaster, anddefeat. Big nights, sixty years ago, left a goodly number of men,either under the table or in a condition only a few degrees lessundignified. But, in spite of the outcry against modern degeneration,these things are not so to-day; and the big nights of the FrontierForce, on the eve of active service, are singularly free from this,the least admirable part of the programme.
The week before departure was necessarily a week of hard work,culminating in the task of getting all details into perfect marchingorder, and setting every item in readiness for the start at dawn. Thisdone, the British predilection for "letting off steam" resulted in anight of uproarious hilarity, incomprehensible to those ignorant ofthe conditions which gave it birth, and unable to realise its toniceffect on men who are setting out to face danger, hardship, andpossibly a violent death.
Wild games and contests were the order
of the evening,--the wilder themore acceptable. Cock-fighting, mock-polo matches, or gymkhanas,--onsuch occasions nothing comes amiss in the way of riotous foolishnesspure and simple. The senior officer forgets his seniority; the mostdignified lets fall the cloak of dignity for a few exhilarating hours.
Colonel Buchanan himself entered with zest into the maddestinnovations which Desmond or Olliver could devise; and those who knewPaul Wyndham, in his normal habit as he lived, would scarce haverecognised him masquerading as Desmond's polo pony, in ainter-regimental match played with billiard balls, brother officersdoing duty for mounts and cues for polo-sticks. It was all excellentfooling; and the bar of grey in the east came far too soon.
Close on five o'clock Desmond re-entered the bungalow; his scarletkummerbund disordered; his white mess-jacket in a hundred creases; yetalert and ready in every fibre for the day's march that lay beforehim.
The grey twilight of dawn was already creeping in through theskylights and long glass doors, as he passed through the drawing-roominto his study.
Here he came to a standstill with a low exclamation of surprise.
On his cane deck-lounge Evelyn lay fast asleep, her face so turnedupon the cushion that its delicate profile showed clear as a cameoagainst a background of dull blue. Her white dinner dress gleamedghostly in the dusk of morning. One bronze slipper had fallen off;and one bare arm hung limply over the chair's edge, the fingers curledsoftly upwards. A slender chain bangle, with a turquoise pendant, hadalmost slipped over her hand.
Desmond drew nearer with softened tread, and stood looking down uponher, a world of tenderness in his eyes;--tenderness touched with thereverence a finely tempered man is apt to feel in the presence of achild or woman asleep. For by some mysterious process sleep sanctifiesa face; perhaps because it is half brother to death.
Evelyn's face was white as her dress, save for the coral tint of herlips. Their downward droop, the red line along her eyelids, and themoist handkerchief clutched in her right hand, were moreheart-stirring than tears.
He knelt down beside her and lightly caressed her hair.
"Ladybird," he said softly, "time to wake up."
His touch brought her back to life with an indrawn breath like a sob;and at sight of him her arms went round his neck.
"Theo, darling," she whispered, drawing his head down close to hers."I--was dreaming--that you were gone. I suppose you are going verysoon now?"
"Yes; in about an hour."
She held him closer.
"I was bad and selfish to you last night, Theo. I didn't mean to be;but--I was. Honor made me understand."
"Bless her brave heart!" he said fervently. "She comes of the beststock I know. By the way, I am sure she never told you to spend thenight here."
"No. She thought I had gone to bed. But I was too unhappy to troubleabout that--and----"
"You thought I might turn up before morning,--wasn't that it?"
"Y--yes." She flushed softly on the confession.
"Poor dear little soul!"
He drew her to her feet, slipped on the fallen shoe, and put his armround her. "Come along to the dressing-room and help me to get into mykhaki."
She walked beside him in so strange a confusion of happiness andmisery that it was impossible to say where one ended and the otherbegan. In the semi-darkness she tripped and stumbled on the threshold,and he caught her close to him, holding her thus for a long moment.Then he began to dress.
At this point the long lean form of Amar Singh appeared in thedoorway. But at sight of the Memsahib, arrayed for dinner, he departedas noiselessly as he had come; not without a lurking sense of injury,since it was clearly his privilege to do those last offices for hisSahib of twelve years' standing.
Evelyn, anxious to show that she could be useful on occasion, followedTheo to and fro like a shadow; handed him the wrong thing at the wrongmoment with pathetic insistence; and hindered his progress by a hostof irrelevant questions. But some women can hinder more engaginglythan others can help; and in any case Theo Desmond was in no humour tolose patience with his wife that morning.
Once her attention was caught and held by Desmond's sword andrevolver, laid ready on a small table. She regarded them with a kindof fearful fascination. They were no longer mere ornaments of hisuniform, but actual death-dealers, going forth to do murderous work.The short blue muzzle of the revolver had a sinister look, and a pointof light at the tip winked like a mocking eye.
"Theo," she said suddenly in an awe-struck undertone, "do you know whatI was dreaming when you woke me? I dreamt that you were fighting withAfridis,--ever so many of them,--and you were all alone. I thoughtthey were going to--kill you every minute. They were running afteryou----"
Here Desmond dispelled the tragic vision with a shout of laughter.
"They'll never get the chance to do _that_, Ladybird, so long as Ihave the use of my bare hands, let alone my sword!"
"But, Theo, just think, if you were all alone, and you were bound toget killed if you stayed, and there was me at home praying to get youback safe; wouldn't you be allowed to run away--even then?"
Desmond smiled; but he did not answer at once. The ludicroussuggestion, with its unconscious touch of pathos, hurt him more thanhe cared to acknowledge.
"It isn't a case of being allowed," he said. "I should never be leftquite alone like that; and anyway, they don't lay down a code ofmorals for us in the Queen's Regulations. It is understood that aBritish officer will play the man, even in desperate straits."
She knitted her brows wistfully. "Yes, of course. Only--it seemsrather hard on--the wives and mothers."
"You never said a truer word, little woman. That's why they need tohave such good grit in them,--don't you see?"
"Yes--I see. But mayn't you just get out of the way of a bullet if youhappen to see it coming?"
Desmond shook his head.
"One generally happens to feel it before one gets a chance of seeingit," he said. "But now, let's have done with nonsense. Buckle on mysword and we'll go to breakfast. The whole house is astir."
She set the leathern belt round his waist, and tried to fasten it; buther fingers trembled in spite of herself, and a mist blinded her eyes.He took the heavy strap from her very gently, and fastened it himself.
"You won't change and ride out a little way with us as the others meanto?" he asked.
"N--no; I couldn't. I don't want to make you ashamed of me, Theo."
For answer he held out his arms; and there was a long silence in thedimly lighted room.
Then he led her to the door of their room, and himself went out to thebreakfast-table with a brisk elasticity of tread. He would not havebeen the man he was, if even the pang of parting could altogetherquench his ardour to be gone.
In the dining-room he found Honor ready equipped for the start. Shelooked paler than usual, and there were blue shadows under her eyes;but she answered his greeting cheerfully enough, and busied herselfwith pouring out his tea.
"Ladybird is changing into a morning gown," he explained. "She neverwent to bed last night poor child!"
"Oh, I wish I had known that! I did my best to comfort her."
"So she told me: and you succeeded. You generally do."
He glanced at her thoughtfully, a shade of anxiety in his eyes."You're not looking as fit yourself as you did a fortnight ago," hesaid.
"Don't talk nonsense," she answered with a touch of impatience.
"Well, I hope it may be nonsense. But I feel responsible for you. Takegood care of yourself, please, while I am away; and--take care of myLadybird as well.... Hullo, there's Paul!"
Wyndham entered as he spoke, wearing the undress uniform of stationlife: and Honor had seldom been so glad to see him as at that moment.
The two men stood facing one another for quite a long time. Then theysmiled, and sat down to breakfast. Both knew that in that long lookthey had said all that need ever be said between them and it sufficed.
Evelyn came in a few minutes later, pale and subdu
ed, but notuncheerful. Her real sorrow, and no less real determination to controlit, gave a rare touch of dignity to the grace and simplicity that werehers by nature;--a fact which her husband was quick to perceive andadmire. Both men, by a natural instinct, were a trifle more attentiveto her than usual, without the least hint of intrusion upon theprivacy of her grief; and it is in just such acts of unobtrusivechivalry that Englishmen, of the best type, stand unrivalledthroughout the world.
The meal over, Evelyn accompanied them into the verandah, and stoodsmiling and waving her hand to them as they rode away, with acomposure born of a stunned sense of the unreality of it all. Theo wasjust going down to the Lines, and he would be back to tiffin as amatter of course. Nevertheless, half an hour later the rims of hereyes were again reddened with weeping: and donning a sun-hat, shehurried out to a point where she could watch the little force moveacross the space of open country between the cantonment and thebastioned fort that stands at the entrance to the hills.
By the time Evelyn reached her coign of vantage, the cavalcade wasalready nearing the prescribed mile where the final parting would takeplace, to the strains of "Auld Lang Syne"; a piece of gratuitoustorment, honoured by custom, which many would have willingly foregone.
The slowly retreating mass, half enveloped in dust, showed a fewshades darker than the desert itself. A patch of vermilion indicatedthe Pioneer band, now blaring forth, with placid unconcern, "The GirlI Left Behind Me!" Lesser specks denoted officers, riding out, likethe rest of the station, to speed the parting troops.
The cavalry riding in the van were a mere moving dust-cloud, followedby artillery, infantry, ambulance doolies, borne by half-naked Kahars;while a jumble of men and animals, camp-followers and transport,formed, as it were, a disorderly tail to the more compact body.Camels, groaning under tent-poles and heavy baggage, shuffled andswayed on the outskirts, with leisurely contempt; grass-cutters bobbedcheerfully along on ponies of no birth or breeding, that appearedoddly misshapen under vast loads of grass: and at the last cameminiature transport carts, closely followed by the rear-guard, a mixedbody of all arms.
While Evelyn still watched, the halt was called, and the disturbingstrains of parting reached her where she stood. Hill, plain, andnearer objects lost their crispness of outline; and she went back tothe silent house awaiting her,--the lively strains of the return marchalready sounding in her ears.
As she stood still for a moment, fighting against her emotion, OwenKresney rode past. She barely acknowledged his greeting; and he hadthe tact to pass on without speech. For the man saw plainly that thecoveted opportunity for striking a blow at Desmond, behind his back,was very near at hand; and he could afford to bide his time.