CHAPTER XXVIII.
YOU SHALL NOT--!
"I have very sore shame if like a coward I shrink away from battle. Moreover, my own soul forbiddeth me."--HOMER.
Quite a little party of a quiet kind assembled in the drawing-room fortea--Frank Olliver, Mrs Conolly, Wyndham, and his subaltern GeorgeRivers, a promising probationer of a year's standing. The funeral ofthe morning, and anxiety as to the fate of Desmond's eyes, gave asubdued tone to the attempt at cheerfulness that prevailed. But Evelynwas grateful even for so mild a reversion to a more normal conditionof things.
Each in turn had paid a short visit to the wounded hero in the study;but now they were grouped round the tea-table, leaving him temporarilyalone. Evelyn had just filled his cup; and being in no mood tointerrupt her exchange of light-hearted nothings with George Rivers,she glanced across at Wyndham, who promptly understood the situationand the mute request.
Honor, standing apart from the rest, noted the characteristic bit ofby-play, and with a pang of envy watched Paul receive the cup andplate destined for Theo's room. It seemed a century since she had lefthim in the morning, with words wrung from her bitterness of heart andregretted as soon as they were uttered; and because of the longing,that would not be stifled, she refrained from the offer that cameinstinctively to her lips.
But, as if drawn by the magnetism of her thoughts, Paul came straightup to her.
"Won't you take these yourself?" he said in a low tone. "He has seenplenty of me this afternoon; and when I spoke of you just now he saidyou had not been near him since breakfast. Is that your notion oftaking charge of a patient? It isn't mine, I can tell you!"
He spoke lightly, easily; for if life were to be tolerable, thediscovery he had made must be ignored, without and within.
"It is not mine either," she answered, flushing at the unmeritedreproof. "But I am by way of handing over my charge to you. Doesn'tthe arrangement suit you?"
"By all means. But Mackay rightly chose you. Besides, I am not soselfish that I should want to deprive Theo of the pleasure of yourministrations."
"Deprive him? You are judging him by yourself! It is hardly a questionof deprivation, surely."
Wyndham glanced at her keenly.
"Hullo!" he said, "one doesn't expect that sort of tone from you whereTheo is concerned. What do you mean me to understand by it?"
"Nothing--nothing at all! Only--he happens to prefer _your_ministrations. He almost told me so. You or he can settle it with DrMackay to-night. But I will take these in to him--if you wish."
"Purely as a favour to me?"
Her face lit up with a gleam of irrepressible humour.
"Purely as a favour to you!"
She took the cup and plate from him, still smiling, and passed on intothe study.
As she bent above the table, Desmond lifted his head in a vain effortto get a glimpse of her face.
"Thank you--thank you--how good of you!" he said, his constraintsoftened by a repressed eagerness, which gave her courage to speak herthought.
"Why am I suddenly to be discomfited by such elaborate thanks, suchscathing politeness?" she asked in a tone of valiant good-humour.
"I didn't mean it to be scathing."
"Well, it is. Overmuch thanks for small services is a poor complimentto friendship. I thought you and I agreed on that point."
He answered nothing. He was nerving himself to the effort of decisivespeech, which should set danger at arm's length and end theirdistracting situation once for all.
She set the small table closer to his side.
"I will look in again, in case you should want some more," she saidsoftly, "if you will promise me not to say 'thank you!'"
"I promise," he answered with a half smile; and she turned to go. Butbefore she had reached the door his voice arrested her.
"Honor,--one minute, please. I have something particular to say."
The note of constraint was so marked that the girl stood speechless,scarcely breathing, wondering what would come next--whether his wordswould break down the barrier that held them apart.
"Well?" she said at length, as he remained silent.
"I have been thinking," he began awkwardly, "over what you saidyesterday--about Evelyn. You remember?"
"Yes."
"And I have been wanting to tell you that I believe you were right.You generally are. I believe we ought to give her the chance you spokeof. Besides--I asked too much of you. This may be a slow business; andreally we have no right to trade on your unselfishness to the extent Iproposed. You understand me?"
For the life of him he could not ask her to go outright; his excuseappeared to him lame enough to be an insult itself. A fiercetemptation assailed him to push up the detested shade and discoverwhether he had hurt this girl, who had done so infinitely much forhim. But he grasped the side of his chair, keeping his arm rigid assteel; and awaited her answer, which seemed an eternity in coming.
Indeed, if he had struck her, Honor could scarcely have been morestunned, more indignant, than she was at that moment. But when shefound her voice it was at least steady, if not devoid of emotion.
"No, Theo," she said. "For the first time in my life I _don't_understand you. But I see clearly--what you wish; and if you feelabsolutely certain that you are making the right decision for Evelyn,I have no more to say. For myself, you are asking a far harder thingto-day than you did yesterday. But that is no matter, if it is reallybest for you both--I don't quite know what Dr Mackay will say. I willsee him about it this evening; and you will please tellEvelyn--yourself."
He knew now that he had hurt her cruelly; and with knowledge came therevelation that he was playing a coward's part in rewarding her thusfor all she had done; in depriving Evelyn of her one support andshield, merely because he distrusted his own self-mastery at a time ofsevere mental stress and bodily weakness.
His imperative need for a sight of her face conquered him at last.Quick as thought his hand went up to the rim of the shade. But Honorwas quicker still. The instinct to shield him from harm swepteverything else aside. In a second she had reached him and secured hishand.
"You _shall not_ do that!" she said--anger, fear, determinationvibrating in her low tone.
Then, to her astonishment, she found her own hand crushed in his, witha force that brought tears into her eyes. But he remained silent; andshe neither spoke nor stirred. Emotion dominated her; and her wholemind was concentrated on the effort to hold it in leash.
For one brief instant they stood thus upon the brink of aprecipice--the precipice of mutual knowledge. But both weresafeguarded by the strength that belongs to an upright spirit; andbefore three words could have been uttered Desmond had dropped herhand, almost throwing it from him, with a decisiveness that might havepuzzled her, but that she had passed beyond the region of surprise.
Still neither spoke. Desmond was breathing with the short gasps of aman who has ran a great way, or fought a hard fight; and Honorremained beside him, her eyes blinded, her throat aching with tearsthat must not be allowed to fall.
At last she mastered them sufficiently to risk speech.
"What _have_ I done that you should treat me--like this?"
There was more of bewilderment than of reproach in the words, andDesmond, turning his head, saw the white marks made by his ownfingers upon the hand that hung at her side.
"Done?" he echoed, all constraint and coldness gone from his voice."You have simply proved yourself, for the hundredth time--thestaunchest, most long-suffering woman on God's earth. Will you forgiveme, Honor? Will you wipe out what I said--and did just now? I am notquite--myself to-day; if one dare proffer an excuse. Mackay is right,we can't do without you--Evelyn least of any. Will you believe that,and stay with us, in spite of all?"
He proffered his hand now, and she gave him the one that still tingledfrom his pressure. He held it quietly, closely, as the hand of afriend, and was rewarded by her frank return of his grasp.
"Of course I will stay," she said sim
ply. "But don't let there be anytalk of forgiveness between you and me, Theo. To understand is toforgive. I confess I _have_ been puzzled since--yesterday evening, butnow I think we do understand one another again. Isn't that so?"
"Yes; we understand one another, Honor," he answered without a shadowof hesitation; but in his heart he thanked God that she did notunderstand--nor ever would, to her life's end.
Relief reawakened the practical element, which had been submerged inthe emotional. She was watching him now with the eyes of a nurserather than the eyes of a woman.
When he had spoken, his arm fell limply; and he leaned back upon thepillows with a sigh of such utter weariness that her anxiety wasaroused. She remembered that his hand had seemed unnaturally hot, anddeliberately taking possession of it again, laid her fingers on hiswrist. The rapidity of his pulse startled her; since she could have nosuspicion of all that he had fought against and held in check.
"How _is_ one to keep such a piece of quicksilver as you in a state ofplacid stodge!" she murmured. "I suppose I ought to have forbidden youto talk. But how could I dream that--all this would come of it? Youmust lie absolutely quiet and see no one for the rest of the evening.I will send at once for Dr Mackay; and, look, your tea is all cold.You shall have some fresh--very weak--it will do you good. But notanother word, please, to me or any one till I give you leave."
"Very well; I'll do my best to remain in a state of placid stodge, ifthat will ease your mind," he answered so humbly that the tearsstarted to her eyes afresh. "Won't you let me smoke, though? Just onecigarette. It would calm me down finely before Mackay comes."
Without answering she took one from his case and gave it to him. Then,striking a match, held it for him, till the wisp of paper and tobaccowas well alight; while he lay back, drawing in the fragrant smoke,with a sigh in which contentment and despair were strangely mingled.
It is to be hoped that, to the end of time, woman's higher developmentwill never eradicate her delight in ministering to the minor comfortsof the man she loves.
"As soon as I have seen Paul, and sent for Dr Mackay," Honor said, "Iwill come back and stay with you altogether for the present."
"Thank you." He smiled directly the word was out. "I forgot! That'sagainst regulations! But I swear it came straight from my heart."
"In that case you are forgiven!" she answered, with a low laugh.
It was such pure pleasure to have recaptured the old spontaneous Theo,with whom one could say or do anything, in the certainty of beingunderstood, that even anxiety could not quell the new joy at herheart.
Re-entering the drawing-room, she beckoned Wyndham with her eyes andpassed on into the hall. So surprisingly swift are a woman's changesof mood, that by the time he joined her anxiety had taken hold of heragain, to the exclusion of all else.
"What is it?" he asked quickly.
"Oh, Paul, you did well to reprove me! We must send the orderly for DrMackay at once. He has fever now--rather high, I am afraid. Did younotice nothing earlier?"
"No; he seemed quiet enough when I was with him."
"I think he has been worrying over something, apart from his eyes andthe Boy; but I can't get at the bottom of it. No need to make theothers anxious yet; only--I won't leave him again. I intend to stickto my charge after all," she added, with a sudden smile. "There wassome sort of--misunderstanding, it seems. I don't quite know what, butthere's an end of it now."
"Thank God!" The words were no mere formula on Paul Wyndham's lips."Misunderstandings are more poisonous than snakes! Go straight back tohim, and I'll send the orderly flying in two minutes."
* * * * *
There was little sleep for either Wyndham or Honor that night.
The girl persuaded Evelyn to go early to bed, merely telling her thatas Theo was restless she would have to sit up with him for a while;and Evelyn, secretly relieved at not being asked to do the sitting upherself, deposited a light kiss on her husband's hair and departedwith a pretty air of meekness that brought a smile to Honor's lips.
She had felt mildly happy and oppressively good all day. The tea-partyhad helped to lighten the hushed atmosphere of the house; and her lastwaking thought was of George Rivers' deep-toned voice and franklyadmiring eyes. She decided that he might "do" in place of HarryDenvil, who must naturally be forgotten as soon as possible; becauseit was so uncomfortable to think of people who were dead.
Desmond's temperature rose rapidly; and the two, who could not bear toleave his side, divided the night watches between them. Amar Singh,his chin between his knees, crouched dog-like on the mat outside thedoor, presenting himself, from time to time, with such dumb yearningin his eyes that Honor devised small services for him in puretenderness of heart.
Paul took a couple of hours' rest at midnight, on the condition thatHonor should do the same towards morning; and since she was obviouslyreluctant when the unwelcome hour arrived, he smilingly conducted herin person to the threshold of her room.
"Good-night to you,--Miss Meredith! Or should it be good-morning?" hesaid lightly, in the hope of chasing the strained look from her face.
"Good-morning, for preference," she retorted, with an attempt at alaugh. "You can take a horse to the water, but you can't make himdrink! I shan't sleep even for five minutes."
"You think so; but Nature will probably have her way with you all thesame."
He moved as if to go, but she came suddenly nearer; and the hiddenfear leaped to her lips.
"Paul--is there any real danger because of this fever? One is soafraid of erysipelas with a wound of that kind; and it wouldbe--fatal. Has Dr Mackay said anything definite? Tell me--please. Imust know the truth."
In the urgency of the moment she laid a light hand upon him; andWyndham, bracing the muscles of his arm, tried not to be aware of herfinger-tips through his coat-sleeve.
"You evidently know too much for your own peace of mind," he said."But Mackay is as inscrutable as the Sphinx. One could see he wasanxious, because he was ready to snap one's head off on the leastprovocation; but beyond that I know no more than you do. We can onlydo our poor utmost for him every hour, you and I, and leave theoutcome--to God."
"Yes, yes,--you are right. Oh, Paul, what a rock you are at a bad timelike this!"
Unconsciously her fingers tightened upon his arm, and a thrill like acurrent of electricity passed through him. Lifting her hand from itsresting-place, he put it aside, gently but decisively.
"I may be a rock," he remarked with his slow smile, "but I also happento be--a man. Don't make our compact harder for me than you can help.Good-night again; and sleep soundly--for Theo's sake!"
Before she could find words in which to plead forgiveness, he hadalmost reached the study door; and she stood motionless, watching himgo, her face aflame with anger at her own unwitting thoughtlessness,and humiliation at the exquisite gentleness of his rebuke.
Surely there were few men on earth comparable to this man, whose heartand soul were hers for the taking. A cold fear came upon her lest inthe end she should be driven to retract her decision; to forego all,and endure all, rather than withhold from him a happiness he soabundantly deserved.
"_Why_ is it such a heart-breaking tangle?" she murmured, locking herhands together till the points of her sapphire ring cut into theflesh. But she only pressed the harder. She understood now how it wasthat monks and fanatics strove to ease the soul through torments ofthe flesh. A pang of physical pain would have been a positive reliefjust then. But there was none for her to bear. She was young,vigorous, radiantly alive. She had not so much as a headache after heranxious vigil. The high gods had willed that she should feel andsuffer to the full. There is no other pathway to the ultimate heights.
The soft closing of the study door sounded loud in the stillness; andshe went reluctantly into her own room.