PART 4
At Papa Edu’s compound
NNEKA
(Speaking to herself) Hmm… it’s now almost a week since we confronted papa. Nobody understands Henry again these days. Same thing with papa. Papa has become more taciturn than ever. We don’t even know what is going to happen next. Henry and papa are no longer on talking terms. Henry has sworn to deal with papa whatever that means. Mama and papa are just trying to tolerate each other.
I don’t know for Edu. He is now more of a recluse and so into his studies more serious than ever. Papa does not make jokes with me like he used to and I am not happy with that. Oh my Lord, I don’t know, I don’t know. In fact, the crisis we are in is deepening more and more as the days go by with no solution insight. I wish I didn’t start this whole thing because now things are terribly bad although I thought I was doing something good for the whole family!
(Someone knocks at the door.)
NNEKA
Who is it? Wait I am coming.
(She opens the door.)
NNEKA
Good afternoon madam.
IJEOMA
Good afternoon, I believe this is Mr. James Okafor’s house?
NNEKA
Yes. You are welcome. Please sit down.
IJEOMA
Thank you. Is Mr. Okafor in?
NNEKA
Yes, he’s resting inside. If you want, I will go and call him.
IJEOMA
Yes please do. Tell him that it is Mrs. Halima.
(Nneka disappears inside and she goes to speak with her mother.)
NNEKA
Mama come o! Mama where are you? Mama please come o! It has happened! She’s right here in our house!
MA CHIEMEKA
What is it Nneka? What do you mean? Who is in our house…?
NNEKA
Who else? Papa’s concubine of course! She’s sitting right inside our parlor. Ha! Mama it’s going down today! It’s going to happen today!
MA CHIEMEKA
Nneka please be serious for once. Who do you say is in our house?!
NNEKA
Mama why are you acting like this? Who do you think I am talking about? I said it’s papa’s girlfriend or new wife or whatever! And she’s sitting in our parlor right now!
MA CHIEMEKA
Are you sure?!
NNEKA
Of course I am very sure!
MA CHIEMEKA
Lord have mercy! Wonders shall never end. Nneka tell me what do I do now? I will very much like to go and wring her neck right now!
NNEKA
No mama, it is not done that way. We have to first of all know why she is here. She told me to go and call papa but I decided to inform you of her presence first. I hope you will handle this thing alright this time…?
MA CHIEMEKA
Shut up! Just go now and call your father!
NNEKA
Okay.
(Nneka leaves.)
MA CHIEMEKA
(Speaking to herself) Hmm! Children of nowadays are no longer afraid. Imagine this woman coming to my house. To my own house! She’s not even afraid! Such audacity! To do what now if I may ask! I wonder! Well let me wait for her lover to come out first before I go and finish off the two both of them. I can hardly wait to meet this woman who wants to spoil my home!
(Meanwhile Papa Edu enters the parlor to meet the visitor.)
PAPA EDU
Welcome my dear. Welcome to my home.
IJEOMA
Thank you sir!
NNEKA
Should I go and call mama?
PAPA EDU
(Gives her a quizzical look) What for? But all the same you can go and call her. In fact call Edu and that Henry too. I will like all of you to be present once again!
NNEKA
Okay off I go!
(Ma Chiemeka enters with Edu.)
EDU
Good afternoon papa.
PAPA EDU
Yes Edu, good afternoon.
EDU
Good afternoon madam.
IJEOMA
Good afternoon. How are you doing?
EDU
I’m fine, thank you.
IJEOMA
Good afternoon madam.
MA CHIEMEKA
Good afternoon.
EDU
Papa, Nneka said you are calling us.
PAPA EDU
Oh yes, I am. Where are the others?
(Nneka enters)
PAPA EDU
Nneka where is Henry?
NNEKA
Papa he said he is coming.
PAPA EDU
Okay I don’t think we will continue to wait for him to show up. I have some very important thing I want to… oh ho! Here he comes…
HENRY
Good day sir.
PAPA EDU
Good day, Sir. Please sir, we were waiting for you to finish whatever you were doing before we can start but thank God you have finally decided to come…
HENRY
Papa please stop! You should know that I am in the mood for any of your high jinks. I am not ready for that kind of thing. I can see you have a visitor so please if there is anything meaningful you want to say, why don’t you just start!
PAPA EDU
Alright Sir Henry the Great, since you have decided to accord me at least a little form of respect in front of my visitor, I appreciate that. Well like you said let us start by me introducing all of you to my visitor. Mrs. Halima, this is my wife Mama Chiemeka, these are my sons; the elder one is Henry, the other one is his junior brother Chinedu. This is my daughter Nneka. Well my people this is Mrs. Halima. She is one of our directors at the Head Office. I invited her to this house today. I believe there is something she wants to tell us all…
MA CHIEMEKA
Did you say your Head Office? So it is true, eh?
PAPA EDU
What is true?
MA CHIEMEKA
I mean your problems at the office. The story you told us. So finally it is true? So they have finally come after you… after us?
PAPA EDU
Well I believe Mrs. Halima is here for something else. Please let us hear her out first.
MA CHIEMEKA
Oho! She’s here for something else you say? Oh yes it has been long overdue since I have been waiting to hear from her so please madam you can start telling us how you plan to take over my husband—
NNEKA
Maama! This is not the time!
PAPA EDU
Please my dear, don’t be embarrassed by my wife’s outburst. She is under a huge emotional and psychological stress…
IJEOMA
(Sniggers) I understand.
MA CHIEMEKA
My God! What did she just say?! What do you understand? Of course I know you will understand. You will surely understand! What I don’t understand is what it is you really want from my husband…
NNEKA
Mama… I’m not with you on this…
HENRY
Nneka shut up! What do you know, you small girl?! Wait; let me give to her the rough side of my tongue! The fool! She thinks she can reap where she did not sow!
EDU
(Scoffs) What’s your problem? Mama, I keep on telling you, that’s the problem with you! Why have you all decided to embarrass yourselves in the presence of papa’s visitor? I can’t understand you people anymore. Please if you will agree to pipe down, I will really like to know what she really wants to say.
HENRY
Idiot! Playing the good son all the time, huh?!
PAPA EDU
(Cuts in) Please Ijeoma don’t be embarrassed by all these displays. This is just a normal family tiff though it has not always been like this…
MA CHIEMEKA
Ijeoma? Hia! So she’s no longer Mrs. Halima? Hmm! Papa Edu your own is finished! I pity you! Look at what you’ve done to yourself!
IJEOMA
Please it’s alright. I think I understand what is going on here but we wi
ll come to that when the times comes. Right now—
MA CHIEMEKA
(Cuts in) Excuse me. There’s something I still don’t get here! Papa Edu says when the right time comes; this lady here you call Halima or Ijeoma or whatever she calls herself says when the time comes. Okay it’s alright but I keep on wondering when will this right time ever come?
NNEKA
Mama, if only you will be able to control yourself, I think the right time has come. Please let us hear whatever she wants to say first…
PAPA EDU
I love that! Thank you Nneka. Ijeoma please let’s begin!
IJEOMA
Thank you sir. Thank you everybody. You see people, I am from our bank headquarters like your father said. I am aware of the problems that your father had at the bank but that is not the reason why I am here. So you all can relax because I am not here to enforce the grave punishment that your father has incurred at the office—
MA CHIEMEKA
(Cuts in) Then why are you here?!
PAPA EDU
Mama Chiemeka, now that’s enough! I say that’s enough, do you hear me?! Enough is enough! What’s your problem? I will not allow you to continue to embarrass our visitor. Why don’t you listen to what she has to say?
EDU
Mama what papa is saying is true.
HENRY
(Scoffs) A fool will never learn but in your own case Chinedu, you will learn someday only that by then I’m sure it will be a very bitter pill for you to swallow.
IJEOMA
So what I was saying is that I am here to tell you about somebody. I hope you have heard this name Mr. Ted Roberts?
MA CHIEMEKA
Mr. Ted Roberts! Is that not the same white criminal that fooled my husband at your bank?
IJEOMA
Exactly! He is the one but—
MA CHIEMEKA
(Cuts in) So has he been apprehended?
IJEOMA
Not in that sense, madam…
HENRY
So what has happened to him? Is he dead?
IJEOMA
Well a lot has happened to him. First I will like to correct your notion about the white man madam, he is not a criminal. He was just an ordinary businessman who was only seeking for what was good for him…
MA CHIEMEKA
At the expense of my husband and his family huh?
IJEOMA
No ma. Not really… in that sense.
MA CHIEMEKA
Then tell me, in what sense then?
IJEOMA
I am coming to that madam. You see, I have a letter here from Mr. Ted for your father.
NNEKA
A letter for papa? Hmm that is strange o! Hmm, I wonder what really happened to this Mr. Ted then?
IJEOMA
You see, what happened to him was that Mr. Ted Roberts was actually kidnapped by some faceless Niger-Delta militants hence his disappearance!
HENRY
What?!
IJEOMA
Yes. It was about a month after he was supposed to have started paying back the money borrowed that he fell into the hands of those terrible thugs when he travelled to Port Harcourt.
EDU
No wonder! That explains his sudden disappearance, his unavailability and inability to commence with the loan repayment which he took in papa’s name!
IJEOMA
Exactly!
NNEKA
So that is what happened?
HENRY
Okay but let me ask, how does this sudden reappearance of this Mr. Roberts solve the problem papa said he has?
MA CHIEMEKA
It should because from my own understanding, what it means is that we can now point a finger at the person, that’s the criminal who is responsible for the theft…
PAPA EDU
And who will that be woman? It seems you don’t understand what has happened.
MA CHIEMEKA
Please help explain to me because I can’t understand why the sudden reappearance of the fraudster will not signal the end of this whole sordid affair.
IJEOMA
Well the answers you seek are contained in this his letter. I was there with him when he wrote the whole thing. I will like your father to read out the letter to you all.
NNEKA
Wait Madam Halima, I don’t need to hear the content of the letter. What I want to know is whether my father has been set free or not!
IJEOMA
Of course your papa is free!
MA CHIEMEKA, NNEKA and EDU
Thank God!
HENRY
Hmm! Okay. Well, I guess that’s a great news to hear. Me, I thank God too!
PAPA EDU
Yes we should be thanking God. That is exactly what we should be doing!
IJEOMA
In the letter, Mr. Ted Roberts explained all that happened to him. He has personally asked me to help him express his gratitude to your father and the whole family too concerning the great stress and trouble his long absence definitely must have caused. He said he will never believe he was going to meet a Nigerian like your father again in his life.
MA CHIEMEKA
I hope he does not mean a foolish Nigerian like my husband…?
IJEOMA
No, not of course!
HENRY
So papa wait a minute, does this mean you will no longer be handing over those properties to the bank anymore?
PAPA EDU
Yes o! Henry. All our assets are now intact! No shaking!
NNEKA
Yes, Papa! I support you, yes o! Thank God! No shaking!
IJEOMA
Wait… the truth is that the time for celebrations will certainly come but right now we are still in the process of finalizing and tying up some certain loose ends in this whole business.
MA CHIEMEKA
God in heaven, I thank you. Let it be true o! Let my enemies be put to shame. Now talking about loose ends, I think Papa Edu you have to start by telling us who this woman you sometimes call Madam Halima and sometimes you call Ijeoma really is. Who is she to you and what does she stand to gain in this whole affair?
PAPA EDU
Women! I know you will definitely bring this up because I know your joy will never be complete until you tie that very loose end, right? Anyway, I will not help you out on this one. Why don’t you see if you can guess for yourself who she really is? Just take a very good look at her…
MA CHIEMEKA
Of course I have my very own interest and the interests of my children to protect so you don’t have to blame me if I sound so possessive. But come to think of it I don’t think I can guess who she is except you are ready to tell me that she is no longer who I thought she is…
NNEKA
Maama! Tufiakwa!
MAMA CHIEMEKA
Hey, will you shut up there, my friend! You, tufiakwa!
IJEOMA
This is really really funny sir. Who does she really think I am?
PAPA EDU
Please don’t just tell them now. I want them to conclude for themselves.
EDU
Papa please tell us. Who is she? I can’t recognize because to say the truth, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her before.
HENRY
Me too. Okay papa, please tell us.
PAPA EDU
Well I said you people should take a closer look at her and yet none of you could recognize her but that’s simply because you have prejudged her being even before getting to meet her. That is why it is so difficult for any of to see or recognize anything. Of course this madam Halima whom I also called Ijeoma is my daughter!
MA CHIEMEKA
What?! What did you just say papa Chiemeka?! She’s your what—?
PAPA EDU
I said she is my daughter. My own blood!
NNEKA
This is unbelievable!
HENRY
Yes this is quite unbelievable as well as shocking. Damn! Papa you really mean she
is your daughter? You mean you have another daughter and we never knew? Wow! This is quite unbelievable!
PAPA EDU
That is why I said you should look closely at her and you will see for yourselves.
MA CHIEMEKA
Wait a minute… Chi m o!21 It’s true o! There are some resemblances. I can see your jaw in her, her way of smiling too, yes, an even her eyes, I think, is similar to yours Papa Chiemeka!
EDU
But papa, is she not Hausa? I thought she’s Hausa. But she looks like a Hausa woman, am I wrong?!
PAPA EDU
Oh yes! Her mother is.
MA CHIEMEKA
Hmm… Papa Chiemeka, don’t tell me you have a Hausa wife all these years and nobody knew about her all this time…?
PAPA EDU
Of course nobody knew about her and I didn’t tell you because I had no reason to tell you. You see, besides your paternal grandparents and me, no one really knew about her existence. Knew of their existence… Besides, I didn’t actually marry her.
NNEKA
Hmm papa, I’m afraid I have to say it but it’s now that we are beginning to realize that really we don’t know you at all.
PAPA EDU
Of course you don’t but I am glad that Henry did, Henry of all people discovered that earlier than all of you when he said mentioned it and said I was manipulating all of you.
MA CHIEMEKA
But is that what you have really been doing Papa Chiemeka?
PAPA EDU
No. Not exactly in that sense, my dear.
HENRY
But papa, how did you discover her, I mean this madam—Ijeoma?
PAPA EDU
Or you should say how did she discover me? You see, I have never seen her before. I have never set my eyes on her before. I left her mother or rather her mother and I separated even before she was born and I’ve never seen her again since then…
NNEKA
Oh, that’s a pity.
IJEOMA
I agree with you. It was a pity growing up just having just the memories of your father from the brief recollection of him by your mother.
EDU
So auntie, how did you find out papa?
PAPA EDU
Chinedu, she is not your auntie. She is your sister!
IJEOMA
Leave him alone papa. You see some people call it destiny. Some call it fate, me I believed it will happen one day. And happen it did! I was right inside my office at our Head Office in Lagos one day when this photograph was brought to me. My colleague who brought it to me was making jest of the whole thing.
He was telling me that this is the picture of the scapegoat that the bank is going to use as a warning to those employees who undertake or embark on certain frivolous or shady deals by messing with other peoples’ money while at the same time bypassing all the laid down banking procedures, strictly for their own personal gains. He just brought the picture to show me how much he thought I shared some striking resemble with the man in the photo.
He laughed and said that the Igbo man in question has really bought it! One look at the picture and my world took another turn. All my life growing up as a Northerner, I never forgot for once that my mother told me that my father was an Igbo man. I didn’t tell people this so naturally most people, they thought I was just Hausa.
I have been dreaming and praying to meet my father but I was never lucky. So you can imagine my shock when I looked at that picture. I managed to conceal my surprise or rather expression from this my friend at the headquarters. I immediately made plans to take a leave and come down to Enugu all the way from Lagos to see things for myself hopefully. I also read the whole file concerning man and the deal that he was involved in.
I obtained your father’s contact number from the bank’s database; and on coming down here, I then called on him and arranged a meeting between us in a hotel. It’s strange but I had this personal conviction that if I was within a feet of my father, I will definitely know it is him. I wanted to find out if he will also know it is me likewise. I hope you will not take that my line of thinking as a childish one?
EDU
No, of course! I definitely understand. Nneka, is that not what you psychology people call telepathy?
NNEKA EDU
Shut up there! What do you know about telepathy? Please auntie… sorry auntie Ijeoma continue with your awesome tale. This whole thing is quite amazing and intriguing!
IJEOMA
(Chuckles) But he’s right. It’s called telepathy. Anyway as I was saying, so I came to down to Enugu. I started making enquiries. I was determined to see the end of this thing. When I met papa for the first time, I was so shocked. Even without being told, I knew he was my father. But frankly speaking, he was not like anything in my dream. I must say, when I met him, he was looking so downtrodden and finished that I immediately felt so sorry for him.
But I was very careful in dealing with him. The telepathy you talked about Chinedu never happened from Papa’s angle because I believe then he was totally weighed down by the calamity which he has brought upon his family all in the name of doing business and so I wasn’t so surprised that he never recognized me—or at least, my mother’s face in me!
But then, I still pressed on. I wanted to know what he was doing, who he was, what his past was like, if he has ever been to the North, if he was ever married to someone else before, I wanted to know if he could recall my mother’s name, there was so much I wanted to learn at once but I decided to take it piecemeal by piecemeal.
I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I knew I had to gain his trust for him to take me into his confidence. I told him I am from the bank and I have heard about his case. I told him I knew some people who could help him out if he cooperates. Now, I must add this; I also observed that papa was very faithful to his wife.
He never liked the idea of meeting a strange woman in the hotel but then he had no choice because he was desperately in need of a lifeline. But I needed to keep him to myself. And I didn’t want us to be disturbed. That was why I changed venue when the receptionist at the hotel where we normally meet told us that one young girl was making enquiries concerning us. I believe that must have been you, Nneka?
But anyway after some reluctance from your father, he finally opened up. He disclosed to me that he was at a time in love with one Hausa woman when he was living in the north. He said he wanted to marry her. No words can describe the joy I felt in my heart when he correctly mentioned her name.
But at some point, he became so wary and suspicious and even questioned my reasons for wanting to know all these but when I reminded him again that I represented the bank and I could help ease things up for him if he disclosed these things to me, well, I guess, he found it easier to carry on.
At a stage during our discussion, I think papa even asked me if I knew his old love and if I could help him locate her since he thought I was Hausa. He told me that he was not married to the girl although he would have done so if not for his father who insisted that he will have nothing to do with him again in this life if he succeeds in bringing a Hausa woman home as his wife.
By that time according to papa, the girl in question, that is my mother, was pregnant with me. Papa said it was also at this time that the Maitatsine religious riots of 1980 broke out in Kano and later spread to other areas in the North and many Easterners fled the North. So somehow he had to leave my mother.
When I was growing up, I could recall that my mother once told me that my father told her before he left her that if she eventually gives birth to a male child, she should name him Ifeanyichukwu which you know means with God everything is possible in Igbo. She told me he also said that if the child was a female, her name should be Ijeoma. So when I asked papa if he could remember the name of that child, he told me that the child’s name will be Ijeoma if she happens to be girl. I knew then that my search was over. I have finally found my father! The long hands of fate, you may say! Who would have believed that my f
ather and I were working under the same corporation?
They say that whatever happens in this life happens for a reason. As for me, I will say that whatever took Mr. Ted Roberts to meet papa on that fateful day was for my own good and nothing else. When I knew papa was ready for the great revelation, I told him who I was. By then, I think he must have sensed it because there was a way he reacted. You should have seen the way he cried when he asked after my mother.
MA CHIEMEKA
So how is your mother, my dear?
IJEOMA
Unfortunately mama, my mother died twenty four years ago when I was still ten. But I still bear the memory of all she told me concerning my father in my mind up till this day. I so much believe she must have loved him so much.
PAPA EDU
Of course she did. Five years later after the riots were over, I went back to Kano and tried to trace her back but I was not successful. She was living with her uncle then. I later heard from some reliable sources that when her uncle found out she was pregnant, he sent her packing. No one knew what happened to her afterwards.
When I see what you young people call or say about love today, oftentimes I just cringe. During our own time, I must tell you, what we have back then is not in any way comparable to what I see today or what you today university students’ idea of love looks like. What we had then was real, pure, selfless, and unadulterated unconditional love!
NNEKA
Wow Paapa! Looking at you now talking about love now, no one would believe you’ve ever fallen in love in your life before. No one, except maybe mama! Hmm… I will like to hear the story of how you two met someday!
PAPA EDU
You can say what you like. Even after I came back from the North, I swore never to get married again in this life to show you the extent of how much I loved and missed Nafisa. She was my first love. It became a very big problem between my parents and me. Till today, sometimes I still wonder how your mother got me!
MA CHIEMEKA
Foolish man! Who got you? Were you not the one that was always coming to the village stream to watch me under the pretext that you like the lonely and serene nature of the village stream? You think I never knew your sinister motive then? Please my daughter, don’t mind this man; continue with this your incredible story…
IJEOMA
So after I have revealed myself to papa, he wanted to tell you people about my existence but I decided against that. Time was running out fast and I was more interested in getting to the root of this Mr. Ted issue so I obtained all the information I needed from papa. I knew some top people in the police force who could get things done. Working with the information we gave them, they quickly tracked and located the whereabouts of Mr. Ted. It happened that his captors later released him after holding him in captive for more than two months when no foreign organization came forward to pay the ransom for his release.
EDU
So what would have happened if Mr. Ted was not found?
IJEOMA
Hmm, a lot could have happened. Tell them papa!
PAPA EDU
Well, you see, you all know that I rushed off to Benin. Actually I travelled with your sister Ijeoma to that Benin. We were there to collect back the papers that I have earlier on handed over to one estate dealer who was recommended to me by a friend. I have handed over those papers to him so that he could help me get a better deal on the prices of those my assets instead of leaving it in the hands of the bank who will of course value everything down leaving me in a huge debt.
EDU
So wait… papa you have even concluded the sale of this house and other things a long time ago?
PAPA EDU
Something like that! So you can begin now to imagine my deep anxiety when Henry said he was fighting to protect what he never knew was almost no longer there. Though it was also amusing, in a way, I must admit.
Anyway, I couldn’t predict him but you know of course, you cannot predict you youths of nowadays so that was why I had to act very fast. Who knows what could have happened if he decides to carry out his threat? I told your sister about this development. This your new sister right here was the one who pulled the necessary strings and helped me get back those papers and singlehandedly restored my dignity once more!
If you ask me, I’ll say this is nothing but the handiwork of the good Lord whom I serve! I wanted to tell you people that day that I came back from Benin but unfortunately you people have concluded on another issue. You were operating on a different plane different from the one I was in that night. So that was why I kept on telling you guys that that was not the right time.
NNEKA
But papa you should have at least told us any in case.
PAPA EDU
Oh yes, I should have but not when you people have concluded on whatever you have concluded. Imagine how shocking it was to me when I discovered that you people have even started having doubts whether I was really involved in any financial mishandling or not. I was so much confused and I never knew how to clear the air at that very moment! Not that you people would have given me the chance then! Chiemeka here, was really spoiling for a fight!
Apart from that, putting all of you in suspense was so amusing as well as exhilarating and the best part was watching Chiemeka expressing his angst and frustrations over nothing!
NNEKA
Haba Paapa! So you knew what you were doing all along?! It’s not fair!
MA CHIEMEKA
Didn’t I tell you you don’t know your father? This man, you just wait till you see all that he has in his bag of tricks!
EDU
Sorry Papa, what of the money borrowed from the bank? Has it been paid back?
IJEOMA
Everything! Everything has been paid back by Mr. Ted including the accrued interest…
MA CHIEMEKA
So where is this Mr. Ted right now? I would have loved to see him so that I could at least ask him for forgiveness. Hmm, I can’t believe this. So it turns out that Papa Chiemeka was actually a good judge of men? Well, what am I even saying? Of course I know he is! That was why I married him in the first place…
NNEKA
Hmm maama!
HENRY
So where is Mr. Ted now?
IJEOMA
Right now Mr. Ted is with his family in Annapolis, Maryland in the United States of America but he has some good news for papa. So why don’t you tell them papa?
PAPA EDU
(Hesitates) You know I would have loved it if you told them yourself but all the same, let me tell them myself. You see, the good news is that I have resigned from the bank!
MA CHIEMEKA, EDU, HENRY and NNEKA
You did what?!
PAPA EDU
Oh yes! I have resigned from the bank. I am no longer with them. My daughter Ijeoma tried to stop me but she couldn’t. You see, Mr. Ted Roberts has offered me a job as his company’s head representative here in Nigeria and I have accepted. The job comes with so many juicy side attractions that I could hardly resist. For example, Mr. Ted has given me control over those two vehicles he used as collateral, just for a start!
IJEOMA
Paapa, is that all? Why don’t you just tell them the whole truth?
PAPA EDU
(Chuckles) Wait, must I say everything?
IJEOMA
Yes.
PAPA EDU
Okay, I will. Also Mr. Ted has also told me to keep the ten percent we agreed initially agreed he would pay me for helping him out. He has equally handed over the check for this payment to me.
MA CHIEMEKA
And what is this ten percent? Chinedu?
EDU
Wow! That’s cool five million naira! Papa you are too much! I doff my cap for you!
NNEKA
This is unbelievable!
HENRY
Edu, did you just say five million naira?! Hey papa, I thought you told us previously that he was going to pay you around five hundred thousand naira? Haba, paapa! You
are really something else!
PAPA EDU
Shut up you small boy! What do you know? Don’t you know that the palm wine tapper does not reveal all that he see from the top of the palm tree?
MA CHIEMEKA
Hmm! Amen alleluia! Somebody tell me this is for real!
NNEKA
It is for real mama!
MA CHIEMEKA
So when are we going for our Thanksgiving mass? I will like it to be the upper Sunday after Easter Sunday so that all our Christian mothers can come and grace the occasion…
EDU
Hmm, Mama I bow for you! You are too much! You are too wonderful! Just now, now, now, you’ve planned on how to celebrate… hmm?
MA CHIEMEKA
Why shouldn’t I celebrate, tell me Chinedu, why shouldn’t I? Your father is now a confirmed millionaire! We are now millionaires! God has blessed us through this Mr. Ted Roberts! And on top of that, we now have another family member in the person of Ijeoma. And what a big addition that is! In fact we have everything now! God be praised!
IJEOMA
Please mama, there’s one more thing!
MA CHIEMEKA
What is it?! Just mention it and it will be granted immediately for you my dear daughter!
IJEOMA
Well, I will be returning to Lagos very soon as my leave is almost rounding up but I will like Henry, Edu and Nneka to come with me to Lag22, even if it is for just the weekend. I think we’ve got a lot of catching up to do.
MA CHIEMEKA
It is not only them. I am coming with you too.
NNEKA
No mama, you are not going anywhere! I suggest you should stay back. You should look after your husband after all you are no longer going to share him with any other woman. Let’s say you two should be planning on something like a great honeymoon where you can have him all to yourself and enjoy him all by yourself… ha ha ha!
MA CHIEMEKA
(Laughing) Idiot! You want me to stay back with who? With this old man? Please stop pulling my leg! What is there left in him to enjoy?
PAPA EDU
Alright! It is settled. They will be leaving with you Ijeoma. Why are we not even celebrating this very thing right now? What about the drinks, someone should go and arrange something like pammy for us. Henry?
EDU
Henry is it! He knows the best pammy joints in this Enugu!
HENRY
Idiot, wait let me get you first. But first I have something to say. Papa, I must begin now to tell you how sorry I am for what I have said to you in the past. You know, I said those things but it’s because I thought I was just protecting our family interest.
EDU
(Chuckles) Henry I take that as a plea for forgiveness to papa huh?! I thought you said you will never apologize?
HENRY
Idiot! What’s your business with what I am asking from papa? You should let papa respond. So papa please I repeat myself, on behalf of the whole family, I am very sorry for all I said about you and auntie Ijeoma and the things I did too to you...Nneka, I hope it’s not me that you are laughing at? Because if I get you… if I lay my hands on you, eh…
IJEOMA
Please go and arrange that pammy. You know I have never tasted that pammy although I have heard so much about it! I am only used to our Northern burukutu.23
HENRY
Wow! So you do drink alcohol at all? That’s good to hear because that shows it runs in the family and I’m not the only one! Anyway, off I go. Expect me to be bringing you the very best of pammy!
PAPA EDU
You better do. At least that is one thing you know how to do very well.
HENRY
Auntie Ijeoma, did you hear him? Did you hear what our father just said? There is something I am very good at besides protecting our family interest. I will be back very soon…
(Curtains fall)
THE END
List of Words as Commonly Used In Nigerian Parlance
Sef : A Nigerian exclamation used in speeches to show either contempt, indifference or lack of interest.
Egusi soup: Avery popular, favorite and delicious Nigerian soup made from melon seeds.
Akpu (origin Igbo): A very heavy and starchy food made from fermented cassava.
Haba :A Nigerian exclamation showing or expressing disbelief or impatience.
Na wa o! - A Nigerian expression showing surprise, amazement or even confusion.
Wahala: A Nigerian (origin Hausa) word for trouble or problem.
Igbo: A Nigerian slang for marijuana.
Pammy: A Nigerian slang for palm wine.
Biko: Nigerian (origin Igbo) word for please.
419: Advanced fee fraud.
Chineke (origin Igbo): Literally translates to God of Creation but mostly used in exclamatory expressions to show surprise, disbelief and wonder.
Mugu: A Nigerian slang meaning a gullible person or a fool.
Jazz: A Nigerian slang for black magic or charms.
Oga: A Nigerian slang that means boss.
Yahoo (also referred to as yahooze): A Nigerian slang meaning internet scams. Yahoo boys are known as the internet scammers.
Dash: A free gift.
Nwa m: Igbo expression which means ‘my child’.
Tufiakwa! - An Igbo exclamation meaning either ‘Shame on you’ or ‘God forbid’ depending on the context where it is being used.
Naija: Nigerian slang for Nigeria.
Soludo: In reference to the Mr. Charles Soludo, a one-time governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria and an internationally acclaimed economist.
Chi m o! - An Igbo expression for showing surprise or shock. It literally translates to ‘My God!’
Lag: Nigerian slang for Lagos.
Burukutu: An alcoholic drink made from millet.
Other Titles by Emmy Boy
Ify(A Romantic Thriller) : A young man, who hardly believes in love, enters a bus, meets a pretty young lady, and has some thrilling, wonderful, exciting, and shocking experience that completely alters his whole life.
Getting Him To Stay: Understand him. Know what he wants from you. Make him to commit to you.
Funny Shady Bible Stories You Were Never Told: A funny compilation of some of the weirdest and funniest Bible stories you were never told.
About The Author
Emmy Boy is just your ordinary everyday easygoing and fun-loving Nigerian guy who thinks he sees humor everywhere and his compilation Funny Shady Bible You Were Never Told is his first major attempt in trying to heal the world with humor!
In his spare time, he fiddles with his favorite hobbies like computer programming, surfing the web, daydreaming and thinking big.
A staunch believer in the principles of live and let live, he is still single and searching—after all these years. Don’t let him know I told you this but he once confessed to me he really likes women who can whisper dirty things into his ears...
Can you imagine!
Anyway, you can connect with him to get a peep into his unconventional mind on his blog www.misyarn.com where he shares his crazy mind for free. He also claims he tries to make someone somewhere laugh out loud everyday with his insightful though bogus and hilarious stories on that same blog too.
You can also catch up with him, if you can, and possibly stalk him till kingdom come, if you so desire on:
Facebook: Facebook profile
Twitter: undertakerz
Email:
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