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“I’m thinking… I don’t know what I’m thinking…” I drift off as the therapist’s door swings open and she sticks her head out.
“Ella, I’m ready for you. ” Widening the doorway, she motions me in.
“I have to call you back,” I tell him. “I’m headed into the therapist’s office right now. ” I hang up before he can say anything, collect my bag from off the floor, and take a seat in front of the desk.
Anna sits down in her chair, selects a pen from the cup, and takes her notebook out of the desk drawer. Today, her pantsuit is this bland shade of brown and her hair is pinned back. She puts on her glasses and reads over last visit’s notes.
“That was Micha on the phone,” I explain before she can ask, because she’s going to. “And I just found out he moved here. ”
“Oh, I see. ” She drops the pen and notebook down on the desk, and scoots her chair forward. “By the way you sound, you’re not happy about this. ”
“I’m not sure what I am. ” I mull over my feelings. “On the one hand, it’s nice to have him close in case I need him, but I’m trying not to need him, so it could be bad that he’s close. Does that make sense?”
“It makes a lot of sense. ” She fans the pages of the notebook. “How long did you say you’ve known Micha?”
“Since forever. I mean, I can remember being four years old and being fascinated with how he sat out in the garage with his dad and worked on cars. Although, I was always too afraid to go over there and talk to him—he actually talked to me first. ” A laugh tickles in my throat. “Actually, he bribed me to climb over the fence first, with a juice box and a toy car. ”
“Why were you too afraid to talk to him?” she probes.
“I don’t know. I guess maybe I always felt like I was living in some alternate world that no one understood, not even him. ” I shrug, picking at my fingernails. “I still feel that way sometimes, like maybe I see things differently than most people. ”
She thrums her French-manicured nails on the desk. “I think you worry too much about how you think. ”
“But that’s kind of a given,” I say. “I’ve know this for a while, but what I still don’t understand is how to stop worrying. ”
“That’s because I don’t think you understand the original cause,” she states. “From what you’ve told me, Ella, your childhood was full of worry. ”
“I didn’t worry all the time,” I protest. “There were relaxing… moments and I lived my life the way I needed to in order to survive. If I didn’t worry, then no one would have paid the bills, made sure everyone ate, or had clean clothes. ”
“That’s not quite what I mean, but that is part of it. ” She removes a photo from the folder and lays it flat on the desk in front of me. “What do you see when you look at this?”
It’s a stock photo of a man, a woman, and little girl, all with the same blue eyes and platinum blond hair. “Umm… that you like to take the inserts from picture frames and keep them in your office. ”
“Ella, it’s not good to make jokes to hide your feelings,” she insists. “Just tell me what you see. ”
“I see a family, I guess. ”
“Do they look happy?”
I study the smiles on their faces. “They seem as happy as anyone else. ”
She edges it toward me and taps it with her finger. “Describe the picture to me. ”
It’s a strange request, but I do it anyway. “Well, the man’s got his arm wrapped around the woman’s shoulder and he looks like he loves her, although his smile’s a little bit too shiny, if you ask me. The woman’s carrying the little girl and they both look happy too. Although, I don’t get why they’re so damn happy. They’re just getting their damn picture taken. ”
She accidentally creases the corners of the photo when she puts it into her folder. “Did your mother or father ever hug you like that? Or do you remember being that happy when you were a kid?”
It’s like she’s asked me a pre-calculus question and my mind muddles at the complexity. “No, but that stuff’s not real. It’s fake, for show purposes to make people feel good when they look at the picture frame. ”
“No, Ella, it’s real. Happiness does exist,” she answers sadly. “Now, things aren’t always that way, but families should have their happy moments and children should get hugged and feel loved. ”
“I did—do—feel loved. ” I massage the sides of my temples, feeling as though a concrete block has been dropped onto my chest. “I’ve been hugged… a few times. ”
“A few times in the last twenty years?” she asks, stressing her point. “Because that doesn’t seem like a lot. ”
“I’ve been hugged plenty of times,” I say, offended. “Micha hugs me all the time. ”
“Again, we go back to Micha. Let’s exclude him from this conversation for a minute and focus on your family. ” She scribbles a few notes down in the notebook. “Did your parents ever hug you? Laugh with you? Take family trips?”
“We went to the zoo once when I was six, but my mom was bipolar and couldn’t do a lot with us. And my dad… well, he loved his Jack Daniels. ” I pause as anger simmers at the tip of my tongue. “What are you getting at?”
“I’m not trying to get at anything,” she responds kindly, clicking the cap back onto the pen. “I’m just trying to let you see your life. ”
“That it’s crazy—that I’m crazy? Because I already knew that, without the recap of my shitty life. ” My hands tremble and my palms sweat at harsh memories that make up my life. I begin to hyperventilate and my vision spots.
“Take a deep breath,” she instructs, waving her hand in front of her chest in a cleansing gesture and I obey. “Now, you’re not crazy, Ella. You’ve just had a rough life. ”
My brain pounds inside my skull. “Then what does this have to do with anxiety or depression or whatever it is you think’s wrong with me?”
“I think that sometimes you don’t think you deserve to have a good life—that you’re not a good person. That you don’t deserve to be loved. ” She shuts a folder, stacks it with a small pile, and overlaps her hands on top of the desk. “And I think that’s why you push people away and what’s causing a lot of the depression and anxiety. ”
I flop my head back against the wall. “I’m this way because my mom died and it was my fault. I’m this way because I know my head’s screwed up and I don’t want to drag anyone down with me. ”
“All those things you said aren’t true,” she says and I lift my head back up. “And our goal here is to get you to believe that. ”
We talk a little bit more about lighter stuff, like how my classes are going and what my plans are for Christmas. When my time’s up I go back to the apartment.
Lila’s not home from class yet and it’s quiet. I grab a Dr. Pepper from the fridge and take the phone out of my pocket, staring at the picture on the screensaver of Micha, Lila, Ethan, and me at the wedding.
“I look happy there,” I say determinedly and then I dial Micha’s number.
“You called back,” he answers after two rings. “Ethan owes me twenty bucks. ”
I chew on my thumbnail. “He bet I wasn’t going to call you back?”
“He bet you’d blow me off. ” He lets out his fake evil laugh. “That the Stepford Wife Ella had returned. ”
“Nope, no Stepford Wife Ella here. ” I tap the top of my soda and flip the tab open. “Only a confused one. ”
He stops laughing. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, not really. ” I sigh exhaustedly and swallow a sip of the soda.
He gives a lengthened pause. “Ella, friends can talk to each other about stuff they’re going through. ”
“I know that. ” I set the soda on the counter and plop down into a barstool. “But I just spent the last hour talking to my therapist about it and I’d rather take a break from my own head, if that makes any s
ense. ”
“It makes perfect sense. ” He hesitates momentarily, like he’s deciding if he dares say something. “You should come over and see our new place. It’s just a bunch of boxes right now, but we could go out to dinner or something. ”
“I don’t think—” I start.
He cuts me off hastily. “You can bring Lila too. ”
I swear the boy has too much insight into my head. “Alright, I’ll see if Lila’s up for it when she gets back from class. ”
“Don’t blow me off, Ella May. ” He pretends to be stern. “I mean it. I know where you live and I will hunt you down and punish you in the dirtiest ways. ”
“I’m not blowing you off. Jeez, relax, you weirdo,” I tease him back. “I’m sure Lila will want to, but I have to check. ”
“Good, I’ll see you in a bit. ” His voice portrays confidence. “Oh, you know what we should do?”
I spin the can of soda around on the counter, wary to answer. “What?”
“We should have a naked party. ” Hilarity laces his voice. “And you can only come in the house if you take off all your clothes. It’ll be like the entry fee. Give me your pants and shirt and you’re allowed to come. ”
I frown, even though it sounds interesting. “No naked parties. ”
“Hey, I had to try,” he remarks in a tempting tone. “I’ll see you in a bit. ”
We hang up and I change into a pair of red corduroy shorts and a black tank top with a heart in the middle. I pull my hair up in a ponytail and put on some eyeliner and lip gloss, then wait on the couch for Lila to show up.
She walks in, waving at Parker, who is backing away from the door. “See you later, maybe. ” She shuts the door and sighs, leaning back against it. “God, he’s getting on my nerves. He won’t give it up. ”