The floor creaks, shifting under his weight …
I open my eyes and raise my head.
He’s gone.
I would think he was never here, if I couldn’t hear him rushing through the house, running from me and I feel frayed at my own edges, trying to understand what just happened, what I let happen. I drop Nell’s shirt and leave her room, hurrying down the stairs, not quietly, because if he’s here and he knows I am here, there’s no point in being quiet anymore. I reach the bottom of the stairs. The back door is open, leading to the backyard, the woods beyond it.
I move to it. I can taste the air, dry and stale, and I can hear the quick, sure sound it entering my lungs. I step through the door, take that first step outside and the world explodes into a beautiful black night sky with more stars than I’ve ever seen in my life. I watch them flash and sparkle before my eyes, brilliant bright and white and then red, before they begin to slowly disappear, until all that’s left is black. My skull feels like it’s coming apart, throbbing from the impact of some unknown force. He hit me, I realize vaguely …
And then: a pinprick of light, a single star reappears on the horizon to keep time with my heartbeat, pulsing faintly, alive. I want to reach for it, but I can’t move my arms. I fall through it instead, feel my body hit the ground. I’m on the ground, my head firing thought after thought that can’t seem to complete themselves and they all begin with Mattie …
And they never seem to end.
THE GIRLS
S1E6
WEST McCRAY:
When I finally get back to Cold Creek, Claire still hasn’t returned.
It’s been a few days.
MAY BETH FOSTER:
I called all the bars within twenty-five miles. Nobody’s seen her, I don’t know how much that’s worth. She’s got money here … maybe she’s on a bender in some dive I don’t know about and got somebody else to pick up the tab.
WEST McCRAY:
It’s easy to believe Claire would jeopardize her sobriety by returning to Cold Creek, but when she came back, she was motivated by her grief, not self-destruction. That grief should remind us Claire Southern is more than the sum of her failures. She’s not a perfect person—but she is a person. A mother.
I find her in the orchard where they recovered Mattie’s body.
[FOOTSTEPS, CARS IN DISTANCE]
WEST McCRAY:
Claire?
[LONG PAUSE]
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
You recording this?
WEST McCRAY:
If that’s okay with you.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
I was driving around … just driving the same roads, over and over. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. Wound up here a few hours ago and now it’s taking me forever to leave.
I just can’t seem to make myself do it.
WEST McCRAY:
I’m sorry for your loss.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
That’s the first time anyone ever said that to me.
WEST McCRAY:
I’m sorry about that too.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
It’s different when you think someone’s always going to be around. You think you got all the time in the world to make it right.
WEST McCRAY:
You thought you could make it right with Sadie?
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
I doubt I could have. It’s just a comfort, having the option.
You got kids?
WEST McCRAY:
Yeah.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
How many?
WEST McCRAY:
Just one.
A daughter.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
How old?
WEST McCRAY:
She’s five.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
That’s a good age.
WEST McCRAY:
Is it?
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Yeah. They’re really starting to be people at that age but they’re still clingy, like a baby. Sadie was—Sadie went through something like that.
WEST McCRAY:
That right?
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
She never remembered it. It’s probably amazing I do. But she went through this phase where she wanted me to tuck her in at night real bad, begged me to do it, so I’d go in her room and I’d run my hands through her hair ’til she fell asleep and this one time … she looks up at me and she says, you made me. And I—I said yeah. Yeah, baby I did.
WEST McCRAY:
You love your daughter.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
My daughter hates me.
And let me tell you something else about Sadie. She was clever. When she was seven, she was signing her own permission slips and, as she got older, Mattie’s too. May Beth would buy the gifts for Christmas, for birthdays, and Sadie would sign my name to the cards and Mattie, she never knew the difference.
You know something else? I was—I was in Harding’s Grove since I left. For the last three years. Harding’s Grove is about three hours away from Cold Creek.
WEST McCRAY [STUDIO]:
Of all the things I’ve learned since I started peeling back the layers of Sadie’s story, this seemed the most certain: Claire, tearing off into the night, heading for the City of Angels, abandoning Mattie and Sadie and sending one palm tree postcard back with a plaintive, “Be my good girl,” scrawled across its back for Mattie, and nothing, as usual, for her eldest daughter.
And Mattie, clinging to those words until they pushed her into the passenger’s side of a truck driven by the stranger who would go on to kill her.
If I’m being honest, the enormity of what Claire revealed to me in that orchard still hasn’t hit me yet:
She was never in L.A.
Sadie sent the postcard.
WEST McCRAY:
My God.
WEST McCRAY [STUDIO]:
Sadie’s circumstances often forced her to compensate. When Claire left, Sadie saw Mattie sink into a deep, unreachable depression and threw out one desperate lifeline—a postcard in her mother’s handwriting—and it worked. But it also became the crack between them, something their relationship would never get the chance to recover from. Because of that postcard—and though it’s by no means Sadie’s fault—Mattie ran away and was murdered … and Sadie has moved through every moment since her little sister’s death knowing that.
Does any part of her believe she’s responsible?
The weight of that guilt.
I can’t imagine it.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
I loved my mother. She never gave up on me. Loved me, no matter how bad I fucked up. And maybe that wasn’t the best thing for me, but God, when I think of her, I just think of that love. And when she died, it was gone. May Beth … she didn’t have anything for me. So I thought Sadie—I thought Sadie would. And we all know how that turned out.
It hurt, her hating me. I couldn’t stand it. I had to push her away, otherwise I’d want for her. And I’ve made my peace with that. And Mattie—Mattie was so much easier. And neither of ’em—neither of ’em deserved this.
WEST McCRAY:
We could still find Sadie.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
I might be far, far away when you do.
WEST McCRAY:
Claire …
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
What happened to Mattie is killing me and that’s all I’m willing to take.
WEST McCRAY:
I don’t think that’s how it works.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Well, that’s how I work. [PAUSE] You should be with your daughter. What the hell are you doing out here looking for mine?
WEST McCRAY:
Nobody else was.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
That’s not why.
WEST McCRAY:
Well … having a daughter of my own has made me—
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Don’t even finish that sentence.
WEST
McCRAY:
Claire—
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
You’re doing this because your daughter opened your eyes, is that it? Having a little girl makes you realize, what, there’s a whole big, bad, dirty world out there? So now you’re going to try to save mine from it and pat yourself on the back for leaving it a little cleaner than it was?
WEST McCRAY:
No.
[PAUSE]
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
I’m not an idiot, you know. I see the way you look at May Beth sometimes, when she’s talking, like we’re such poor little fools. You think you can take our pain, turn it into something for yourself. A show. A show …
I’ve been used by men my whole life, and you want the truth, I don’t think you’re going to be any different.
WEST McCRAY:
Claire, if you want the truth, I didn’t even want this story. And the more I have it, the less I want it because I don’t think it’s headed anywhere good. But I’m in this now, so I have to see it through.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Well, that makes me feel so much better.
WEST McCRAY:
I don’t know if I’m getting close with Sadie, but I’ve learned a few things. I need you to tell me about Keith.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Keith?
WEST McCRAY:
The guy Sadie’s looking for, the one she’s been calling Darren? We’ve figured out that Darren is actually Keith. What can you tell me about Keith?
WEST McCRAY [STUDIO]:
She asks if we can go back to the trailer, where May Beth is waiting. May Beth isn’t happy, but she takes one look at Claire and puts the kettle on.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
I need a drink.
MAY BETH FOSTER:
You can get right the hell out, you’re going to be doing that.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Jesus, May Beth, just because I want one, doesn’t mean I’m gonna have one.
WEST McCRAY:
Whenever you’re ready.
MAY BETH FOSTER:
Ready for what?
WEST McCRAY:
To talk about Keith.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Keith was a mistake.
MAY BETH FOSTER:
He did his best to help you and you threw it away, like you do everything.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Can she leave?
WEST McCRAY:
May Beth, if you can’t let Claire tell it the way she remembers it, I’m going to have to ask you to please give us some time alone.
MAY BETH FOSTER:
This is my house. Are you kidding me?
WEST McCRAY:
This isn’t about either of you. It’s about Sadie.
MAY BETH FOSTER:
Fine. Have the place, I don’t give a damn.
[DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING]
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Let’s get this over with.
WEST McCRAY:
Walk me through how Keith came into your life.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
I met him at the bar. Joel’s. I don’t remember it too well, but he followed me home like a … a sober puppy. He didn’t drink. He never drank, all the time I knew him.
WEST McCRAY:
So why was he even there?
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Exactly. He was looking for someone like me.
WEST McCRAY:
Tell me what you mean by that.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Lost, sick … I was sick with my addiction. He helped keep me sick. Always giving me money, making sure I got wasted …
He never asked me for anything. He just gave and gave and I was happy to take, so long as he was willing. He was trying to keep me out of it because …
WEST McCRAY:
Because why?
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Sadie hated him, you know.
WEST McCRAY:
May Beth mentioned that. She said Sadie felt threatened by Keith.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
She never liked anybody I brought home. You’ve got to understand, even if they were good men, she didn’t like them. They weren’t all bad.
WEST McCRAY:
Was Keith bad?
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
I ended up kicking him out.
WEST McCRAY:
Why?
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Something about the way he was with the girls. He was always … too interested, you know? Most guys, you tell ’em you have kids, and they don’t want nothing to do with you, so you gotta promise them they’re always gonna come first. Keith never wanted that.
I didn’t like the way he was looking at Mattie.
WEST McCRAY:
What does that mean?
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
It means just what I said.
WEST McCRAY:
Claire?
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
I found—I found him in her room one night. The last night.
WEST McCRAY:
Doing what?
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Nothing, no, I don’t know …
It was wrong. Soon as I saw it, I knew it was wrong. He had no reason to be in there. None. And sometimes, when I think about it, I think his pants were undone but I was … I was wasted, I don’t know. I had him out of the house that night, and the next morning Mattie was up and asking where Keith was … and every time after his name came up, she was fine, so I don’t think—I think I must have got there in time.
WEST McCRAY [STUDIO]:
Claire is a hard woman to pin down by voice alone. She relates these things in a flat, distant way, as if to keep herself separate from them. You have to look at the way she shrinks in on herself with each word that passes her lips. The way she fidgets with her cigarettes, but can’t quite make herself light up. Her hands shake. This upsets her deeply.
WEST McCRAY:
Claire, I have to ask you something else.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Don’t.
WEST McCRAY:
Did Sadie ever tell you—
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Don’t.
I don’t know.
WEST McCRAY:
Did Keith abuse Sadie?
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
[CRYING] I don’t know.
WEST McCRAY [STUDIO]:
It’s clear Sadie had unfinished business with Keith. Was it that? Or did he succeed in hurting Mattie? Claire may have saved her daughter for one night, but Keith lived with them for a year.
MAY BETH FOSTER:
I just can’t believe … I can’t believe what you’re saying about him.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
It’s the truth.
MAY BETH FOSTER:
Sadie must’ve told me every time she saw me how much she hated him. I didn’t listen. I thought she was being a kid but … she was never a kid.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Don’t start with me, May Beth.
MAY BETH FOSTER:
I’m not, Claire. Thank God … thank God you stopped him.
WEST McCRAY:
It sounds like Sadie was looking for Keith because she had something to settle.
MAY BETH FOSTER:
I don’t know why she’d go after him now, after all this time.
WEST McCRAY:
There’s something else. Keith was in a relationship with a woman whose brother was recently arrested for a sexually abusing children. He was arrested because of Sadie. I’ll walk you through that later, but without Sadie, it’s safe to assume he’d still be preying on children. I don’t know the extent of that man’s ties to Keith, but from what Claire’s telling me, it seems they have this predilection in common.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
Well, what’s the sister got to say about it?
WEST McCRAY:
She refuses to talk to me.
CLAIRE SOUTHERN:
That’s confirmation enough, isn’t
it. [PAUSES] Did Sadie really get him arrested?
[PHONE RINGING]
WEST McCRAY:
Sorry. I have to take this. West McCray here.
JOE PERKINS [PHONE]:
Hey, it’s Joe Perkins from the Bluebird. I’m awfully sorry to be calling you so late, but you told me to get in touch if there was anything else …
WEST McCRAY [PHONE]:
It’s fine, Joe. What have you got for me?
JOE PERKINS [PHONE]:
I was talking to one of the boys used to work at the motel … I let him go, soon as I made the sale. Ellis Jacobs. Anyway, I mentioned how you’d come along, asking questions and he says you need to get down here, soon as you can, and listen to what he’s got to say. It’s about your girl.
THE GIRLS
EPISODE 7
[THE GIRLS THEME]
ANNOUNCER:
The Girls is brought to you by Macmillan Publishers.
WEST McCRAY:
Ellis Jacobs is a twenty-five-year-old white male, but his boyish face suggests he’s five years younger than that. He’s had a rough life and he’ll be the first to tell you about it. He was kicked out of his house when he was seventeen. He insists it wasn’t because he was a bad kid. His mother’s boyfriend at the time just wasn’t a fan.
ELLIS JACOBS:
They might be married now, for all I know. He was an abusive prick and he beat the shit out of me and that’s the way it goes sometimes, I guess.