Chapter 23. A Debate about Choices
Wyverns are poisonous. Curiously, first exposure causes only mild illness, while a second bite is nearly always fatal. A few old stories make reference to an antidote, but if such ever existed, its source has been carefully expunged from all records by the wyverns and their servants.
—Gwain, The Truth About Wyverns
Gerard left a quarter watch later. He had been wanting some time alone with Alsair, and this seemed as good an opportunity as any. Before he left, he took stock of his meager followers. Apparently, the oldest of his wardens had been swept overboard in the storm. No one was sure how or when. Three shelts from the Fang had vanished, two of them experienced sailors, so the loss of his ancient warden was no surprise, but it did make Gerard feel guilty.
I should never have brought them. Silveo was right; I should retire them all. The drunk was turning out to be a very unsatisfactory sailor, and the youngster was hurt so badly that he wouldn’t be able to use his arm for a red month. Marlo, on the other hand, appeared to be thriving. He had no expertise on ships, but he had learned quickly and he was amiable enough to make the sailors like him. Gerard intended to make him his permanent secretary as soon as he had anything worth keeping track of.
Alsair said very little as they left the ship. He was wearing a light harness that Gerard had made out of rope. When they passed the little knoll that was Malabar-3, Gerard told him to stop. Alsair circled reluctantly. “Why? There’s nothing down there.”
“I want to talk to you.” I don’t want anyone else around, and I want to be able to look you in the face.
“I shouldn’t have done it,” said Alsair. “I won’t do it again. Can we forget about it?”
“No,” said Gerard. “Please land.”
Sea grass was whipping in the salt breeze. Fluffy clouds raced overhead. It was a day like Gerard remembered from his childhood—the kind of day he’d spent exploring these little islands with Alsair. Gerard got down and walked around in front of the griffin. “Alsair, how could you?”
Alsair met his eyes with a hint of defiance. He didn’t look sorry, only sullen. “How could I catch a street brat? Easier than catching rabbits, actually.”
Gerard couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “He was a child, Alsair!”
“Things like that turn into things like him, Gerard.”
“Only when they have encounters with things like you!” Gerard fairly bellowed.
“I wish I’d saved the tail,” said Alsair nastily.
Gerard cuffed his ear. “Are you even listening to me? I find your behavior horrific and unacceptable!”
“I’m not an extension of you!” shot Alsair. He was actually bristling now and nearly screaming. “I’m not bound by your honor, Gerard!”
Gerard stepped back. “I should never have brought you from Holovarus. I wonder if father would take you back.”
“Silveo is still saying he intends to kill you, isn’t he?” snarled Alsair. “Has he retracted that threat? Tell me he has, Gerard, and I’ll take back everything I just said. I’ll apologize in public.”
Gerard said nothing.
“No,” said Alsair, “he hasn’t. He’s told you over and over again that he’s going to stab you in the back. If you don’t believe me, believe him! I have never scrupled to kill for you, Gerard, but I will not stand by and watch you die. Please—” His voice broke. “You are too trusting. You and Thessalyn both—you think any shelt can be made into a friend and ally. It’s just not true.”
Gerard shut his eyes. “Alsair—”
“I won’t go back to Holovarus! I belong with you, Gerard. I belong to you. Either forgive me or kill me. You’ll never stop me from following you, and I won’t stop trying to protect you.”
Gerard could feel tears stinging his eyes. He pulled Alsair towards him and cradled the griffin’s head in his arms. What am I going to do with you? “I forgive you. I already forgave you. It’s just—” He was not satisfied, but he didn’t know what else to say. They stood like that for a long time, and Gerard thought of all the days that he’d spent on these islands with this friend. He and I were closer than Jaleel and I ever could be.
At last, he let go. “Will you trust me enough to let me make my own decisions? Unless you see me in actual physical danger?”
“I’ll try,” whispered Alsair. They lay in the sea grass for a while and watched the clouds. Then they flew on to Malabar.
Silveo had not overstated the damage to the Fang. They were limping so badly that it took three days to make what should have been a half day journey to Holovarus. Thessalyn sat on deck every evening and played her harp in the sweet, clear air, and they feasted on indigo duck and jackfruit and plum wine from the Small Kingdoms.
Gerard could not tell what Thessalyn thought about returning to the place where she’d lost a baby. She was quiet, and he did not press. Gerard wondered what would happen if Thessalyn herself begged Silveo not to go to Holovarus. He almost asked her to, but decided it wasn’t his business. Silveo talked to Thessalyn often during meals and in the afternoons. If she wanted to ask him such a thing, she would do it on her own.
Gerard didn’t know whether Silveo and Farell had had a fight or whether Silveo had just gotten bored, but he’d clearly taken up with one of the ship’s boys. Gerard came in on the morning of the third day after the storm to discuss navigation of the reef around Holovarus and caught the youngster slinking out.
Silveo came out of his bedroom yawning, still in his nightshirt. “Is he flavor of the month?” asked Gerard as the door closed behind the boy.
“Mm-hm.”
Gerard frowned.
Silveo opened his coat closet—a huge affair intended to hold much more than coats. He went in and started to get dressed. “Did you have a point, or were you just making noise to hear yourself echo?”
Gerard was lost for words. “He doesn’t have a choice. Doesn’t that bother you?”
Silveo made an indignant huff. “Have you noticed I’m a foxling? You think he can’t fend me off?”
“You’re his admiral,” said Gerard. “He’s got to be all of fourteen, Silveo.”
Silveo stuck his head out of the closet abruptly. “And I was all of six,” he spat. Gerard realized he’d inadvertently crossed a line. Silveo stalked out of the closet glaring. “He’s old enough to say yes, and I’m not hurting him. Besides, you seem to be suffering from your perennial illusion that I’m a nice person. I’m not! Now get over there and draw me some reef lines.”
Gerard obeyed. Silveo still seemed miffed. “How old was Thessalyn the first time you ‘got lost’ on a walk, oh honorable one? How much choice do you think she had? You were her boss’s eldest! You were her prince!”
Seventeen, thought Gerard. She was seventeen, but that was different. I actually cared about her. I gave up everything for her. “I love Thess,” said Gerard aloud. “She’s my friend. I think to you, sex and friendship are mutually exclusive.”
Silveo’s ears flicked back. “Wyverns preserve us,” he said with as much sarcasm as he could cram into a sentence. “I’m all upside-down and backwards. Poor Silveo. Are you volunteering to fix me, Gerard? No? Then shut up; I’m tired of this conversation.”
Gerard mentioned the episode to Thessalyn that night.
She nodded. “I don’t think sex means anything at all to Silveo.”
“Well, that’s obvious,” muttered Gerard.
Thessalyn shook her head. “Not in the way you think. I mean that to him, sex is just the price he has to pay for…I’m not sure—comfort, security, reassurance. Silveo wants more than anything to feel safe, and he never feels safe, Gerard. I think the closest he comes is when he’s with us.”
That made Gerard laugh. “Thess, you see good in everyone, even when it’s not there.”
“Not true. I just think it’s never too late for anyone.”
“Doesn’t it bother you that he’s cruel to all kinds of shelts?”
“
Cruelty always bothers me, Gerard. Pain always bothers me. I fix it whenever I can reach it.”
He stroked her head. “You’re better at picking your battles than I am.”
“Comes of being blind and female,” she said.
That made him think of something else. “Thess, did you feel like you had a choice when you made love to me the first time? Or when you married me?”
“Hmmm.” He could feel her frown against his neck. “Did I have a choice? I suppose it would be easier to answer that question if I hadn’t been madly in love with you.”
Her response didn’t make Gerard feel any better. It occurred to him that Silveo and Thessalyn had both grown up in the lower echelons of society—a place that was foreign to him.
Thessalyn broke into his thoughts. “Silveo doesn’t think anyone has any real choices—or not many, at least. He thinks maybe shelts like you have a few choices, although he’s skeptical.”
“But you don’t think that, do you?” persisted Gerard. “I mean, I didn’t make you feel that way…did I?”
“You make me feel alive,” said Thessalyn, hugging him tight. “You make me feel like I can fly, like I can see, like I can walk on water. Please don’t be sorry for loving me, Gerard.”