“It’s me! Tim!”
I smiled like a loon, wondering what in the hell made him think I didn’t already know that. “Yeah! I got that!”
“You need to get out of there!”
“No shit, Sherlock.” I crawled forward, feeling my way along the ground while trying to avoid having the worst of the rocks jab into my knees and shins. Every crunch and slide through the dirt made me cringe. The dragon was right there next to me, sleeping but probably not deeply enough. Every few seconds, a huff of hot air came out of his nostrils along with a curl of smoke.
“Are you still pixelated?”
“No, no thanks to you, butthead.” I was almost to the dragon’s face, so I clamped my mouth shut and held my breath. Getting up into a crouched position, I was able to move faster, tiptoeing as gingerly as possible over the ground just in front of the dragon’s sleeping head.
“Hey! That’s called a rescue from certain death, so you’re welcome. You can give me a foot massage thank you later.” Tim had a special little device that looked like a mini hairbrush that his wife tapped on the bottom of his feet at night before bed. He said it was pure reflexology, designed to make him relax. I wouldn’t have been one bit surprised to find him harboring that thing in his fanny pack. Pffft. The day I give a pixie a foot rub is the day I’m smoking a cig after a bout of hot dragon sex. I shuddered, the very image of that jumping right into my brain in full technicolor. Holy giant dragon junk. Yikes, I need to get out of here.
When I got to the ledge, I looked down. Tim was hovering in the air just below me. I lifted my eyes to the space beyond. It was impossibly huge, impossibly far down, and impossible to cross when not being held in the claws of a dragon. The pile of coins and other crap went almost up to the edge of the ledge, but I knew if I tried to climb down on them, they’d turn into an avalanche of metal and cover me in seconds; I’d die under their weight. I was completely and totally screwed.
“Just go, Tim,” I said, feeling sadder than I could ever remember feeling. Not only was I stuck in a realm where I didn’t belong, I was locked inside a dark cave with a dragon who had a crush on me.
Tim flew up even with my face, his expression confused.
My hands went up to my hips. “What?”
He didn’t say anything. He just stared at my forehead.
“What are you looking at?”
He started to smile. “I’m looking at your new hairstyle, actually. It suits you.”
My eyes rolled up in an effort to see what he was talking about. “What new hairstyle?”
He waved his hands around. “Oh, never mind. Let’s talk about how we’re going to get you out of here.”
The idea that Tim would try to distract me from something he found amusing about my appearance made me instantly suspicious. I reached up to feel my hair, expecting to find a giant knot or something equally ugly, but when my hand first touched nothing, and then touched something prickery, I yanked it back. “What in the hell…?”
I touched it again. Where I used to have bangs, I had nothing — just stubble about an inch long. “What happened to my hair?!” My voice echoed out into the big chamber, and the dragon huffed out a big puff of smoke and moved in response.
“Jayne! Shhhh!” Tim hissed. “You’ll wake him up!”
I gritted my teeth together and slowly turned, expecting to see a giant eyeball bearing down on me. But the beast remained asleep, and for the moment, I still had time to contemplate my doom in peace.
“You have to go, Tim. If he sees you here, he’ll fry your butt.”
“Why can’t you just leave?” he asked, sounding desperate. “You’re not pixelated anymore. You can clearly see this isn’t your home.”
My eyes were practically bugging out of my head with the effort of not yelling my response. “Yeah! You think I don’t know that!” My hissing voice echoed all over the place, making it sound like there was steam escaping a pipe somewhere. “But he’s decided that I’m Biad, and Biad is his mate!”
Tim’s head backed up. “Say what?”
“Yeah! You heard me right! I’m his girlfriend now or his wife or whatever, so he says I have to stay forever.” I folded my arms across my chest.
Tim looked up at my head again. “Wow. Who would’ve thought that this was the hairstyle it took to reel in a big fish like that.”
“Stop fucking around, Tim! This is serious!”
“I know. How is that going to work exactly? I mean … the proportions…” He looked down at my nether regions and shuddered.
I dropped my face into my hands. “Please let’s not talk about dragon junk right now. I can’t take it.”
He was up on my shoulder in no time. “Okay, roomie. No dragon junk talk. Let’s talk escape plan. How about that?”
I took a deep breath and lifted my head, feeling strangely calm. “That would be awesome. Let’s dream about that. How about … I grow some wings and fly away?”
“Orrrr … you could slide down that rainbow right there and meet me at the bottom.” He flew out in front of me and pointed to the heap of coins that ended near my feet.
“Excellent idea, so long as you don’t mind me be squashed under a ton of gold at the bottom.”
“Hmmm … you might have a point. How about this…” He flew off and came back very slowly and with great effort, holding onto a silver tray, dragging it up the pile of coins.
I cringed as each inch of progress was met with the sound of several coins falling loose and sliding down the pile. A glance back at the dragon told me he was a heavy sleeper, but I had no idea how long that was going to last. I laid down on my stomach and reached over the ledge, grabbing the tray as soon as it was close enough.
Tim’s flight path after I grabbed it wasn’t exactly straight. He practically fell over my shoulder onto his stomach and lay there gasping for air for a while. I worked on getting the tray up on the ledge as quietly as possible while he recovered from his rescue mission. When it was secure, I got up from my stomach and sat with my legs crossed, looking out over the treasure. “Okay, so now I have a silver platter. I can offer the dragon my virginity on it. Sweet, idea, Tim. Thanks for that extra bit of awfulness.”
Tim got up with the help of a clump of my hair. He leaned on my ear while he talked. “First of all, how many virginities is one girl allowed to have? And second, this is not for offering anything. This is your surfboard.”
I stared at the platter for a few seconds as my brain computed what he’d said. I choked out a semi-laugh. “You actually think I’m going to stand on this thing that’s just barely big enough to fit my two feet on, so I can slide down this pile of coins? Now I know you’re insane.”
“No, dummy, you’re supposed to sit on it, hold onto those handy-dandy handles there, and slide down on your big fat butt.”
“Where are my feet supposed to go?”
“I don’t know! Out to the sides! Tucked under! Do what you think is best, but do it soon, because I think sleeping beauty over there is going to wake up any second, and we need to get everyone out of here.”
“Everyone? What do you mean, everyone?”
He snorted. “You didn’t think you’d run off into the forest and your friends wouldn’t come looking for you, did you?”
I tried to remember what I’d been thinking over the past few hours, but I couldn’t bring a damn thing to mind. “I don’t know. Why did I leave them in the first place?”
“It’s a long story that I will really enjoy telling you another time. Just not now. Come on. Put your big butt on that thing and let’s ride.”
“But what if I get buried in gold coins and die under the weight?”
“And what if your dragon boyfriend wakes up and tells you it’s time to do the nasty?”
I nodded. “You’re right. Lesser of two evils wins.”
“Yeah. Ixnay on the agon-dray unk-jay, that’s what I always say.” Tim flew in front of me as I positioned the tray on the edge of the ledge. “Okay, roomie, now fir
st, before you go, I think you should put one of your amaza-bubbles around you just to be sure. Make it a bouncy one.”
“Okay.” I nodded, pulling some of the Earth element into me. When I noticed more than a tiny bit of it made the dragon twitch, I eased off until there was just a hint. Apparently it wasn’t just pixies who felt The Green in their wings. “Done.”
“Second, tell me out loud that if you die, I can stay in your suite of rooms with my family for as long as we live.”
I frowned. “Why do I have to say that out loud?”
He held up something tiny in his hand. “Recording device. For posterity. In case any of those jealous wannabe pixies back at the compound think they can move in on my territory when you’re gone.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “You’ve thought of everything.”
“I’m a Sagittarius, Jayne. Comes with the territory.”
“Fine. I, Jayne, Mother of all fae and Earth and Water elemental, hereby say that Tim and his family can stay in my pad for as long as they all shall live.”
He grinned, looking surprised. “Well done, Elemental.”
I reached out to push him away. “Move. I don’t want to pixie splat you.”
“I’ll be right here with you,” he said, taking a position on my shoulder.
“Awesome.” It made me feel just a little better about not dying. At least I wouldn’t go down without a witness to my fate, anyway.
“Unless you start to biff, then I’m outta here.”
I laughed. “Of course you are.”
“You ready?” he asked after I’d settled my butt onto the too-small platter and took up the handles.
“As ready as I’m ever going to be, I guess.”
He patted me on the head and took a clump of hair in hand. “Well, giddyup, then, Donkeh! We’ve got a wave to ride! Woo hoo!”
I shook my head as I used my feet to drag the tray closer and closer to the edge. “You seriously need to work on your rallying cry.”
“Fine, you don’t like Donkeh? How about … Hang ten! Bust a nut! Ride that bull, cowgirl!”
“Oh, God,” I said, the tray teetering on the edge. “Here we goooo!” I tried not to scream on my way down. I really did.
Chapter Thirty-Four
THE FIRST PART OF THE slope was really steep, and there was no way I could keep my mouth shut. “Aaaaayyeeeeeee!” Coins went flying everywhere — off to the sides, up onto my legs, several of them hitting me in the face, chest, and head.
As I got to the center of the pile where the curve moved more parallel with the ground, I slowed, but then larger items of treasure tried to jump on my bandwagon. First a bowl of some sort hit my kneecap and then a big, heavy cup leaped up after being banged by my foot, hitting me right in the chin.
“Oooph!” My head snapped back and the thing landed in my lap. “Holy shit, that hurt.” As my surfing tray reached a spot that was fairly level, it slowed. I took that moment to use my tongue to feel around in my mouth. One of my front teeth was loosened from the impact of the damn cup.
The sound of a thousand metal things clanking around slowly finished out as my silver surfboard came to a stop in the midst of a bunch of furniture. I rolled off the side of it, my body too battered and bruised to do any better than that. The cup that had been in my lap came with me, rolling until it landed just next to my face. I was on my stomach looking at its strange green surface when the dragon woke up.
A blast of fire rose up from above the ledge.
“Uh-oh,” I whispered, my bladder threatening to let go.
Tim was suddenly there next to my face, his hands cupped over his nuts. “We’re doomed!” he squeaked out, staring up at the dragon’s ledge.
“What did you expect?” I hissed at him. “You told me to slide down a noisy coin slope on a metal platter!”
“Hey! That was a good rescue plan and you know it! And it would have worked if you’d kept your big mouth shut and not screamed the entire way down!”
He had a point. “Okay, fine. What do I do now?” The edge of a dragon wing and the tip of its tail appeared at the ledge.
“Run.”
“Run?” I looked behind me as he flew off and left me lying there.
“Yeah! Meet you outside! Bottom of the mountain!” I heard his tiny voice echoing through the corridor behind me. “Run, everyone! The dragon’s awake! Run! Don’t just stand there looking at me! Go! Go! Go!”
I prayed my friends noticed the panic on Tim’s face and just ran away without being able to hear him, because there was no way to stop this freight train from going down this track. The dragon’s head was now peering over the edge of the ledge, and his eyes were busy scanning his treasure.
I couldn’t decide what to do. Should I just wait for him to complete his scan, hoping he’d miss me and fly off, giving me a chance to sneak out? How well could dragons smell a scent? Were they like bloodhounds or birds? Could he see even the slightest movement like an eagle? My horrible lack of dragon knowledge was a serious hindrance to me coming up with a decent escape plan. It made me wish I’d attended some sort of training program with Ishmail. If I ever saw him again, I was going to recommend he start doing that — training idiots who were going to come into contact with these beasts.
The dragon spouted off another round of fire, and this time, I was looking at that stupid cup that had hitched a ride on my surf platter. It glowed red for a few seconds and then quit when the flame stopped and went back to green. When it was lit from within like that, I saw the relief of a man carved on the side of it, and he had vines wrapped around his neck that were definitely not there to give him a hug; they were strangling him. It struck me as completely familiar to my own life, how the vines I communicated with through the Earth element had been there to both hinder and help my enemies and friends. I reached out slowly and took the treasure, pulling it toward me. You’re coming with me, cup. Hopefully the dragon didn’t do inventory and wouldn’t miss this tiny thing. It was no bigger than the lump of crud under his talons, so I doubted he’d mind.
“Biad!”
His deep voice resonated in my bones. I wasn’t entirely sure it wasn’t just an echo, either. I really felt like he was inside me somehow. Oh, shit. Did I have sex with a dragon while I was sleeping?! Are we like, One, now? Spike’s going to be pissed.
“Come to me, Biad.” It was like Darth Vader talking or something. There was no way to deny him.
I sighed really deeply. It wasn’t like I felt compelled to answer him, the way I did it to people in my dreams. Nothing was pulling me to him or making me think I’d better listen. It was just that the scale in the palm of my hand started to glow, and the eyeball was there again, and it looked so sad. I got the distinct impression that if I walked away, I would be causing irreparable harm to the dragon who I’d sworn to be a companion to.
Goddammit, this is confusing. I got to my feet and held up my glowing hand. “I’m over here.” I had the cup behind my back. “Fell off the ledge while I was sleeping.”
The dragon leaped from the ledge and soared down to where I was, landing on a giant, ornate horse carriage to my left. It started to sag under his weight. “You tried to leave me,” he rumbled.
“Well, I’m here, aren’t I? I could’ve stayed hidden, but I didn’t.”
“You cannot hide from me. We are bound.”
That made me kind of mad. “Did you have dragon sex with me? Because if you did, I’m going to be pissed. I don’t know how it works in Dragon Town, but where I come from, you ask and you get a yes before you proceed to the deed.”
“We slept together. We shared a dream. We are bound.”
I had to think about that for a minute. We dreamed together? Did that happen? A hazy memory started to come back.
The dragon reached out when I was distracted and took me into his big claw, but he didn’t hurt me. As we made contact and I was brought up to his head, visions assailed my mind.
Dammit. I did dream when I was sleeping. I dr
eamed of … clouds. Of clouds and rainbows and warm air billowing out around me. I was flying, and I was doing it from the back of a dragon.
“Oh, shiiit.” I think I did have dragon sex.
Othello placed me on his head, between the two big horns that were there, both of them about as big around as a decent-sized log and curved toward his back. I held onto one with my hand and gripped the cup with the other.
“Hold onto me. We will fly.” He started walking out of the big chamber and into the hallway Tim had disappeared through. The stagecoach he was standing on cracked and fell apart when he left it, but it just felt like a gentle bump in the road to me. Dragons are awesome shock absorbers.
“I, uh, can’t.”
He stopped, his eyeball rolling up to look at me.
I held out the cup. “I want to keep this with me, and I don’t have any way to hold onto it if I’m holding onto you.” I felt better already, admitting to stealing something from him. The truth shall set you free. I thought of Céline who had said those words to me a long time ago, and realized then how much I missed her. I missed everyone, and I wanted to go home.
“My treasure is yours.” He reached out and hooked something with his talon from his pile of gold. It was leather, a satchel that would easily fit over my shoulder. It rose up to me, showing me just how limber a dragon’s legs are. Impressive.
I took it from him and smiled a little. “Huh. That’s handy.”
“It is from Ishmail. My human-partner. I like to take things from him. It is a game we both enjoy.”
My smile faded. “He’s not going to like that I’m using it.” Ish was super possessive of his dragon, that much was clear, and this felt like a second girlfriend wearing the first girlfriend’s shirt or something.
“He will understand. You are my mate.”
“Uh, Othello? We need to talk about this mate thing.” He re-started his trip through the cave corridors as I adjusted the satchel over my body and slid the cup into it. It fit perfectly. “You see, I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m a girl. A fae girl. And you’re a dragon. You’re not even from the same species as I am, and that doesn’t even address the issue of size differential.” I was totally channeling Tony in that moment with my awesome math vocabulary and it made me miss him with the fury of a thousand dragon flames. “It could never work between us.”