XII.--LOVE AND DOUBT
Some three months later Belding was walking slowly down the main streetof St. Marys. He felt fagged and the sun was hot. Just as he reachedthe Dibbotts' white gate he heard a clear voice from behind the clumpof azaleas that screened the cottage from the road.
"Come in, Mr. Belding."
He lifted the latch and saw Mrs. Dibbott in a white dress on the porch.She seemed cool and restful.
"Sit down here. My, but you look tired!"
"I am," he admitted, mopping his face.
"Then sit where you are and have some elderberry wine and cookies.They're right from the oven."
He sighed with relief and began to munch contentedly. He had not knownhow tired he was, and Mrs. Dibbott's cookies were famous.
"You look played out," she went on sympathetically. "How's ElsieWorden?"
"Well. But I don't see very much of her nowadays."
"Why?"
"Work." His brain was fermenting with half completed plans andcalculations. He might as well lay it to that.
"Well, why don't you two get married? You will be old before yourtime."
Belding shook his head. "It takes two to make a bargain."
"But it doesn't take long." Mrs. Dibbott put down her crochet work."Don't you think your friend Mr. Clark depends just a little too muchon individuals--I include himself in that?"
"Perhaps, but it didn't occur to me. At any rate we have a one manconcern."
"And if anything happened to him, what then?" Mrs. Dibbott's eyes werebright with inquiry. "And suppose you break down, what about Elsie?"
"Elsie wouldn't be affected," he said slowly.
"Then you two are not engaged?"
"I thought we would be by this time but I guessed wrong."
Mrs. Dibbott was full of sympathy. "I suppose it serves me right forpoking my nose into other people's business. My, but I'm sorry!What's the matter with Elsie?"
"Nothing."
"Then with you?"
"Nothing."
"May an old woman make a fool of herself?"
"Please--but it won't be that."
"Then has Elsie found some one else--if you don't mind my asking?"
"Possibly,--I can't say."
"But you're the only man in town who takes her anywhere. The judge isfond of you, he told me so, and Mrs. Worden thinks you are the wholeworld. What's the matter, Jimmy?"
Belding got rather red. "I'm afraid I can't say."
Mrs. Dibbott's eyebrows went up, then she leaned over and patted hishand. "Whoever it is you'll knock him out. Sorry I did make a fool ofmyself, but it's my fixed belief that you come first with Elsie, thoughperhaps she doesn't know it."
Belding laughed in spite of himself. "She certainly doesn't know ityet."
"Now tell me about the iron works."
"It will be a couple of years before they are finished." Belding'sbrain began to throb once more. In imagination he was putting up blastfurnaces.
"It will mean a good deal for the town, won't it?"
He nodded. "The biggest thing yet--St. Marys is all right now."
"And it was that dirty old Fisette who found the mine?"
Belding chuckled. "He's not old nor dirty, and was the best prospectorof the lot. Yes, he found it."
"Goodness! were there many of them?"
"About twenty. They all worked in different districts and knew nothingabout each other."
"Then that's what brought that special train load up from Philadelphia?"
"I suppose so. They seemed very happy when they left."
Mrs. Dibbott poured out some more elderberry wine. "When I think whatthat man has done just out of water, it makes me gasp. I switch on thelight and don't trim any more lamp wicks, and the well's gone dry and Idon't care, and Mr. Filmer told me last night there are eight thousandmore people in St. Mary's. Do you remember that meeting?"
"Every word of it."
"And Mr. Manson--he was a wet blanket, wasn't he?"
"But he was snowed under, fortunately."
"I know he was, but did you hear that he has made a fortune out of realestate, and is going round with a face as long as his back?"
Belding knew nothing about Manson--he had been too busy.
"Every one says he's in the dumps because he sold out just beforeFisette found that mine and real estate has been jumping ever since."
"But he never believed in Mr. Clark."
"Some of him does and some of him doesn't," said Mrs. Dibbott sagely.
"How much did he make?" Belding was wiser with other people's moneythan with his own.
"They say twenty-five thousand and," she added enigmatically, "I'msorry for his wife."
The engineer laughed, said good-by and turned toward the Worden house.
At the sound of his step in the garden Elsie looked up, a provocativesmile on her face. She was so dainty, so desirable, that he felt aswift hunger throbbing even to his finger tips. She made room for himon the bench.
"I'm for Mother Earth." He stretched himself at her feet. "Where haveyou been lately, we've missed you at the works."
"I've just got back, been away for two weeks. Are you still very busy?"
He nodded, but business was not what he wanted to talk about. It wasmore than two years now since they first met and he had a feeling thatall that time he had been an open book to her bright eyes.
"Don't let us talk business," he said a little unsteadily.
She swung her large straw hat by its silk ribbons. "You shall chooseyour own subject."
"It isn't business, it's you," he went on bluntly. "I've tried to tellyou before but you wouldn't let me."
"It's a heavenly evening for a proposal."
"Do you mean that?" he gasped.
"Why shouldn't I? The moon is just coming up and the river is quietand we can hear the rapids, and here you are at my feet. What morecould a girl ask?"
Something twitched at Belding's fancy. "Then I love you and I want youdesperately and I'll take care of you all my life. Is there any oneelse?"
His voice sobered her. "Don't, you mustn't say it like that, it soundstoo real."
"But it is real," he protested, "the most real thing I ever said."
"You mustn't," she answered a little shakily. "I'm sorry. I shouldn'thave gone on like that."
Belding captured her hand. "I'm glad you did, Elsie, it was justright."
"But I didn't mean it," she said pitifully, "and it wasn't fair of me.I didn't know you felt like that."
Belding stared at her astonished. "You must have known."
"Then possibly I did,--I wasn't sure. I--I didn't think of it much,but, Jimmy, I don't want to be married just now. You've been splendidever since we met--and really I didn't want you to say what you did."
"Perhaps not in the way I said it." Belding's face became suddenlyrigid. "And perhaps now I know why. You see it's hard for me tocompete with my own chief," he added grimly.
"That's not fair," she burst out, her cheeks flaming. "If you reallycared you wouldn't say it."
"I only want to know where I stand," he replied with sudden dignity."If you'll tell me that, I will be satisfied--for to-night."
Her mood changed in a flash. "That sounds better, but, Jimmy, must youknow to-night? It's hard for me to tell you."
"Why?" he demanded. He wanted his answer, fraught with whatever fate.
"Because I don't just know myself," she said softly. "I wonder if Ican explain. I am fond of you, Jimmy, more than you know, but I wantto be fair to you and I want to be fair to myself as well. Have younever been in a state in which you were conscious that the world wasfull of things you had dreamed of but never expected to find actually?"
He stared at her with the swift intuition that there had been a seasonnot long ago when he felt just like this. But now he was getting usedto it.
"Yes," his voice was quite steady, "I know what you mean."
"It's that w
ay with me now, and I'm just finding out about myself."Her eyes were fixed on the white line of the rapids. "I don't knowwhat sort of a woman I'm going to be,--that sounds queer but it's true.I'm going to want something more than love," she added under her breath.
Belding did not stir and there drifted down to them the deep, hollowmonotone that pervades St. Marys when the wind comes in from the west.The young man scanned the innumerable lights beside the rapids,--hecould place each one of them. Then slowly the moon came up with a softgleam that laid a silver path across the river and touched the girlinto an unearthly beauty.
"I want you, Elsie," he pleaded.
She looked at him with eyes like stars. "Perhaps I want you, Jimmy,"she breathed, "but I don't know yet. Supposing I said 'yes' and thenit was all wrong--for each of us?"
"You said you asked for more than love; perhaps I have no more--in yourmind."
Clark's name was hammering in his brain, but he kept it down.
Followed a little silence. "Do you want to do something for me?" shesaid presently. Her lips were tremulous.
"I've always wanted that."
"Then give me time to find myself--I'm trying hard now."
Belding moved restlessly. "I'm afraid that some one else will findyou."
She glanced at him startled. "If that happens, Jimmy, it means that Ihaven't spoilt your life."
"I want you to spoil it."
"You haven't answered my question; will you give me time?"
Belding got up, put his hands on her slim straight shoulders and staredinto the beautiful, troubled face.
"Elsie, if any one else does come between us--"
She was seized with strange and sudden fear. "No, no, you don't knowwhat you are saying."
He relented instantly. "I'm sorry, I was talking nonsense. Now I'vegot to go and see the bishop about the new church--won't you come?"
The shadow passed from her eyes. "Yes, I'd love to see him, if youwon't get on that subject again."
"What subject?"
"You know," she laughed, once more light hearted.
"I promise, but for to-day only."
They walked slowly down the long straight street that led past Filmer'shouse, which was surrounded by trees, and reached the corner whereFisette's cottage marked the turn up to the bishop's residence.Fisette was on his front doorstep with small people around him, andwaved gayly as they passed.
"He's very happy now, isn't he?" said Elsie.
Belding nodded. He found it hard to join in the happiness of anotherman whose children's arms were about his neck. Elsie's eyes turned tothe figure of the bishop, who was on his wide veranda, a large strawhat on the back of his head. Manuscript lay on the floor beside himbut at the moment he was absorbed in a large green leaf that spreadacross his knees. It was piled with strawberries. As the gate clickedhe signaled hospitably.
"Come along, children--just in time. Mr. Belding, can you pick fruitby moonlight? Elsie, come here and talk to me. To tell the truth Iwasn't thinking just now of any of my flock, but I'd much sooner see alamb like you than some of the old ewes who will always insist on beingserious and respectful. What you observe on the floor is a book Iwould have written if I'd not been a bishop." He rambled on tillBelding reappeared with a hat full of berries.
"Here they are, sir, and I've got another offering as well."
"You don't say so, what is it?"
"Do you remember, a year or so ago, talking to me about apro-cathedral?"
"Very distinctly. But I was afraid that the press of work had made thething impossible so far as you were concerned, so I let the matterstand."
"Well, it isn't impossible, and that church is going to be built."
The bishop drew a long breath. "I am delighted to hear it, because Ihaven't got any money yet. It has all gone in salaries ofmissionaries, and your friend Mr. Clark has put me to a lot of extraexpense. I knew he would the minute I saw him."
"But this church," said Belding with a little lift in his voice, "isgoing to be built without money. Peterson, the masonry contractor atthe works, will give the stone, and his masons will donate the labor.Borthwick, another contractor, will give the lumber and his carpenterswill put it together. Windows--plain glass of course--and the variousfittings are all taken care of by different people, and there was justone thing I found a little difficult, and now that's all right."
"And what was it?" The bishop was leaning forward, his large,expressive eyes very bright.
"Cement, sir. No one seemed to have any to spare. Finally I went toRyan--I don't know whether he has met you."
"Yes, an excellent type--one of my own countrymen. I like Ryan, astrong Romanist, isn't he?"
"Yes, but finally I ran him down and told him I wanted enough cement tobuild a Protestant church."
"But---"
"But, listen! Ryan thought it over for a minute, then his eyes beganto twinkle and he pointed to his storehouse and said that if it wouldcement the Protestant church together I might take the pile."
Elsie laughed, while the bishop relapsed into deep body-shaking mirth.
"Splendid! Fine chap that Ryan. He's from Maynooth and I'm fromLurgan and who says the Irish don't hang together? So it's allsettled?"
"Yes, when can we start work?"
"At once if it's possible. How long will it take?"
"Three months would finish it. The job will be swarming with men."
"Good, and we hope that Ryan's cement will hold the church together.I'm reminded of another Romanist friend who was approached for asimilar Protestant object. He wouldn't help to build the new churchbut he did contribute toward tearing down the old one. And now," herethis good and kindly man paused and looked affectionately at the twoyoung people beside him, "it's my turn to make a suggestion."
Elsie glanced up with uncomfortable intelligence.
"I'd like the first wedding in the new church to be yours if possible.And if you like, I'll officiate myself." He patted the girl's handsoftly.
"That's dear of you," she stammered, "but--it's a long way off."
The bishop looked up sharply and saw that Belding's eyes were fixed onFisette's cottage. "By the way, how's my friend Mr. Clark?" he put inhastily.
Belding smiled, "Working too hard, as usual."
"And working every one else, especially you. Well, I assume that's hisway. I'd like you to tell him that we're building a new church becausehe did not seem to care for the other one."
"Does that fall within the office of an engineer?" said Beldingdoubtfully.
"Unquestionably. Your profession does many different things by manydifferent methods. By the way, I hear we are to have iron works in St.Marys."
"Yes, thanks to Fisette."
"It's some years since Mr. Clark told me he had reason to believe therewas iron in the district. Now I hope that this prophet will have honorin his own country."
A few minutes later the young people rose to go. The bishop followedthem to the gate, and Elsie felt the benediction of his kiss on herforehead. He watched them from his veranda till, with something of asigh, he collected the manuscript at his feet, put it away and turnedto next Sunday's sermon. He looked at this thoughtfully, then walkingslowly into his study laid it also away. His face was suddenlycareworn. He felt unduly oppressed by the burdens of his office, andthere came back on him, as it often did, like a flood, theconsciousness that it was for him by personal effort to raise half themoney needed to pay his forty missionaries. Should he fail, they wentwithout. Constantly aware of their simple faith, he knew also thatthey were poorly fed and lacked any provision for old age.
Involuntarily he began to compare their lot with that of the magneticClark, and was confronted with an eternal problem. Why should faithand sacrificial loyalty fare so much more poorly than the mechanicaland constructive nature? Clark had, apparently, the world at his feet,but what comfort and security was there for brave and spiritual souls,and for what baffling reason were they ro
bbed of present reward?
He pondered this deeply, and, raising his troubled eyes, looked fixedlyat a large print of the Sistine Madonna that hung on the study walljust opposite his desk. As he gazed at its ineffable tenderness therecame to him a slow surcease of strain. Flotsam and jetsam of eternitythey might all be, his missionaries and Clark and himself, butunderneath were the ever-lasting arms, on which,--and he thanked Godfor this,--some had already learned to lean. There flashed into hismind his own arrival at St. Marys, the northern center of his vastdiocese; the joy with which the neighboring Indian tribes had welcomedhim and the name "The Rising Sun" which they had forthwith given him.They had looked forward, they said, to his coming as to morning afterthe darkness of night. The reflection grew in his mind and broughtwith it hope and renewed courage.