“No. She really wants to finish the cruise. She lied to Ace about her age. She’s only eighteen. Graduated from high school in June. But she was telling the truth about the band. She’s from Scranton, and I don’t think she saw too many options open to her. Her dad works in the mines, and her mother works as a grocery clerk. Several conservatories offered her a partial scholarship, but being on the road with a rock band sounded a lot more glamorous. From the way she’s clinging to this ship, I’d guess she was relieved when the bus broke.”
“You mean under all that blue-and-green hair we’ve got Julie Andrews?”
“Not exactly. Maybe Cher with a touch of Bette Midler and Shirley Temple.”
“So you think we should keep her, huh?”
Stephanie sighed. “I’m a real sucker, I know. She’s driving me nuts in the kitchen, but there’s this little-kid vulnerability to her. I’ve seen so many teenagers just like her. They get hurt and feel helpless, and they rebel. They go out looking for easy answers to hard problems.”
Ivan watched her, hoping she’d go on. He knew she was thinking about herself and her life as a cop. As a kid she’d probably taken in stray cats and rescued baby birds that had fallen from their nests. She was one of those people who stopped to remove turtles from the middle of the road and gave money to street people. And now she had another foundling, and it had to remind her of the life she’d tried to escape. “You’re not thinking of adopting her, are you?”
Stephanie laughed. “She’s too old to adopt, but I think I could share my fresh air with her for a while. Three months ago I couldn’t have managed it. It’s a little like looking in the rearview mirror and seeing where I’ve been—and deciding it wasn’t such an awful place. Not necessarily a place I’d want to return to, but a place I’m glad to have seen. And I’m a little shocked at how remote that previous life has become. I still have some bad dreams, and I haven’t entirely lost the wary attitude I developed after years of undercover work, but I’ve discovered the top layer of disgust and burnout has all peeled away.”
And a lot of it had happened since she came aboard the Savage, she thought. She was working hard, she was exhausted, and she was challenged. She liked the sea, the Savage, and everyone around her. She’d come to realize a lot about herself in the past two days. She wasn’t a loner type. She liked noise and people and hugs and kisses. She felt terrifically alive and self-indulgent.
There was another crash, and Stephanie winced. “I’d better get back to the galley.”
He held her wrist. “I’d like to continue our conversation later.”
Stephanie wondered which part of the conversation he wanted to continue and felt a twinge of panic.
“Uh-oh, you look like you need to be talked into this,” Ivan said, grinning. “Tell you what, if you come to my cabin at ten tonight, I’ll show you my gyroscope.”
“Gee, how could anyone refuse an offer like that?”
The sun was low, hidden behind a thick cloud cover when everyone sat down to the turkey dinner. The ship’s anchor had been dropped in a protected cove, and the Savage lay motionless as a fine rain pelted against the windows and roofs. The gray dreariness of the sea and sky made the interior of the ship seem rich with creature comforts and alive with the energy of its inhabitants. Every lantern had been lit in the forward cabin. The air was heavy with the smell of roast turkey and sage dressing, and conversation and laughter filled the room, rising and falling like the comforting slap of waves against the wooden hull. Stephanie took her place at the table and almost went faint at the sight of the feast she’d created. It was wonderful. All modesty aside, she didn’t think Lucy could have done a better job.
Mr. Pease helped himself to mashed potatoes and poured hot gravy over his turkey slices. “This is great. This is just like Thanksgiving.”
Mrs. Pease studied her roll. “These rolls are delicious, and they’re in so many different shapes. What a wonderful idea. This roll looks just like a…” Her face turned scarlet, and she dropped the roll onto her plate with a small gasp.
Mr. Pease looked at the roll. “It looks like a man’s parts!” His face creased into a broad grin. “Daggone if it doesn’t!”
Stephanie examined her own roll, then clapped a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing.
“I couldn’t make crescents,” Melody explained. “They kept falling apart.”
Ace had removed his dark glasses. He had two rolls on his plate, side by side. “My rolls are in love,” he said.
Melody glared at him with her raccoon eyes. “Your rolls aren’t in love. Your rolls are in heat!” She waved her butter knife at him. “Your rolls should be emasculated, you little runt.”
Ace put his glasses back on. “Hey, I don’t go around making dirty rolls, do I? Noooooo. Is this the pot calling the kettle black?”
“You told me you loved me and wanted to marry me.”
Ace sliced a piece of turkey. “Yes, but I didn’t say when.”
At ten o’clock Stephanie squared her shoulders and knocked at the door to Ivan’s cabin.
“Couldn’t resist getting a look at my gyroscope, huh?” he said, pulling her inside. His bed was perfectly made with a red plaid blanket and white sheets. The small electric cabin light was lit. He sat on the bed and patted the spot next to him.
Stephanie sat on the edge and folded her hands in her lap. “This isn’t going to work. I feel uncomfortable. Probably everyone’s standing outside your door listening.”
“Probably everyone’s sound asleep after that turkey dinner.”
She shifted on the bunk and cracked her knuckles. “So, what do you want to talk about? Sex?”
“Gonna jump right in, huh?”
“Yeah.” She took a shallow breath. “Let’s get it over with.”
“You sure you want to talk about sex?”
“Absolutely.” She sprang to her feet and paced in the narrow cabin. “Sex has been on my mind a lot lately. I’ve been thinking about it all afternoon. So I figure I should get it out in the open. You know, get it off my chest.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Actually, I was wondering if… if you wanted to go to bed with me.”
The subtle approach, Ivan thought, smiling. Was it any wonder he was crazy over her? “Is this a rhetorical question or a proposition?”
“I suppose it’s a rhetorical question. Does that make a difference in your answer?”
She was contemplating having a romance, and he happened to be convenient, Ivan thought. Still, Stephanie wasn’t the sort of woman to participate in indiscriminate sex. If she was considering a romance, that meant she’d decided she liked him. And that was good because he thought this relationship had real potential. Maybe it was the low-pressure weather that was affecting his mood. Or maybe it was the right time in his life. Or maybe Stephanie Lowe was simply the right woman. Whatever the reason, the bottom line was that he was a goner, Ivan admitted. He was in lust, but even worse, he suspected he loved Stephanie Lowe. Being in lust was the rush of passion that made your stomach flip and your gut knot up. It was novelty, excitement, a chase. Love was a more gentle emotion. And he was experiencing both.
He hadn’t always been so discriminating in the past, but Stephanie had something special to offer him, and he wanted to make sure her first time was perfect. He didn’t want her having any reservations or regrets. “Steph, any man would be a fool not to want to go to bed with you, but—”
“Here comes the but. That’s what Steve said… but. You’re not going to dump on me, are you?”
“No!”
“But you don’t want to go to bed with me. I can tell you don’t want to go to bed with me.”
“Of course I want to go to bed with you, it’s just that—”
“Yes?”
This was something that needed to be handled delicately. He searched for the right words and drew a blank.
“You aren’t going to give me a lecture on loose morals, are you? Listen, Buster, I deserve to have
a romance. I’ve hung on to my virginity for twenty-nine long years.”
This wasn’t going well. He sat up straighter and dragged a hand through his hair. “Stephanie, you don’t want to rush into something like a romance just because you think your bedpost needs some notches.” Way to go, Rasmussen, really delicate. He grimaced. He couldn’t believe he’d said that.
“Good grief.”
“Sorry, but I’m new at this. I’ve never tried to talk a woman out of going to bed with me before.”
“Lucky me. What an honor. In case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t completely decided to go to bed with you. Maybe I’ll decide against it. Maybe I’ll decide Ace is a better prospect. Maybe I’ll decide to run an ad in the paper. Lord, I never thought it would be so hard to get rid of my virginity. Maybe I should rent a pervert.”
“That isn’t funny.”
Stephanie plopped back onto the bed. “I might cry.”
Ivan stuffed a pillow behind his back and pulled Stephanie against him, wrapping her in his arms. “Steph, do you trust me?”
She thought about it for a moment. “Yes.”
“Don’t worry about the sex.”
“Easy for you to say.” Stephanie sighed. “I’ve been afraid for so long, you know? I wanted to be brave about this. I wanted to… go for the gusto.”
“What were you afraid of?”
“Everything. Just call me No Guts Stephanie. I lost my courage as a cop, then I realized that I didn’t have any courage as a person. All those chicken dinners and meaningless evenings with Steve. I was like a little kid carrying around a security blanket. I was afraid to go off on my own, afraid to break away from my parents, afraid to take risks in a more demanding male-female relationship.”
“Sometimes when you’re very close to things, it’s hard to see them. They get out of perspective. You were doing something that obviously was important to you, and you had to delay other parts of your life for a while. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
Stephanie allowed herself the luxury of leaning on him. “Thanks. I know it was a trade-off, but I think toward the end I was using my job as an excuse to avoid developing other areas of my life. I’d forgotten how to make friends. I’d made my life very narrow. I’d lost the courage to be accessible… to be vulnerable.”
“And now?”
“There are so many things I want to do. I feel as though I’ve been standing with my nose pressed against the bakery window, and now I’m finally allowed inside, and I don’t know what to buy first.”
“What goodies are at the top of your list?”
Stephanie hesitated. She shifted around in his arms and looked him straight in the eye. “I guess your goodies would be number one.”
“Oh.”
“Oh? That’s all you can say? Oh? I’ve just told you for the second time in ten minutes that I’m hot for your goodies, and all you can say is oh. I’ve just spilled my guts about being vulnerable, and all you can say is oh. What kind of a pirate are you anyway? Why aren’t you ravishing me? Why doesn’t anyone ever want to ravish me?” She was shouting, and her cheeks were bright red. “Look at me! I’m hysterical! You’ve made me hysterical. I’ve never been hysterical before.”
She took a deep, calming breath and pressed her lips together. “I’m going to leave now. Tomorrow I’m going to be mortally embarrassed about this, so I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t talk to me. In a year or so my embarrassment will probably fade, and maybe we can be friends. In the meantime, stay far away from me.”
Stephanie sat Indian style on the forward cabin roof. She huddled inside her hooded sweatshirt and squinted into the drizzle. Everything around her was black. There were no stars, no moon, no light from belowdecks. Everyone was asleep, exhausted from an old-fashioned Maine clambake. Tomorrow they’d sail into Camden Harbor and go about their business. Tomorrow she’d hunt up Stanley Shelton and get her toilet fixed. And Sunday she’d sleep until noon. She saw a shadow move at the other end of the ship and realized Ivan was also on deck and watching her. She had mixed feelings about that. He hadn’t done anything but watch her for three days. It wasn’t any secret he was lying low. Of course, that was exactly what she’d ordered him to do, but it didn’t sit well all the same.
He walked toward her, looking like an apparition gliding through the mist, very mysterious and a little spooky. He stood in front of her with his thumbs stuck in his jeans pockets. “Can’t sleep?”
“Didn’t want to.”
“Making the most of your last night on board?”
“Something like that.” The truth was, she was restless. She’d wanted to have a shipboard romance and had only succeeded in making a spectacle of herself. So she’d come topside to sit in the rain and lick her wounds and feel sorry for herself. In the process she was thinking a few nasty thoughts about Ivan Rasmussen.
“I had a call from Lucy this evening. She said she’ll be sailing with me on Monday.”
Stephanie looked at him. There was laughter behind his gray eyes—and something else. He was holding something back. “And?”
“And she didn’t get married.”
“What?” Stephanie jumped to her feet. “What do you mean, she didn’t get married? She’s still engaged? What happened?”
“I guess they had a big fight, and Lucy told him what he could do with his plumbing.”
“Oh, man. How could she do this to me? Is he going to fix my toilet?”
Ivan’s mouth curved. “I don’t know. Didn’t sound to me as though they parted friends.”
“I did this for nothing! I suffered through this whole dumb week for nothing!”
The smile faded from Ivan’s lips, he grabbed her by the arms, and he pulled her to him. “I wouldn’t say you did it for nothing.”
Oh, great. Now he was going to deliver some little speech about ships passing in the night, she thought bitterly. He was going to give her one of those kisses that left her babbling nonsense, then he was going to say it was swell. Maybe she should introduce him to Steve. “Hmmm,” she said. It was all she could manage, and even to her ears it sounded grim.
“Are you mad about something?” Of course she’s mad, he thought. In her eyes, he’d rejected her, insulted her, and embarrassed her. And for the past three days he’d kept his distance, waiting for her to calm down, but it seemed as if she’d grown more furious with each passing day.
“No. Jeez, what would I be mad about? I propositioned you and was immediately rejected. But, hey, who’s holding a grudge? All that talk about pirates ravishing pretty girls, then nothing. Nothing!” She spun away from him and stomped over to the rail. “I can’t imagine why you think I’m mad.”
“Maybe it’s the way you’re shouting and waving your arms.”
“I’m not shouting.”
Stephanie felt the shove of hands at her back and then she was flying through space and plunging feetfirst into the ocean. She bobbed to the surface sputtering expletives.
Ivan dropped a life preserver beside her. “Are you okay?”
“Do I look okay? I’m in the water. I’m drowning.”
He dropped a rope ladder over the side and plunged into the water beside her. “Grab hold of the ladder and pull yourself up before you get dragged under by the weight of your clothes.”
“Get away from me, you maniac. You tried to kill me.”
“Listen, lady, I’m in freezing cold water, fully clothed, and I’m trying to rescue you. Now get up the stupid ladder.”
Stephanie labored up the ladder and staggered onto the deck. “You pushed me! I should have you arrested for attempted manslaughter.”
“I didn’t push you. What’s this thing you have about being pushed anyway? Someone pushed you down the hill and someone pushed you into the water. You know what I think? I think you’re a fruitcake.”
“You take one step closer, and I’m going to scream,” she said to Ivan.
Ivan kicked off his shoes and wrung out his woolen shirt. “Now you’re resor
ting to screaming? Don’t you want to kick me in the groin? Maybe break a few bones?”
“Now that you mention it, maybe I do.”
“Okay, come on.”
Stephanie rolled her eyes.
Ivan grinned at her. “I’m waiting.”
“This is ridiculous.”
He stalked her around the forward deck-house. He curled his finger at her. “Come here, Stephanie.”
“Forget it. I’m not going to wrestle with you.” More games, she thought. They’d roll around together until she was all bothered, then he’d probably pitch her back into the ocean to cool off. No thanks.
She turned on her heel and squished down the ladder to the galley. A single lantern cast a soft circle of light over the cabin. The fire in the stove was almost out. Stephanie stoked it to life and added several logs.
Ivan followed her down the stairs, looking over at Ace’s bunk. “Doesn’t he ever sleep in his own bed?”
“I think he’s made up with Melody.”
“They deserve each other.”
Stephanie stepped out of her shoes and pulled the wet sweatshirt over her head, leaving her in a soaked T-shirt. And what about me? she wondered. Did she deserve Ivan Rasmussen? Wasn’t Steve enough? She twisted the bottom of her T-shirt and squeezed out the water. Two ringers in a row. How could she be so lucky?
Ivan had stripped to the waist and had his hands on the snap to his jeans.
Stephanie looked over and felt a rush of panic. Lord, he was getting undressed! Ivan Rasmussen naked. The answer to every woman’s dream. This was what she’d wanted, wasn’t it? Well, wasn’t it?
She swallowed hard and admitted that romance was one thing—naked was another. She might not be ready for naked. Especially since Ivan wasn’t inclined to follow through on sexual overtures. What if she got carried away and attacked him, and he rejected her? Good grief, Stephanie, she thought, that’s insane. She wasn’t going to attack him. The most likely scenario was that she’d start stammering and sweating and probably hyperventilating.
She put her hands on her hips and squinted through the drops of water trickling into her eyes from her soaked bangs. “What are you doing?”