Okay, so not tripping down the stairs drunk. She's checking on me. That means she's at that in- between period where it can go either way. It's that buzz where if she has a couple more, it's the Mom I want to hate. Go to sleep. Put the glass down and go to sleep.
"Yeah...I'm always good." And then because I can't hold the words back. Because part of me wants to fight back even though she might not remember it or know what I mean, I say, "Are you?"
Her voice trembles when she sighs. "Don't, Carter."
Don't what? I want to ask. No, I want to yell. Yell at the top of my fucking lungs, DON'T WHAT? Get drunk to forget all the bad shit? Shovel it on my son instead? But I can't. God, I can't. It's not her fault.
My hand shakes the same as her voice did. "Sorry...night, Ma. I'll see you tomorrow."
Instead of waiting for her to respond, I hit end, shoving the phone in my pocket as though that will make it all go away. Make it so this whole thing isn't real.
Why am I freaking out this much? I've seen this before, heard it before, but it's like all I hear is her voice right now. I'm dizzy, her drinks affecting me as though I'm the one who drank them. I believed her. How could I have believed her?
"Devin...don't. Not here."
Mel.
Heat flares over my skin, melting the ice from earlier.
"Come on...you said you were breaking up with him. Don't make me regret wanting a high school girl."
"I am...I think...it's hard. Winter Formal's coming up. I've been with Carter for a long time. My parents... Everyone expects—."
I can't stop myself from stomping through the leaves, around the shed and toward the voices walking the opposite direction. "Melanie." My voice is smooth, when I feel anything but.
She whips around. Devin, standing next to her. "Carter! Hey, I was looking for you. We were just talking. What's wrong, baby?" She starts to step toward me.
"Don't." I use the same word Mom just used on me. How can she do this to me now? Tonight? When all I need is something...someone to make everything else go away. Mom...Mel, do any of them mean what they say? "Well, at least I don't have to put up with your bitching anymore. It was getting old."
"What? My bitching? Don't talk to me like that, Carter." Her arms are crossed. Queen Melanie isn't used to anyone talking to her this way.
"Why? You're screwing Devin, aren't you? I figure the least I can do is call you on your attitude. I mean, I get it. Are you scared you won't be Winter Formal queen if we're not together? Afraid you won't have someone to drive your car for you at lunch if your boyfriend's out of school?" I turn to Devin. "Be careful, bro. She bites. Best make sure your clothes aren't too wrinkled for her, or you don't drop some fucking ketchup in princess's car."
It's hard to hear my own words over the beat of my pulse, pounding in my ears.
"Screw you, Carter! You're such a jerk! We're so over. I haven't wanted you for a while anyway." Mel’s face turns as pink as her lipstick.
I want to tell her no. That we're not over because I just want someone to go on pretending everything is okay with, but another part, a bigger part of me is grateful. So thankful to be free. To have one aspect in my life I don't have to pretend with if I don't want. "Is that supposed to hurt? Oh no. Let me go pretend I have a broken heart now so you can keep feeling good about yourself. So you can pretend to feel guilty while you're screwing around with this douchebag."
"Fuck you, Shaw. Watch who you're talking shit about." Now it's Devin who starts walking toward me.
Okay, so this probably isn't something a guy should admit, but I've never been in a fight in my life. I’m okay with keeping that record, but there's no way I'm backing down to him. "Or what?" I step forward too. "What are you going to do about it?"
Another voice bursts into our conversation. "Okay boys, as much as I love a good testosterone fest, I'm thinking we all need to simmer down." Kira steps between me and Devin, her hand on my chest. "Come on, Mike Tyson. Let's get out of here."
"What is she doing here?" Mel screams. "Are you messing around with her, Carter?"
Who does she think she is?
"Yeah, from what I heard, you're not one to talk. Besides, you just dumped him, so I'm not sure why you care," Kira says over her shoulder.
"Screw you! I hate you, Carter. You ruined everything!" Mel turns and runs the opposite direction. The douche follows her.
My breaths are still pushing out fast and hard, my hands still fisted.
"Easy there, Tiger. Come on. Let's go."
Mom. Mel. Mom. Mel. How could everything fall apart in one night?
"Carter...she's not worth it. Let's go toss some baskets or whatever it is you do when you need to relax."
My eyes dart to hers. Somehow that gets my attention. "Toss some baskets? You really need a lesson in basketball."
Still, the night isn't forgotten that easy. I feel like a chump. Step up! Let's see how many people can fool Carter Shaw! One empty promise to quit and I believed Mom. And Mel. I knew something was going on, but I ignored it.
I fall back against a tree, both my hands running through my hair. I almost want to open my mouth and tell her about Mom. Just to get out the words I've never spoken to anyone. I've seen her drunk so many times, I can't figure out why this one call has me so spazzed out.
"Hey...you okay? You look like you're about to puke or something."
I open my mouth, not knowing what's going to come out. "I seriously think you're following me. You know, if you want to hang out, all you have to do is ask."
A small laugh escapes her mouth. "Good try, but no cigar. You're pissed about something and I have a feeling it's a lot more than just your ex-girlfriend, but I'll play along if it makes you feel better. I was helping Travis look for you. He's leaving, but wanted to talk to you first."
My body sags a little. I hadn't wanted her to have an excuse for finding me.
"Shaw! Where the hell are you?" drifts toward me from the house. My feet itch to run, not wanting to see him. Not wanting to see anyone right now. I feel like I'm one step away from cracking, which I cannot do unless I'm alone.
"Back here!" I try to make myself smile, try to push everything else away and be the Carter everyone expects me to be.
Travis comes stomping over a few seconds later. "What? Oh..." His eyes linger on Kira.
"Yeah, not what you're thinking, man." I make myself laugh for good measure.
"Damn. I'm sorry." He gives a real laugh and Kira rolls her eyes. I hear her mumble something that sounds like, "boys."
"Beer's almost gone here. I'm out. We're going to go play some pool or something at Roger's house. Wanna come?"
I pass a reply back and forth in my head. Yes, no, yes, no. No wins. I can't be Happy Carter tonight. "Nah, I think I'm gonna head home. You cool though? Sober driver and all?" I ask.
Travis nods. "Yeah. Roger's girl doesn't drink. She's driving." He holds his fist out for a bump. "Have fun," Travis winks. "Text me tomorrow." Then he's stumbling away again.
Kira's standing next to me, silent while I try to quiet the voices running around in my head. Mel and I just broke up. I was over her, but still it's weird. And Mom...if she's drinking now, how can I trust her not to try it again when Sara's home?
I shake my head, hoping the thoughts will fall out. And suddenly, even though I know it's better, I don't want to be alone. "Hey. If you're not busy..." Spit it out, Shaw. I shrug. "I don't know... You want that basketball lesson?"
She doesn't complain about how it's almost midnight. She doesn't ask me again what's wrong or tell me the last thing she wants to do on a Friday night is play a sport she hates with a guy who's obviously screwed up in the head. Instead she looks at me and smiles. "Okay...but you can't get mad if I beat you."
Chapter Nine
I park the truck in the farthest parking spot away from the street, hoping n
o one will notice it. "You haven't been drinking, have you?" I ask Kira.
"Nope." She opens the door, making the interior light come on.
"Good. If you see a cop, still run, but if we get caught, I'm sure we won't get into trouble. Hanging out in the park after curfew isn't as bad as being drunk and under twenty-one."
"Great. The first time you take me out and we might get arrested. Lana's going to love you." Kira slams the door after she jumps out. I scramble out of my seat behind her.
"I don't want your mom—"
"Guardian."
Oops. "Sorry. Your guardian to want to kill me. Should we go?" Say no.
"No."
Thank you!
"But I will totally blame it on you if we get caught." She smiles, making me think—or hope—she's kidding. Kira's already walking toward the basketball court she saw me at the first day we met. Grabbing my basketball out of the cab, I push the door closed and run after her.
The court is set far off the street and down a path. We really shouldn't get caught. I've played here enough at night, but I still throw a quick request to the big guy upstairs that we get by unscathed tonight. The last thing I need is to have the cops call my mom to pick me up.
Suddenly, my feet won't move. Holy shit. What would I do if the cops called Mom? She couldn't come and get me. Would they make her? Send me home on my own? "Hey... You sure we should stay? I mean, I don't want you to get into trouble or anything."
She doesn't stop walking and I make my feet move again. It always feels like I'm trying to catch up with this girl. "You won't. I'll be fine. Unless..." Finally, she stops walking.
When I reach her, I'm shaking my head. "No, no. I'm cool. Come on. Let's go."
When we get to the court, I start to feel a little stupid. Why did I invite a girl who's not into ball to the basketball court? I mean, I'm sure she really doesn't want to spend her Friday night learning basketball 101 when she's already told me it's not her thing. Now that we're here, I don't even know if she really wants me to show her or if she just came because she felt sorry for me. Or maybe she wants to watch me. Usually it doesn't bother me when people watch, but times like tonight, where I just need the leather between my hands to feel grounded to something, I don't really want an audience.
Which makes me wonder why I invited her here in the first place.
"So I'm guessing heels and basketball don't really go well together?" Kira's steady voice pulls me out of my thoughts.
"Um...no." I dribble the ball to keep myself busy. "I guess I didn't really think this through very well."
She shrugs, pulling off her shoes and tossing them to the side.
"You can't play with no shoes on. What if you step on something?"
"I'll be okay, Mom. Just make sure you don't stomp on my feet."
Like always she pulls a small laugh out of me. "Ha ha. See? I try to be a gentleman and you make fun of me. Nice."
"Are those the same shoes you play your games in?"
"Um, no. Why?"
"Give them to me."
"What? Then what will I wear?"
Kira crosses her arms. "Oh, I was under the impression you were being a gentleman."
My eyes fall closed and I shake my head, knowing she got me. "Fine, but just so you know, I wouldn't do this for just anyone. And if I step on something and get hurt, I'm totally suing."
"Deal." She takes my Nikes and pulls them on. They're obviously big on her. I doubt she'll even be able to run without tripping. "And at least you have socks. That's some protection."
"Socks? Protection my ass." This time, it's me who mumbles, "girls" the same way she did boys.
"Okay, so what's first, coach?" She holds out her hand, answering my question about whether we're really playing basketball class or not. I toss her the ball.
"Let me see how you shoot." I grab her arm and pull her forward a little, about where the free throw line is.
With her feet apart, she pulls her hands in the air and I stop her. "Nope. Not right at all. Here." I step up behind her. Patting one of her legs, I say, "Move this leg a little. Yep, like that. Raise the ball up, with two hands, but put one on the side a little." She does it, but wrong. Reaching my arms around her I touch her wrist. "Over a little. Yeah, like that. Then the other hand at the back of the ball."
I'm behind her, arms on each side of her, my hands on hers. It's not until I smell girl that I realize how close I am to her. I don't even know what the scent is—some kind of sweet perfume that goes straight to my head. Her back's against my chest. My arms are around her. I suck in another breath because, man, girls smell good. When you're this close to one, it's impossible not to suck it all in and drown in it. "Is...Is this...okay?"
She chuckles. I don't know if it's wishful thinking or not, but I think it sounds a little more raspy than usual.
"Sure thing, Coach. It's the only way to learn, right?"
Oh, yeah. This is about basketball. It's the first time in my life I haven't fully appreciated the sport because while it did get me this close to her, it's not the reason a guy wants to be close to a girl. "Absolutely."
Trying to make myself concentrate on what I'm doing rather than how soft she is... What is that smell? Strawberries? Okay, I'm going the wrong way here.
"You're going to bend your right wrist a little so the ball tilts backward. Smoothly flick your wrist forward a little, letting the ball kind of roll out of your hand, off your fingers. One fluid movement, 'kay?" Basketball, basketball, basketball.
I step away from her. She shoots it hard, bouncing the ball roughly off the front of the rim. "Oops."
Running around her, I grab the ball and give it back to her. "Totally my fault. Hold the ball like you did last time." She gets into position and I get behind her. Teasingly, I push my knees into the back of hers, trying not to focus on wondering what her legs feel like. Trying not to regret wearing pants so I would know firsthand. "Bend your legs a little. Not too much, but enough to give yourself a little leeway. There you go. Like that. Arm up a little more. Perfect."
It's dumb. All kinds of dumb, actually. I mean, I got dumped by Mel tonight. I'm all screwed up over Mom, but I need to feel her. Need to forget everything else, so I slide my hands down her arms instead of pulling them away before stepping around her.
"Okay, watch me." Did my voice just shake? I hope she doesn't notice.
I bend my legs, put my hand up like there is a ball in them. "You're going to push off the ground a little. You can jump, but you don't have to. Just give yourself a little push. At the same time, shoot the ball. Nice and smooth, remember." I demonstrate a jump shot. "Your turn."
Kira stands there a few seconds, focusing on the basket, then does exactly what I said. Her form is almost perfect. The ball flies out of her hand. The arch is a little high, but that's okay. Nothing wrong with a rainbow shot as long as it goes in. Which is does. Missing the rim completely and sliding straight though the net.
"There you go! Nothing but the bottom of the—umpf!" She flies at me like Sara does, crashing into me, but it feels different. Way different than my little sister launching herself at me.
"I did it!" The hug is too short for my liking. "I'm good, huh? See how fast of a learner I am? Come on, let's do it again."
She doesn't have to ask me twice. Ruining my white socks, I run for the ball and bring it back to her. She shoots a couple more jump shots. I try and teach her to dribble through her legs which probably isn't the smartest move since she's wearing a skirt, but it's kind of fun. The layups don't go as smoothly as jump shots, especially with the oversized shoes. It takes her throwing the ball over the back, bouncing off the bottom of the rim, and every other screw up you can think of before she makes one, but eventually she does. I swear her face brightens up enough to lighten the park if the lamps went out.
It's not until she falls against th
e wall, sitting on the ground, that I realize I could probably do the same. I'm smiling so big, I probably look like an idiot, but I don't care. I practically feel the light coming off me. I'm not thinking about Mel, worried about Mom or Sara. I'm not even plotting out how to win, how to get better because teaching her, this was just for fun.
I can't ever remember having so much of it.
***
"Can I ask you something?" I turn to look at her, while we're both sitting on the side of the court. Her legs are out in front of her, long and lean and I can't even explain how hard it is not to stare at them. But the funny thing is, as much as I want to look, I also want to talk to her too. There's a part of me that wonders if she's insane...but a good insane. One that makes me wish I could be a little more crazy.
"Sure thing. Oh!" she turns to me. "We can have like, a bonding session, where we bare our souls to each other and become cosmically connected by our experiences!"
I can't help but wonder if my eyes are as big as they feel. I know my mouth is hanging open because this chick really is nuts. Not sure this part is the good kind or not, but she's definitely one player short of a team.
"Breathe, Coach. I'm kidding. I know a little bit about boys. The whole baring the soul thing isn't something you guys excel at, right? Plus, while I like you pretty well, and I'm pretty much an open book, not sure I'm that open."
The shock still hasn't worn off yet as she starts biting her fingernail like what she just said is completely normal. "Has anyone ever told you you're crazy?"
"Umm, I'm pretty sure you did. I can't remember. It's getting kind of late though... what's your question?"
Taking my eyes off her, I lean my head against the wall. "Well, this might be a little too bare-your-soul or whatever, but I was just curious... About your mom. Or your guardian. Just..." I shrug, realizing that I may have thought so before, but now I know that I am, indeed an idiot. What possessed me to ask her this?
"It's okay, Carter. I don't mind. You look like you're about to take off running." She crosses her legs and looks up at the stars, quiet. I can't help but look up too, wanting to see what she sees. A few minutes pass before she speaks.