I figured there was one seminal moment when a woman realized what it meant to be a mother. For my birth mom, maybe it was when she passed me to a nurse and said good-bye. For the mother who'd raised me, it was when she sat me down at the kitchen table and told me that I had been adopted. For your mother, it was making the decision to file this lawsuit in spite of the public and private backlash. Being a good mother, it seemed to me, meant you ran the risk of losing your child.
'I wanted another baby so much,' Charlotte said quietly. 'I wanted to experience that, with Sean. I wanted us to take her to the park and push her on the swings. I wanted to bake cookies with her and go to her school plays. I wanted to teach her how to ride a horse and water-ski. I wanted her to take care of me when I got old,' she said, looking up at me. 'Not the other way around.'
I felt the hair stand up on the back of my neck. I didn't want to believe that a person who had brought a baby into this world would quit so easily when the going got tough. 'I think most parents know there's going to be some bad to go with the good,' I said evenly.
'I wasn't naive - I already had a daughter. I knew I'd take care of Willow when she was hurt. I knew I'd have to get up in the middle of the night when she had nightmares. But I didn't know she was going to be hurt for weeks at a time, for years at a time. I didn't know I'd be up with her every night. I didn't know that she would never get better.'
I looked down, pretending to straighten some papers. What if the reason my mother had given me away was that I didn't measure up to what she had hoped for? 'What about Willow?' I said, bluntly playing devil's advocate. 'She's a smart kid. How do you think she'll handle her mother saying she should never have been born?'
Charlotte flinched. 'She knows that's not the truth,' she said. 'I could never imagine my life without her in it.'
A red flag went up in my mind. 'Stop right there. Don't say that. You can't even hint at it. If you file this lawsuit, Mrs O'Keefe, you have to be able to swear - under oath - that if you'd known about your daughter's illness earlier, if you'd been given the choice, you would have terminated the pregnancy.' I waited until her gaze met mine. 'Is that going to be a problem?'
Her eyes slid away, focusing on something outside my window. 'Can you miss a person you've never known?'
There was a knock at the door, and the receptionist popped her head in. 'Sorry to interrupt, Marin,' Briony said, 'but your eleven o'clock is here.'
'Eleven?' Charlotte said, jumping to her feet. 'I'm late. Willow's going to panic.' She grabbed her purse, slung it over her shoulder, and hurried out of my office.
'I'll be in touch,' I called after her.
It wasn't until that afternoon, when I began to think about what Charlotte O'Keefe had said to me, that I realized she'd answered my question about abortion with another question.
Sean
A
t ten o'clock on Saturday night, it became clear to me that I was going to hell.
Saturday nights were the ones that made you remember every sleepy picture-postcard New England town had a split personality, that the healthy, smiling guys you saw featured in Yankee magazine might pass out drunk at the local bar. On Saturday nights, lonely kids tried to hang themselves from the closet racks in their dorm rooms and high school girls got raped by college boys.
Saturday nights were also when you'd catch someone bobbing and weaving so bad in a car that it was only a matter of time before the drunk rammed into someone else. Tonight I was pulled over behind a bank parking lot when a white Camry crawled by, practically on the dotted yellow line. I flicked on my blues and followed the driver, waiting for the car to pull onto the shoulder.
I stepped out and approached the driver's window. 'Good evening,' I said, 'do you know why--' But before I could finish asking the driver to tell me why he thought I'd pulled him over, the window rolled down and I found myself staring at our priest.
'Oh, Sean, it's you,' Father Grady said. He had a shock of white hair that Amelia called his Einstein-do, and he was wearing his clerical collar. His eyes were glassy and bright.
I hesitated. 'Father, I'm going to have to see your license and registration . . .'
'Not a problem,' the priest said, digging in his glove compartment. 'You're just doing your job.' I watched him fumble, dropping his license three times before he managed to hand it to me. I glanced inside the car but didn't see any bottles or cans.
'Father, you were all over the road there.'
'Was I?'
I could smell alcohol on his breath. 'You have any drinks tonight, Father?'
'Can't say that I have . . .'
Priests couldn't lie, could they? 'You mind stepping out of the car for me?'
'Sure, Sean.' He stumbled out of the door and leaned against the hood of his Camry, his hands in his pockets. 'Haven't seen your family at Mass lately . . .'
'Father, do you wear contact lenses?'
'No . . .'
This was the beginning of the test for horizontal gaze nystagmus, an involuntary jerking of the eyeball that could suggest drunkenness. 'I'm just going to ask you to follow this light,' I said, taking a penlight out of my pocket and holding it several inches away from his face, a bit above eye level. 'Follow it only with your eyes - keep your head still,' I added. 'Understand?'
Father Grady nodded. I checked his equal pupil size and tracking as he followed the beam, marking down a lack of smooth pursuit, and an end-point nystagmus as I moved the beam toward his left ear.
'Thanks, Father. Now, can you stand on your right foot for me, like this?' I demonstrated, and he lifted his left foot. He wobbled but stayed upright. 'Now the left,' I said, and this time, he pitched forward.
'Okay, Father, one last thing - can you walk for me, heel to toe?' I showed him how and then watched him trip over his own feet.
Bankton was so tiny we didn't ride with partners. I could have probably let Father Grady go; no one would have been the wiser, and maybe he'd even put a good word in to heaven for me. But letting him go also meant I would be lying to myself - and surely that was just as grievous a sin. Who might be driving on the roads that led to his house . . . a teenager, coming home from a date? A dad flying back from a business trip out of town? A mom with a sick kid, headed to the hospital? It wasn't Father Grady I was trying to rescue, it was the people he might hurt in his condition.
'I hate to do this, Father, but I'm going to have to arrest you for driving under the influence.' I Mirandized him and gently led the priest into the back of the cruiser.
'What about my car?'
'It'll be towed. You can get it tomorrow,' I said.
'But tomorrow's Sunday!'
We were only about a half mile from the station, which was a blessing, because I didn't think I could stand to make small talk with my priest after I'd arrested him. At the station, I went through the rigmarole of implied consent and told Father Grady I wanted him to take a Breathalyzer test. 'You have the right to have a similar test or tests done by a person of your choosing,' I said. 'You'll be given the opportunity to request this additional test, if you want. If you do not permit a test at the direction of the law enforcement officer, you may lose your license for a period of one hundred and eighty days, not concurrent with any loss of license if found guilty of the charge of DUI.'
'No, Seanie, I trust you,' Father Grady said.
It didn't surprise me when he blew a .15.
Since my shift was ending, I offered to take him back home. The road snaked in front of me as I passed the church and drove up a hill to the little white house that served as the rectory. I parked in the driveway and helped him walk a relatively straight line to the door. 'I was at a wake tonight,' he said, turning his key in the lock.
'Father,' I sighed. 'You don't have to explain.'
'It was a boy - only twenty-six. Motorcycle accident last Tuesday, you probably know all about it. I knew I'd be driving home. But there was the mother, sobbing her heart out, and the brothers, completely shattered - and I wanted to l
eave them with a tribute, instead of with all that loss.'
I didn't want to listen. I didn't need to borrow anyone else's problems. But I found myself nodding at the priest all the same.
'So it was a few toasts, a few shots of whiskey,' Father Grady said. 'Don't you lose sleep over this, Sean. I know perfectly well that doing the right thing for someone else occasionally means doing something that feels wrong to you.'
The door swung open in front of us. I'd never been inside the rectory before - it was homey and small, with framed psalms hanging on the walls for decoration, a crystal bowl of M&M's on the kitchen table, and a Patriots banner behind the couch. 'I'm just going to lie down,' Father Grady murmured, and he stretched out on the couch.
I took off his shoes and covered him with a blanket I found in a closet. 'Good night, Father.'
His eyes opened a crack. 'See you tomorrow at Mass?'
'You bet,' I said, but Father Grady had already started to snore.
When I had told Charlotte that I wanted to go to church the next morning, she asked if I was feeling all right. Usually, she had to drag me to Mass, but part of me had wanted to know if Father Grady was going to do a sermon about our encounter last night. Sins of the fathers, that's what he could call it, I thought now, and I snickered. Beside me, in the pew, Charlotte pinched me. 'Sssh,' she mouthed.
One of the reasons I didn't like going to church was the stares. Piety and pity were a little too close to each other for my tastes. I'd listen to a blue-haired old lady tell me she was praying for you, and I'd smile and say thanks, but inside, I was ticked off. Who'd asked her to pray for you? Didn't she realize I did enough of that on my own?
Charlotte said that an offer to help was not a comment on someone else's weakness, and that a police officer ought to know that. But hell, if you wanted to know what I was really thinking when I asked a lost out-of-towner if he needed directions or gave a battered wife my card and told her to call me if she needed assistance, it was this: pull yourself up by your bootstraps and figure a way out of the mess you've gotten yourself into. There was a big difference, the way I saw it, between a nightmare you woke up in unexpectedly and a nightmare of your own making.
Father Grady winced as the organist started a particularly rousing version of a hymn, and I tucked away my grin. Instead of leaving the poor guy a glass of water last night, I should have mixed him up a hangover remedy.
Behind us, a baby started to wail. As mean-spirited as it was of me, it felt good to have everyone focused on a family other than ours. I heard the furious whispers of the parents deciding who would be the one to take the baby out of the church.
Amelia was sitting on my other side. She elbowed me and mimed for a pen. I reached into my pocket and handed her a ballpoint. Turning over her palm, she drew five tiny dashes and a hangman's noose. I smiled and traced the letter A on her thigh.
She wrote: AA_
M, I wrote with my finger.
Amelia shook her head.
T?
ATA
I tried L, P, and R, but no luck. S?
Amelia beamed and scribbled it into the puzzle: SATA_
I laughed out loud, and Charlotte looked down at us, her eyes flashing a warning. Amelia took the pen and filled in the N, then held up her hand so I could see. Just then, loud and clear, you said, 'What's Satan?' and your mother turned bright red, hauled you into her arms, and hurried outside.
A moment later, Amelia and I followed. Charlotte was sitting with you on the steps of the church, holding the baby who'd been screaming during the whole Mass. 'What are you doing out here?' she asked.
'Thought we'd be safer when the lightning struck.' I smiled down at the baby, who was stuffing grass into his mouth. 'Did we pick up an extra along the way?'
'His mother's in the bathroom,' Charlotte said. 'Amelia, watch your sister and the baby.'
'Do I get paid for it?'
'I cannot believe you'd have the nerve to ask me that after what you just did during Mass.' Charlotte stood up. 'Let's take a walk.'
I fell into step beside her. Charlotte had always smelled of sugar cookies - later I learned that it was vanilla, which she would rub on her wrists and behind her ears, perfume for a pastry chef. It was part of why I loved her. Here's a news flash for the ladies: for every one of you who thinks we all want a girl like Angelina Jolie, all skinny elbows and angles, the truth is, we'd rather curl up with someone like Charlotte - a woman who's soft when a guy wraps his arms around her; a woman who might have a smear of flour on her shirt the whole day and not notice or care, not even when she goes out to meet with the PTA; a woman who doesn't feel like an exotic vacation but is the home we can't wait to come back to. 'You know what?' I said genially, wrapping an arm around her. 'Life is great. It's a gorgeous day, I'm with my family, I'm not sitting in that cave of a church . . .'
'And I'm sure Father Grady enjoyed hearing Willow's little outburst, too.'
'Believe me, Father Grady's got bigger problems on his plate,' I said.
We had crossed the parking lot, heading toward a field overrun with clover. 'Sean,' Charlotte said, 'I've got a confession to make.'
'Maybe you ought to take that inside, then.'
'I went back to the lawyer.'
I stopped walking. 'You what ?'
'I met with Marin Gates, about filing a wrongful birth lawsuit.'
'Jesus Christ, Charlotte--'
'Sean!' She threw a glance toward the church.
'How could you do that? Just go behind my back like my opinion doesn't matter?'
She folded her arms. 'What about my opinion? Doesn't that matter to you?'
'Of course it does - but some bloodsucking lawyer's opinion, I don't give a shit about. Don't you see what they're doing? They want money, pure and simple. They don't give a damn about you or me or Willow; they don't care who's screwed during the process. We're just a means to an end.' I took a step closer to her. 'So Willow's got some problems - who doesn't? There's kids with ADHD and kids who sneak out at night to smoke and drink and kids who get beat up at school for liking math - you don't see those parents trying to blame someone else so they can get cash.'
'How come you were perfectly willing to sue Disney World and half of the public service system in Florida for cash? What's different here?'
I jerked my chin up. 'They played us for fools.'
'What if the doctors did, too?' Charlotte argued. 'What if Piper made a mistake?'
'Then she made a mistake!' I shrugged. 'Would it have changed the outcome? If you'd known about all the breaks, all the trips to the ER, all we'd have to do for Willow, would you have wanted her any less?'
She opened her mouth, and then resolutely clamped it shut.
That scared the hell out of me.
'So what if she winds up in a lot of casts?' I said, reaching for Charlotte's hand. 'She also knows the name of every bone in the freaking body and she hates the color yellow and she told me last night she wants to be a beekeeper when she grows up. She's our little girl, Charlotte. We don't need help. We've handled this for five years; we'll keep handling it ourselves.'
Charlotte drew away from me. 'Where's the we, Sean? You go off to work. You go out with the guys for poker night. You make it sound like you're with Willow twenty-four/seven, but you have no idea what that's like.'
'Then we'll get a visiting nurse. An aide . . .'
'And we'll pay her with what?' Charlotte snapped. 'Come to think of it, how are we going to afford a new car big enough to carry Willow's chair and walker and crutches, since ours is going on two hundred thousand miles? How are we going to pay off her surgeries, the parts insurance won't cover? How are we going to make sure her house has a handicapped ramp and a kitchen sink low enough for a wheelchair?'
'Are you saying I can't provide for my own kid?' I said, my voice escalating.
Suddenly, all the bluster went out of Charlotte. 'Oh, Sean. You're the best father. But . . . you're not a mother.'
There was a shriek, an
d - instinct kicking in - both Charlotte and I sprinted across the parking lot, expecting to find Willow twisted on the pavement with a bone breaking through her skin. Instead, Amelia was holding the crying baby at arm's length, a stain streaking the front of her shirt. 'It barfed on me!' she wailed.
The baby's mother came hurrying out of the church. 'I'm so sorry,' she said, to us, to Amelia, as Willow sat on the ground, laughing at her sister's bad luck. 'I think he might be coming down with something . . .'
Charlotte stepped forward and took the baby from Amelia. 'Maybe a virus,' she said. 'Don't worry. These things happen.'
She stood back as the woman gave a wad of Baby Wipes to Amelia to clean herself off. 'This conversation is over,' I murmured to Charlotte. 'Period.'
Charlotte bounced the baby in her arms. 'Sure, Sean,' she said, too easily. 'Whatever you say.'
By six o'clock that night, Charlotte had caught whatever the baby had, and was sick as a dog. Vomiting like crazy, she'd sequestered herself in the bathroom. I was supposed to work the night shift, but it was blatantly clear that wasn't going to happen. 'Amelia needs help with her science homework,' Charlotte murmured, patting her face with a damp towel. 'And the girls need dinner . . .'
'I'll take care of it,' I said. 'What else do you need?'
'To die?' Charlotte moaned, and she shoved me out of the way to kneel in front of the toilet again.
I backed out of the bathroom, closing the door behind me. Downstairs, you were sitting on the living room couch eating a banana. 'You're gonna spoil your appetite,' I said.
'I'm not eating it, Daddy. I'm fixing it.'
'Fixing it,' I repeated. On the table in front of you was a knife, which you weren't supposed to have - I made a mental note to yell at Amelia for getting you one. There was a slice down the center of the banana.
You popped open the lid of a mending kit we'd taken from the hotel room in Florida, pulled out a prethreaded needle, and started to sew up the wound in the banana skin.