The warmth in my heart does something to me. I don’t really know what’s happening right now. My father never speaks to me like this. He is normally cold.
“I’m only doing what was right for us,” I say, knowing this is my chance to speak up, to tell him that we should start spending some time together. Over the years I felt like I never fit into his perfect life. That’s why I kept lying to everyone.
“I’m proud; that’s what I wanted to tell you. Keep up the good work and win the lawsuit. Maybe I should apologise about that incident earlier in the week. Lindsey was good, but everyone makes mistakes. I’m sorry that I didn’t believe you that this wasn’t your error,” Dad adds, looking uncomfortable. I want the ground to open up and swallow me. Right in this moment I should be jumping for joy or at least telling him the truth, but no. I’m too cowardly to say what happened that day and why I sacrificed my good friend who now probably hates me.
“I have to go. I have a meeting now,” I mumble, drop my eyes and leave, heading straight to the bathroom with my bag, knowing I have a card case with antibacterial wipes and fresh razor blades in it. I had my chance, but I’ve ruined it again.
Jacob
My mind has been elsewhere this morning. I was distracted through my training session. It went well, but I was thinking about Dora again. Yesterday everything went perfectly, but then I had to go home knowing that she lied to me again.
She did love me back then—I know she did—you can’t fake that kind of love. But she betrayed us. I took it hard, harder than I expected. Then everything fell apart.
“What was going on today, Radcliffe? You forgot how to be tough?” shouts one of the boys, Marcus, I believe. The training hadn’t gone exactly to plan. I was distracted the whole time, and I should be doing much better. I want to find my place in this team to this whole city. I want to be happy in my life, and establishing myself here is important for that. Once I get my revenge with Dora though, where will that leave me? That kiss yesterday reminded me exactly why I wanted her in the first place. My heart came alive again, like the years we’ve been living apart just didn’t matter.
“No, I was going easy on you. Didn’t want to hurt you, man,” I joke back as we all head back to the changing room. I need a massage tonight, a good one to relax me and work out my tension. Pete has a number, but when I think about it seriously, I’m not sure it’s a good idea to get involved with the guy that keeps offering me the hard stuff, knowing that I’m in recovery.
A few of my teammates banter back and forth ending in calling me a pussy, while they start hitting the showers. I gingerly shuck off my training clothes. All of us are covered in cold, wet mud, but this torture is just the beginning. The coach has more stuff planned.
“Hey, so I heard you’re suing the bitch,” says Pete, approaching me.
“Yeah, me and my hot lawyer. We’re going ahead with it,” I tell him, wondering why I started hanging out with him in the first place.
“Who do you mean? I thought you were fucking Kim?”
“Nah, I’m not interested in crazy! This girl is someone that I used to date. She is going to kick Willcock’s arse, and maybe make me even richer than I already am.” I laugh. Pete mutters something about another party this weekend, but I tell him that I have something else in mind entirely.
I take my time in the changing room. By the time I finally decide to have a shower, all my teammates are gone. Thoughts of Dora and the two of us together in the past keep occupying my mind. I need her to admit that she still wants me and I want her to forget about that Rob. Once she loses him, I’ll step in and show her some affection, before I end it and my revenge plan once and for all.
I wrap the towel around my waist, thinking about what kind of coward I’ve turned into. She’s not the woman for me, so why do I still feel so strongly about her, about my fucked up feelings? I’m not Oliver, who played the girl all the way and then crushed her because of something that she did to him in the past. This is different. So why is this stupid voice in my head telling me it’s something else?
The water drips down my chest, as I walk back into the changing room and shove the door of the locker away. Something falls on the ground, and then a familiar voice startles me all of a sudden.
“What is it?”
I turn abruptly to see Dora at the door. She is looking at the small package of green that fell out of my locker, along with white powder. Right, I know about the weed, but the coke? I haven’t done that shit since I went to rehab a couple of months ago.
“Dora, what are you doing here? I don’t think we have an appointment today,” I say, hoping to divert her from an uncomfortable subject. I was weak before, addicted to drugs, dependent on stuff just to get through the day, but that’s not the case anymore.
She pales slightly, but closes the door behind her, walking up to me. This shit is serious.
“I asked you a question. What the hell just fell out of your locker?”
That’s it. I think it’s time to tell her the truth, to let her know that this all started because of her.
Chapter Nine
Lost moment, one small moment.
Jacob
I run my hand through my wet hair, thinking about all my excuses that I used to give to my sister and mother. I hurt them both badly, but at the time I didn’t think about the consequences of my actions. All that mattered then was for me to have a good time so I could carry on with my pathetic lifestyle. I ruined their peaceful lives and my blossoming career.
“It’s weed, Dora. The coke … well, I have no idea why that’s there. It’s not my shit. I do smoke green now and again, just to get my mind off things,” I tell her, knowing that most likely she won’t believe me. She puts her designer bag on the bench and folds her arms over her chest, eyeing me in anger.
“I’m defending you because you said that you were clean.”
“Dora, this isn’t what you think. Pete must have slipped this into my locker when I went to the shower. I’m still in recovery and that arsehole knows it, but sometimes I need a good joint to chill out,” I insist, taking a step towards her. A wave of her vanilla perfume washes over my face. Her eyes flash briefly to my chest, then back to my eyes. I just want to hold her in my arms for a bit, remembering that moment in the lift. The idea of revenge clouds my mind, but at the same time, when she’s standing right in front of me, I want her for myself.
She shakes her head, not buying it.
“This is bullshit, Jacob. You promised me that you were done with this shit.”
“I am, Dora. This is just a bit of weed. I use it to calm myself down when I’m stressed.”
“Green is not a solution,” she points out.
“What about self-harming? That isn’t a solution either.” I throw that angry barb at her, not even knowing what I’m saying. She opens her mouth, probably to tell me to go to hell, but she doesn’t make a sound. I have seen those types of scars before; my sister used to be a cutter. Dora can say whatever she wants. I know that she’s not comfortable in her own skin.
“We are not talking about me here, Jacob; we are talking about you,” she states, her voice breaking a little. I need to be more careful. If I keep talking to her like that she’ll never leave her fiancé for me.
“Okay fine, you’re right. I’m sorry. That was below the belt. I didn’t mean to be so combative. I’m just worried about you. I’ve seen those type of scars before.”
“You shouldn’t be worried about something that doesn’t concern you. We are not together. You’re my client,” she points out. “The drugs, however, are a deal breaker. That’s how you get into trouble with the press. You have to stop smoking this crap.”
A cold draft passes through and goose pimples shoot over my chest. Dora swallows hard. We’re standing very close to each other now. I smile, knowing that she’s right. I shouldn’t be smoking at all.
I take a deep breath, place my hands on her arms, and start pushing her towards the wall. My balls feel hea
vy and start aching with a fresh dose of desire. She shouldn’t even be here. I don’t think I can control myself around her right now.
“I’m not dependent on it. That article damaged me. It could have ruined me. I’m only just picking myself up, so I am not going to risk it all by regressing into bad behaviours,” I explain slowly. “But what I want to know now is why you came here, Dora? I don’t think we had anything scheduled for today so that means you came to see me. Can you see me, Dora?”
She looks away, flustered. Okay, I think it’s time to step up my seduction game.
“Rob has gone out of town for a couple of days, so I just thought I would come down here to talk. I think your case is very strong. I followed you on Twitter, and apparently this was the last place that you checked in,” she states, her eyes never leaving my naked chest. Rob, that fucking arsehole. I should be glad that she found someone. Instead I’m trying to ruin Dora’s perfect relationship. I know for a fact that she wants me, more than she wants him.
Dora
I shouldn’t be lying to Jacob, especially about a guy that doesn’t even exist. Jacob is making me agitated. It’s definitely too hot in here. He is staring at me like he knows that I’m telling him lies. The heat from his intense gaze increases the temperature of my body.
I pull away from him to put some distance between us, so I can push away my desire for him. That way I don’t have to keep staring at his perfect body. The attraction I have for him is messing with my carefully prepared plan. The steam from the showers doesn’t help, and I keep sweating. I made a hell of an effort tracking him down, but I have to ask myself—why?
I couldn’t stay away, and that’s part of the problem.
“Dora, I know that you can win this case. That’s why I wanted you in the first place,” he says, following me. God, I wish he would stay where he was.
“All right, fine. Go and put some clothes on, so we can discuss the drugs. I don’t want you to catch a cold,” I say, but at the same time I begin to imagine us standing in the shower, him kissing me like he used to. I need to tell him that I’m not feeling well and just run. It was a bad idea, surprising him like this. The lies are only complicating this situation. There can’t be anything between us. I never deserved him and never will.
Jacob laughs, looking around. His confidence intimidates me, and his cocky assertiveness is getting to me; he knows he affects me. Instead of getting dressed, he walks into the shower area, steps inside and switches on the stream.
“No, I feel dirty and I think I need another shower.” He smirks and then drops his towel right in front of me. In any other circumstance, like if there was a different hot rugby player standing there, I would have made some witty remark and jumped straight in. The problem is that Jacob isn’t just some other rugby player—he is the man that I still love, still care for. Five years ago I convinced him I cheated. I fabricated the whole affair because I couldn’t deal with my own insecurities. Now I’m in exactly the same position.
He turns around winking at me, and my eyes wander down, involuntarily landing on his hard cock.
“Jacob, I’m not doing this. I’m engaged … and … and this isn’t funny,” I stutter, sounding like a complete idiot.
He is beside me before I can take another breath, before I can even think about how he got to me so fast. A moment later my jacket lands on the floor, and his wet hands move down my body. He lifts my skirt up and I swallow hard, trying to process what is happening.
Jacob has always been a man of impulse; that’s what I liked about him, his spontaneity and joy for life. It looks like nothing has changed. He still acts in the moment.
“We both know that this guy of yours is just an excuse you’re hiding behind. Stop lying and admit that you want me,” he whispers, bringing me closer. My breath catches in my throat, squeezing my heart in my chest.
We’re locked each other’s gaze, and I just need to open my mouth to tell him the truth.
“No, I never loved you. It’s a mistake. Please don’t push me into doing something that I don’t want to do,” I plead, almost moaning, not even knowing why these lies keep coming out of my mouth.
Then he does something unexpected: he lifts me up, carrying me inside the shower cubical.
“Jacob, what are you doing? I’m dressed!” I shout, but quickly he shuts me up with his mouth, not even giving me time to think about what we’re doing. His hands are everywhere all of a sudden, ripping my blouse open as streams of hot water cover our bodies. My mind screams no, but my body breaks any resolve I had to resist him as he kisses me the way I remember.
Jacob gets rid of my soaked skirt, pushing me back against the tiles, each kiss telling me that he has never gotten over me. His mouth is in my cleavage, caressing and nibbling on my sensitive skin. I’m losing control, my pulse is speeding, and loud desperate moans escape me.
“Tell me to stop and I’ll stop, just one word, Dora,” he rasps, lifting his head up for a moment. I enjoy him touching me too much, and I’m unable to tell him to stop. His hands begin to caress the vulnerable spot between my legs. The warm water washes over us, and I want to lose myself in the incredible sensations building in me.
When I fail to say anything, he continues to lick and nibble my breasts paying attention to my taut nipples. I run my hands through his hair and grip his head to keep his mouth on me. This all seems so perfect, so familiar, so right. My mind keeps screaming at me to end this now, to push him away, but my body complies with his ministrations. He removes my knickers, the last physical barrier between us, and then it’s just us, our bodies moving together in a raw passionate moment.
Jacob slides down to his knees, kissing his way down my stomach, nibbling the indentations of my hips, opening my legs wide apart as he bites gently on my thighs, and then he’s where I need him to be. I cry out when his mouth latches onto my clit licking it eagerly as the water flows over his back. This has never felt so good. I tangle his hair as sensations flood my body, knowing this man can give me pleasure and that he wants to, adding to my joy.
Jacob’s lips are driving me crazy. He massages my channel with his fingers, sliding them back and forth over and over, wringing every last drop of pleasure from my body. His clever tongue is back licking me harder, faster. My breathing speeds up, my walls contract, and I know that I’m close to climax.
“You taste better than I remember,” he mutters and then slips another finger inside me. My breath freezes in my lungs, as he continues to build up my climax. The orgasm comes fast and hard, shattering every last bit of resistance I have to this man. I try not to scream, as the waves of pleasure keep rolling off me.
When he finally lifts himself up and switches off the water behind me, I want to collapse back on the floor.
I open my eyes and look at him, knowing that I have to force myself to tell him the truth, make myself vulnerable to him, so he knows how worthless I am and that as much as I hurt him it was all for him. There was no one apart from him, that the past was all a mistake, and that I have regretted it ever since.
His lips are on mine, devouring me with a passion that burns like a thousand suns.
“That was amazing, Jacob … but—”
“Shhh, stop overthinking this. It was a spur of the moment thing and you were incredible like always. Come on, let’s put you in a towel before you catch a cold,” he orders, with a gleam in his eye. He vanishes for a good few moments and then returns with a white fluffy towel.
My clothes are soaked, and I have nothing to change into. Besides, if I really had a boyfriend, I have just cheated on him.
“You can wear some of my clothes for now, until I take you home,” Jacob adds.
“Thanks, but I’ll need to go back to work after that. I’m still preparing documents and I have emails to send,” I explain, putting his T-shirt on and his training tracksuit. He nods and quickly puts his own clothes back on.
I wait for him outside, fighting with myself over what happened between us. The tiny voi
ce in my head argues with me that it was just one moment of weakness, that I shouldn’t be thinking about reconciliation. The drive back to my apartment is awkward. Neither one of us speaks. I don’t dare look in his direction. My heart is beating fast again, but I know that what happened back in the changing room shouldn’t matter.
“Dora, listen, I’m done with drugs. I’m telling you the truth. The weed helps me sometimes, occasionally to chill out. Pete must have left it in my locker by mistake. I’ll cut him off, I promise,” he says, after a long silence. I keep fiddling with my nails, wondering what the hell I’m doing.
I was the one that pushed him away, and now I can’t help but want him back, but I am still undeserving of him.
“Jacob, it was a mistake. I’ll fight in court to the best of my abilities, but that’s it. We won’t be seeing each other again,” I say through gritted teeth.
“Do you love this guy, this Rob?” he asks.
“Of course, I love him. I’m engaged to him. It’s him I want, not you.” Then I jump out of the car before this whole thing gets even more complicated. My head is spinning, my thoughts racing out of control.
He comes after me. It looks like I have to hurt him all over again, like I did before. He can do better than me.
“Jacob, what do you want? I’m the same person who ruined us. I just cheated on my fiancé, like I cheated on you in the past. You don’t want me. This is a complete fuck up,” I shout. People stare.
His face hardens, as the memories of that evening overshadow his features.
“All right, I get it. You’re too scared to actually make a choice. I’ll see you around, Dora,” he says, irritated, and then heads back to his car.
I need to get to my apartment quickly and use the blade. This whole thing is so messed up, so complicated. There is something utterly wrong with me. I am my own worst enemy. There is no reason why I shouldn’t tell Jacob everything. There is nothing preventing me from telling the man I love how I really feel.