As we reached my chambers, Torben stepped in front of me and opened the door. He went inside before me and walked around the room, glancing behind the changing screen and checking under the bed. He walked quickly across to the bathing chamber and peered in before coming back out and then checking the wardrobe.
“It looks to be clear,” he said as his eyes met mine. “We will be just outside. Brant will fetch your hand maiden.”
Both men were out the door before I could respond to his brisk words. The door closed gently behind them. I walked around the room myself, wringing my hands in front of me and trying hard not to claw at my skin to remove the memory of Cathal’s touch. My stomach clenched at the memory of his mouth, and I had to run to make it to the washbasin in the bathing chamber to keep from vomiting on the floor. I heaved and heaved, but nothing came up. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast so my stomach was empty. I took a dry cloth and dipped it into the pitcher of water and pressed it to my face and neck, helping to cool the heat of my skin.
“Sister mine, where are you?” Dayna’s voice came from the main room. The fact that I hadn’t heard the door open or close gave testament to what a mess I was.
I set the cloth down and walked out into the room. The gasp from my sister was enough to know that I looked as bad as I felt.
“What the bloody hell happened to you?” Dayna breathed as she hurried to my side. She lifted her hand and ran a finger across my neck. No doubt Cathal had left bruises from his mouth and fingers. He’d marked me like I was his property.
“Cathal happened,” I finally managed to say. I was determined to not fall apart in front of her, knowing it would only add to her worry. Before Dayna could respond, the door opened, and Lizzy rushed in. Her mouth dropped open as her eyes went unnaturally wide.
“Your guard said you needed me,” she said. The initial shock dissipated as she hurried over to me. “Did that king do this?” Lizzy asked.
I really didn’t want to talk about it. I felt dirty. My skin crawled, and I wanted so desperately to climb out of it. I wanted the memory of his mouth and hands on me gone. At that point, I was willing to give up all my memories just to get the man out of my mind. I wasn’t even married to him yet and already he was making me utterly miserable.
“I know you want us to leave you be,” Dayna said, her perceptive eyes narrowing on me. “But let us help get you cleaned up and into your night clothes.”
“And we’ll bring you some food so you won’t have to go down to dinner,” offered Lizzy.
“And some of Father’s whiskey,” said Dayna.
I nearly smiled. Leave it to my youngest sister to bring whiskey in as the savior. “Whiskey doesn’t fix everything,” I teased.
She shrugged. “Maybe, but it sure as hell calms the nerves. Makes things seem a bit less dire, if only for a little while.”
Lizzy was nodding as if what Dayna was saying was the most logical explanation ever.
“Fine, let’s get this all done. I just want to climb in bed and forget today ever happened.”
My sisters spent the next half hour sponge-bathing me, braiding my hair, and rubbing me down with the lotion that I usually only reserved for special occasions. Several times I simply closed my eyes and let myself take comfort in their ministrations. I didn’t like feeling helpless. I didn’t like feeling as though I was completely out of control of my own life. Pushing it all aside for the brief time that it took my sisters to pamper me, feed me, and then tuck me into bed had been exactly what I needed. In that moment, I was so very thankful for Dayna’s pushiness and Lizzy’s quiet presence.
By the time they left me, I was completely relaxed. I wanted it to last. I wanted to be able to keep the memories of his touch at bay at least until morning. Unfortunately, my mind had other plans. Gradually, his words refilled my mind, and his face sneered at me again as he held me captive against the rough bark of the tree. I should have fought. I should have screamed, or done something to gain the attention of anyone who might have been close by. But I hadn’t. I had stood there like a whipped dog and let that man violate me. Where the hell had my courage gone? When had I become a doormat for him to walk on?
My spirit felt crushed as I considered all the things I should have done rather than enduring his vile behavior. The tears pooled in my eyes, and my gut clenched violently under the pain that was threatening to crush me. He’d threatened my sisters, my family, those I loved. I hadn’t wanted to take a chance that he was bluffing. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to any of them, especially if it was because of something I’d done or refused to do. I shook my head. I was given no choice, I told myself. I’d had to do what he told me to in order to protect those who were precious to me. No matter how disgusted I was, I wouldn’t have changed what I’d done. I wouldn’t take a risk with the lives of my friends and family.
Regardless, it still hurt, dammit. I felt completely filthy. I felt that, even if by some miracle I could escape my pending marriage with Cathal, I would probably never be able to let another man touch me. Would I ever feel worthy of a man’s touch or would I always feel unclean? I wasn’t sure.
“Why?” I groaned into the pillow as I tucked my knees close to my chest. “Why, why, why!” The tears fell fast with every word, and my breathing became ragged as my lungs tightened, refusing any intake of air. My body shook relentlessly as my emotions lashed out. I couldn’t control them. My mind was incapable of forming rational thoughts. I sat up quickly, consciously forcing large gulps of air into my lungs. I felt as though I was I was suffocating. I felt anew his hand around my throat, the tightening of his fingers threatening to crush my windpipe. His body pressed up against mine, keeping me from being able to move even an inch. And then I felt his mouth. His slithering tongue running along my throat, his lips latching onto my skin, and sucking painfully. I gagged as bile rose from my stomach threatening to project from my mouth. Even as I attempted to hold in the vomit, I tore at my nightgown. The fabric felt as if it was full of nettles, scratching my skin.
I wondered dimly if the pain and fear would fade, or would I always feel as I did in that moment? The tears continued to flow as huge sobs broke through my chest and the sorrow I felt from the things Cathal had taken from me overwhelmed me.
I stood outside of Allete’s door, my jaw clenched as I attempted to maintain control of my temper. I wanted nothing more than to go to Cathal’s room and slit his throat, but only after I had tortured him slowly. How could a man be so dishonorable? How wicked did his heart have to be to treat a woman in such a vile manner?
There was no doubt in my mind now, Allete could not be allowed to marry that monster. She would never be alone with him again. I didn’t know how I could accomplish such a feat without getting arrested, but I knew that Allete must be protected. If I wasn’t already aware of the prophesy—if I didn’t know how important our union would be—I would gladly kill Cathal now and accept my fate with my head held high. Who knows how many women I would save from his evil if his life was snuffed from the earth? Would anyone really miss him? I had a feeling the people of his country would rejoice, rather than mourn. He was not the type of leader that inspired any form of loyalty. His people only followed him out of fear. They didn’t respect him or trust him.
“Are you trying to figure out a way to kill him without getting caught?” Brant asked quietly from beside him.
“How’d you know?”
“Because I’m trying to figure out the same thing. That man cannot live, Torben.”
I let out a resigned sigh. Brant was right. Even if we stopped Allete from marrying him, someone else would bear his wrath. Another innocent soul would suffer as a prisoner to his sick mind. Could we really leave him alive to torture someone else?
“No, he cannot,” I agreed.
“We agree the king of Tara will die.”
I nodded. “We are of one accord,” I answered formally.
Our words were not empty. Though our declaration, Brant an
d I had bound ourselves and our fate to one another in the accomplishment of a shared purpose. By our agreement, we had pledged together to kill Cathal, creating a binding oath that neither of us would abandon until our purpose was fulfilled.
We were silent after our declaration. With the decision made, all I could think about was the woman in the room behind me. Her sisters had left an hour ago. It worried me that being alone was not the best thing for Allete, but Dayna had assured me that Allete was going to be okay—she just needed time to process things. They knew their sister better than I did, though I hoped one day that would no longer be true. Regardless, I felt leaving anyone alone after such an assault could be dangerous.
As if my very thoughts had called out to her, I heard a desperate cry and the sound of something hitting the floor, hard. I turned to the door and grabbed the handle. “Do not let anyone come in this room for any reason,” I said to Brant, knowing my comrade would die to keep my orders from being disobeyed.
I pushed the door closed behind me and stood still for a moment, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness. The only light in the room was a weak flickering flame from a small lamp resting on a table near Allete’s bed. My eyes roamed over the bed, looking for the lump that would indicate Allete’s body was safely tucked in. The bed was empty. I felt my heart begin to race as my eyes jumped to every corner of the room. I’d just started in the direction of the bathing room when I heard her desperate pleas.
“Please make it stop,” her small voice sobbed.
Her voice came from the other side of the bed and I hurried over, only to freeze as I stared down at the beautiful princess who’d stolen my heart. I dropped to my knees and inched closer to her, my hands out in a placating gesture. My beautiful Allete was completely naked, the night gown she’d worn was ripped into shreds, and she was clawing at her neck, rubbing it raw.
“Princess,” I said softly, hoping I didn’t startle her. It appeared she didn’t recognize her surroundings. Her mind was not here with me, that was clear. She was back against that tree with Cathal’s hand around her throat, experiencing again his desecration of her body. She was in shock. I knew something like this might happen, but I didn’t realize it would be so bad.
“Princess,” I said again, slightly louder, as I moved closer. I gently placed my hand on her head and patted down her hair, attempting to soothe her. “Allete, love, please look at me.”
She froze, the only sound was the ragged breathing that was coming from her chest. I didn’t want to move. I felt like the slightest motion might cause her to lose all control. But I couldn’t just leave her sitting on the cold floor. Though I would willingly wait there with her for an eternity, I knew that she needed to be cleaned up, dressed, and put safely back into her bed. Mentally kicking myself, I finally spoke again.
“Allete, could you please look at me?”
It took her so long to respond that I didn’t think she’d heard me. But then her head turned slowly, and her eyes met mine.
I groaned. “Oh, precious one.” My heart crumbled in my chest as I looked into the eyes of my broken princess. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there to protect you.”
Silent tears slid down her face, and the fact that she still didn’t attempt to hide her nakedness told me she still wasn’t all there. Part of her was still lost.
“I can still feel him,” she whispered after several quiet minutes. “I can’t get the feel of him off me.” She scratched at her neck. With her head turned, I could see the damage she’d done to herself. Her soft skin was a bloody mess. She’d scratched until her beautiful flesh was raw and angry looking. Her arms too were covered with scrapes, as was the skin just above her breasts. She looked as though several angry cats had attacked her all at once. Her braided hair was coming loose, and her skin bore bruises in addition to the scratches. Those must have been the bruises left from Cathal’s rough treatment of her precious body. My blood boiled as I looked at her damaged flesh.
“Allete, will you let me help you? Do you want me to get your sisters?”
Her eyes widened at my question. “No,” she shook her head quickly. “Not my sisters. No. I don’t want them to see this.” She looked down at herself and covered her mouth to keep the sob inside. “Look what I’ve done,” she whispered. She was horrified and even disgusted with herself.
I wasn’t about to let that stand. “Princess, look at me.” She didn’t, so I used the voice I used when commanding my men. “Now.”
Her eyes snapped to mine, wide with fear and anguish.
“Let me help you.”
“But…” She started to argue, but I took one of her small hands in mine and shook my head at her.
“You will let me care for you. It is my honor, and you must let me do this. Understand?”
After several heartbeats, she finally shrugged. “It’s not like I could possibly humiliate myself any more. I’m sitting in the floor, naked, scratched all to hell.”
I stood up and snatched the sheet from her bed and draped it over her, covering her beautiful body. Then I helped her stand. Her legs were weak and shaky. I wasn’t about to let her fall, so I swept her easily up into my arms. She didn’t even make a sound. I carried her to the other side of the bed and set her down gently. “Will you be okay if I let you go?”
Her head shot up and the fear that gripped her was evident on her face. “Don’t leave. Please.”
I gently ran a finger across her jaw. “I wouldn’t dare. You’re stuck with me, Princess. I’m just going to start a fire,” I motioned to the fireplace on the far wall. “I need to heat up some water for you.” As if she was trying to convince herself that I was telling the truth, she simply stared into my eyes. Finally, she gave a single nod and released my arm.
I moved quickly and efficiently to get a fire started and then set a metal pitcher full of water down into the hot coals. I glanced at my charge and saw that she was playing with a piece of hair that had fallen forward. This gave me an idea, an appropriate action to kill the time while we waited for the water to heat. I walked over to her vanity and opened a drawer. A small hand mirror and brush sat neatly inside. I took the brush and walked over to her. I gently moved her forward and climbed into the bed behind her. She offered no resistance. I pulled Allete back toward me so she was sitting in between my legs. I pulled out the ties that held her hair in place and gently untwined the braid. The dark strands of hair ran through my fingers, feeling like a cascade of silk. For some reason, being allowed to touch her hair, to care for her in such a way, felt even more intimate to me than a kiss.
“Is this all right?” I asked her, not wanting to take liberties she wasn’t willing to give.
She sighed and let her head fall back. “It feels wonderful,” she answered a tad breathlessly. At least she wasn’t crying anymore. Her sobs had broken my heart.
“Your hair is beautiful. Just like the rest of you.”
She let out a un-lady like snort. “Yes, I’m sure I’m quite a sight to behold right now.”
“You are always a sight to behold, Allete. You light up a room when you walk into it. The fire in your eyes can dance with mirth, or cut down a person quicker than a sword. You hold yourself with confidence, yet there is no judgment in your eyes when you look at others. And you’re humble despite these things.” I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, but after having been treated the way Cathal had treated her, I felt it was important for her to know she was a woman of worth.
“I’m not really sure what to say to that,” she admitted.
“You don’t have to say anything, Princess. Just accept it as truth.”
“We are born into this world to parents who are full of hope. They want to see us succeed at anything and everything. They want us safe, healthy, and happy. But no matter how strongly they may want a thing, desire is not enough to make it so. Each of us must decide for ourselves what we want in this life. We have to choose to pursue our happiness, not just hope that what our mothers and fathe
rs want for us will suddenly happen.”
* * *
~Torben.
Torben—my personal guardsman—who I now knew was so much more than that, was brushing my hair while I wore nothing but a sheet. It sounded terrible when I thought about it. And it would certainly look terrible to an outsider. But the gesture was completely innocent on both of our parts. Regardless, I would never be able to admit that it had happened to anyone. I was sure my mother would faint where she stood if she happened upon us, and my sister Dayna would start singing a halleluiah chorus.
I myself was about to curl up in a ball and purr like a well-loved kitten. After having had Cathal’s repugnant hands and mouth on me, Torben’s hands were like a cleansing rain, washing away the filth of the memories that were attempting to overwhelm me. I had been sinking into the pit of my mind, sure that nothing would ever be the same again. Then he had come. Torben had come and rescued me, pulling me from the mire of my thoughts.
“What are you thinking about?” Torben asked as he stood and retrieved the pitcher he’d left heating in the fires’ embers. He poured the steaming water into a small wash basin and picked up a hand towel that was resting on the table beside my bed.
“I am thinking about how my mother would wilt like a dying flower, and my youngest sister would be planning the arrival of our first child if either were to walk into my chambers and see us in such a state,” I admitted.
He paused after wringing the water from the towel. “Yes, I imagine this would look rather damning, considering that under that flimsy fabric, you are as naked as the day you were born.”
The left-over tears that had been in my eyes were completely dry now. All it took to stop my sobbing, apparently, was a handsome warrior pointing out how unclothed I was beneath a sheet.
Torben sat down in front of me this time and reached up with the warm cloth. He pressed it to my face, and my eyes closed of their own accord as he began to wipe away the evidence of my break from reality. His touch was surprisingly gentle for such a large man. His hands were probably more familiar with handling a sword than a woman’s skin. But his movements were slow and confident. His face held a level of concentration that I knew from experience was not needed to accomplish such a simple task as wiping a face clean. But Torben seemed determined to do a thorough and proper job. My lips turned up in a small smile at my thoughts.