crowns reward.” (A single hand is raised and that belongs to Tillie Tyler).
Gimme More: “Point of Order, Mr Mayor. Tillie can’t vote for her own proposal. Surely, that’s not on? Besides, the best fox hunters won’t even get out of bed for one hundred. I say give them more reward!”
The Mayor: (Ignoring Gimme’s point of Order) “Hands up for Gimme More’s proposal of three hundred Crowns.” (About six hands are raised).
“Then, hands up for Joe Evens’ proposal of a five hundred Crown reward.”
(An overwhelming number of hands are raised making this latter proposal the clear favourite).
“That settles it then. Be it on your head as it will be on your rates. Five hundred Crowns reward is what we will post for the capture of Sleezy the Fox.”
Jane Butter: “But what does it matter if the reward is one hundred or five hundred Crowns, that’s what I want to know. The fox is too clever and shall still outsmart us. Haven’t we already done all we can do to catch it. We can’t do anything else surely or we would have already done it!”
Farmer Hans: (Turns to his wife, Gretta) “Just think, my dear. Five hundred Crowns for the capture of this one fox. That’s more money than I could earn in two years. We could certainly use such a tidy sum to improve our present circumstances. We could increase our livestock.”
Gretta: “Do you think you can do it, dear husband? Can you possibly succeed where all others have failed? The fox seems very clever.”
Farmer Hans: “It’s certainly clever; of that there is no doubt, but after all, dear wife, at the end of the day, it’s only a fox: and haven’t you always told me that I’m the cleverest fox catcher in the world?”
Gretta: “The reason you’ve caught more foxes than anyone else, dear husband, is your refusal to kill them on sight. It’s just the same when you go fishing; you always release your catch back into the river.”
Farmer Hans: “You know my views, Gretta. There’s no need to kill unless it’s absolutely necessary, and it rarely is. I’ll catch this fox and claim the large reward unless my name’s not Hans.”
Farmer Hans walks to the front of the assembled crowd to address them. He gathers his thoughts as he looks upon the angry crowd. Then he speaks to them in calm and measured words.
Farmer Hans: “Pray listen, good neighbours and give ear to one who has only recently come among you. My name is Farmer Hans. That lady is my wife, Gretta and those seven children over there belong to our union.”
“In my mother country, the country of my birth there are a great many foxes and my dealings with them over a number of years has met with modest success. I shall catch this fox that has blighted village life for so long now, this Sleezy. I shall catch him within the week and return here before seven days and nights have expired to claim the five hundred Crowns reward.”
Gilbert Grim: (Loud laugh of ridicule) “You, stranger! You catch this fox? Ha! Tell me, what chance has a stranger to these shores and a foreigner to our ways have of catching a thieving fox who’s escaped every snare and trap set for it over the past year? You’re off your foreign face, mate. You’ve lost a screw!”
Farmer Hans: “Like I said moments earlier, neighbour. Have the reward ready and I’ll return within the week with Sleezy the Fox to claim it.”
Gilbert Grim: (In a sneering tone of voice) “Yeh, yeh, ‘neighbour’. The only returning you’ll be doing in the near future is back to your own country with your tail between your legs. The only catching you’ll be doing is the next passage ship back home with your foreign wife, ‘Gretta’ and your large brood of foreign children.”
Gilbert Grim looked towards the rest of the assembled crowd and was inciting support for his ridiculing of Farmer Hans and his family. Having grown highly suspicious of all foreigners and newcomers to their village over the years, the majority of the crowd seem to side with Gilbert Grim’s comments.
Gilbert smiles broadly and bursts out into a nationalistic song and which he invites them all to join in the racist chorus:
“This country doesn’t need you,
We don’t want your type round here.
Get out - go home - your face don’t fit
Or get thrown out on your ear!”
The curtain comes down to end the scene and Act One. As the next scene is being prepared, the Narrator addresses the audience before curtain.
Act Two: Scene One
The Narrator: “Following that rowdy meeting, Farmer Hans left the Grand Hall, quietly confident that he would catch the fox before the next week was out. After all, he’d been born and bred in a country where there were a great many foxes and, over the years, he’d learned a great many clever ways of catching them. So now we have the cleverest fox in the world with the cleverest fox catcher in the world determined to catch it!”
“Farmer Hans wasn’t the type of man to underestimate the difficulty of his task. He recognised from the exploits told of Sleezy, the type of guile seen only in the cleverest of creatures. He realised that catching this particular fox would not be easy.”
“In fact, from all he’d heard about Sleezy, he recognised that he was now probably trying to catch the cleverest fox in the whole wide world. The gentle farmer hardly slept that night as he considered how best to catch the fox. He eventually decided upon his best plan and then fell asleep contented.”
“News rapidly spread around the village and surrounding villages about the strange farmer’s boast to catch the fox within the week and to claim the five hundred Crowns reward. Naturally, villagers were curious to see what this stranger intended to do to catch the fox that they’d all failed to do over the past year and they became very interested in Farmer Hans’ movements. The following morning when Farmer Hans and his wife emerged from his small farmhouse cabin, all the village nosey parkers were already positioned around the farm waiting to see what Farmer Hans would next do. Some were peeping through gaps in the hedge whilst others were simply gaping over the fence.”
The curtain is raised to reveal a scene outside the farm house of Farmer Hans. Farmer Hans and Gretta emerge from the farmhouse and walk towards the chicken coop positioned directly outside the farmhouse door.”
Beezy Body: (A big nosed villager) “Hush, everyone! Hush! They’re coming out now. Hush!”
Farmer Hans and Gretta move towards the chicken coop (Ignoring all the prying eyes around the farm).They lift up the hen hut and carry it away from the farmhouse into the field that separates the farm from the woodland where their four sheep graze. Both man and wife get to the middle of the field where they deposit the chicken coop. Then Farmer Hans and Gretta walk back inside their farmhouse. The spectators look on in sheer amazement.
Beezy Body: “Well, blow me down! Did you see that? Did you see that stranger break the cardinal rule of the Farmer’s Hand Guide? Nobody but a fool moves the chicken coop away from the safety of the farmyard and leaves his hens exposed to wild foxes in a faraway field ‘out of shotgun range’; nobody! Everyone who knows anything at all knows that......you silly man.”
Gilbert Grim: (In a gloating voice and jumping up and down in smug glee) “I told you! Didn’t I tell you so? Didn’t I say that the stranger was a foreigner to our ways and wouldn’t fit in with our customs?”
(Gilbert Grim yells after Farmer Hans) “Whatever leads you to think you’ll catch a thieving fox by making him a present of your hens. You’ll never catch the fox by making it easier for the vermin to snatch your hens while you sleep a mile away. You’re off your trolley stranger! You’re off your rocker!”
Justin Case: “Aye. The stranger’s off his rocker. He’s lost the plot!”
Gimme More: “And he’s lost his chickens to boot if he thinks he can leave them out here all night and expect to find anything but a few loose feathers in the morning! Let’s get off home. We’ve already wasted enough time here! We’ll not learn anything new about catching foxes here.”
The crowd start to disperse and the stage takes on the darkness of the night and the moon co
mes out. The farmhouse door opens to reveal Farmer Hans and Gretta. Farmer Hans is holding a sheep hide in one of his hands. In his other hand he is holding a sack and a length of cord.
Gretta: “Are you sure that the plan will work, dear husband? Will the hide be sufficient to disguise your presence among our small flock of four sheep? Won’t the fox smell your presence?”
Farmer Hans: (Placing the sheep hide over his head) “Fear not, Gretta. The hide still carries the aroma of its previous inhabitant as it is not yet tanned. Besides, the fox’s nose will be guided more by its belly and will be concentrated on the smell of feathered chicken in the coop and not the smells from the sheep pen. By the time it’s got wind of my presence, I’ll have it bagged!”
“You go back inside, dear wife and get your beauty sleep. It’s likely to be a long night. Don’t worry. By morning I’ll have caught the fox if it shows. Good night, dear wife.”
Gretta: “Good night, dear husband.”
As Gretta returns inside the farmhouse, Farmer Hans moves towards the other four penned sheep beyond the chicken coop where he patiently waits. As midnight approaches and the moon comes out, the shadow of a fox appears on the woodland’s edge. It is Sleezy on his nightly chicken raid. The fox spies the chicken coop in its vulnerable field position.
Sleezy the Fox: “Well, well! Fancy that! What a silly place to leave a chicken coop; unprotected in the middle of an open field and a good half mile from the farmhouse. Not a farmer in sight, only five silly penned sheep. What a steal! What a Plonker that farmer must be, positioning his hens out of shotgun range of the farmhouse!”
“I’ve had a tiring day today, so I’m not going to warn them of my presence tonight. Tonight, I’m going to use all my quiet skills. I’m going to sneak up there as quiet as I can and grab my supper. Indeed, I’ll be so quiet that not even those silly sheep will be aware of my presence as I pass their pen. I’ll slip past the sheep, enter the coop ever so quietly as the chickens sleep, select the fattest fowl and be out of there and back to the woods as quick as a rabbit runs down a bolt hole!”
As Sleezy sneaks up on the chicken coop, he passes the five sheep in the pen and his nose begins to twitch.
Sleezy the Fox: “Do.... do I smell human being as well as feathered chicken and mutton? I must look in that hut before I enter, just in case there’s a farmer there waiting to blow my head off!”
As Sleezy peeps inside the chicken coop and sees only feathered chicken there, he looks around to decide which is the fattest bird to steal. The smell of the feathered chicken becomes so powerful in the fox’s nostrils that Sleezy never smells Farmer Hans creeping up on him, before it’s too late. As farmer Hans approaches the fox from behind ever so quietly, he opens his sack and places it over the unsuspecting fox’s head ever so quickly. He pulls the cord tightly around the wriggling sack and smiles triumphantly as he throws the sack over his shoulder and walks back to his barn on the farm with his catch.
Farmer Hans: (Jubilant voice) “Gotcha, Buster! Gotcha!”
His wife hears movement in the farmyard and emerges in her nightdress to see.
Gretta: “There you are dear husband. I couldn’t sleep with you out there wrapped in that smelly hide. Did your plan work and did you catch the wild fox?”
Farmer Hans: “Didn’t I tell you to have no fear, dear wife and that all would work in our favour. Yes, I caught the fox as planned. Before he could manage to poke his nose inside the hen hut, I’d sneaked up on him from behind and bagged the blighter. It looks like his nights of chicken raids and sheep killing have come to an abrupt end. He’s bagged up in the barn overnight. I’ll take the fox into the village tomorrow at daybreak and claim the five hundred Crowns reward.”
Farmer Hans and his wife Gretta are overjoyed with having caught the fox that they sing and dance around the farmyard in celebratory stride. As they dance, Farmer Hans triumphantly sings the song, ‘Gotcha!’ When the song is finished, the couple retire inside the farmhouse and the curtain comes down to end the scene. As the next scene is being prepared, the Narrator appears before curtain to address the audience.
Act Two: Scene Two
The Narrator: “The next morning, Farmer Hans prepares to take the captured fox into the village and claim his reward. He enters the barn, places the sack back over the fox’s head, fastens it securely and hoists the sack up on his back to carry it into the village. It is precisely seven days since Farmer Hans said he would catch the fox and return within the week.”
“As the gentle farmer approaches the village with the wriggling sack, word of his successful mission is relayed ahead. By the time that Farmer Hans arrives at the Grand Hall, a large crowd has assembled to warmly welcome him.”
The curtain is raised to reveal a crowded Grand Hall scene. Farmer Hans is stood at the front alongside the Mayor. Stood on its hind legs and bagged securely is a wriggling sack that Farmer Hans is firmly grasping.
The Mayor: (Spoken in an authoritive tone of voice) “Hush! Hush everyone. Farmer Hans has something very important to say. Pray listen to our good neighbour.”
Farmer Hans: “One week ago today, I told you that I would catch the fox that has evaded you all for so long. I said that I would catch Sleezy the Fox and return here within the week and claim my reward. Here is Sleezy. I claim the five hundred Crowns reward.”
The Crowd: (Loud cheers of celebration and congratulations) “Hear, hear! Three cheers for Farmer Hans. Hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hurrah! Hip, hip, hurrah for the cleverest fox catcher in the whole of Transylvania.”
Gilbert Grim: (Jealous response) “Hang on there! Just hang on there a minute! Hold your horses and don’t jump the gun! Let’s not be too hasty in handing out our unqualified praise to a stranger we hardly know until we’ve set eyes on his prize capture. Have him show us all what’s in that sack before you so much as give him a penny reward. For all we know it could be any wriggling old worm.... or even an accomplice with a tale as long and as false as the one the farmer’s already spun! Make him open up the sack fully and reveal Sleezy the Fox before you take the stranger’s word as Gospel.”
Voice from the Crowd: “Aye. Show us the catch, stranger. Remove the sack and show us the creature!”
Farmer Hans: (Removes the sack from the fox’s head and reveals a very frightened Sleezy) “There’s your proof if my word be not good enough for some of you. There is Sleezy, the fox I said I’d catch. He’s the fox who has blighted your lives for almost two years. He’s the culprit. I now claim my reward.”
The Mayor: (Hands Farmer Hans a large bag of coins) “It looks like our good neighbour, Farmer Hans speaks the truth and is as good as his word. We must now be as good as ours. The reward is rightly his and I give him it most gladly on behalf of everyone in Marfield Village. Now, put the captured fox in a cage and leave it displayed in the Grand Hall while we rejoice. In three days' time, we shall reconvene here and decide its fate. I now declare a three day holiday from work and school. Three cheers for our good neighbour, Farmer Hans. Hip, hip, hip, hip, hurrah!”
Sleezy is manhandled into an iron-barred cage, which is locked and left in public display in the Grand Hall for the next three days and nights while the villagers wine, dine, dance and make merry. As villagers pass the caged fox, most wave their fists menacingly at the captured creature and make threatening remarks.
The Mayor: “Now eat, drink and be merry, my friends. Fiddlers, strike up the music and let’s dance. Today be Monday. On Thursday next, we decide the fox’s fate. Meanwhile, let us rejoice. Rejoice! The fox is caught! Rejoice!”
All start to wine, dine dance and be merry. At every opportunity, villagers pat Farmer Hans on the back and congratulate him once more for catching the fox; that is, all except Gilbert Grim, who is looking very sour faced. Nearby, locked inside his cage, Sleezy starts to cry. Farmer Hans sees Sleezy shed a tear and at that precise moment, he knows that the fox he so cleverly caught does not deserve to die.
Harem Scarem: (Waves his fist menacingl
y at Sleezy) “Just you wait, you.... you thieving vermin! Your time’s coming soon and you’ll be in for a shock when you learn what we’ve got in store for you. We’ll string you up and feed your entrails to the dogs. You just wait. We’ll have you crying out to be put out of your misery or my name’s not Harem Scarem.”
Card Carrier: The celebrations start to die down and a card carrier crosses the stage carrying a card that allows the audience to read, ‘Three days later’, representing the passing of time.
Sleezy the Fox: (Frightened voice fearing the worse) “Oh, deary me! If only......If only I’d stayed away from those hen huts and not got hooked on feathered chicken. I don’t know what possessed me. I wish...... I wish I’d never seen a feathered chicken in my life or even given a silly sheep the run around for a laugh. I feel sick. What do the mob intend to do with me? Oh, deary me!”
The Grand Hall begins to fill up with villagers and it rapidly increases in noise and activity.
The Mayor: “Gather round, good people! Gather round! I’ve assembled you here once again so that we can decide the fate of the captured fox, Sleezy, now that the festivities are over. What say you.........what’s to be done with the caged creature?”
Tom the Tanner: “Tar and feather him and run the vermin out of town; that’s what I say!”
Molly Gates: “Stick him in a tub of ice-cold water upside down and let Tom the Tanner tan him hell for leather and leave him there until the critter stops wriggling.”
Gilbert Grim: “Hack off his feet. Hack all four off and he’ll never do another runner with any of our birds!”
Bert the Butcher: “Cut him up into small pieces and feed him to the pigs!”
Bessie Cox: “Crucify the chicken thief. Hang him from the highest tree as an example to all thieving vermin, and after the crows have pecked out his eyes, we’ll roast his sorry hide over a fire like he did to our fattest hens!”
All the Villagers: (Chanting in mounting angry voices) “Kill the fox! Kill the fox! Kill the fox!”
Tillie Tyler: “What does Farmer Hans say we do with the fox? He hasn’t spoken yet and surely, having caught the creature, we ought to hear what he thinks the fox’s fate should be and the manner of its dispatchment from this world. That’s what I think. Let Farmer Hans decide as he caught the fox.”
The Mayor: “Hold on everyone. Tillie here has reminded us that we’ve not yet heard from Farmer Hans. She also proposes that we let our good neighbour decide the fox’s fate. Hands up if you agree with