Anita patted her arm. “When we get back to the surface, I will make sure that we speak for him and celebrate him properly. One day you can thank him yourself. It’s part of why we hope.”
When she left, Lilly pulled out her diary.
I’m done with secrets. I had a really rough day. I found out or, more truly, finally remembered that . . . I am scared to even write it ’cause then it would be more real. I got fixed, like I was a dog or something, sterilized, and I don’t even know who did it.
Anita told me she can’t have kids either. I guess that’s why I can write about it. I am SO SAD for her and for me, and I can’t stop crying. I am so angry, but most of the time I don’t feel anything, like I’m numb. I want to cut myself ’cause I don’t feel anything. I don’t do it but I want to feel and I get scared when I’m numb that I’m never going to feel anything again. I do feel my snakebit arm. It really hurts.
Maybe I need the ice under my feet to break so I can just fall through and disappear. Oh God, even if I am totally insane, would you come and find me? I think I really want to be found, by You, not just by the others.
I went back to the place where John stored all my belongings and that’s when all my memories came back. Maybe not all, but lots, too many all at once. Then I spilled my guts to Anita.
But I think I know what I have to do now. It seems clear for the first time. Simon is right, I can change the world. But I can’t do it as Lilly. Lilly was a little girl who died a long time ago, a weak and broken and powerless thing who deserves to be left in peace. It’s time for me to make a new truth for myself, to give myself a new name and a new destiny. So, I choose Lilith, because Simon believes in her. The truth of who I am is that I am Lilith.
Fifteen
* * *
LILITH
Once she had made up her mind, everything, including the turmoil that had been raging in her heart, settled down. When she wheeled herself into the living area, John stood leaning against a wall and staring out into the ocean, its ebb and flow hypnotically moving the sea plants in a constant dance with tides and currents. Food was on the table, waiting.
Parking herself next to him, she broke the silence. “What are you thinking?” she asked.
“Hmm?” He didn’t turn toward her. Some inner conversation played across his furrowed features. “You’ve experienced profound losses for someone so young,” he began. “I’ll probably never understand why the human soul has such an insatiable need to remember and revisit its tragedies.”
“Anita told you?”
He raised one hand to stop her and slowly lowered it again when she fell quiet.
“For my part,” he continued, his voice heavy with sadness, “some days, I feel my duty is to add more burden to your troubles, to poke at your pain. It wears me to the bone. I don’t like it, and my dislike grows in direct proportion to my deepening affection for you.”
Lilly reached up and touched his arm, a gesture she had never made. “You care about me?”
“Yes.” He stated it matter-of-factly, still looking out at the flowing seaweed. “For me this has been completely unexpected. Apparently relationship has a life of its own and doesn’t have regard for history or agenda or necessity. It’s annoying. But it’s also a gift, a joy even. A conundrum, as they say.”
He took a deep breath and slowly let it out, a sigh of the soul. “So, yes, I care, and it clouds my judgment.” He pursed his lips as if to keep them from spilling even more.
“Then stop,” she offered, only partly sarcastically. “I’m not used to anyone caring about me. It feels weird. And like you said, it complicates everything.”
“If only it were that easy. I’ve tried to stop, to convince myself you’re just a mission I must manage. But it’s no use.”
She laughed so easily that it surprised her. “I can’t believe it. You’ve been trying to like me less?”
He glanced at her and barely smiled. “It seemed the safer road.”
“Believe me”—she laughed again—“roads are rarely what they appear to be and are not predictable. Maybe safe is about the company you keep and not about the road you take?”
He glanced again, surprised. “Now that is wisdom not earned easily,” he acknowledged. “Thank you for that. We’d all do better to remember that.”
Not sure how to respond, she announced with a sardonic tone, “Well, if it’s any help, I do not particularly care for you. You’re a curiosity, but I don’t like you any more than I dislike you.” She was not telling the truth and she suspected he knew.
“Hmm.” He looked up and then, a minute later, back at her. “That’s of no help whatsoever. Hasn’t diminished one iota how deeply I feel about you.”
She let go her touch as an unexpected fear ambushed her.
“You’re not trying to tell me that you’re in love with me, are you?”
“Heavens no!” he reacted. “In love? Like a romantic attraction where the knees go all buckley and you become a rather useless human being? That kind of in love? No, nothing like that.”
“Good!” She sighed. “That would have weirded me out! Not that somebody couldn’t be in love with you, but not you and me. You’re old . . . ish, at least forty or fifty, right?” She gave him a grimace to emphasize her disgust.
“Whew.” He laughed. “Glad we got that clarified,” he teased, “and you are right. I am at least forty or fifty years old, and you just a baby.”
“I’m not a baby!” she declared firmly. “I am a strong young woman!”
“And stubborn.” He smiled again, but as he returned to looking out the window, his expression faded.
“Why so sad, John?”
“Because I already knew. I knew what they did to your body but didn’t know how to tell you. The gift of bearing a child was taken from you long before the tragedy that brought you here, and even with all our skills we were unable to restore that. I am deeply, deeply sorry.”
“Me too,” she said. “Right now I just feel numb. Probably better that way.”
“Perhaps,” agreed John. “Grief is strange. Like joy it catches us by surprise, sideways and unexpected. Part of the rhythms of this life, part of being human.”
“Is everybody broken, John? Is everybody grieving?”
“It’s hard to be in this world long and not encounter loss. It’s the thing we most have in common. Like your soul, the cosmos is broken into pieces. But listen.” John faced her and squatted next to her chair. “Lilly, if you participate in your own healing, you open possibilities for creation to be restored as well.”
“Me? My healing? Does everything depend on me?”
John seemed surprised and knelt next to her. “Everything depends on each of us, because each of us matters. We are all created in Adonai. In Him we are all connected one to the other, whether we acknowledge it or not.”
Someone cleared his throat, and when Lilly looked, she saw Simon standing near the entryway. She wondered how long he had been there, how much he had heard. John stood and nodded a greeting.
“Excuse me,” Simon said. “I was just coming to see how you were doing. I understand I missed some excitement earlier.”
“I’m feeling better, thank you!” offered Lilly. And it was true. Although she was still aware of the fever and infection, she felt it might have slowed.
She expected Simon to be glad to hear the news, but instead he looked perplexed. Lilly turned back to John, who was still lost in his own thoughts.
“John? I think I’m ready to go back to work, to witness what I’m here to see.”
The man took a deep breath and smiled at her. She hated to deceive such kindness. The reminder of who she truly was, a lying manipulator, made her stomach turn. She let none of that show on her face.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea, Lilly,” he began. “You do seem a little better, but you’re exhausted. I think the cosmos can grant an extra day of rest. If it all explodes, then so be it. I care more for you than I do the destiny of our pla
net.”
Completely fooled! This was her first thought. His words bounced off her like a pebble off a brass shield. If he really knew the truth of me, he’d discard me in an instant.
What could she do but acquiesce, to play the game of submitting to his guidance? “Are you going to eat anything?” she asked.
“Not today,” he answered. “I may take a little water later. But you should. Then get some rest. I have a sense about tomorrow that I can’t seem to shake, almost a foreboding. I am trying to get some clarity but that too might have to wait. Anita and Gerald have already taken their meals in their room.” John leaned down and hugged Lilly longer than usual, almost as if to say good-bye. He kissed her on the forehead, then left toward his quarters.
Although it wasn’t needed, Simon rolled her toward the table. “He’s naïve and sentimental, or worse,” he asserted, when John was out of earshot. “No one loves like that, unless they have a reason. Lilith, you’re not falling for any of that, are you?”
“Of course not,” she responded.
“It’s sickening,” Simon continued, “how they all are using you, each for their own purposes. John’s the worst of all.”
“How can you say that? He’s given up everything for me—his home, his privacy, probably his money—”
“He hasn’t given up a thing. This Refuge is his little kingdom, and you’re the pawn who will solidify his power. You can’t begin to imagine the authority he will possess when he owns the actual record of Beginnings. All of them stand to gain, can’t you see? They’ll be able to influence the whole world and craft mythology that suits them. Lilith, they are here to use you. You can’t let them.”
Lilly was surprised. “Do you really think he’s using me for his own gain?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Simon sat down next to her and began choosing foods to pile onto her plate. “Haven’t you noticed the hushed conversations he’s always having with the others? They stop talking when I come near. They’re plotting something, and I guarantee it is not in your best interests.”
Lilly picked at the food, her appetite gone and inner turmoil returned. “And what is your agenda? Why are you here? Do you have my best interests at heart, Simon?”
The man stopped and looked at her, putting down his knife and fork before speaking. “No, Lilith, I do not have your best interests at heart. At least I admit it, not like the others, who are lying through their teeth.”
Simon took her hand. His skin was unexpectedly cold and clammy but still felt good against her fever. “I do want good for you, but I confess I’m interested in you for my own reasons.”
“What are those?”
“Lilith, if you really are the Witness who can change history, you may be able to bring my wife back to me.”
“But, Simon, I thought you said she is dead!”
“Not to me, she’s not. I said she is in a better place. She is in my every waking moment and in my dreams at night. She comes to me and I can’t hold her or even touch her. She was my everything and I had lost my hope until I met you. You, Lilith, have given me the courage to live and hope again. Together, you and I, we’ll change the world.”
Lilly was stunned. Was Simon’s affection for his wife true love or craziness? She couldn’t quite decide. But the romance of it appealed to her, the thought that someone could one day love her like Simon loved his wife.
“How?” she asked, frustrated. “I wasn’t able to stop Adam. He turned before I understood what was happening.”
“I agree,” said Simon. “But you can still stop her.”
“Her? Who? You mean Eve? Stop her from what?”
Standing up, Simon began to pace around the room, clasping and unclasping his hands. “I’ve said too much. She has to make real choices for this to work, but if I say too much, then she may be coerced, and nothing will ever change.” He wasn’t even talking to her but rambling through thoughts as if they were calculations. “But perhaps if I say just enough, then the rest will fall into place. That’s it!” He rushed back to her side and dropped into his chair.
“You must go back tonight!” he declared, putting his hand on her arm. She winced, recoiling deeper into her chair as if it might offer protection. His odd behavior had caught her off guard and she was afraid.
“Go where?”
“To the garden. You must witness, tonight.”
“But—”
“Everyone is in their rooms. We can do this!”
“Do what? You haven’t told—”
“Wait, there is something else that you must do first.”
“What?” She was almost afraid to ask.
“You must look into the mirror again. It’s the only way.”
“I can’t, Simon, don’t make me do that, please.”
“Lilith.” He knelt before her chair and folded his hands on her knees. “Can’t you see? This is the only way. Not only will the mirror reinforce the truth of who you are and why you are here, it will empower you to be substantial and present in the garden. It will give you the ability to participate, to do something! It’s the mirror that empowers you to change things, to change history. You must trust it and what you see in it. Please!”
In a crazy sort of way, Simon was right. She had been more tangible in Eden after being stabbed by the mirror.
Wait—was it the mirror or the snakebite that had made this happen? Which had empowered her? She couldn’t recall Simon’s words exactly. Regardless, the mirror and snake seemed to be connected, so it probably didn’t matter. More important, she had made the decision to take control of her destiny as Lilith, and Simon was presenting a way to do just that.
“Okay, the mirror is still in my room in the dresser. But I’m not putting my hand in there.”
“I will get it for you.”
As he wheeled her toward her room, another question occurred to her. “Simon, did you take the ring and key?”
“No! I have no need of either one. I hardly even saw them.” He sounded certain and Lilly believed him.
Simon quickly found the mirror, still hidden in its covering, and handed it to Lilly. “How many times have you touched the stone?” he asked.
“Twice,” she responded. “That was enough.”
“Well tonight, you have to touch it three more times—not four, but not fewer than three.”
“Three times!” she exclaimed, and Simon put his finger to his mouth to quiet her. “Three times?” she whispered. “This thing really hurts.”
“Anything really worth doing is going to be painful,” he asserted.
“Great!” she muttered. “If that’s true, my whole life has been worth it.”
“Three times. Four is too many.”
“Simon, how do you know any of this? How do you know that I must look in the mirror to change history? How do you even know that four touches is too many?”
He hesitated. “My wife, Karyn, she touched it six times.”
Lilly dropped the mirror into her lap. “This thing killed your wife? And you want me to touch it? Are you crazy?”
“No, no, you have it all wrong. The mirror didn’t kill her, but it was with her the last time I saw her. When we found her, she was just a body with no one left inside. The real Karyn was gone, and she didn’t come back. She had pushed the stone six times.”
“And you expect me . . .”
“What happened to Karyn has nothing to do with you. I warned her. I warned her that the mirror was not for her. She wasn’t a Witness. This mirror is for you! But now Karyn’s sacrifice means something. But because of her I now have answers for you. You are the Witness who can change things.”
Lilly slowly removed the mirror from its sheath and looked at it. As before, it was a swirling gray mass of shifting cloud, constantly moving but forming nothing.
“You said Karyn went to a better place.”
“I don’t know exactly where that is. When I see her in my dreams, she doesn’t know me but seems happy.”
Lilly held h
er right thumb above the red stone.
“Wait!” Simon commanded. Relieved, Lilly pulled back. “Remember three, not four. But if I understand how this works, three will be enough to give you authority to stay where you choose.”
“So if I choose to stay in Eden?”
“Then you would stay as long as you want and not return. That is how you would be enfolded into history and change the world.”
The sheer magnitude of what he had said took her breath away. Lilly didn’t want this power. But Lilith did.
It was Lilly who spoke. “Shouldn’t we tell John and the others?”
“We can’t. They would never allow you to take this risk. They are here to get what they need from you. ”
“And you, Simon, tell me again, what are you here for?”
“I am here to serve you, and if possible to find Karyn.”
Without another thought Lilith pushed her thumb down on the stone. Pain shot through her arm and into her shoulder, as if she had grabbed an ember from a fire. The stone absorbed her blood and the surface of the glass began to change. She thrust her thumb a second time, and the pain traveled farther, all the way down her other arm and descending toward her legs. Lilly gasped but controlled herself. A third time she pressed the stone, and this time the pain was so intense she felt as if she were coming apart at her seams. The fire was everywhere, in her feet and in her hair, every nerve and brain cell in agony, so intense she couldn’t even scream.
Unable to resist, she looked into the glass. Looking back at her was the most hideous creature imaginable. Her face was rotting off, her eyes were yellow and oozing, her lips forming curses. She was looking at everything she feared most, a disgusting piece of damaged goods to be sold to the highest bidder. But behind the ugliness she could see the truth: she had never been deserving of real love; she was a mistake, an accident, a used-up piece of trash. Not good enough, not smart, not beautiful, and not even a woman. Strangely, that useless, shame-filled visage also gave her power.