****
We both travelled across the other romantic worlds for some time, and then came back to reality. I thought in mind never to ask him things like this anymore, because the words of this romantic idiot caused my body to secrete the love hormone in excess.
After some days we found few oak trees which were grown over that place. We went near them and we both etched our names and our loved ones' names in a tree. We wished that someday we should take our loved ones there to show the love we really possessed towards them. Sakthi was indeed more romantic than me, might be more romantic than anyone in this world.
We often went to that place and looked at those names we etched over the tree. And we wished that our marriage boards should also carry the same names etched over there. Only that place relieved us from the haunting memories of our girls.
FIRE IN THE FOREST AND RAIN IN THE DESERT:
Few days went I came to know about the other thing Sakthi loves very much. It was the poetry. He was really a genius because he knew most of the good, famous poems and other love poems reading those would cause anyone to fall in love. One such day we both discussed about how our love for our girls have changed our lives.
We sat on that shore where usually no one comes because of the huge population of the snakes in that shore. He expressed all his emotions in a beautiful poem which I could never forget. And his poem was,
Sometimes whenever I feel disturbed
Her thoughts make me feel peaceful
Sometimes whenever I feel lively
Her thoughts make me feel deserted
Sometimes whenever I feel happy
Her thoughts do feel sad
Sometimes whenever I worry
Her thoughts make me joyous
Her thoughts sometimes bring the rain in my desert
And it sometimes brings the fire in my forest
Whatever it may be, until her thoughts are with me
My soul will be breathing somewhere in this world.”
I understand how the love tree has made its roots deep into his soul.
Sakthi, wished in his life to become a poet. I believed that someday he would really become a great poet because I had studied many of his poems. And I always admired his poetic skills that might be gifted to him because of the love he possessed towards his girl.
ANYTHING SPECIAL TODAY:
Since then, began our second year semester exams I and Sakthi were hardly aware of that. We messed with the dates of the exam and we gave a conclusion to the confusion that exams might be on some other day. We both went for a night show then returned to the hostel and because of tiredness we went to sleep.
Sakthi woke me up early in the morning and said
“Today is semester exam da”.
“Why haven’t you said this yesterday” I asked him, angrily.
“Just now Sathyan said to me” he answered.
I then slept again. I woke at my habitual time of 8’o clock. When I got ready it was already ten minutes late to enter the exam hall, so I rushed into the exam hall. I got the question paper and I was eager enough to know what the exam was. As I wished the exam was not an easy one it was fully problematic one, which was favourable for Sakthi. He had the talent even to derive the question from the last step of an answer. So Sakthi would hit the ball outside the fence, but I was afraid that whether I would correctly meet the ball at least.
I smiled at myself thinking how my days have changed. Once I cried even if I wrote a one-word question wrong but then I came to know the name of the exam only after entering the exam hall.
Love would do miracles, especially in the studies and exams. After I left the exam hall I realised that I would surely fail because of a silly mistake. The silly mistake was that I forgot to study for that exam.
FRIENDSHIP BITES:
Then second year of our college ended. Once we said to each other that we both like to see each other’s house. And as we wished we decided to go to each other’s house our both houses were more or less same we both belong to the middle class. So we had enough money and enough contentment in our lives.
Sakthi had lost his father during his seventh standard. His younger brother and his mother were not much worried for his departure by then. Might because, they had practiced to live their normal lives after his departure in these seven years. His mother was also affectionate like my mother and in his home I never found a difference between my own houses. Though I refused, his mother filled my plate with all the stuffs she prepared.
When I said that to him, he said
“Don’t shy da. Eat for your stomach da. I know your capacity”…
Those were called the friendship-bites. Thinking to give the same bite during the time he would come to my home I ate all the stuffs.
Two days later, I dragged him to my home. As I thought my mother stuffed his plates. I repeated the same friendship-bite to him.
After that he went back to his home, our holidays ended.
The second year of college gave us a bundle of memories. Then we started our third year. But during that time everyone was busy in the social networking sites. In those sites they just chatted and expressed all their problems. If they didn’t have any problems, they created their own problems and updated them to get some comments and likes. We first searched whether our loved ones might also have an account in them. But we were unlucky at that time. Our girls didn’t have any account on those sites during that time. If our girls too had an account then we would have pinned all our times on the wall of all those sites.
MISSING A MISS:
Sakthi told me that after speaking with one of his close friends that he had got her phone number and the address of the place where she was residing.
He said,
“Love favours the brave” I was brave enough to the place where she was living now. I saw her without her knowledge and returned back.”
I wondered then how come he can call himself as a brave while he was afraid to speak with her.
He said all those to me and advised me to seek help from other school friends who know about her. As soon as he said about a school friend Syed’s name sparkled into my brain like an electric current.
Soon as our second year started I said everything to Syed I told him that how I have fallen in love with her. He tried his most and at last he got and gave her phone number and e-mail id to me. I was very much happy for the moment I felt as if I have got her.
But that happiness didn’t last long when Syed told me that she had actually chosen “civil engineering”. And the college she had chosen was so far from my college.
I would have typed those ten numbers in my phone for more than hundred times but I wasn’t courageous enough even to give a missed call to her. That was mainly because I was afraid I should not annoy her and I was dared that she might not become mine. So I thought it would be better to enjoy these days believing that she would also be in love with me. My entire mind whispered one thing often that,
“She is playing hide and seek with you, she will come as soon as the game ends”
It has been so long since I have seen her
I have even forgotten her face,
The words she spoke with me,
But I feel every day as same like
The days that I have spent with her,
Because when I think of those days in which
She was near me, it feels like
I am living the same day once again
Though she went far I never miss her
Because even when I close my eyes before the sleep
I could feel her in myself….
All I missed is the chance of missing her.
/> Though I haven’t spoken to her much, never have held her arms with mine, never have kissed her cheeks, I felt her as my beloved.
A BEAUTIFUL HAPPENING:
Yes I was not indeed worried about missing her but I was really worried of another thing. I worried that she might never know the part she had been playing in my thoughts and dreams. She might never realise the life she was living with me without her knowledge.
That week ended I went home and I was waiting at the bus stop to return to my college.
As usual I got a window-seat in the bus and I thought…
After I had fallen in love with her
she had become a part of mine
And losing her is like losing a part of mine
Because of that I am living a handicapped life right now
Thinking of this, causes tears in my eyes
Yet in the midst of crying arises smile in my lips
While thinking of the fact that,
My tear drops mingled with the breeze
Will reach her heart someday as the air she breath Expressing my love towards her
I was very much worried that my love might go unsaid. There is nothing more hurtful in this world when you came to know that the one you love is also in love with you. But both failed to express and when you were aware of this, the time forbids you to embrace each other. After returning from my home I said the same to Sakthi.
And Sakthi also feared that his love may go unsaid. He was very much afraid that if he goes on procrastinating to express his love towards her, then some day she might become some other’s possession.
Discussing that, we went to the temple as our heart started to pain thinking of those.
He said to me that in all these days he was feeling as if he was doing something wrong
“I love her, it wasn’t my fault
If she doesn’t love me then it wasn’t going to be her fault
Those weren’t the love’s fault either
Because to do the fault love is not a commitment
It is just a happening,
In the normal life of ourselves
Making our souls feel as if living beyond the life”
And I was surprised to hear from him that he was going to propose her that day. I wished him good luck as soon as he said that to me.
In the temple, he prayed for a longer time than the usual so I asked him
“Are you praying to make your love successful?”
“Yes, I prayed to make both of our love stories to be successful and give a happy ending to both of them” he retorted to me.
And he bade goodbye to me saying that he would be returning with glad news the next day. I wished the same from my heart.
WHERE YOU WENT YOUR MOTHER WAS SEARCHING:
And in the next morning I rushed to the beach as soon as I heard the news from my other friends. There was a huge crowd in the beach milling the police men. I went to that place. He laid there still with a letter his hands. I was dumb folded for a moment. I said to the police men that I was the roommate of him. I went near him and took the letter from his hand. And I started reading his letter which was titled as
” My last lost dream” contained the following
I never thought anything more important than you
All I thought is to sacrifice my life for your happiness
Everyone believed this as love but
I felt this, as something more than that
I believed nothing could divide us
Until the day you said no
I wondered how this could happen to me, but when happened
My heart cried like the baby who doesn’t know anything
Since it believed only tears could lessen its weight
Yet I never blame you for this, how I could
But if God was in front of me
I would have pelted the stones at him
Because all my prayers to him was ignored
He made me to love you
Only because one day he wanted to take you away from me
After you left I went and hugged the oak tree
In which I had written the names of the both
Everywhere all my eyes could see
Is the image of thee
But my hands couldn’t catch them
I chased them then, ended to sleep on the beach
After a few moments I can’t believe that
I realized that I was in a temple
Surrounded by all our relatives and
The music of the marriage eve was hitting my ears
I was sitting there as the groom with the auspicious thread in my hands
You were there, near me as the bride
I felt as if I attained the whole world
I will never open my eyes anymore, because
I knew if I open my eyes all these things will go
After reading these pathetic lines, I wailed and moaned for a long time. I took the poison bottle from his hand and kept that inside my pocket. I was angry with God because if he had created everyone to love someone then he should have given them the person whom they love the most. Was he a rude illiterate who never knew the value of the book named love?
A rose that blossomed with his girl’s gaze, watered by her thoughts, at last wilted and withered, unknown to the girl herself, the rose was nothing other than his heart.
I knew if Sakthi had not gone too earlier he would have become a renowned poet. I always admired his poems and I knew that, this poem was going to be the last one to be admired. He had gone too far in seeking the place from which his love for his girl had come from. And to write the poems he was no more available.
After an hour his mother and his younger brother arrived there. At that time he had brought me and his mother together to the place where he has gone. He made ourselves to console each other for the grief he had given us to the remembrance that he had gone too far to the place somewhere. Then I went near her mother to be a support for her, she actually fainted at the very moment she saw her knight laying still. After some time when she became normal she sobbed and mourned continuously making my grief to be cumulatively multiplied in quadruples. At the end of that most painful day I explained the whole thing to her when she asked me about that.
She said to me
“Last week, Praveen told me that he loves a girl so much and he wanted to be with her till the end of his life. I warned him in that very moment”.
She cursed the girl he loved and she lamented to me that his love came as the nemesis to him. And when I was about to depart she moaned by holding my arms that
“If I was known these are the things that are going to happen, then I would have never let him go”
Hearing those made tears run down my cheeks. I consoled her by saying that I was there for her as the son.
IF NOT SHE THEN NO ONE:
Three days later I returned to my home. I cried and told my mother everything about that fatal incident.
My mother found me something unusual. She asked
“Why was Sakthi idiotic like that … is she the only girl to her… all these because of that silly thing?”
“What was that silly thing you are saying about?” I asked her
I understood why parents hate the love, because it sometimes took their lovely kids away from them…
“Do you love someone? If so, then say to us first, don’t hide anything from us”
I should have said “YES” to her but I didn’t. Something prevented me. If I had proposed to her then I would have said those to my mother, but I haven’t even proposed her…Even she didn’t knew the part that she plays in my life. I wished let not any one in this world could b
e aware of my love. I wished that let my love go unsaid if she would say no her. Let all believe that I was not having any pain or love. And the pain be within myself sleeping inside the blanket of love, I decided. I thought it wasn’t the right time to explain my love story to my mother.
Then she asked “Hasn’t her mother aware that his son loves some girl…”
I was stunned for a moment “some mothers don’t “, I told her desperately.
“At least to me you or he should have said about those things… You were still young chicks. You won’t know the life’s ups and downs…”
“What would have you done if we have told you about that?” I asked her,
“I would never have let him find this wrong path” she answered
I didn’t know why mother was continuously asking about him. Might be because she once offered food to him, in which she also mixed some of the affection for him. She then felt very sad for his demise and advised me to visit his home often, so that his mother could have some satisfaction by seeing me.
After that my mother understood that I was very much worried about that. Then she told me some beautiful stories of my childhood life and made me sleep making me forget everything. Whenever I was in a foul mood she would wipe them out with her icy words. Her love was like a rose that gives equal fragrance to the breeze and the storm. She gave her love equally in spite of the mood that I had.
IN THE MIDST SHE HAPPENED:
My life was a tranquilising drink,
She came, shook it, tilted it upside down, and walked away.
Chaos remained after, and then it was slowly intoxicated.
My life was quite a peaceful flow,
In the midst she arose, reverted the flow and went
At last it forgot the place where it ends, it flows and flows.
My life was a beautiful portrait,
She saw it, added colours to it, left it halfway
It remained unfinished and incomplete.
My life was a serene pond,
She passed by, threw a stone in it, and vanished
Its calm was shattered and it was restless
My life was a perfect journey
In the midst she stood, held my hands, took me to new places and left
I stood there pathless and perplexed.
My life was good,
In the midst you happened, changed its meaning, and went
My life was not the one, which was before,
If she was not going to be with me forever
I wish she never happened to me.
It was the end of third year. It had been three months that Sakthi had left the world. After that my mind was fully surrounded by the thoughts of him. It was really hard when someone who wakes you up, who talks incessantly, who fights and argues suddenly misses. I went to his home once again and returned after seeing his mother and his brother.
The queer nature of the love, made me to hate it. When I hardly realised that my girl would also give the same answer to me like Sakthi’s girl, I wished I should never have tasted the intoxicating drink of love.
I still had the poison bottle that I took from him placed in his closet. And then one day I took that and buried it underneath our oak tree on the shore. Then I was the only person to etch my footprints over the shore.
On seeing that tree, I thought
“Why does he loved a girl like this in his life… was that to leave his life for her love?”
If his love for her at last brought an endless grief to him and others then what was the meaning of the love he possessed? Love was really a happy thing but he made that as a sad one. That made me to despise his love.
After that unforgettable incident I went to a mood of not thinking about her much. Whenever I thought about her, Sakthi’s mother’s face came in front of me, making me think
“Does my mother is also going to have the same plight as her, if my girl says no to me.”
I understood that sathyan’s “Love Logic of God” didn’t work out. If it had then Sakthi should have got her surely. He didn’t, because the amount of love one possesses towards the other could neither be measured nor be compared. There is no greater love or smaller love. Even God wouldn’t be able to gauge the intensity of love one possessing towards the other with another one’s love over the same person.
A DREAM TO COME TRUE IN ANOTHER DREAM:
Though I tried hard, my peculiar love for her, deeply anchored in my heart refused to move away from me. In a strange manner my love for her increased the times I tried to wipe it out.
And my girl by coming in another dream of mine she confirmed herself of deserving the same love of mine which I had for her before.
I thought about on a peaceful day that I wasn’t even aware of my second valentine’s day in my year i.e. I haven’t even known the birthday of her. I didn’t know what were all the things she likes, things she hates.
Those things were just like an enigma compiled with the various mysteries of my own answers. I was very sad about this. I determined that if I was going to delay my proposal then I might end my life without getting the answers to all those puzzles.
How could I say that I love her?
For it had lesser intensity
I loved her so much
That no one in the universe has ever made
Yet I never expressed her
For I believed you may not be mine
Days went on I was afraid that my love may go unsaid
So I decided to make her understand the part she was playing with mine
And I don't know how that happened
All of a sudden I proposed her through the mail
Her silence makes me think of that
She may never have noticed my mail or
She may be thinking that I may be ok to live with
I am waiting for her consent as a response and it has been just
Like waiting for a dream to come true in another dream
Because I still doubt, do those things were just a dream
There are more chances that her consent may positive
Yet I knew it may not, whatever may be
In this world everyone is loved so crazily by someone
Though they do not wish or care for them
And for her let it be me.....
I would cry even on hearing the love stories, which had a sad ending. Then how could I survive if my own story was going to have some ending like that. I started to live with that doubt. Every day I opened my mailbox with great hope and determination that
“Today may be the most beautiful day of life”. But I never got a reply from her so in the every night I went back to sleep disappointed. I was afraid that I might never get one.
WHY SHOULD I HIRE YOU?
After I proposed her through the mail I believed myself as the most courageous man in this world. And I was not really feared of my placements. Because of my less CGPA and attendance percentage in the college I was said as
“You are not eligible for the placements of the core companies”,
I really didn’t care or worried about those. An average company came for my placements. Most were nervous and terrified for their placements but I was causal. Because I had undergone many of the bad things and nothing worst was going to happen if I was not going to be placed. Since there were thousands of companies wouldn’t I get at least one if I could visit at least ten a week. I entered the interview hall with confidence. The interviewer asked about me I said that to him, he then asked
“Why I need to hire you?”
I said to him that “Because I will sleep only if I was provided with a blanket”
He stared at me and asked “what
do you mean by that?”
“I meant I won’t be sleeping in the office hours”, I said.
I expected the question was a must ask question in every interview so it was easier for me. It was sort of an interview and more sort of a discussion. The interviewer asked about me, and then we both started discussing about my love story. We didn’t know how the discussion on this topic began. He was keen on listening to it. And at last he wished me best of luck offering a job.
I was placed. I always do certain things with proper planning except love… Planning in them didn’t work out here. When we plan the things opposite to that happens and when we didn’t plan once again the same opposite thing happens.
TIME FOR THE BIRDS TO LEAVE THE SANCTUARY:
Even thinking of this day, will have a question,
“Why this day should have come?” Because if it hadn’t come then we would have had our college days never ended… It was our Farewell day. All my friends were speechless. Our heart spoke everything, which unendurable to hear even by ourselves. They asked one question,
“Will our life journey, ever again will meet another enchanting encampment like this?”
The dream that filled everyone’s eyes
The stories that were said under the trees
The time that was spent in the benches
The treats that were kept and borrowed
The hostel food that reminded the missing of mother’s food
The gazes of the beautiful ones that made
Our loved ones to be forgotten in seconds
The results that came proportional to the movies
Those were seen before the nights of the exams
The heroic acts that ended up in great comedies
The cakes that were bought only to waste
The bumps that were given on the birthday eve
The demise of some dear ones and our sobbing for their departure
The innocent proposals and the paining humiliations
These were happenings
But, today these all are memories
The tear drops that runs down the cheeks
When we think of those moments
While we travel lonesome in the window-seat of a bus
In one or more ways
All these were beautiful college days
YES OR NO:
As the bus reached my place, I wiped out the tears that fell near my cheeks to get down from the bus. After that all I felt is that all my happy days have ended at last; because she is silent to my proposal so mostly she won’t be accepting me, if she had loved me then she would have immediately contacted me. But she didn’t.
I don’t know for how many days I am going to think and yearn for her, now not only trying to forget her but also thinking like that has become an impossible thing.
Moreover I at least consoled my heart by saying that
“Believe me, today she may not be yours but tomorrow surely she will be yours” in my college days.
To the cruelty even the college days have ended, though we might not have achieved our dream during those days of our college, we wouldn’t have worried about those since we had the thought that
“Tomorrow is there to accomplish our dreams, so be happy today”.
As I reached home I am worried about all those things and I am uninterested in anything. My father and mother understood the unusual of being of me. My father came near me and asked “Do you love someone?”
One of the most difficult phases of love was confessing it with our parents.
I said “yes” to him.
“Does she love you back” this time my mother asked the question.
“I don’t know”, I said to them and explained my full love story to them, though my mother first couldn’t accept that, later she accepted. And my father said “Do not worry about anything, you will be surely getting her as your wife, I will make all the arrangements for them”. I went and hugged my father. No words could convey what I felt during that time.
“You always made us happy by earning pride. And we would do anything to make our prince live his happy life”,
The moment my father said consent to my love I felt that he is the perfect and the best dad in this world. I don’t know how many fathers in this world will give the same feeling to their sons/daughters. But my father gave it to me and this will be the best legacy a father can give his son. I wished to be a good father, just like him someday.
My heart that was close to become still, started to oscillate after it became aware that my parents are also in its side. During the whole night I slept in my mother’s lap with the thought that
“If I could get her, then I would be the perfect and the happiest man on this planet because I have got: an affectionate mother, caring father and my lovable dream girl with me”.
IF IT DOESN’T ANYTHING WOULDN’T:
She is the most important thing to me. She is the most indispensable one of my life. I am ready to do anything in my life for her.
If I have followed her in all the way she went, might she turned back and love me. If I have done her something in such a way that by looking at it she might have felt so touched, she might have understood and love me. If I have written some impeccable love poems and gifted her, she might have admired and love me. If I have become a great rock star and said all those things happened because of her, she might have understood my unselfish love towards her and love me.
Have I ever done one of these things or have I even tried one of them? No never… then one might ask me, being like this how I can expect that she might also be loving me? But let me ask one thing
“Have she ever did any of these things to me?” Perfectly no… then how did I love her?
The answer to all of them was that
“Love just happens. And it should happen by itself. If it doesn’t then we can never make it happen … it intensifies itself when we miss our loved ones…”
If the things that we never got are always priceless,
If the things that we never bought are always precious,
If we always like to be near to the one, who went far
If we crazily love the ones whom we miss the most, then
It doesn’t matter that she has gone far and I miss her a lot
Even if I am the one who misses her a lot,
Then I am the one who is happy about that
Because I feel that I miss her, only to love her more
I know what I feel is a quiet sort of craziness
But only those who love someone will know
How beautiful are the feelings of mine, because
In one or more ways all the ones
Who love someone are crazies.
I miss her to the utmost of my life; likewise she too would be missing me if she loves me. If she doesn’t then, missing me will have made her realise the love she may be possessing for me. If it doesn’t then anything wouldn’t.
If she never had felt the love towards me by herself then I could never make her to realise her love for me by myself.
With this thought I lived another year beautifully. We, the college friends, met less in number of times than the number of times we assured of meeting each other. We got together less, even lesser than the number of times we spoke of it before.
I thought of proposing her by seeing her directly, but I postponed it every time being afraid of her answer to it.
WHITE MOUSE:
I am afraid. My heart is filled with some apprehensive thoughts; I heard her screaming with pain. When I go near and ask her, “Are you alright,” all she says is a YES. She is trying hard to give me a smile, in spite of the pain she is going through. Soon, the doctor arrived and I got out of the room.
Since from the day she has got conceived, I have been taking care of all her activities. We have visited this
hospital more than required (our doctor is a little worried with my obsession towards this).
My mother too was not happy that why I was very much concerned over this. When I explained my worries regarding it, she gave me the confidence explaining how simple it was and not as hard as I think.
The doctors have been working inside now. Unwillingly, I try to peep into the room; later I recognise what I am doing and step back.
Our love, since from the day we married has been increasing proportionately. We both just love each other while the miracles revolve around us to see the miracle of a true love. Every time, I see her I wonder how I struggled to marry her. I still remember the difficult yet lovely phases in my life: the days I waited for her favourable reply; the days I proposed her; the days I thought of proposing her; the days I loved her so much. She is an angel to me during those days and since my love never changed, instead it increased by the passage of days. She is still an angel to me.
I counted every minute restlessly. I thought about the day she whispered in my ears with her exquisite eyes, and her whitish face brimmed with the demure that she is pregnant. How I felt can be easily explained in simple words that it can never be explained merely with words. It is splendorous in the way happened and nothing more. Tears stagnated in the corner of my eyes, which I could realise yet couldn’t control.
How could I? When I hear that my white mouse is going to become a mother. I wished let my milky mouse shall give me another white mouse of a daughter, since I missed all of her childhood days. It is a golden chance for me to live them.
Then my mother took care of her daughter-in-law. She never let her do the household works. Though it had another reason that she was not satisfied by the way she does the work.
I explained my wish to beget a daughter to my mother. However, she didn’t care much about it. I know she was looking for a boy, in the resemblance of me. My girl was also on her side. But my father is on my side he has a clear knowledge that if it happens to be a boy, then he will be just like me, not obeying his words.
I once again saw her.
I knew her sweet kisses, and immense care is going to be shared by another yet I realise I am going to become a father, which makes feel excited and engrossed.
My mother came near me and asked me not to panic and stay free.
I went and leaned on the wall.
My girl never forgot to smile indicating how happy she was every time. She always leaned on my shoulders and I regularly hugged her. We wondered how delightful it was for us to live a life like this on the earth. While she was pregnant I, she and my mother often spoke to the gorgeous angel growing inside her womb. For first few months my daughter has been silent but on later months she responded to us with a kick to her stomach.
Almost all our relatives and friends are keen on the date in which the beautiful among the most beautiful is going to see this world.
We allowed my mistress only to sleep on the velvet mattress hearing her favourite songs, studying her favourite books and of course helping me a little in my work and nothing other to do. I took care of her based on advises of our parents.
Her parents are much happy with the life their daughter is living with me. They just stayed away from us and never wanted to interfere in our life. They have a good respect for me, and I too respected them.
Six months passed like this.
A week before I consulted the doctor, she said to me that the delivery will be on the next week. Then to remain on the safer side, I admitted her in the hospital the same day. My mother and I fetched her pomegranate and other of her favourite fruits and foods. Since then I have been on leave for my work most of the days and remained with her in the hospital. The days passed and now she is in the operating theatre, and I am standing here outside tensed with a strong prayer to the God that everything should be fine. My mother gave me the confidence and stood as a support to me.
A few minutes later, I heard a sensational voice, the crying sound of my baby. Every face surrounding us brightened up. The nurse came out. I thought of kissing her hands, which first touched my little angel. I am so excited to hear what she will be saying, yet before she opened her mouth I asked.
“Is my wife alright”
“Yes,” she said
“You got a boy…” she told me.
All my imaginations shattered in a second; yet, I am not disappointed much. I went inside to see how my boy was. But before me, my mother took him in her lovely hands, and then she pampered him by saying her sweet words. My boy is revolving in the hands of everyone. I went near and stroked her. She smiled, but her concentration seemed to be resting over with my boy.
Finally, my white mouse’s little boy came near me. I stretched my hands. My mother gently placed him in mine. He mostly took her mother’s appearance and a part of mine.
I saw my hands and wondered,
“Will these things happen?”
Then I returned from my sweet imaginary dreams to the sour reality. I have been like this since from the day I joined in the job. I will be imagining my future with her. I loved doing like this, and these kinds of things made my life go.
I never expected that these years would also be adorable like my past college and school years. That was because of the good friends I have got because of the job. I realised it was the right time to propose her. I believed something that she will also love me because if she hasn’t, then she would have refused to my proposal through the mail. But she has never done that. So I arrived at the conclusion that she might be afraid of her father or else for her family to accept my wish to live with her.
My each and every neuron carrying her name to and fro my brain made me to sense the threshold ecstasy. This weirdest yet tranquilising feeling induced hate of dying. And they slowly increased my hatredness towards ageing.
CLOSE YOUR EYES I AM COMING NEAR YOU:
With your gaze my heartily rose blossomed
I always feel great and wonder
To me how you happened
Like the peaceful sky hit by the thunder
The day you came into the dreams of mine
I realised that I was as in love as never before
When you smiled as if you had the same one
All I felt is that someday you would come and adore
When you were near, I never spoke because of shy
So the time got angry and flew somewhere
Oh! God Just give me the wings to fly
Since I had to catch that time back and keep it there
If you love someone and if you say
Then I will never come in your way
If you don’t then come soon without any delay
As my love will be same everyday
Because who will listen to everything you talk?
Who will call you with nick name?
Who will hold your hands in all the way you walk?
Who will give you all their fame?
I will always hold you tight
Never leave you away from my sight
And will neither induce a fight
Nor argue as I am right
When your beauty wilts and when you become old
Who other than me will love you this much as I do?
The depth of my love could never be told
So you think well before you say no
Whenever I am happy, I feel thee
You are there with me as the happiness
Even if you take everything away from me
You will be still present there as the emptiness
I don’t know what on earth
Could convey my love underneath
If you can’t give yourself then give me myself
Which I have been, before the day I saw you (yourself)
I wrote everything which I experienced all
these years and what I felt in the form of a poem. Because I thought it would be a remarkable incident in my life if I could pen all my emotions into a poem. She indeed possessed love towards poems and she might at least like my poem if not me. I still remember the day she topped in the literature.
Aeons might pass but I would be holding the poem near my heart and I would find some pleasure in reading it. If god permits me then I might be reading this to my daughter, demonstrating how I wooed her mother. This beautiful poem will always evince the enchanting music I ever heard in my life.
Then I went in search of her. First I called on her number which I have got from Syed. I found that the number he has given me been no more in use. And so for the first time in my life I went to the college she has studied.
After seeing that college I wished to study once more in the same college she studied. The day being a holiday I went to the class she studied and sat in it. The things that are used by her are loved by me more than her. These things waited for the arrival of her lover (me) knowing that I would give them importance though she was the one using them.
I asked about the details of her by saying her name. I am a little luckier to meet her classmate, who worked in the same college. He gave me some details about her. Then I went to the place, where she stayed two years back, and after a day’s search, finally I got the address where her relatives has been living now.
Then I got her phone number from their relatives by pretending myself as a friend to her. At last I found that she was not far from my home. She lives just 5kms away from my home.
I came home, my parents, who thought for these two years that I have forgotten her was little shocked with my new intention. But they didn’t impede my way.
The next day, I called her on the phone and heard her voice after a long time. This time I am not afraid of anything. Might those missing years have fed the courage to me?
I told her, “I am Krishna, hope you haven’t forgot me. I need to talk with you tomorrow, can you come to the Lourdes Park”
She retorted me that, “Sorry tomorrow I have some important things to do. I am right now near the park only. I will come there and can you please come now.”
On hearing this, my mind understood that she does not love me but my heart couldn’t concede that.
Soon I went there. I saw her, long after six years. My imaginations are not good enough to imagine her, I understood on seeing her. She looked just in contrast of what I have imagined the way she will look after these years. Even nature loved her it seems because it filled her with the beauty and elegance as ages went while it takes away some charm in case of other humans. She looked more stunningly gorgeous than I imagined.
For every step that I took near her, I felt every second I am getting missed with a bullet that is pointed towards my head. I am about to stumble when I went to close to her. Mainly thinking of the answer she is going to afford me.
“Close your eyes I am coming near you; but try to see me;
Forget yourself, I am coming into you; but try to remind yourself;
Just lose yourself, I am searching myself; but try to find yourself;
Shut your ears I am going to say I love you; but try to hear me;
Imagine yourself that you are just born now
You know nothing in this world except me;
For a minute let I be yours and you be mine,
Both of us shall decide what else we need to survive
Oh! My girl, just love me or at least lie to me as you love me”
I said these to her image, which is sailing around my thoughts…..
Then I gave her the letter I wrote for her.
She is not with an intention to even read that fully.
“I know all these right from the day you proposed me through the mail. I was really surprised that you love me. I was not that much close to you. I have spoken to you only a few times...You don’t know anything about me. Then how did this happen.”
She expressed her bewilderment and the criteria one needed to fulfil in order to love someone.
How could she be aware that I too was wondering the same criteria, about love, which I failed to, satisfy yet happened to fall in love with her?
She shook her head in disappointment. In that moment she worried thinking about my plight. That was the only happy thing my love for her could deserve from her.
“I am not interested in you. That’s why I haven’t even replied your mail.” She told me.
Tears were ready to flow from my eyes but I dammed them through my eyelids.
She said to me
“I love another guy and he too loves me. We are about to marry soon. So please, you go on in your way and never mingle in my path”.
While hearing this, I didn’t felt any differences, either physically or mentally, except that I froze while my heart melted inside. Her charismatic eyes still looked innocent. She went immediately after saying this.
I thought of calling her name but I know she will neither stop to listen to me nor turn back to see me, as she loves another person, so I left it there. My girl, who made me feel myself as nothing, had felt nothing because of me. When I hardly digested that my beloved is in love with some other and willing to spend her life with him, all I wished is that I should not have born.
A BEAUTIFUL LIFE:
After that I went to towards the oak trees in the beach where I and Sakthi once wrote ours and our lovers’ names. I went there and hugged our oak tree. In that moment I felt the same suffocating and choking effect which love offered to Sakthi on that day he proposed to his girl. The same strangling effect that took Sakthi away from us, made me fragile.
I sat on the beach. I thought about many things, tears went down my cheeks, I felt it drop by drop. I thought about my life that was about to become dark without the love she could reciprocate. I thought about the one, whom she is going to marry, and her life with him.
I prayed to God,
“You made me not deserving her. At least make her to deserve the same or more amount of love, which I possess for her, from the one she is going to marry.”
With sobs I brooded about the sin I committed for I was at last cheated and defeated in the game of love.
Then I thought about everyone who possesses an unrequited love.
Everyone understands the depth of their life only after falling in love with someone. But in this world everyone who loves someone doesn’t always gets loved back by the same one. Now it was confirmed that she is not going to live with me anymore.
“Should I really become a drug addict in order to forget this thing or I should leave my life?”
NO….
I will never do that because I started to love my life only after I started loving her. I should never hate my life because she is not with me now. And if I do so, then there won’t be any meaning in my love towards her. I feel that though she doesn't love me, I could never take her away from my life. Even if I empty my heart she will be still present in it as the emptiness.
One may ask what the good has my love done to me. Because of her thoughts I lost my concentration on my subjects, I could not get good marks, I haven’t even got a job in any of the good companies. But to live a happy all these things are not necessary. One can live a happy life even without them; once if we could understand the real meaning of our life.
When I realised my love for her, I understood what my life is meant for… AND NOW I DON’T WISH TO MAKE MY LOVE MEANINGLESS WHICH MADE ME TO UNDERSTAND THE REAL MEANING OF MY LIFE…
Her love once showed me the light into my life to guide my path. I still believe that her love will be always there in guiding my life in the best way.
I will surely marry some other girl and live a beautiful life which I thought of living with her. All women are more or less same in nature, it was my love that made her to appear as the most
unique from other women.
And it was my love towards her which taught me, how to love someone. Let that someone be the girl I am going to marry.
If I have got her, then it will have been the happiest thing of my life. Now I haven’t got her this causes the yearning and saddest thing to me. Yet I know clearly that the yearning and sadness for a happy thing that has failed to happen could be forgotten by undertaking some other happy things in my life. I will forget the sadness of not having her with me by living a beautiful life with another girl. With her affection and with my love towards her, I will convert these worries into ecstasies. In the love pond when we bend and see our image of life, our image of life will be shown as a happily only if we look on to it happily.
I will do all these because someday in my life I want to look back and feel happy that all these great things happened because I loved her so much. I want to make myself and others including her to understand that my love for her is always been a great gift to me in making my life a beautiful one.
After spending some time at the shore, I returned to my home. I called my mother and father, they were eager to know what has happened. I went to sleep in my mother’s lap. After that I explained everything to them.
My mother couldn’t utter a word, because of the shocking news. Then she tried to console me by saying different things.
My father asked me
“By loving her so much, how will you love another girl after you marry her?”
“Though I loved her, my love for my mother never decreased. Like that though I love her my affection won’t be decreased for the one I am going to marry. With the girl I am going to marry, I would begin my life with the thought that it should be as happy as possible”, I told him.
My father said to me,
“You understood the real path of life. Tell me what kind of girl you want to marry? I will search her and show her in front of your eyes”
“Any one, but not like the ‘Investigative girl’ you married” I said to him.
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