CHAPTER IX
Gwen's Resolve
'How little thou canst tell How much in thee is ill or well! Nor for thy neighbour, nor for thee, Be sure!'--_Clough._
Gwen cleared her throat. She sat in a low wicker chair by the openwindow of the drawing room, and for a minute her eye wandered out intothe back garden, which looked in perfect order, and hardly needed theincessant hoeing and weeding of a lanky youth, who was now resting onhis hoe and leaning against the wall in a sleepy attitude.
'We have now been here three months, and after the satisfactory eveningwe had with our accounts, Agatha, last week, we have come to theconclusion that we can live here well within our income. This beingthe case, and all anxiety for the future----'
'You're talking like a book,' interrupted Elfie saucily; 'don't purseup your mouth so, and look so superior, and like Cousin James.'
'Very well, then, I will come to the point at once. I mean to go outto California and pay Walter a visit, and I want to sail before the endof this month.'
There was a dead silence. Then Agatha said a little drily, 'And youwill want your 100 pounds to do that, of course?'
'No, I don't.' Gwen's tone was a little sharp. 'I have some in handfrom my writing. I can see from your faces that you don't approve, butI've had it in my mind for a long time, only I have waited to see howthings would go. Cousin Jacob's treachery was a bitter blow, as I wasafraid you would want me at home to look after you all----'
'We're not the poor fools you think us,' put in Clare indignantly.
Gwen went on as if she had not heard her: 'And now I have got thegarden into such excellent condition, and you are all shaking down andfinding friends and occupations for yourselves--Agatha, the vicar andthe villagers; Clare, her sweet Miss Villars; and Elfie, dividedbetween the church organ and her music at home--I shall not be neededor missed. I don't mean to be away for years, but I am sure fromWalter's letters that he is not doing as well as he should. He wantsshaking up, perhaps starting in a new groove; and, honestly, I want tosee life in the Colonies. It will do me good, and I hope I shall dohim good. I may be back in six months' time. That is my idea--to payhim a visit, and then come back to you here.'
'I suppose we should all like to visit him,' said Clare crossly. 'Whyshouldn't one of us go, and you stay at home? I am sure a winter herewill finish me.'
Walter seems such a stranger to us,' said Elfie, 'that I wonder if hewill like it. He was always at a boarding-school, and we only saw himfor the holidays, and then he went abroad directly he left school. Ihardly know anything about him. Has he any idea you are going, Gwen?
'I will write by the next mail and tell him. I know him a littlebetter than you do, Elfie, for you were but a child when he leftEngland. He has often said how he would like one of us out there tokeep house for him. Of course, he will be delighted.'
'I am sorry you want to go,' Agatha said slowly.
'Why? Is there any good reason why I should stay at home?'
Agatha was silent, and though the younger girls plied Gwen withinnumerable questions, and were full of excitement about it, she saidnothing, and presently walked out of the room.
Gwen looked after her with a mixture of doubtful perplexity andannoyance. She and Agatha had always been much together, and shevalued her opinion, though determined not to be swayed by it. She feltthis silence meant disapproval, and was by turns uneasy and indignantat it. It was not till after Clare and Elfie had retired to bed thatnight that Agatha referred to the matter. And Gwen little knew thatshe had been kneeling at her bedside praying for guidance in offeringher advice, for more than an hour that evening.
'Well,' said Gwen, with a little laugh, as she reclined in herfavourite wicker chair, and looked up at her sister's grave face, asshe turned from her writing-table to speak, 'what does Madam Prudencesay to my scheme?'
'I think it is too important a step to take hastily,' said Agatha.
'My dear, I have been thinking of it for months; there has been nohaste in the matter. Removal of objection number one! Now for numbertwo!'
'I think,' said Agatha slowly, 'that you are quite as likely tounsettle Walter as to settle him. He is not doing very grandly, but hekeeps out of debt; and it seems to me that it is only by steadyperseverance that fortunes are made nowadays. Then you may seriouslyinconvenience him by giving him such short notice of your intentions.A man living by himself on a small farm is not prepared to receiveladies at a day's notice. He may be away from home when you arrive.Oh yes, I know you are not going to be influenced by what I say, but Ido ask you to look upon it as a serious matter. And, Gwen, you know Idon't often "preach," as you term it, but I do wish you would practisethe verse old Nannie gave you just before we left London. It is animportant step. Do commit it unto the Lord.'
'I am not religious,' said Gwen, a little lightly.
'Do you never mean to be?'
'I don't know. Every one has a different nature. It is natural foryou to be good. It is natural for you to trust and lean upon religion,because you have such a humble opinion of your own judgment and powers.Now I feel--I can't help feeling--a confidence in myself. It may beconceit, but it is natural for me to trust in my own judgment, and planmy own course of life, and until disaster attends my attempts I shallcontinue to act for myself. Of this I am certain!'
'Ah, don't say that!' exclaimed Agatha; 'it would be sad if disasterwere to follow this step of yours. I hoped, from your advocating acountry life, that you would be content to settle down here quietly.If it is the dulness of the place that is driving you abroad, I amsorry we ever came here.'
'I am never dull anywhere,' Gwen said quickly; 'I have too manyresources. It is not that at all. I have wanted to go out to Walterfor a long time, and now I have made enough money to do it, nothingwill stop me.'
'You are so sure of yourself,' said Agatha, sighing.
'Yes, and I am not ashamed of it. We can't be all alike, andself-confidence is a great blessing sometimes. It saves one from aninfinite amount of care and worry.'
Agatha was silent. As is often the case with sisters, there was greatreserve between them on matters that lay closely to their hearts, andthough Agatha longed to warn Gwen of her besetting fault, she hesitated.
Gwen continued with alacrity: 'I have made inquiries about steamers,and hope to sail the week after next. I have very little preparationto make, for I am not given to much luggage.'
'And you mean to go out quite by yourself?'
'Why not? In these days chaperons are unnecessary. There are alwayssome nice people on board who befriend single women. I am not a younggirl.'
'You are not very old,' said Agatha, scanning the bright, handsome facewith its wilful mouth and determined chin; 'and as I know vanity is nota failing of yours, I may say that you are too good-looking to be goingabout the world alone.'
Gwen laughed. 'Oh, you poor old thing! Why will you try to mother usall, when you cannot manage it! You may be perfectly certain I cantake care of myself. Now shall we go to bed, or have you any moreobjections to make?'
'I wish you would pray over it,' were Agatha's parting words; and whenGwen got to her room that night she pondered over them.
She was not actually irreligious. She read her Bible occasionally, andwent through a form of prayer by her bedside every night; but religionhad never touched her heart. It was but an empty name to her, and shewas too secure in her self-confidence and pride to ever feel her needof anything outside herself.
She drew her Bible towards her now, and turned to the 37th Psalm. Shefirst glanced at the verse Nannie gave her, then read the psalm throughcarefully and steadily.
'It exactly describes Cousin James,' was her inward thought. 'I wishwe could always see the good righted in this life, and the wicked cutoff. I am afraid I could not follow out these precepts in my life. Itis all waiting and trusting and doing nothing oneself, but letting Goddo it all for one. It is a psalm that must bring wonderful comfort toA
gatha. Of course, I shall be able to pray that my visit to Walter maybe for good, but I am sure it will. It is not as if I am meditatingsome very wrong course of action. If they really wanted me here, Iwould not think of leaving them. I am going out for Walter's good. Ohdear! how often I wish I had been the man in our family!'
With such thoughts as these she presently bent her head, and asked ablessing on her undertaking, and then turned into bed, feeling veryvirtuous at having done so.
There was a great deal of talk between the sisters about Gwen'sproposal, but not one of them now thought to dissuade her, and the onlyunpleasant criticism she had to bear was from Miss Miller.
Elfie and Gwen met her in the village, and she stopped them at once.
'What is this I hear?' she demanded, tapping Gwen on the shoulder withher stick. 'Are you going off to find a husband abroad, because youhaven't been able to pick one up here? I thought you young ladieswould be disappointed when you came to know our neighbourhood.'
'Our friends and acquaintances are not limited to this small corner,Miss Miller,' retorted Gwen, holding her head proudly; 'we should be ina poor plight if they were. And if we felt dull, London is not out ofreach. I am going out to my brother.'
'So I have been told. You are going to live amongst bushrangers andsavages. It shows a refined and modest taste to go where you will bethe only woman. But I am surprised at nothing in these days, wheneverything is topsy-turvy, and society at its worst. Women vie withone another in being conspicuous, and girls go about the world in men'sclothes!'
Elfie began to laugh, but Gwen said haughtily,--
'Since it does not surprise you, Miss Miller, I wonder you mention itat all.'
'Husband-hunting!' growled Miss Miller; and she hurried past themwithout another word.
'She is an impertinent woman!' said Gwen wrathfully.
'I think she is an old dear,' said Elfie merrily. 'You never hearpeople speak out their thoughts as she does! I always wonder what sheis going to say next. The other day I was leaving a message for Agathaat the vicarage, when she came out with Lady Buttonshaw, who had beencalling there. She said good-bye to her, and then added with greatseverity: "It is a good thing for you to be without your maid for alittle. I shall not hurry Emma Gray to go to you. A woman might aswell turn into a fashion-block as allow her maid to clothe and unclotheher as your maid does you! Bestir yourself, my dear. Find out onwhich side the buttons on your boots are, and how many hairpins arenecessary for the erection of your pretty hair!" Lady Buttonshaw onlylaughed as she walked away. I suppose everybody knows that her bark isworse than her bite!'
Gwen had a different criticism pronounced upon her departure by old Deband Patty. She went to wish them good-bye, and their surprise wasgreat when she told them where she was going.
'Is it among the wild beasts and heathens? Well, you're a brave younglady to venture out all alone. But I should be terribly afeared oflosin' my way. Are there signposts all the way?'
'There, Patty, you ain't showin' off your knowledge to talk so! MissGwen will go all the way in a steamer, and her brother will be meetin'her when she comes to land. It's the steamers are so tryin' to fleshand blood. Mr. Giles told me all about it when he went to America withhis master. You have to sleep on shelves up the wall, and there be nowashin' your clothes for the whole time you're on the sea, which to aclean, decent body must be dreadful! And the food is shaken out of youas fast as you gets it down, and 'tis a marvel that a body gets to theother side o' the world alive!'
'It's wonderful good of you, miss, to go to take care of your brother!'said Patty, regarding Gwen with an awe-struck face; 'but you gentlefolkseem to be hardier to such things than us should be. And then you'llbe able to speak them foreign langwidges. But it's to be hoped thecannibals won't get hold on you. I've only seen one person come backfrom foreign parts alive, and that was Tom Clark, and he was a sailor.But I reckon there are a few beside him that live to come back!'
'You'll not be marryin' an Indian prince out there, miss?' put in Debanxiously.
'Miss Gwen is a Christian,' Patty said solemnly. 'She wouldn't bemarryin' a heathen who keeps wives by the score, and eats them up byturns!'
And Gwen laughingly assured them that she meant to return as shewent--a single woman.
The days slipped by; Gwen, with her usual energy and determination,arranged for her journey in every detail, and when the time came, tookleave of her sisters with cheerful equanimity.
'It is not for very long,' she said; 'and if you want me back sooner,you have only to wire and tell me so. I shall be back, I hope, beforeChristmas.'
But Christmas seemed to Agatha a long way off, and she perhaps of allthe sisters felt most depressed at Gwen's departure.