Chapter Nineteen
Hailey
I felt like everything was a huge mess and I couldn't see straight long enough to figure out how I was supposed to be feeling right now.
First, I was pissed that Chase had ripped up my planner like that. What the hell was that about? It seemed like a huge overreaction. I didn't understand his motives behind that at all and then, to make the whole situation even more confusing, he had kissed me. That kiss had affected me somehow and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Maybe it was just the heat of the moment but, then again, maybe it was something more.
All knew was that I was really nervous about seeing Braxton later. It wasn’t like Chase had just randomly kissed me; I’d let it happen and kissed him back, and I knew I owed it to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I could try to brush it off as just a kiss, like it was no big deal, but I didn’t really believe that.
Not now when I was pretty sure I knew exactly what kind of butterflies Tessa had been talking about—and the sensation was just as unpleasant as I had suspected it would be, but it was also kind of wonderful.
More than anything, it was confusing. How could one person make me feel so many
different emotions? I was pissed about my planner, giddy about the way I felt when he’d kissed me, and guilty because it shouldn't have happened in the first place. Right now I was feeling so conflicted that I didn't know which way was up.
I heard a knock at the door. It was probably someone looking for Tessa and since she
wasn’t here at the moment and I wasn’t in the mood to be social, I decided to ignore it. When the knocks persisted, however, I gave in with a reluctant sigh and walked to the door.
When I opened it, my newly discovered butterflies made a reappearance—followed quickly by a wave of guilt.
“What are you doing here?”
“Hey,” Chase said nervously. His uncharacteristic shyness threw me off for a minute until I remembered that I was supposed to be mad at him. I had slapped him across the face after we kissed. He probably wasn’t sure how I would react to his showing up here unexpectedly. “I wanted to bring you--I mean, I got you something.” He handed me a thin wrapped gift. “What is it?”
“A peace offering.”
“You didn't need to get me anything.”
“Just open it, Hailey.”
Reluctantly, I did. It was a planner--a much nicer one than the one he’d ripped to shreds. “You got me a planner?” I asked in disbelief.
“Yeah, I felt like shit after what I did,” Chase admitted. “I’m sorry I was such an asshole.”
“You got me a planner,” I repeated.
“Yeah,” he said running a hand over the top of his head uncomfortably. “And, I uh, wanted to apologize for that kiss. It was out of line. I know you have a boyfriend and I shouldn’t have done that. I don’t want you to think I’m the kind of guy that goes around making moves on other guys’ girlfriends. It was a mistake and I’m sorry.”
I wanted to interrupt him and tell him that it was okay but I couldn’t. I really was mad about that kiss. It wasn’t that I was upset with him for initiating it, I was just so frustrated and confused by the way it made me feel when he’ done it. It was like my eyes had finally been opened and I was suddenly able to see everything I had been missing out on--it was kind of liberating. But now, here he was, apologizing and saying it was just a mistake. Obviously our encounter had not had the same effect on him. “Just don’t let it happen again,” I told him.
“Can we just go back to the way it was before?”
“What? With us hating each other?”
He cracked a smile. “Not that far back...could we just go back to being almost-friends?”
“Just almost-friends?” “Yeah.” He gazed at me with a nervous anticipation, as if bracing himself for rejection. Was he really that blind? Could he not tell that he affected me?
“I think I can handle that.”
“Do you still want to go to the concert with me?” he asked carefully.
“Yeah, I still want to go.”
“But do you still want to go with me?” The fear of rejection was still there in his voice and on his face.
As much as I wanted to tell him that there was no one I would rather go to the concert with than him, I knew that it wasn't right. I had a boyfriend. If I truly thought that Chase and I were strictly friends, it wouldn't be an issue. Even if he was blind to how I felt about him, I
couldn't lie to myself. What I felt for him was more than just friendship. I was attracted to him, but because of my commitment to Braxton I needed to avoid the temptation as much as possible. The more time I spent with Chase, the more likely another slip-up would occur. “I don’t know yet. Can I think about it?” I finally asked him.
“Yeah, of course.” He seemed kind of relieved by my uncertainty. Maybe he was looking for an out. Before I could ask him if he even still wanted me to go, he smiled and said, “I’ll see you later, almost-friend.”
“Bye, Chase.” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes.
By the time Braxton picked me up for our date night, I had my mind made up. I decided not to tell him anything about Chase or the kiss. I still needed time to figure everything out and there was no point in hurting him in the process. I was confused and I just needed to take a step back and think. I couldn’t think when I was around Chase.
I couldn’t ignore the fact that he made me feel something--I just couldn’t decide if that something was a good thing or a bad thing.
Half the time I was so frustrated with him that I wanted to slap him—and did—but then there were other times, when he let his walls down, that I found myself wanting to get to know him better. The whole situation was such unfamiliar territory for me, and until I knew what to make of it I decided there was no point worrying Braxton about it. It was probably just a silly crush that I would forget all about. After all, no matter how intoxicating they were, butterflies weren't grounds for a long-term commitment. No, Braxton and I were solid. We knew each other better than anyone else in the world—he was my absolute best friend, my high school sweetheart. The boy next door I had always planned on ending up with. Not some punk rocker covered in tattoos.
As much as I tried to convince myself otherwise, tattoos or no tattoos, I still couldn't shake the way I felt when Chase kissed me.
I tried to act as normal as possible when Braxton came to pick me up, but he must’ve have known something was up because he was acting a little weird himself--all fidgety.
“Is everything okay?” I asked when I couldn’t take him bouncing his knee as he drove anymore. It was making the whole seat bounce.
“Yeah, everything’s great,” he said unconvincingly. I spent the rest of the ride trying to decipher what could possibly be going on without much luck.
He had made reservations at a nice restaurant--an expensive one on The Plaza. As we walked in, I immediately wished I would’ve dressed up a little more. I felt very plain in my sweater dress and knee-high leather boots.
When Braxton gave the hostess our name, she greeted us with a little too much enthusiasm and her eyes lit up expectantly. I thought it was a little strange but remembered the type clientele she was used to dealing with; most wealthy people came to expect the extra attention. She led us to a private table in the back that had a beautiful centerpiece made out of red roses and white baby’s breath. Braxton always got me roses for special occasions--I never had the heart to tell him that I hated roses. Sure, they are pretty and smell nice but they are just so cliché. Daisies were my favorite.
Soft classical music played in the background and the dim lighting of the room made it all quite romantic, but despite the romantic nature of our surroundings the butterflies were noticeably absent.
The waiter came over almost immediately, another overly enthusiastic smiler, to take our drink orders. I nibbled on a breadstick as I browsed the menu.
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“Did you see that William C. Lancaster has a concert in the city next week?” Braxton asked conversationally. I gulped down some water. What if he wanted to go to make up for last time? “Um, yeah. Actually Tessa and I and a couple friends from school are going.” I hoped he couldn't hear how nervous I was. I was a terrible liar. I wasn't even sure why I was lying to him. Okay, so maybe I knew exactly why I was lying to him—and for that reason alone I knew I should tell him the truth, but I still didn't say anything about Chase. “Oh.” I couldn't tell if he was more disappointed or relieved.
“I mean, I didn't think to ask you because I knew how miserable you were at the last concert.”
“It wasn't that bad.”
“Braxton, I think I remember you snoring through most of it,” I teased him.
“Okay, so it's not exactly my scene but I know how much you like the guy so I would suffer through it again for you.” He smiled.
“Well, there's no need for that.” I tried to keep my tone light. “No reason to torture yourself for my benefit.”
The waiter brought out our salads and we started to eat in silence. I could feel the table shaking and knew that Braxton was bouncing his knee like he did when he was nervous or impatient. He didn’t say anything, but I knew something was up.
“Braxton?” I asked. “Seriously, what's going on?”
He smiled an adorably nervous smile that I was familiar with. “I was going to wait until dessert but I’m too excited.” He stood up, pushing his chair back ever so slightly.
“You’re freaking me out.”
“Hailey Jean, I have loved you for over half of my life. I cannot tell you how happy you have made me. I know that we are young, but I also know that we are supposed to be together and I don't want to wait any longer to start my life with you. Will you marry me?”
There was he, kneeling before me with a glittering, round-cut diamond ring. Now, even I knew that when someone proposed to you, you were supposed to feel excited, elated, happy-butterflies should have been gleefully fluttering around in my stomach. But in reality, all I felt was numb-and a little sick to my stomach.
“Oh God,” I gasped. I had to tell him, but I wasn't really sure how to say it. All I knew was that I owed it to him—he deserved to know the truth. “I don't know what to say.”
“Hailey, you're kinda freaking me out now.” “Are you sure you want to do this?” I asked.
“Well I asked didn't I? I wouldn't have done that if I wasn't sure.”
“I know, but we're so young. There's no reason to rush into this.”
“It's not like we weren't already planning to spend the rest of our lives together anyway. I just wanted to make it official.”
My heart was pounding in my chest and I felt like I might throw up because last night I was making out with another guy and today my boyfriend is asking me to promise to spend the rest of my life with him. I didn't deserve him at all.
“I kissed Chase. Or I guess Chase kissed me. It's all sort of a blur,” I blurted out, and I
heard Braxton's sharp intake of breath. That was definitely not was he was expecting to hear at this moment, and I know he never imagined that I would do something so awful. “And it doesn't matter who kissed who—all I know is that we kissed and now I'm just so confused.”
“Confused about what?”
“About everything. About you—about him. About who I am and who I want to be.”
“All that from just one little kiss?” He laughed humorlessly. “Don't joke.”
“I'm sorry. I just don't understand what's happening here,” he said softly. “Do you have feelings for him?”
“I don't know.” I paused, realizing that I couldn’t admit the truth to Braxton. I already felt bad enough as it was. “But I don't think I can say yes to you. You deserve better than me.”
“God, Hailey. I don't—I can't—“ He blew out a gush of air, closed his eyes and tilted his head up toward the sky for a minute. When he looked back down at me, there was nothing but love and understanding in his eyes. “Do you need some time? Is that it?”
“I don't know.” It was the truth but I hated that it was.
“Okay then. Take all the time you need to think about it. Do whatever you need to do because I know that eventually you will come back to me and be my wife.”
We didn't talk much after that. To say things were awkward would be an understatement. I wasn't sure what was supposed to happen after you tell your boyfriend of nearly five years that you aren't sure if you're ready to get engaged. He seemed to take my reluctance to accept better than I would have guessed. He must be pretty confident that I'd come around to the idea of being someone's fiancé at eighteen-years-old. “Aren't you mad at me?” I asked him as he pulled into the front of my dorm.
“I'm not mad. I'm disappointed, Hay. Okay so I'm a little pissed you kissed another guy but it was one time thing—a mistake. It's okay, I can forgive you for that. I know that you're it for me so it's upsetting that you're having doubts.”
“It's not that I doubt it—“
“I know that. Do you think we're too young to get married? Is that it then?”
“Yes,” I said clinging to the excuse because it was far more reasonable than I had a crush on someone else.
“And you're right, we are young. I'm not saying we should get married tomorrow—but I also know that we belong together.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. I knew he was being far more understanding than I deserved. Braxton had been the only constant in my life, the one thing I had always been able to depend on.
But with Chase--it was like there was this invisible elastic rubber band around us and as much as I tried to fight it, to pull against it, I couldn't help but be thrown back into him. And the harder I fought, the stronger the whiplash.
“I'm sorry for ruining everything.”
“You didn't ruin everything. You'll make the right choice. We both know we belong together. I'll see you soon, okay?”
“Okay. Bye.”
I brushed the tears out of my eyes. I wasn't even sure why I was crying. I'm the one who hurt him, yet he was being so understanding and hopeful that everything would work out.
Unfortunately, I wasn't as hopeful. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do.
I knew I needed to figure out what I wanted so as soon as I returned to my dorm room, I sent Chase a text.
If you still want to go with me, I want to go to the concert with you.
His response came a few minutes later.
Pick you up at 7 And with his response came the butterflies.