21. Psmith Makes Inquiries
Psmith, as was his habit of a morning when the fierce rush of hiscommercial duties had abated somewhat, was leaning gracefully againsthis desk, musing on many things, when he was aware that Bristow wasstanding before him.
Focusing his attention with some reluctance upon this blot on thehorizon, he discovered that the exploiter of rainbow waistcoats andsatin ties was addressing him.
'I say, Smithy,' said Bristow. He spoke in rather an awed voice.
'Say on, Comrade Bristow,' said Psmith graciously. 'You have our ear.You would seem to have something on your chest in addition to thatNeapolitan ice garment which, I regret to see, you still flaunt. If itis one tithe as painful as that, you have my sympathy. Jerk it out,Comrade Bristow.'
'Jackson isn't half copping it from old Bick.'
'Isn't--? What exactly did you say?'
'He's getting it hot on the carpet.'
'You wish to indicate,' said Psmith, 'that there is some slightdisturbance, some passing breeze between Comrades Jackson andBickersdyke?'
Bristow chuckled.
'Breeze! Blooming hurricane, more like it. I was in Bick's room justnow with a letter to sign, and I tell you, the fur was flying all overthe bally shop. There was old Bick cursing for all he was worth, and alittle red-faced buffer puffing out his cheeks in an armchair.'
'We all have our hobbies,' said Psmith.
'Jackson wasn't saying much. He jolly well hadn't a chance. Old Bickwas shooting it out fourteen to the dozen.'
'I have been privileged,' said Psmith, 'to hear Comrade Bickersdykespeak both in his sanctum and in public. He has, as you suggest, aready flow of speech. What, exactly was the cause of the turmoil?'
'I couldn't wait to hear. I was too jolly glad to get away. Old Bicklooked at me as if he could eat me, snatched the letter out of my hand,signed it, and waved his hand at the door as a hint to hop it. Which Ijolly well did. He had started jawing Jackson again before I was out ofthe room.'
'While applauding his hustle,' said Psmith, 'I fear that I must takeofficial notice of this. Comrade Jackson is essentially a SensitivePlant, highly strung, neurotic. I cannot have his nervous system joltedand disorganized in this manner, and his value as a confidentialsecretary and adviser impaired, even though it be only temporarily. Imust look into this. I will go and see if the orgy is concluded. I willhear what Comrade Jackson has to say on the matter. I shall not actrashly, Comrade Bristow. If the man Bickersdyke is proved to have hadgood grounds for his outbreak, he shall escape uncensured. I may evenlook in on him and throw him a word of praise. But if I find, as Isuspect, that he has wronged Comrade Jackson, I shall be forced tospeak sharply to him.'
* * * * *
Mike had left the scene of battle by the time Psmith reached the CashDepartment, and was sitting at his desk in a somewhat dazed condition,trying to clear his mind sufficiently to enable him to see exactly howmatters stood as concerned himself. He felt confused and rattled. Hehad known, when he went to the manager's room to make his statement,that there would be trouble. But, then, trouble is such an elasticword. It embraces a hundred degrees of meaning. Mike had expectedsentence of dismissal, and he had got it. So far he had nothing tocomplain of. But he had not expected it to come to him riding high onthe crest of a great, frothing wave of verbal denunciation. MrBickersdyke, through constantly speaking in public, had developed thehabit of fluent denunciation to a remarkable extent. He had thunderedat Mike as if Mike had been his Majesty's Government or the EncroachingAlien, or something of that sort. And that kind of thing is a littleoverwhelming at short range. Mike's head was still spinning.
It continued to spin; but he never lost sight of the fact round whichit revolved, namely, that he had been dismissed from the service of thebank. And for the first time he began to wonder what they would sayabout this at home.
Up till now the matter had seemed entirely a personal one. He hadcharged in to rescue the harassed cashier in precisely the same way asthat in which he had dashed in to save him from Bill, the Stone-FlingingScourge of Clapham Common. Mike's was one of those direct, honest mindswhich are apt to concentrate themselves on the crisis of the moment,and to leave the consequences out of the question entirely.
What would they say at home? That was the point.
Again, what could he do by way of earning a living? He did not knowmuch about the City and its ways, but he knew enough to understand thatsummary dismissal from a bank is not the best recommendation one canput forward in applying for another job. And if he did not get anotherjob in the City, what could he do? If it were only summer, he might gettaken on somewhere as a cricket professional. Cricket was his line. Hecould earn his pay at that. But it was very far from being summer.
He had turned the problem over in his mind till his head ached, and hadeaten in the process one-third of a wooden penholder, when Psmitharrived.
'It has reached me,' said Psmith, 'that you and Comrade Bickersdykehave been seen doing the Hackenschmidt-Gotch act on the floor. When myinformant left, he tells me, Comrade B. had got a half-Nelson on you,and was biting pieces out of your ear. Is this so?'
Mike got up. Psmith was the man, he felt, to advise him in this crisis.Psmith's was the mind to grapple with his Hard Case.
'Look here, Smith,' he said, 'I want to speak to you. I'm in a bit of ahole, and perhaps you can tell me what to do. Let's go out and have acup of coffee, shall we? I can't tell you about it here.'
'An admirable suggestion,' said Psmith. 'Things in the PostageDepartment are tolerably quiescent at present. Naturally I shall bemissed, if I go out. But my absence will not spell irretrievable ruin,as it would at a period of greater commercial activity. ComradesRossiter and Bristow have studied my methods. They know how I likethings to be done. They are fully competent to conduct the business ofthe department in my absence. Let us, as you say, scud forth. We willgo to a Mecca. Why so-called I do not know, nor, indeed, do I ever hopeto know. There we may obtain, at a price, a passable cup of coffee, andyou shall tell me your painful story.'
The Mecca, except for the curious aroma which pervades all Meccas, wasdeserted. Psmith, moving a box of dominoes on to the next table, satdown.
'Dominoes,' he said, 'is one of the few manly sports which have neverhad great attractions for me. A cousin of mine, who secured his chessblue at Oxford, would, they tell me, have represented his University inthe dominoes match also, had he not unfortunately dislocated the radiusbone of his bazooka while training for it. Except for him, there hasbeen little dominoes talent in the Psmith family. Let us merely talk.What of this slight brass-rag-parting to which I alluded just now? Tellme all.'
He listened gravely while Mike related the incidents which had led upto his confession and the results of the same. At the conclusion of thenarrative he sipped his coffee in silence for a moment.
'This habit of taking on to your shoulders the harvest of otherpeople's bloomers,' he said meditatively, 'is growing upon you, ComradeJackson. You must check it. It is like dram-drinking. You begin in asmall way by breaking school rules to extract Comrade Jellicoe (perhapsthe supremest of all the blitherers I have ever met) from a hole. Ifyou had stopped there, all might have been well. But the thing, oncestarted, fascinated you. Now you have landed yourself with a splash inthe very centre of the Oxo in order to do a good turn to ComradeWaller. You must drop it, Comrade Jackson. When you were free andwithout ties, it did not so much matter. But now that you areconfidential secretary and adviser to a Shropshire Psmith, the thingmust stop. Your secretarial duties must be paramount. Nothing must beallowed to interfere with them. Yes. The thing must stop before it goestoo far.'
'It seems to me,' said Mike, 'that it has gone too far. I've got thesack. I don't know how much farther you want it to go.'
Psmith stirred his coffee before replying.
'True,' he said, 'things look perhaps a shade rocky just now, but allis not yet lost. You must recollect that Comrade Bickersdyke spoke inthe
heat of the moment. That generous temperament was stirred to itsdepths. He did not pick his words. But calm will succeed storm, and wemay be able to do something yet. I have some little influence withComrade Bickersdyke. Wrongly, perhaps,' added Psmith modestly, 'hethinks somewhat highly of my judgement. If he sees that I am opposed tothis step, he may possibly reconsider it. What Psmith thinks today, ishis motto, I shall think tomorrow. However, we shall see.'
'I bet we shall!' said Mike ruefully.
'There is, moreover,' continued Psmith, 'another aspect to the affair.When you were being put through it, in Comrade Bickersdyke's inimitablybreezy manner, Sir John What's-his-name was, I am given to understand,present. Naturally, to pacify the aggrieved bart., Comrade B. had tolay it on regardless of expense. In America, as possibly you are aware,there is a regular post of mistake-clerk, whose duty it is to receivein the neck anything that happens to be coming along when customersmake complaints. He is hauled into the presence of the foamingcustomer, cursed, and sacked. The customer goes away appeased. Themistake-clerk, if the harangue has been unusually energetic, appliesfor a rise of salary. Now, possibly, in your case--'
'In my case,' interrupted Mike, 'there was none of that rot.Bickersdyke wasn't putting it on. He meant every word. Why, dash itall, you know yourself he'd be only too glad to sack me, just to getsome of his own back with me.'
Psmith's eyes opened in pained surprise.
'Get some of his own back!' he repeated.
'Are you insinuating, Comrade Jackson, that my relations with ComradeBickersdyke are not of the most pleasant and agreeable nature possible?How do these ideas get about? I yield to nobody in my respect for ourmanager. I may have had occasion from time to time to correct him insome trifling matter, but surely he is not the man to let such a thingrankle? No! I prefer to think that Comrade Bickersdyke regards me ashis friend and well-wisher, and will lend a courteous ear to anyproposal I see fit to make. I hope shortly to be able to prove this toyou. I will discuss this little affair of the cheque with him at ourease at the club, and I shall be surprised if we do not come to somearrangement.'
'Look here, Smith,' said Mike earnestly, 'for goodness' sake don't goplaying the goat. There's no earthly need for you to get lugged intothis business. Don't you worry about me. I shall be all right.'
'I think,' said Psmith, 'that you will--when I have chatted withComrade Bickersdyke.'