CHAPTER THREE
David is very talkative on the drive to my place but I don't say much. A depression begins to set in as I ponder what has become of my life. The guilt of teasing this old fool for the sole purpose of humiliating Robert is making its way to my conscience. Exploiting the elderly is wrong on so many levels.
A few blocks before reaching my building I start to yawn. "Oh goodness, I'm so tired," I complain. Disappointment fills the air as David's enthusiasm quickly fades. He catches on quick, an attribute I'm truly appreciating.
We reach the front of my building and my tone returns to formal, just in case he had any hope still lingering. "Thanks for the ride and the dance Mr. Banks."
"Anytime," he says and hands me his business card. "Give me a call if you get a chance."
"I just might do that. Good night handsome," I tell him and exit his Jaguar.
Exhausted, I begin to get ready for bed as soon as I step inside my apartment. Checking my voicemail I see that I have fifteen messages. I play the first two. Just as I thought, they are of Robert screaming and cursing in between empty threats.
"I'm coming over. If you're not home or if anyone's over there, we are done Leah. Done!"
"Please do me the favor," I mumble to myself before deleting all his messages. Knowing I am going to have trouble sleeping, I take two sleeping pills prior to getting in bed. Within a few minutes I feel the pills taking its effects. I'm already dosing off...boom...boom... boom.
"Leah! Leah!" Robert screams out, banging on my apartment door causing me to wake back up.
"I hate my life. This needs to change." I say to myself, or maybe to God, grab a pillow and place it over my head.
Maybe I'll get lucky and suffocate.
I woke up this morning with a new life in mind. After very little thought and no planning, I've decided to move. Relocate. Start my life anew.
Where? Don't know.
How?
Not sure, but I can't spend more than five minutes at a time thinking about it or I'll lose my nerve and chicken out.
At eleven o'clock this morning, when I woke up, the first thing I did was update my resume. It took a few hours to meticulously express all of my accomplishments as an accountant and manager, but it's a pretty impressive resume, if I do say so myself. Although the economy is crap and it might take months, I think I will eventually find the right job.
Now...Where should I start looking?
New Jersey?
No, too much pollution.
Connecticut?
No. Well, maybe.
Philadelphia?
Another maybe.
Okay then, it's between Connecticut and Pennsylvania.
Which one?
I'll decide how all reckless people do - flip a coin. After searching my apartment for one, I find a penny.
"Heads Connecticut, tails Pennsylvania." I say a little prayer and toss the round piece of copper in the air. Placing my hand to catch it, I miss by less than an inch. The coin hits my hardwood floors and rolls under the couch.
You've got to be kidding me.
While dragging the couch from on top of the coin my doubts begin to surface. Maybe this is a sign. Maybe I shouldn't move. How about if my new life is worse than my life here, much worse? Before I can sort my thoughts, the couch is moved from on top the coin. I see my future - tails. I take a deep breath. Pennsylvania it is.
Later on today I'll email my updated resume to the top head hunters in PA. No, not just anywhere in PA: Philadelphia. There should be more job opportunities in a city. There's this weird head hunter that's been aggressively calling and emailing me about job opportunities for the past year, maybe I'll finally give her a call. I can't believe I'm really going to go through with this. I'm really going to leave New York and Robert.
The phone rings. I let the machine pick up.
It's Kari. "Leah pick up. I really need to talk to you." This is her third time calling today. I already know what it is she has to tell me. I can wait. Robert hasn't called yet. I guess he's still pissed about last night, or pretending to be. He's good at faking emotions. Lying and deception are his specialties. Sluggishly I undress, walk to the bathroom, turn the water on, and pour the bubbles solution in the tub. While the tub fills with warm water, I look down. My hands are shaking. Maybe I should start seeing my psychiatrist again. It's been a while since I've seen her. She was just too nosy, always in my business. She isn't God; she didn't need to know every single detail about my past.
I step into the tub and submerge myself under water. I love the feel of the heat on my skin. Slipping lower and deeper in the tub I hold my breath as my head submerges under the water.
What if I stay here and never breathe air again. Never return to the surface. Never return to life and all of its lies and unkempt promises. Would anyone miss me? No. They'd just fake it. Nothing is ever sincere.
My heart beats slowly. I like it.
When you die is it better than living? When the heart beats cease does the misery also end? Is the dead better off? I'd be better off. There is no hope for me in this life. All that lies ahead of me is disappointment. I am cursed. There is no happy ending, no happily ever after. There's misery, more misery, and when I think I've had my fill, more misery waits in the pot for me to ingest.
When I was younger, when my mother was still alive, when my parents were still married, when my father still loved me, and my innocence was not yet stolen, I was filled with ideals about the life I wanted to have, the person I wanted to be. I loved the idea of love: vulnerable, overpowering, and unmanageable. I craved it. Even as a little girl I wanted to be loved and to love without inhibitions and angles. Now I know this type of love, if not all love, is impossible to attain. So I'm willing to settle. It's my hope, my aspiration, my preference over loneliness. This is what the world has offered me. This is all that life has in store for me. My dreams along with my youth will continue to slip out of my hands with the passage of time.
From beneath the water I can hear the phone ringing. It startles me, gasping for air my body jerks up, surfacing.
I pick up on the fourth ring, "Hello."
"Hey, I've been trying to reach you all day. Were you running? You sound out of breath."
"No. I'm in the tub. What's up?" I brace myself for the answer.
"I'm pregnant," she blurts out with excitement. Biting down on the pain I congratulate her. "How far along are you?"
"Seven weeks."
"I guess that's why you were feeling so sick. Did you tell Carol?"
"Yeah." Being the last to know deepens the cut. She knew it would.
"Does Mr. X know?"
She hesitates. "I don't want to get into this with you Leah. This isn't about him it's about my baby."
"Kari, I have to go. I'm in the tub."
"Ok," she says disheartened.
I quickly hang up. I could tell that she wanted to speak for hours but I'm only human. I can only take so much.
Today was one of my hardest days. I spoke to five head hunters from Philadelphia and all were impressed with my resume but all told me the same thing, "There's nothing out there. The economy is bad. It might take several months to land an interview and at least twice as long to get a job offer."
I'm stuck here.
As I walk into my apartment my phone rings. "Hey, Carol."
"What's up?"
"Why didn't you tell me that Kari is pregnant? How long have you known?"
"Two weeks, and it wasn't my business to tell."
"Alright," I tell her bitterly. "I'll remember this."
"Save the drama Leah. I'm pregnant myself and I plan on staying drama free for the rest of this pregnancy."
"What did you want Carol? I'm busy."
"I just called to see how you were doing."
"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"
"What happened Saturday night? Did Banks get lucky or what?"
"Yeah, he took some Viagra pills and we went
at it all night."
She laughs. "Robert went insane when he realized you went home with Banks. He stormed out the house like the devil was on his tail. Poor Kari was left stranded. I had to drop her home."
"You should have let John take her. You're pregnant you shouldn't go out that late."
"You think I am going to send my husband home with Kari alone. Do I look stupid to you? I'd be asking for trouble." I don't respond.
"She's my friend and I love her but I don't trust her with my man. Anyone who does is foolish."
"I don't believe in babysitting grown men."
"Ok Leah, you keep on living in fairy tale land, maybe someday you'll relocate to reality to reside with the rest of us."
"A man can want who he wants and love who he loves. It's not my right to deprive a person of that freedom, with obligation, guilt, tears, or anything else."
"Whatever. There's no way you can believe that."
I change the topic. "Kari wants me to go to her first ultra sound. Can you go instead?"
"Heck no, I am not condoning her scandalous behavior, and besides I didn't knock her up. She needs to have Mr. X man up and take her. Why would she even ask such a favor of you?"
"We've been friends since junior high Carol. We're sisters."
"And what am I, chop liver?"
"Please don't fake like you're offended you tough skinned crocodile."
"I could have been offended, I'm pregnant and emotional."
"But you're not."
My cell phone rings - it's Robert.
"Let me talk to you later Carol, I have to fix myself something to eat."
I hang up with Carol and pick up my cell. "Hello."
"What's up?" He sounds guarded.
"Kari's pregnant, did you hear?"
He pauses. "Nah, John didn't mention it."
"Oh, I thought she might have told you herself."
"Why would she tell me that? We're not close like that. How far along is she? Who's the father?"
"That guy that she's sneaking around with of course."
His tone remains guarded. "I never met him."
"Me neither, I don't even know his name, but I know that he's an idiot." My temper begins to get away from me. "Only an idiotic moron would get his woman on the side pregnant. How careless, how stupid…"
"Calm down Leah. I didn't call to talk about Kari and her baby or her baby daddy. Kari is no saint. The baby probably isn't even the poor guys."
"Yes, it is. But I'm sure he'll probably use the same excuse because he's a coward. I hope his girlfriend leaves him. She probably will. What woman would put up with that? It'd be easier to cut clean. Besides, it's not like he loves her."
He takes a deep exasperated breath. "Are you done? Leah this -"
"And can you believe the bastard doesn't want to go to the ultrasound with her. She had to ask me to go."
"Are you going?"
"No, it's not my place. He needs to man up and go."
"Look," he snaps. "Instead of focusing on Kari and her baby why don't you focus on us, and possibly having my baby one day?"
"I don't plan on being trapped with your little bastard Robert."
"Since we no longer have sex, neither of us needs to worry about that." He strikes below the belt.
There's silence on the line.
He finally speaks. "What happened Saturday night? I spent a half an hour knocking on your door, why didn't you let me in?"
I hesitate.
"Well?"
My voice is shaky, "Robert...We're over…I can't do this anymore."
He stays silent for a few seconds. "Are you sure that's what you want? You need to think this over Leah. After five years -"
"I wish you the best Robert and hope you find the right woman or maybe you already have. Good-bye."
"Leah, think -"
I hang up before he can mind fuck me anymore. Looking down at my hands I see that they are shaking uncontrollably. I have to focus to put the phone down on the kitchen counter. Afraid that my legs are about to buckle, I take a seat at the kitchen table. An anxiety attack is about to come on. Carefully, I walk to the medicine cabinet and take two Atavans.
The beginning of a matter rarely resembles its end. If I had known this is where our relationship would lead, I would have definitely skipped that Christmas party five years ago.