Chapter 9
Even with the comfort of a year’s salary tax free I still hyperventilated at the gift list for Webber’s wedding. He was a notoriously snobby young man and that stuck up so and so wouldn’t ask for anything unless you had to sell one of your kidneys to pay for it. I’d always preferred it when a wedding couple falsely told their guests that their presence on the day was a gift in itself. Fair enough, it’s a complete lie; everyone knows you’re still obliged to buy them a gift but at least it’s one you can choose yourself, possibly from a sale somewhere. I know I sound cheap but weddings are an expensive business if truth be told.
My other concern was who I would actually get to accompany me to the wedding of the year. It went without saying the list was an extremely short and unattractive one. In fact, the only victim I could even think of was Victoria, who was probably the last person I wanted to be associated with but sadly, was possibly the only female willing to be associated with me. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world to go it alone but it wouldn’t have been a pleasant experience all the same, considering every other Tom, Dick and Harry would have a partner of some description so I didn’t really have much choice in the matter.
I mulled over the dilemma whilst in the shower fiddling with my man lumps. It’s not a necessary pastime but it seems to be inherent in a man that, at any given opportunity, a hand finds its way to their testicles for a good old rummage around. Sometimes there’s a justifiable reason for it, like in Glasgow, but on the whole it’s an unconscious natural instinct which occurs, on average, maybe one hundred and thirty two times a day.
I’d kind of been disturbed on my last inspection which is why I must have missed a rather suspicious lump tucked away around the back of the left nut. Boy, did this fleshy watery sucker scare the living daylights out of me. To the professional eye it may not have seemed very large but, to me, it felt like a third testicle and when you think you’ve suddenly developed a third testicle you should really make the effort to go and get it checked out.
If my parents taught me anything it’s that you only go to the Doctors in the most drastic of situations. As kids, we were shipped off to school with ring worm, a 105 degree temperature and in my brother’s case, even herpes, so when we did go to the quacks we knew it was serious and I deemed developing a third bollock to be pretty serious so I rang the Doc with a touch of trepidation in my voice, to say the least. It took me a good few attempts to get through mind; for a service dedicated to people’s health they don’t like to answer the phone much, but on the fourth or fifth attempt some old dear gently greeted me with a croaky hello.
“Hi, I would like to see a Doctor please,” I said, stating the obvious.
“Okay dear, what would you like to see the Doctor for?” asked this doddery Irish voice.
“Well, it’s a private matter really. You know…to do with…downstairs.” She couldn’t see me but I gestured towards my crotch just for clarification.
“Well, you’ll have to tell me dear so I can ascertain whether or not you need to see the Doctor. Don’t be shy; I’ve heard it all before.” I bet she had as well. She sounded about one hundred and ten so I was bloody certain she’d seen a thing or two in her time.
“Well, I’ve found a lump, you know on my teste,” I said sounding rather nervous. I didn’t know if teste was actually a word but I’d never really discussed them with an old woman before and testicles or bollocks just seemed too crass.
The old bird kind of chuckled to herself, not in a condescending way, more in a reassuring tone.
“Don’t worry dear, we’ll get that looked at. If you tell me your name we’ll get you booked in with Doctor Keefe at four o‘clock if you like?”
I’d only been to the practice once before, when I’d had the runs for three straight days and I thought my organs were about to fall out, so I was still pretty unfamiliar with the set up; who was who and what was what but I snapped up the afternoon appointment regardless. At Clays, I had to virtually get down on my hands and knees and beg Katrina to let me leave early for personal reasons so I guess one positive from being unemployed was it allowed me to take any appointment I damn well pleased.
When four o’clock came I sat in the waiting room with a middle-aged woman who was breast feeding her baby girl. Babies always attract attention and, although I tried to avert my eyes, I sort of found them drawn to the little critter, wondering how nice it would be to have one of my own sometime in the future. I sort of got carried away thinking about it so it was pretty embarrassing when she started frantically kicking about and became detached from the nipple, leaving it exposed as I continued staring with a smile on my face, like some breast feeding sicko. By the time I realised what was going on the Mother was looking at me in disgust, trying desperately to cover herself up but even if I tried to reason with her she wouldn’t have believed my warm hearted innocence so I was pretty thankful when the receptionist called my name and ushered me into the nurse’s room. I presumed I was seeing the nurse as some kind of pre-check before I went in with the big Doc himself but after nervously explaining to her what the situation was she asked me to get up on the bed and pull my kegs down.
“What, in here? With you?” I asked.
“Oh no, it won’t just be me, Doctor Fiona Keefe will be in shortly and we will examine you. It’s standard procedure.”
“Fiona?” My voice rose. “As in…a woman?”
“Yes. Is that okay? I thought the receptionist would have informed you. We only have a female Doctor here now and we have to have two female members of staff in the room when looking…at a case like yours.”
No the receptionist did not bloody inform me, I thought. She mentioned no such thing. If I’d known I was getting the meat and two veg out in front of a couple of women I might have thought twice about going to the appointment in the first place.
“We can always reschedule an appointment with a male doctor from another practice if you’d like…but it seems somewhat of a waste of time to have you here and not look at it,” she said, almost daring me to let her take a peek at the little fella.
“Err, no, no, it’s okay. I mean, you’re right, I’m here now and I’m sure you do this thing all the time,” I muttered as she stood there smiling and nodding, eager to see my schlong. “I was just surprised that’s all, I expected to see a man.”
“No, it’s just us here. Don’t worry, we’ll be very gentle,” she worryingly responded before walking out of the room to fetch her accomplice.
I wondered what she meant by being gentle. I had imagined all they would do was take a look at it and pull thoughtful faces before sending me elsewhere to have it lopped off so what need was there for a gentle approach? Would they remove it there and then? My thoughts began to run away with themselves so I, quite with justification I felt, began to get nervous and sweat as I pulled my trousers down an inch and clambered up onto the tissue laden bed. I knew I would eventually leave a sweaty stain on the paper towels but it was too late to back down at that point in time.
When the Doc came in she repeated the questions the nurse had asked, which made me question whether they actually communicated with each other, before asking me to pull my kegs down even further so she could have a proper look. Apparently an inch was not sufficient enough to get a good handful so the pair simply stood back and watched me struggle with my pants before both clasped eyes on my damn penis. Dr Keefe then started rooting around amongst my crown jewels, searching for my third nut with her cold plastic gloves on. I didn’t think she’d have a problem spotting it considering its size but she was clearly inept because she had to ask me to show her where it was so, again, I lay there with both women staring at me whilst I man-handled my private parts. It didn’t help much when I glanced up and saw the nurse staring at me with this big grin on her face. She was probably trying to be reassuring but I can tell you now, it felt like she was laughing at the little fella.
Eventually I fo
und the sucker; it must have been shy because it had moved further round the back and seemed to have shrivelled in size but when I held it in place for the Doc she piled right in and began feeling me up again, making umming and ahhring noises as she did so. All the time the nurse stood there smiling, chuckling away at the few inches god had blessed me with.
After a minute or so the Doc rose up from my nether regions and informed me I had a rather small cyst, quite a common thing and nothing to be worried about. Fiercely relieved at both the news and the end of the ordeal I began to pull up my kegs but as they lingered around my thighs, she stopped me short.
“Not just yet, I want to check the other one as well,” she demanded with her hand firmly on my boxer shorts. So we went through the whole process again, this time with the left nut and again, the Nurse stood there with an unnerving grin on her Cannock chase, keeping dedicated contact with either my cod-piece or my eyes. It was extremely stressful process which is why when the whole god damn experience had finished I ran out of the room as quickly as I could, only turning back to see the trail of sweat I had left on the paper laden bed.
Having to go to the Doctors for any illness isn’t particularly pleasant but being forced to man-handle your own testicles whilst two strange women stand there and stare at you has to be one of the least enjoyable experiences a man can go through. I know its standard procedure for women to have their lady bits ogled every few months but they’ve not got their own fingers down there when they do so. Still, I’d been given the all clear so I was in good spirits when I got home and opened the door just in time to hear James scream ‘Yee-ha’ at the top of his voice before collapsing in a heap on his bedroom floor.
I’d heard his screamed sexual crescendos before of course, including the somewhat disturbing ‘Vanessa Feltz!’ which I was party to at University but since he had been with Jess, hearing his shouts of passion had become like a dagger to the heart, knowing she was on the receiving end, but what could I do? She had made her bed and now had to lie in it, whatever condition that left her in.
However, it turned out Jess wasn’t actually on the receiving end at all that day. Barely thirty seconds after the cowboy had finished his duties he came bounding down the stairs, stark naked and in a clear state of panic.
“Shit, shit, shit, Tel you have to help me,” he whispered in a desperate voice.
“Jesus James, put some boxers on will you, it’s still half erect for Christ sake,” I pleaded, shielding my eyes from his throbbing member.
“Tel, please help, please. Jess is here. I don’t know what to do. I’ve got that girl from Glasgow upstairs,” he said, spitting out his words.
“From Glasgow! Now? How the hell did that happen?”
“She was on a job in Bristol and I said she could come round. I thought I’d never see her again but you can’t hide from Facebook and besides I didn’t think Jess would turn up did I? She will kill me if she finds whatshername upstairs.”
“Too right she will. What were you thinking?” I asked as the doorbell rang.
“Shit,” he quietly cried, bouncing up and down on the spot. “Listen, you answer the door, tell her I’m not in. Get rid of her mate, please. Say you have a girl here,” he said, eyes wide open, before he ruffled my hair, “here let’s mess you up a bit, make it look like you’ve been at it,” he continued before pinching my cheeks. I hadn’t agreed to anything but he carried on regardless, ideas running through his brain at a hundred miles an hour, trying to make it look like I’d just been involved in a passionate and dirty love making session.
“Get your hands off me. God knows what’s on them.”
“What?” It’s just man juice.”
“Jesus James, you’re sick, get away from me.”
“Have you never touched man juice before?”
“Yeah, my own.”
“Oh, I presumed you grew up playing soggy biscuit,” he said, totally serious.
“Listen, I’ll answer the door and say you’re not here but that’s it, I don’t want to get involved in this,” I told him, unsure of how convincing I would be if questions were asked by Jess, knowing I wanted her for myself and this would be a perfect opportunity to split them up.
“Okay, okay. Thanks mate. Please just get rid of her,” he said as Jess impatiently rang the bell for the second time.
I waited for James to disappear upstairs and then I opened the door to be met by Jess in a knee length pencil skirt and tight black top. She looked like a Greek goddess and I immediately turned to custard.
“Hello Tel,” she said in that playful way of hers, giving me a wicked smile as her hair shone in the sun, almost tempting me to rip those clothes right off her back. I could have eaten her she was so appealing.
“Hi Jess, you okay?” I asked, torn between protecting my friend and giving him up. She tried to walk passed me but I blocked her way. I didn’t want to, I wanted her to waltz upstairs and catch a terrified James and perplexed Dimples hiding in the closet but unconsciously I must have felt the need to do the right thing because I acted without thinking. It didn’t help me much but I was always feeling the need to do the right thing.
“Sorry Jess, I can’t let you in.”
“What? Don’t be daft Tel?” she said trying to enter again.
“I’m sorry, I would but it’s just not a good time,” I replied, struggling to displease her.
“What? What’s going on Tel? Where’s James?”
I couldn’t think of anything to say so felt silence was the best form of defence. It normally never is but thinking on my feet has never been a forte of mine.
Jess was annoyed and stared passed me into the hallway, searching for answers.
“Where’s James?” she repeated.
“He’s not in.”
“But his car’s here.”
“He’s gone to the gym.”
“James…the gym? Yeah right?”
“Yeah he said he was getting fat.”
She mulled this over for a second, staring into mid-air, picturing his body before half nodding, periodically satisfying herself that this was a plausible reason for James to take up exercise but as she did she caught site of a woman’s handbag and shoes carelessly thrown to the ground near the bottom of the stairs.
“And whose are those shoes Tel and whose is the handbag Tel?” she demanded, starting to get angry.
I turned to look, just as surprised by their appearance as she was. I could have killed James. Why did he not think to get rid of the evidence? Any cheat of reasonable intelligence would have gotten rid of the evidence at the first opportunity but not that scuzz bucket. Still, he only had himself to blame I thought. I would merely be left to pick up the pieces of Jess’s broken heart and lustful body.
“Well Tel, I’m waiting for an explanation…”
“They’re….” I badly wanted to tell her the truth. “They’re…” All I needed to do was let her in. “They’re…mine.”
“Yours!” she said recoiling in horror, suddenly thinking of me as a secret cross dresser.
“No, no, not mine, they’re with me, I mean they belong to a girl who is with me,” I told her bowing my head in shame.
“You…have a girl up there Tel?” she asked, feigning a smile. The very mention of my name through her succulent, magical lips pulled at those damn heart strings again.
“Yeah, that’s why I can’t let you in. We’re…busy at the minute,” I replied painfully.
“Oh,” she said, looking almost hurt, which was kind of a shock but also sort of pleasing to see. Was she jealous? “Oh, I see, yes of course. Who is she?”
“She’s…her name is Victoria,” I answered, saying the first name that came to mind and immediately regretting it.
“Victoria. Is she your girlfriend?” she asked, seemingly put out by the new woman in my life.
“No, no, we’re just friends that’s all.”
“More than friends Tel,” she scoffed. r />
“Yes, I guess so.” I replied, trying to justify myself to her.
“Where did you meet her?”
“Through a friend.”
“Right, and she’s nice is she?” she continued, asking more questions, wanting to know which harlot would dare stop me from pining over her.
“She’s…special,” I said, sort of telling the truth. Victoria was special alright.
“Well, she must be special if she’s round here on a Tuesday afternoon straight from work.”
“Well…I suppose,” I said, not wanting to mention my dismissal. One bombshell was enough for a day.
“Okay then, well I guess I better be off,” Jess announced in self-pity, “Will we be seeing her at the wedding?”
I still hadn’t asked Victoria to the wedding but without realising it I’d sort of backed myself into a corner and so had to if I wanted to keep up the charade. All this just to protect Jess from finding out that her wonderful boyfriend had been cheating on her, when it was the exact outcome that would have played directly into my own hands.
“You might. We’ll see,” I said as she turned to walk away. “Jess…” I said stopping her. I wanted to apologise, say I was sorry, tell her I loved her but I couldn’t, it wasn’t right. “Nothing.”
“Bye Tel,” she said and quickly walked away.
James was extremely complimentary about my acting ability and, of course, was delighted with the outcome. His girlfriend was totally unaware of his wandering ways and Dimples was waiting upstairs for him prepped for further action. It couldn’t have worked out better for that scuzz bucket but I didn’t know what to think at the time. Jess had seemed hurt and shocked by the possibility of me having another woman in my life but if it was so hurtful what was she doing with James in the first place? Did she genuinely care for me or did she just like to have me on the end of a shoe string, knowing I longed to be with her, even if she didn’t feel the same way. Was my attention enough to satisfy her ego or did she have genuine feelings for me? I was confused by it all, women are so hard to read, but it was done with, I had made my bed and would have to lie in it, alone, listening to James increasing repertoire of sexual crescendos.