become The Brown Shorts instead. And why are The Army known as Doughboys. If they gotta wear green shorts, sounds like they’re not eating enough dough. Maybe they should be known as Veggieboys. In all fairness, I should point out that back in the day, all the services used to wear khaki. But khaki isn’t brown. It just looks brown to the untrained eye.

  I didn’t believe the brown underwear thing. I suspected my brother was pulling my leg and having a good laugh offending my delicate Air Force sensibilities. So I got on the web and googled Marine Corps Uniforms. What a relief, no brown underwear in sight. But as soon as it got better, it got worse again. There was a link for Marine Corps kilts. I clicked on the link, and there was the cutest little plaid skirt! Now you can call it anything you want, but a kilt is just a an above-the-knee skirt for men. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that!) But why would a US Marine need to wear a kilt anyway? Is there a US Marine Corps dashiki for African-American Marines? Or how about a US Marine Corps turban for Sikh Marines? I’ve never seen a male Marine in a skirt, but if I did see one in a skirt; the idea of a skirt being worn over brown shorts by a man who thinks his shit don’t stink, would make me run away. Just run away!

  I was so upset that I googled Marine Corps Underwear—I know! I feel so dirty.—and it turns out I was right all along. My brother was pulling my leg. Marines don’t wear brown underwear at all, at least they’re not issued brown drawers in boot camp. They are issued green skivvies, just like The Army, and they are also issued white briefs, just like normal people. And when I think about it, for people shitting in enemy infested woods, skivvies make sense. If their commercials are to be believed, even when they’re not in the woods, solders in The Marine Corps and The Army do a of climbing over walls and swinging on ropes over little mud puddles. You could break a nail doing that stuff, not to mention getting awfully dirty. That’s the advantage of whites. White shorts make a man more efficient. For example, while you’re running that extra rinse cycle to get the bleach out is the perfect time for painting your toenails that perfect shade of Air Force blue or Old Glory red. A good airman should be multi-tasking, always multi-tasking.

  My youngest brother was in The Navy. There is almost a whole generation between us, so we've never talked about what color underwear they wear in The Navy. I do know that if I hadn’t gone into The Air Force, my second choice would have been The Navy, because there are places in The Navy where it’s almost like being in the Air Force. I will give this to The Marines though. I googled Marine Corps Uniforms, and on the first click, I got an entire site of Marine Corps uniforms. Googling the uniforms of any other service led me into sites where I had to click several times and then log in. The Air Force threw up a site full of badges, insignia, and patches. I guess if push came to shove, I could use the patches like a fig leaf. I can do that because my underwear supports me.~~ back to table of contents

  ULTIMATE CONSPIRACY

  Who really shot Kennedy? Where was President Obama really born? Any thing to keep a conspiracy theorist theorizing. But for all their suspicious minds the conspiracy theorists are missing the biggest and longest running plot ever hatched against America and all mankind. Instead of worrying about the president's birth certificate, we should be trying to find out the truth about chickens.

  Chickens are taking over the world and the cows and the pigs are in on it too. I would never have believed chickens could be so malicious because they give and they give. But all that giving is just a cover for their diabolical plan. The cornerstone of their scheme is that, like the beast in "The Restaurant at The End of The Universe", chickens want to be eaten. Thus they become ubiquitous and indispensable, and just when we are lulled into a fat and greasy and false sense of security, they will strike.

  Oh, they're not going to kill us, just weaken us with the bird flu, so that we can't fight back and have to lie in bed eating chicken soup. Don't forget that chickens want to be eaten and we humans are incorrigible chicken eaters. In order to eat chickens, we have to breed chickens and the more chickens we breed, the more chicken we eat and the more chicken we eat, the more chickens we breed...

  And the more chicken we eat, the more necessary they become. Already, you can't make chicken soup without a chicken. You can make Hawaiian chicken without a Hawaiian and you can make Greek chicken without a Greek, but you can't make either one without a chicken! We are breeding billions and billions of the little white peckers. Nobody pays much attention to little white peckers and every new chicken hatched is incrementally, albeit minutely, smarter than the one it replaced.

  Chickens are like The Borg. The individual doesn't matter. Only the henhouse counts, and in their quest to make the world their henhouse, the faster we eat them, the better! A national independent laboratory has determined that just within the last fifty years, the I.Q. of the average chicken has increased from 0.000015366 to 0.000015367.

  In some ways, they are already ahead of us. Simulations run on top secret government computers have proven that all that barnyard clucking is really a complex digital code. We humans can't communicate digitally without the aid of computers, while chickens are hatched with the skill.

  Chickens may have already developed the framework for a secret world government. Documents hidden deep within the Pentagon point to the existence of a Liberal, Al Qaeda, Yardbird axis of evil. If you're muttering, " a Liberal, Al Qaeda, WHAT? axis", it just goes to show how little we know about the chickens in our midst.

  And when chickens decide to reveal their dominance by communicating in analog: English and French and Swahili, and so on, I'm guessing they will be as insufferable as the Jews in Palestine. Imagine being awakened at the crack of dawn by a crowing rooster. You roll over and shout, "Shut up, you stupid bird!"

  And the rooster shouts back, "Eat me!"

  And what's to stop them from going to the same bars that we go to and picking up chicks. There are plenty of women out there who already prefer chicken, bone in of course, to a man. We all know where this going. It's only a matter of time before you come home to catch your wife or your daughter or your girlfriend in bed with some big cock. And even then we won't stop eating them.

  Wake up America! Wake up world! Breast men and leg men, join a support group and become floret men. Broccoli is our friend. No more chicken in our stores. Pullet off the market!~~ back to table of contents

  I AM NOT A RACIST

  My significant other, the Bombastic Brit, and I were accused of treating some recent guests in our home like white trash. I'm very upset about it. It was a woman versus woman battle. The other gentleman and I had nothing to do with it, until I had to throw the rabble out. I don't know how one treats white trash, but since I tossed them out without the benefit of a garbage can, I guess they're accusing me of white littering. I never litter. I looked outside a little after the hostilities ended and they weren't blowing up and down the street, so I don't see what the problem is.

  During the flare up, Woman A (not her real initial) said something that the Bombastic Brit didn't like, so the Bombastic Brit stormed out of the room. Woman A then accused the Bombastic Brit of being a snob. I will grant that the Bombastic Brit snubbed Woman A, and I will grant that snobs snub, but this was not a snooty snub. Woman A said something snotty about the Bombastic Brit's daughter right in front of the Bombastic Brit, thus causing the snit that precipitated the snub.

  But why did Woman A say that we treated them like white trash? Why couldn't she just say that we treated them like trash? She could have said garbage, filth, refuse, shit, or excrement, et cetera, and I would have had no problem. But I take umbrage with white trash. The word "white" adds a racial slur that did not occur. All I did was stand by my woman, who was somewhere else at the time. I wish they'd leave me out of it. And I really resent being accused of littering.~~ back to table of contents

  AT LEAST HE CAN HOLD HIS LIQUOR

  If it were up to me, there would be no stem cell research because there wouldn’t be any stem cells lying around. I’m not sure whe
re stem cells come from, but I think they are left over test tube babies.

  I fathered a test tube baby once and, trust me, it’s a bad idea. Things were going pretty well until I went out and bought a vase one day. My son’s mother accused me of seeing another woman and left me. I found myself a young single parent struggling to raise a child afraid of sonic booms and opera singers. Each year for Mother’s Day, instead of those little kits of perfume and soap, he would give his mother a bottle of Windex. One year I suggested a box of candy instead and he sent her a dozen roses.

  I wish my son and I had a better relationship. I was a kid once and you’d think that I'd see right through him, but every little problem gets magnified all out of proportion. Maybe he’s been smoking something. Well, it’s too late to put the baby back into the bottle, and everybody has an opinion as to what I should do. But that’s all anybody has: an opinion. Any time anything is done in an unnatural way, it’s bound to raise all sorts of unanticipated, unprecedented, and unanswerable questions; and creating embryos inside bottles is about as unnatural as it gets. I know couples who can’t conceive and who want to have a child. That still is not a good
Eulis S. Morgan's Novels