to make up ground lost to imported conservatives, and eventually gay marriage and a woman’s right to choose will be irrevocably recognized.
The US can survive with one more amnesty, but it’s time to take back control of our borders. If the politicians in Washington can’t show real gains toward controlling our borders, the voters should kick them out of office, and after this next amnesty, any new illegal immigrants should be kicked out of this country. I guess I'll just to stand up straight.~~ back to table of contents
ARE THE CHINESE COMING?
The Chinese are coming! The Chinese are coming!
I certainly hope so.
I keep hearing shrill cries from the news media about how we're about to be overwhelmed by the economic power of 1.2 billion Chinese. Why is that bad? Seems like a desirable outcome to me. We never invent anything important. The Chinese, on the other hand, invent important stuff like gunpowder, pasta, and cheerleaders. That's right. The frantic antics of scantily clad females at sports events evolved from the frantic antics of scantily clad females, who used to precede the Mongol armies doing cartwheels and chanting "Ghengis! Ghengis! He's our man! If he can't do it, Kublai Khan!"
And do you think that all the computers in the world will ever equal spaghetti? For the last 500 years or so, the world has suffered because Chinese innovation has been stifled by European oppression. Now that the most populous nation in the world has finally thrown off the yoke of imperialism, they will start inventing important stuff again. And not a minute too soon, because I'm getting tired of spaghetti.~~ back to table of contents
UNCLE SAM NEEDS OLD FARTS
The wars with in Afghanistan and Iraq could be a blessing in disguise. All we have to do is draft the over 50 crowd, male and female, and send us to fight the terrorist lackeys. Without even trying, I can think of 3 overwhelming national problems that would be solved.
The depressing parade of casualties:
People only care about kids getting killed. But we're old. We're going to die soon anyway, so what's the problem? And the combat isn't too strenuous for us. A seventy year old grandmother can drive a truck up the highway to Baghdad. Forming up convoys come naturally to old people. How many times have you seen a whole line of cars stretched out behind some little old lady, in a big GM car, dawdling down the road?
The Social Security shortfall:
We won't draw down Social Security because we'll be employed by the Pentagon. And what are the chances of us old farts spending a year in Afghanistan and coming back alive to draw down Social security later? Not good. Just think about it. A mortar shell goes off by the side of the road. One soldier is killed by the explosion, but nineteen others die of heart attacks! We're almost talking Stalinist purge here.
The Medicare shortfall:
See the Social Security shortfall above.
And there's one other problem that might be solved. That is the problem of people, who have lived long enough to know better, allowing their megalomaniacal leaders to start unjustified wars.~~ back to table of contents
HARD TO TRACK
I'm afraid of losing my significant other. I don't mean losing her as in getting dumped. I mean losing her like the guy who bought a camouflaged truck, parked it in the woods and then couldn't find it again.
You'd think that it would be easy to find my SO anywhere. She is an attractive woman: slim and graceful with fine features. She was born in Britain and I always wonder why the British let her leave. They probably didn’t realize what they had because she was just a child when she left. Now the Brits are probably kicking themselves and going, “Who Knew?”
Why can’t I keep track of such a nice looking woman? I live in terror of accompanying her to a department store. It’s like tracking the Taliban in Afghanistan. I turn my head and she disappears into the racks of clothing. I stand there looking at the backs of heads, but somehow she melds with all the other white women in the place. She has a thick head of hair, but I can't remember the color du jour. I try to remember what she was wearing when she was right beside me in the car, but I can’t seem to recall whether that blouse was solid or floral. I finally have to give up and find a seat somewhere and sit there like an obedient child until she condescends to fetch me from my perch. She never has a problem finding me.
I was stuck on a bench in Kohl’s for an hour yesterday while she bought a bra. I was stuck for an hour, and then she comes back with something that looked like a couple of bottle caps tied together with string. It took her an hour to buy that!
I never had this problem with black women, and I’m feeling very self conscious here because this is no laughing matter. Black men do not lose their women. If this ever gets back to the barber shop, I might as well shoot myself.~~ back to table of contents
EPISCOPALIANS ROCK!
Those Episcopalians are OK in my book. They just approved another measure toward easing the path to marriage for same sex couples. That people of the same sex should be allowed to marry is a good thing. I have absolutely no idea if they will have sex as a couple, but they can do that without getting married. And since when is marriage about sex? Judging from my own experience, marriage is more about not having sex. As a bachelor, there’s no limit to the amount of sex that a rapacious pussy hound can have. (Reference the memoirs of Wilt Chamberlain.) But in the traditional view of marriage, when you tie the knot, it’s a slip knot around your dick, which is promptly squeezed off until your spouse decides on loosening the noose. I don’t know about most guys, but the older we both get, the more reluctant my SO is to loosen the old slip knot. If marriage were about sex, I trade her in for two twenties.
Trading down is not that easy because the bond between two people entering into Holy Matrimony should be based on more than sex and procreating. Kids can be nice, but they just don’t hold up as a good reason for vows of eternal fidelity. And the bonds that do justify taking solemn vows can exist between any two people, including people of the same sex. When one considers that there’s no reason to assume that just because two people are a couple they’re having sex with each other, even people who oppose the gay lifestyle can still support same sex marriages.
A big part of the problem with same sex marriages is that there is no problem with same sex marriages. The problem is with grouchy old heterosexuals who can’t get over the yuck factor of two men holding hands, kissing, and… You see, I’m one of those grouchy old heterosexuals, and I can’t even bring myself to mention anything beyond hand holding and kissing. But I’m also not God or Jesus and therefore I don’t assume I have the right to make the rules for other people. That’s why those Episcopalians are OK in my book. None of the Episcopalians who voted for allowing same sex marriages were God or Jesus either, and they had enough sense to see that. Jesus didn’t make any rule against same sex marriages, and he certainly had enough time for making such a rule had he wanted to.~~ back to table of contents
GIVE TO CURE DEATH
Forrest Gump may have been on to something when he noted the day of the week on which people died. “She died on a Saturday.” or “She died on a Tuesday.” In a recent article in the prestigious Journal of This and Tha, and Whatever, Dr. Grant Mony, Direct of Research at the prestigious Underground Basement Institute To Chart Health Undulations, waxed eloquent on the relationship between our health and the days of the week. Hoik! Ptui! was fortunate to get an interview with the very busy Dr. Mony.
Hoik! Ptui!: Dr. Mony, Good morning.
Dr. Mony: Goodness gracious! Is it morning? I haven’t been topside for days. Lots of disease up there, you know.
Hoik! Ptui!: Tell me about it… Well, on second thought don’t tell me about it. What I’d like to talk about is the correlation you’ve claim between death and the days of the week.
Dr. Mony: Yes, my research team and I have discovered a positive correlation between death and the days of the week. Everybody dies on some day of the week. The data is irrefutable.
Hoik! Ptui!: But, Dr. Mony, everybody dies someday.
> Dr. Mony: Precisely! It was generally thought these people died of disease. The research conducted here at UBITCHU indicates no relationship between disease and death at all. Many people get diseases and they don’t die, but eventually, one of the days of the week is going to kill you. That fact that some people have a disease at the time of death may be a mere coincidence.
Hoik! Ptui!: Well, what about hours in the day, or minutes in the hour, or seconds in a minute? Do these increments of time also cause death?
Dr. Mony: We don’t know. That’s why so much more research needs to done. What if we could prevent death simply by eliminating the thirty-third second in each minute of every day? The potential for saving lives is enormous!
Hoik! Ptui!: History has shown that everybody dies, an—”
Dr. Mony: History! Blistory! Just because up until now everybody has died doesn’t mean that everybody dies. I think Americans know this fact intuitively. There is a, well, I'll just call it folk wisdom, that’s says it's OK to live unhealthy disease-ridden lives as long as we don't die from it. That's why so much of our health costs are about prolonging death rather than prolonging our lives.
Hoik! Ptui!: What do you mean? Can you give us an example?
Dr. Mony: Take cancer. We spend billions of dollars each year trying to cure cancer. We may never find a cure for