for the fact that the Princess was good looking.
“Got a cig, dude?”
“I’m not a dude,” Knob said.
“Then what are you?”
“I’m a girl,” said Knob
“Oh my god, not again!” the woman said.
“What do you mean?” Knob asked.
“There’s a three-hundred-pound tarp-covered Sasquatch inside trying to convince three guards, the Warden, a janitor and the guy that fixes the guess-your-weight machines the same thing.”
“The… what… same thing?” Knob asked.
“THAT SHE’S A GIRL, QUASIMOTO HUMPERDINK!” Screamed the woman.
“My name’s not Quasi…” Knob stuttered, “…my name is… Knob.”
“Username checks out…”
“What?” Knob asked.
“Appropriate name, KnobNuts,” said the woman.
“It’s just Knob.”
“Princess Karmen-Leea, Dèbutante,” Karmen began, “Fashion Queen, PHD, RMA, Marine Biologist, and President of the Susquehanna Condo Association, at your service.”
“I’m Knob, only Knob.”
“Good for you.”
“Hey… your just the gal we’re looking for!” Knob blurted.
“What?” Karmen asked.
“Look, I have a Princess-Class voucher for the planet Blue-Balls. I’m here to rescue you and take you back to your planet! Princess Karmen-Leea glanced at the voucher and looked up at the girl.
“Coolio,” Karmen said, “let’s go.”
“Oh, by the way,” Knob asked, “how come they let you out?”
“I did my time,” Karmen said, “after all, I only killed six people… and three of those were telemarketers.”
During the walk to the Teleport-Airport, Knob had a feeling that she had forgotten something - it was a hard-to-place nagging notion that left her complacent yet somehow troubled. Oh well, she said to herself, she’d remember it sooner or later. That and the twelve reminder strings tied to her toes made her wonder about her short and long term memory, but then in a flight of fancy, she decided to forget it.
“It’s so nice to walk with you Karmen,” Knob said.
“That’s a nice thing to say,” Karmen said, “you know, if you fixed yourself up, maybe buy some real clothes, take a shower, wash you hair, put on a gas mask or something, you’d almost be passable... you know, as a human.”
“That’s a nice thing to say, too!” Knob said. “It’s fun to walk with you, I like how you don’t make a ‘yaak’ sound every fifteen minutes…” Knob said. Then the girl stopped. “HOLY CRAP!” she screamed.
“What?” asked Karmen.
“MUFF!” Knob yelled.
“What’s wrong with your muff?” the Princess asked.
“It’s not a… thing… it’s a who.”
“It’s a who?” Karmen asked.
“She’s my partner,” Knob said. After a sideways look at Knob from Karmen Knob elaborated. “…my Impossible Mission partner…” then awkwardly, she added, “…we’re not Lezzies or nothing…”
“What?” Karmen asked.
“I mean, you know… that’s what you were thinking,” Knob blurted.
“No I wasn’t, and I wouldn’t care,” Karmen said.
“Oh, well,” Knob mumbled, “I’m glad we cleared that up. Anyhoo…”
“So is Muff normal… or like you?” Princess Karmen asked.
“I… okay, what?”
“I mean, what’s Muffin like?”
“I think you saw her, she was the one covered in the blue tarp…”
“OH DEAR LORD!” Shouted Princess Karmen Leea. “I mean, I’m sure she was a good partner.”
“I need to go back and get her,” Knob said.
“Okay whatever,” said the Princess, “We’ve only walked one block.”
Karmen and Knob stood outside of the Detention Center and paused. Knob assumed the ‘Thinkers’ pose and Karmen stood by, staring quizzically at the pseudo quasi girl. At that moment the Detention doors burst open and Muff was thrown out. Rolling down the stairs at a fast clip for such a large girl astounded passerby’s, of which there were exactly one - passing by was a slightly dizzy Whirling Dervish, and he stared.
“AND STAY OUT!” someone yelled as the Detention Center doors slammed shut. Knob and Karmen helped Muffin to her feet. Luckily the blue tarp was unscathed but it left the rotund gal with rug burns on both knees.
“Are you okay, Muffy?” Knob asked.
“NO!” Muff said. “They said I was a mammoth aardvark and needed to be held at a zoo but they only have one and it only is for a dog like it’s a Shih Tzu and that since I was an aardvark that I couldn’t be subject to decency laws and so I couldn’t even go to the zoo or nothing and they were mean to me and made me feel bad who’s that?”
“It’s the Princess.” Knob said.
“Princess Karmen-Leea, Dèbutante,” Karmen began, “Fashion Queen, PHD, RMA, Marine Biologist, and President of the Susquehanna Condo Association, at your service.”
“I’m Muffin,” Muff said. “Only Muffin.”
“Good for you.”
Once again Muffin and Knob were seated in a noisy, bustling, all-but-deserted Teleport-Airport lounge.
“I’m depressed again…” Muffin groaned.
“Relax, we have the Princess.” Knob said. “Now all we have to do is trade the remaining credits for plane fares, get back to Blue-Balls, trade Karmen to BobDave the Castle Chas Master Debater for the Marzipan contract, get back to Earthphat, deliver the contract to Lord Plebe, take everybody to see the guard, CSR and sales guy at the Marzipan Distribution Warehouse, get the deliveries, put out tons of the almond paste stuff so that all the roaches tummies burst and they all die or disappear and we’re… you know… back to our great lives… euthanizing puppies.” Knob said. Her thought trailed off quietly. “NOW I’M DEPRESSED…” Knob shouted.
“WHAT?” Princess Karmen asked.
“I said now all we have to do is trade the remaining credits for plane fares, get back to Earthphat…”
“No, I mean ‘WHAT’ as like an exclamation of excitement and surprise.” Karmen said. “That’s the plan?”
“Sort of,” Knob said. Muffin made her usual ‘yaak’ sound.
“Blue-Balls is a crap-hole,” the gorgeous Princess said, “and all that BobDave ever does is stare at me with his hand in his pants. No way I’m going back there.”
“But you have to,” Muffin exclaimed, “It’s the only way we can get the Marzipan contract…”
“What Marzipan contract?”
“The one DaveBob has,” Knob said.
“Did you see it?”
“No, why?”
“Because why would he have one?” Karmen said. “He has no money, that quote-unquote ‘castle’ is only the remains of a discarded movie set, it’s mortgaged to the hilt, he hasn’t got a dime and Blue-Balls doesn’t have a roach problem.”
“YOU MEAN…” the girls said together, “He went all the way to Crack-Cake and dealt with the Germans just for us?”
“NO!” Karmen said. “I mean that he’s full of crap.”
“You mean that he’s full of crap,” the girls said together, “and has a Marzipan contract for us?”
“NO!” Karmen said. “I mean THERE IS NO CONTRACT, HE’S JUST USING YOU!”
“Oh,” the girls said together, “that’s bad…”
“Let me ask you something,” Karmen began, “When DaveBob gave you the tickets, voucher and debit card, what did he keep from you in return, to make sure you’d come back?”
“He took our sunglasses and gas can.” Knob said.
“They must have been awfully nice,” Karmen said.
“No… the sunglasses had only one lens and the gas can had a hole in it.” Knob said.
“But you said…” Muff began.
“Shut up, Muff,” Knob said. The Princess let out a jolly laugh followed by a mirthy giggle.
“Let me ask you something,
- do you really want to go back to EarthPhat and your crummy jobs?” Karmen asked.
“Not really,” said the girls together. “Earthphat is grungy and dingy and has had too many Nuclear wars and has a bad roach problem and the puppies look so sad… when… you… you know…”
“You guys ever heard of Alrica?” asked Karmen.
“No,” the girls said together.
“It’s a paradise planet run by a good king and a guy named Ash.” Karmen said.
“A good king and a guy named Ash?”
“Yeah, the kings are fair and kind but Ash is sort of a pervy drunk lush type of guy…” Karmen said, “But it’s still nice there. You guys interested?” Both girls looked at each other. Both nodded.
“Yes, I think we are…”
“How much is left on the debit card?”
“Ten Credits.”
“Follow me…” Karmen said. Soon the three girls were at the Luft-fernando-lamas ticket desk, in front of a clerk. Karmen caught a glimpse of herself and the two girls in a polished stainless-steel wall panel and sighed, their image looked as if the Statue of Liberty was bookended by two termite mounds. Maybe, she sighed, Ash could help the two meatballs find some style there on Alrica, but FIRST, she knew, she had to get the passage.
“We’d like to trade this voucher, the ten credits on this card, and a Detention Center-Grade lacy garter for three ticket to Alrica,” Karmen said. The clerk scanned the card and voucher and stuck the garter in his pants.
“I’m sorry, ma’am, umm… miss,” the clerk, a heavy-set young man with acne, said. “The voucher is only good for passage to Blue-Balls. It’s non-transferable, per a purchaser named BobDave.” Karmen leaned forward, and Knob saw that the top of her dress was now revealing a lot of cleavage.
“See, that’s the problem,” Karmen said in a soft, subtle, sulky voice. “DaveBob is a fat slug-like creep, who double parks, loves Miliee Vanilee and thinks