“Yeah, that’s a good word for it. Worldly. Okay, you know what we can do then?” he asked, excited again. “I’ll order in some food for us. For a little while at least, we can pretend we’re living together. How’s that?”
“Fine,” I said.
“Wow, things are really changed. You don’t seem nervous about anything anymore.”
“Does that worry you?” Please say yes, I thought. Find a reason to back out of this.
“Hell, no. It makes me happier, happier than ever. What would you like me to order, Chinese, pizza?”
“It doesn’t matter. Whatever you want,” I said.
“Okay. I’ll take care of it. What time should we meet? Can we meet at six? I’d like us to have some time together before I have to take you home and behave myself,” he said, laughing.
“Six is fine,” I said.
Ordinarily, if I had been in any way an ordinary girl, this would all have been exciting to me. I’d be as happy as he was. I’d do all sorts of things to prepare for the special night. I might have my hair and nails done and maybe buy a new outfit. I’d have a close friend in whom I could confide, and we’d giggle about what we knew would happen. If she didn’t have a boyfriend of her own, she’d be terribly jealous, but she would also be happy for me and live vicariously through my revelations. If she had a boyfriend, we’d grow even closer, because we’d be sharing the passions we felt and the experiences we had. We’d talk forever on the phone, comparing kisses and sex and things we said to our boyfriends and they said to us. We’d spend hours talking and annoy our parents. We’d walk through the hallways between classes as if we had been chained together. Other girls would envy us and, because of that envy, compete for our attention, in the hope that we would tell them something secret, share a little of the romantic gold.
But none of this was true for me. In a few days, I would instead help engineer the most gruesome death for the boy for whom I had the deepest feelings. That smile would be gone forever from his face. I couldn’t help but wonder when he would laugh for the last time, when he would smile or look at the world around him and feel wonderful. Would it be because of something I said or did? And what would be his final thoughts about me? Would they be angry thoughts or just utter shock? Would he be so disillusioned about life and love that he would welcome the darkness?
“Hey, you look sad about all this. Aren’t you at least half as happy as I am?” he asked me, reaching for my hand.
I forced a smile. Then I looked at my watch. “We’d better go back. I don’t want to keep her waiting. Mainly, I don’t want Ava to be angry about anything right now.”
“From what you’ve said about her, neither do I,” he said, rising quickly. “Where do you live? You’ve never told me,” he said as we walked back to campus.
“In Brentwood, off Sunset. I’ll direct you Saturday night.”
“Great. We’re close. More time for us,” he said. “Where are you meeting Ava right now?”
“At the car,” I said.
“I’ll walk you there.”
“No, let’s just say good-bye here for now. Ava can be a bit of a pain, teasing and such. She might say or do something to embarrass us, me mainly, or she might have a change of heart once she sees us so happy together. She can be very jealous at times.”
“I thought she was Miss Self-Confidence. Jealous?”
“Yes, jealous.” He had no idea how true that was.
He shrugged. “Whatever you say.”
He kissed me. Surely, he feels the restraint in my kiss, I thought, and waited for his reaction, but he just smiled and said, “I’ll count the minutes until Saturday at six.”
“Me, too,” I told him, and walked quickly away.
Ava was already in the car when I arrived and got in.
“I can see that went well,” she said. “Even though you didn’t look as happy about it as I told you to look.”
“I can’t help being nervous. How can you be so sure Daddy’s not going to be very upset, Ava?” I asked as we started away. “Even though we’re leaving soon, it’s still a rule violation, isn’t it, and that’s what the renegades do, right?”
“Leave that to me,” she said. “If I’m in charge, he won’t blame you for anything, but even if he’s angry at first, I’ll fix it. The bottom line, Lorelei, is he’ll end up being very proud and satisfied with you. And isn’t that what you really want, anyway?” She waited for a moment and then turned to me. “Isn’t it?”
“Yes,” I said, but felt sure that I was not skilled enough to cover up the doubt I was having.
“You’ll feel better once it’s over,” she promised, nodding as though she were convincing herself.
My last hope was that either Daddy or Mrs. Fennel would see how worried and edgy I was the remainder of the week. They’d ask driving, penetrating questions of both me and Ava, and once they learned what was being planned, they’d put a stop to it, and that would be that. Twice during the time we were all home together, Ava warned me about wearing too long a face and snapping at Marla in front of Mrs. Fennel.
“You’re endangering us both,” she said. “Get hold of yourself. You’re soon going to move to a new home and have a new sister. You should be full of the same excitement Marla is exhibiting. Stop moping and acting irritable, or you’ll raise suspicions. You’re just lucky Daddy and Mrs. Fennel have their minds occupied with other things; otherwise, we’d be finished. You’d be finished.”
I promised to do better, and I did try, but I was eager to retreat to the sanctuary of my room. I spent hours looking at what could be my mother’s picture and thinking. I went on the computer and found the address for the orphanage. What if I went there and pleaded for information? Wasn’t there something, anything, about my past that would help me decide what to do and strengthen my resistance?
Whether Ava confided in her or not, Marla seemed the most suspicious, especially because of how short I was with her. She was full of questions when I took her to school. I tried to be as nonchalant and indifferent as I could, but she had Ava’s perseverance and persistence.
“I know you two are planning something soon. I don’t know why I can’t be told. I’m tired of being treated like a little girl.”
I gave her Ava’s stock answer to everything. “Your time will come. Be patient.”
“Patient,” she said. “I hate that word as much as Mrs. Fennel hates the word sorry.”
That made me laugh, and for me at the moment, the sound of my own laughter was like balm on a wound, soothing and relieving.
“Don’t treat me like some cute little child,” Marla snapped.
I pressed my lips together and then said the word. “Sorry.”
“Oh!” she cried, and pounded her thighs.
It was the closest I came to laughing in those last few days.
Ava, whether to placate Marla or just to keep me busy, did plan something for the three of us for Friday night. With Daddy’s and Mrs. Fennel’s blessings, she took us to do some shopping first and then to have what Mrs. Fennel called “goat food” because it was garbage to her. Ava and I let Marla decide where we would go. To our surprise, she chose a steak house. Of all the food we ate away from the house, Ava enjoyed steak the most. I did, too.
All night, Marla tried to pry out of us what we were planning for Saturday.
“Why do I have to wait to find out? I should be just as trusted as either of you in our family now. More, even. I haven’t made the mistakes Lorelei has made, have I?”
“See what I mean about her?” Ava told me. “I feel sorry for you when I leave.”
I looked at Marla and saw the sparks in her eyes. Ava was right about her. I wished I could leave with Ava and not have to fend Marla off. Why hadn’t I had the same driving, ruthless ambition when I was her age? Why didn’t I have it now?
Marla watched us both very closely Saturday morning. The moment either of us moved from one room to another, she followed.
She’s going to ruin thi
ngs yet, I thought, or, rather, I hoped. I was tempted to make it easier for her to discover something, but Ava was watching me almost as closely as Marla was.
As was usual when a day for Daddy’s feeding arrived, Mrs. Fennel moved about the house with more energy. It was as if nourishing him would nourish her as well. For his part, Daddy was mostly withdrawn, resting quietly in his suite. Mrs. Fennel brought him something for lunch, one of her magic elixirs created out of one of her secret herbal formulas. When we were younger, she often would have us drink one of them. It was sweet and syrupy but not appetizing to look at because of its greenish-blue color.
Late in the afternoon, Ava advised me to go to my room and spend time on my hair and my makeup and carefully choose something very sexy to wear, one of her hand-me-downs.
“It’s like an assassin loading his gun,” she explained, and laughed. I saw how much she was enjoying this. My nervousness and reluctance were obviously an integral part of that pleasure. She grew more serious. “You have to keep him turned on, Lorelei, even when you bring him up here. That’s important. His blood should be hot with desire and passion. Make love with him as much as you can the whole time you’re with him, but of course, be careful.”
“Why is getting accidentally pregnant such a disaster for us, Ava? I know a number of girls at school who have gotten pregnant and had abortions. No one seems to make that big a deal of it.”
“Some girls. Tramps,” she said.
“It happens. People lose control.”
“We don’t,” she said sharply. “We are always in control, Lorelei. That’s the whole point. I can’t believe you don’t feel these things as deeply and as instinctively as I do. Honestly, you really do worry me. Doing this tonight will go far to bring you home.”
“Bring me home? But I am home.”
“Home to Daddy,” she said, which only made things more mysterious and confusing. “Let’s not talk about all of this now. Let’s just do what has to be done and hope that afterward, you will answer your own questions.”
“Is that what happened to you?”
“Of course. Go get ready,” she ordered. “Daddy and Mrs. Fennel expect us both to be preparing for tonight. They just don’t know the target. Go!” she ordered when she saw I was still hesitating.
I hurried to my room. Marla swooped in like some buzzard moments after I began my preparations.
“What do you want?” I asked her. She was really annoying me now.
“I just want to watch. You’re so lucky going out with Ava again, especially tonight.”
I tried to ignore her, but she was making me jittery and uptight. Nothing was going the way I wanted it to go. My hair was difficult, and whatever I chose to wear seemed wrong. Finally, more curious about her now than she was about me and my night, I turned to her to put her in the spotlight instead of me. “Tell me something, Marla. Did you ever have a secret crush on any boy? Do you have one now?”
“Crush? No,” she said. “Not like you mean,” she added after a moment.
“How do I mean?”
“Love and all that gook.”
“You really think that’s what it is, gook?”
“What else is it? They nauseate me.”
“Who does?”
“Girls my age who drool over boys. Every time they start, I have to walk away.”
“Doesn’t that get them talking about you?”
“I don’t care what they say or think about me. Why should I? Why are you asking me these questions? Did Ava tell you to do that?”
“No. I was simply curious, that’s all,” I said, brushing out my hair. Looking at her in the mirror, I saw her eyes narrowing with suspicion. She looks more like Ava than I do now, I thought. But how could that be? How could either of us really look anything like the other?
“Where are you two going? You can tell me that, at least. What city?”
“You’ll have to ask Ava.”
“I’m asking you.”
I turned around. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t enjoy doing this, but she brought out the meanness in me. “You’re being impatient, and you’re annoying me at the wrong time,” I said. “Daddy’s not going to like hearing about that.”
She recoiled. “I don’t care where you’re going. Go and have a good time,” she fired back, and left.
I sat looking after her a moment, wondering what it would have been like to have a little sister who looked up to me, idolized me, and took pleasure in spending time with me, instead of one who couldn’t wait to put on my shoes and replace me in our daddy’s eyes.
A little after five, Ava came to my room to inspect me.
“Good job,” she said. “You put your heart into it.”
I knew she was making a pun, teasing me, but I said nothing.
“Daddy wants to see you before we go.”
“He does?”
“Don’t act so surprised. He saw me before I went out the first time. There’s nothing special about him asking for you now.”
She had to make that point, perhaps to convince herself more than to convince me.
“Just be careful. Remember, we’re doing this to correct your mistake, one made so soon after you brought that renegade here. This has to be a surprise, or it won’t work. Understand? Lorelei!” she shouted, making me nearly jump out of my skin when I didn’t answer immediately.
“Yes, yes, I understand.”
“Okay. Go up to him,” she said, stepping back. “Now.”
I took a deep breath and walked out.
Mrs. Fennel was waiting at the end of the hallway. She looked at me as I approached her, and nodded. “This is for you,” she said. She reached for my left hand and slipped a ring over my pinkie. It was identical to the ring Ava wore. “Wear it well,” she said.
I looked at it, touched it, and then looked at her. She was actually smiling warmly at me.
“You’ve come a long way from the little girl who used to help me in my herbal garden. We’re going to be proud of you, as proud as you will be of yourself. Tonight you will truly become your father’s daughter.”
I looked behind me. Ava was standing there smiling as well. Mrs. Fennel nodded again and went into the living room. I gazed at the stairway. Right now, it resembled a steep hill to climb.
“Go on,” Ava whispered close to my ear. “Get his blessing.”
I started up the stairway. My legs felt heavier and my breathing harder. Get hold of yourself, I thought. You could bring the whole house down on you tonight. I sucked in my breath, fixed my clothes, and primped my hair one more time before knocking on his door.
“Come in, Lorelei,” Daddy called.
He was lying in his big bed with all the curtains closed and only a small lamp on. It threw a deep yellow glow over his face. His eyes were darker than ever. He pushed himself up on his pillow and beckoned for me to draw closer.
“Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “I’m simply conserving my energy for later. You do look breathtakingly beautiful, Lorelei. I can feel your sexual energy. It’s fully blossomed within you. You’re truly irresistible.”
He held his hand out for mine and pulled me gently to him. Then he kissed me on the forehead. His lips felt so hot I thought they might burn me if he held them there much longer, but he didn’t stop. He moved them down over my eyes, my cheeks, until they were at my lips, moving as if his lips were an artist’s paintbrush and he was outlining the picture on his canvas. I had become his canvas in many ways, I realized. His lips grazed mine, and then he kissed me harder.
The feelings that flowed through me came as a frightening surprise. They were frightening because they filled me with unexpected pleasure. He had often sat me on his lap, had comforted me when I went to sleep and had bad thoughts, and had worn the mantle of my father and protector as I grew up. I had never dreamed he would touch me in places girls reserved for other men.
“Yes,” he said. He was like the love chef sampling his newest creation. “I can taste your sex. You are so ready, and Av
a has been a good influence on you, hasn’t she?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
“I want you to understand that what you are doing tonight is carrying on a great history, enabling it to live. You bring immortality to me. You will truly be one of us now. Are you excited?”
“Nervous,” I said, and he laughed. He had kissed me, held me, and looked into my eyes and had not seen what I had expected and feared he would see.
“That will come and be gone forever after tonight.”
He touched the ring Mrs. Fennel had given me.
“These are all made out of the Patio stone. As long as you wear it now, you will be one of us and protected. Go now, my darling daughter, and begin to fulfill your destiny.”
He released me and slipped back down onto the pillow.
“I have to rest a while,” he said. He closed his eyes.
I stared at him for a few moments. I could see the paleness in his face. I thought I even saw lines where there had never been any. And then, suddenly, his eyelids opened again, and instead of the ebony black, there was a blazing red. It stabbed me with an electric sharpness that penetrated my heart.
I turned and hurried off like someone who had seen her own death.
19
Judgment Day
“Did he give you his blessing? Wasn’t it wonderful?” Ava asked me when we started out of the house.
“Yes,” I said, and got into the car.
“And he gave you the family stone,” she said, nodding at my new ring. “I hope you realize how lucky you are now, Lorelei, and what a privilege it is to make sacrifices for Daddy.”
“You’re not ever afraid? You were never afraid?” I asked her.
I thought she might become angry again and snap at me, but she was quiet. She simply won’t answer, I thought. It felt like minutes of silence. “Of course I was afraid,” she finally replied. “But I instinctively knew that once I had completed myself for Daddy, I would never feel that sort of fear again. We don’t fear anything, Lorelei. We are aware of the renegades, but we don’t fear them. We prepare ourselves, remain cautious and alert so we can defend ourselves, but even that has no fear in it. You can’t imagine right now what you will feel once it’s over. You don’t have to try to imagine. I’ll tell you, because I am sure you’ll agree with me soon. You’ll feel like a goddess, immortal and invulnerable. There are times when I feel the whole world is here for me and me alone. The air was created for me to breathe. The sun was created to warm me, and the night was created to protect me. Everything is for me, only me. When you are filled with that feeling of euphoria, that exaltation and rapture, you will see exactly what I mean. So, yes, I felt fear once, but it is so far back in my memory I can’t remember what it was like.”