— Snap, Terry says, staring at the stricken Alice.
— You’re kind, Mrs Ulrich, like muh ma wis. Terry’s usually kind n aw, but no tae real faither Henry. Yir usually kind but, ay, Terry?
Once again Terry is feeling that unaccustomed sensation of being shamed. He starts to say something, but is indvertantly saved by Alice, who is moved enough by Jonty’s honesty, tightening her bony fingers on his thin arm, to cough out in concession, — Aye, sometimes he wisnae an easy man.
— No easy, Jonty repeats, staring at a fat woman who waddles past them.
— Well, ah’ve got tae go, Alice says, looking at Terry, who seems in no hurry to move, as Jonty continues his tale.
— The coffin we’ve goat is huge, n it took aw ay hur insurance and life savins. Aye sur, it took the loat! Biggest in the toon, Jonty proudly exclaims, then tries to reel in his excitement. — Ah’m worried because yin ay the crematorium folks sais thit thair oven wis too wee tae handle muh ma!
— That coffin shite’s a con, they dinnae burn it. Terry bangs the back of his head against the wall at the passing of a black-stockinged nurse, who rips an electric shock through his chemically dulled nerve endings, hitting a set of buffers somewhere behind his testicles. — They jist load the boady intae the oven, he gasps through gritted teeth, fearful of the spike in his pulse.
— Naw, Terry, naw, that’s jist in Amerikay n Europe n that, Jonty insists. — Ower here they burn the loat, goat tae by law, the Citizens Advice boy tell ays. Aye sur, by law.
— It’s true – Jonty’s right, Alice sharply informs Terry.
— Aw, right, fair dos, Terry shrugs, conceding the point and turning to Jonty. — Listen, mate, ah’ll pick yis up n take yis tae the funeral the morn.
— Ta, Terry! Jonty’s eyes light up. — That’s barry, cause wi nivir hud the money tae hire a car. Ken, for the family; me, Hank n Karen. Aye sur, wi wir gaunny git the bus. Two buses. Aye sur, two buses.
— Nae need. Terry lets out an exhalation of breath. — Ah’ll pick ye up.
— Ta, Terry, that’s awfay good ay ye! He turns to Alice. — Ay, Terry’s good, Mrs Ulrich. That’s how ah eywis call him Kind Terry. Aye sur, Kind Terry!
Alice looks doubtfully at her son and forces a smile at Jonty. — Ah suppose he’s got his moments.
Terry struggles in another shroud of guilt as he recalls shagging Jinty. Jonty is obviously devoted to her. Yet, there was more to it, and he curses his reflective, post-sexual imagination and the restless insights it bestows on him. There is something about Jonty that reminds him of his old mate Andy Galloway.
Jonty is slow and a bit simple compared to wee Gally, a smart, nippy, quick-minded, fast-talking wee guy. Though in some ways more vulnerable because of his unworldliness, as he seemed to draw bullies like a magnet, Jonty, at the same time, is more resilient than Terry’s thin-skinned boyhood friend. — Right then, lit’s git you hame, Terry says to Alice, as much to force himself out of his own ruminations than anything, then turns to Jonty. — What time’s the funeral?
— Noon. Aye sur, noon. Noon. Aye. Aye.
— What say ah pick ye up early, at eight, n we git a wee round in doon your local links? Relax ye?
— The links, sur, aye, the links! Jonty enthuses. — That’ll be barry.
So Jonty goes up to see Henry. He sneaks a look through the window, loath to be victim of the old man’s spiteful tongue. But to Jonty’s relief, Henry is lying spangled, deeply unconscious in the bed. He is therefore able to regale the other three terminally ill patients on the ward with a soliloquy about Penicuik, before a nurse comes by and suggests that it might be time for him to end his visit. Jonty reluctantly heads off to get the bus back home and another tongue-lashing from Karen who warns him about going outside when they are so close. So close to what? he wonders.
Terry, after dropping Alice off at Sighthill, heads home to the South Side for a late-afternoon nap. He finds it easier to sleep during the day than at night, with his dreams less torturous. He rises at around 8 p.m. and has a fish supper, then ventures out in the cab and does a few jobs, dropping off the odd message of ching for Connor, before wrapping up at around 4 a.m.
After a couple of hours of ugly, fractured sleep, he drives out to Penicuik to pick up Jonty for a frustrating round of golf at the local course. He’s found Jonty to be, like himself, a decent novice but one who is too easily distracted. His putting goes all over the place when he sees a black Labrador by a red car across the street on the edge of the course, and it never recovers till both are out of sight.
They drive back into the former pit town, picking up Karen and two elderly relatives for the funeral. — Ah telt her she’d be deid if she kept eatin food, the woman says to the man, who sits stiffly, looking ahead, his mouth hanging open.
— Hank n that ur gaunny lead us, we huvtae follay thaim, aye sur, Jonty explains, pointing across the road to a great haulage truck, on the back of which is placed a giant coffin. Terry looks into the cabin and sees that Hank is with a woman and a burly guy who looks like the truck’s driver. Hank waves across at Terry, who returns the gesture, then decides to cross the street and say hello. On his approach, Hank feels moved to jump down from the cabin, and they shake hands. — Good to see ye again, sorry it hus tae be under these circumstances, Terry says robotically.
— Comes tae us aw, Hank replies in the same tone. — Appreciate ye comin, n drivin them n that.
— Nae bother. Sorry for your loss.
— Aye, the wrong yin went first.
— Amen tae that, Terry happily endorses Hank’s caustic observation. An occasion, one of the first when he’d seen Hank, is dredged up in his memory. He must have been around fourteen, maybe fifteen, and he was up the town with some mates, Billy, Carl and Gally, at the east end of Princes Street. They were probably on a Saturday-shoplifting expedition before going down to Easter Road for the football. There was Henry, dragging this crying, distressed six-year-old down the road. Terry was hyperventilating, he felt for the kid, actually wanted to take him away from the old bastard. But to do what? His own son, Jason, had been on his way to arriving in the world, and he hadn’t known what to do then, or subsequently. He’d just blanked Henry that time. His friend Carl had seen him do this, then looked at him and turned away in a strange kind of proxy embarrassment. Carl, well dressed, with his loving, funny, exuberant and interesting dad, who seemed to have enough time for them all. Even Billy had his cheerful, stoical old man, very quiet compared to his outgoing wife, but always a rock-solid presence. He remembers envying his friends with those guiding, protective figures; men who created havens in their modest homes, instead of wreckage and chaos. He thinks about his own offspring. Jason has thrived, in spite of, or perhaps because of, his relative absence. Guillaume and the Ginger Bastard seem to be doing okay. Donna is a different story. It dawns on Terry that she’d not just needed him to be there, but also to be different. And he’d come up short on both counts.
— This is Morag, Hank points up at the woman in the cabin.
Morag nods thinly, and Terry returns a smile, reflexively flirtatious, before a thump in his chest slackens his expression.
The extra-large coffin is unable to fit into the back of a traditional hearse, so Marjory MacKay is transported to the crematorium on a flatbed haulage truck, reminding Terry of the juice lorries he’d worked on as a youth. The vehicle slowly rumbles into the city, exasperating Terry as he’s stuck behind it most of the way. At this point, the tramworks actually have made crossing Princes Street a frustrating, turgid experience, and he feels all his cabbie’s scamming fibs coming back to haunt him.
Eventually, the party, running a little late, pull into the crematorium. The funeral had indeed cleaned out the meagre family finances. As well as the gargantuan coffin, they needed to hire extra bearers to carry the monstrous box into the chapel of rest. The men look very relieved to lay it on the belt. — That’s nivir gaun doon that space, Jonty, Karen remarks from the front pew.
>
— Aw aye, Karen, aye it is sur, Jonty nods. He and Hank had talked to the funeral people. He nods to Hank. — Ay, Hank? Ay it is! Measured it aw, ay, Hank?
— Fuckin is, Hank says curtly to Karen.
The service passes smoothly enough, although anxious mourners glance nervously at each other as the creaking weight of the coffin is lowered towards the cellar and the incinerator. Terry studies the Book of Psalms, trying not to be distracted by the women present. Few people were expected as Marjory had been isolated for many years, but several loyal Penicuik folk with long memories have shown up. Billy MacKay, barely recognised by Jonty, Hank and Karen due to his silver hair and his own portly frame, is in attendance.
If Jonty feels a little uncomfortable at the presence of Billy, he is jolted to see Maurice, in an electric wheelchair, sporting a black corduroy jacket with a dribbling stain on the lapel. He moves over to Jonty. — Shaw the notish . . . notish in the paypuhr . . . thoat ah’d pey ma respects . . .
— Respects, said Jonty.
Terry approaches them. — Whae’s that cunt? he asks Jonty, vaguely recognising the crumpled figure in the chair from somewhere.
— Jinty’s faither, aye it is.
— Aw . . . nice ay the boy tae show but.
— You . . . you . . . did the thing . . . wi the fleece . . . Maurice suddenly tugs on Jonty’s sleeve, slavers trailing down the side of his face, — fleeeeccee . . . fleeeceee . . .
Jonty pulls away. — Now now . . . now now . . . c’moan, Maurice. C’moan now, he protests.
Terry is raging, and grabs the handles of Maurice’s chair and pushes the distressed, protesting figure towards the exit. — Fuckin beat it, Stephen Hawking, perr wee cunt just loast ehs fuckin ma!
— Ah loasht . . . ah loasht . . . Maurice groans as Terry swivels him round and bumps him down a set of steps, leaving him in the rain, before jumping under the canopy to have a quick cigarette. As he pulls out a smoke from the case, Maurice sees the gleam of the gold and becomes more agitated. — Kay . . . kay . . .
— Fuck sake, Terry mutters and produces a cigarette. Maurice’s trembling hands fumble for the case, but Terry snatches it away. — Watch, ya cunt, he snaps, standing back and lighting a cigarette and sticking it between Maurice’s lips, before heading inside again. — Boy’s a bit simple, but ye cannae cause distress tae the bereaved, he announces, taking in the acquiescent nods.
Down in the basement, underneath the small chapel, Craig Barksdale and his colleagues, Jim Bannerman and Vicky Hislop, watch the huge box descend towards them. — Fuckin hell, Vicky says excitedly, turning back and looking at the incinerator. — That’s never gaunny fit in the oven!
— Aye it will, Jim contends, — measured it masel. Thaire isnae much clearance but it’ll work oot awright. The biggest problem is gaunny be getting it oantae that trolley and over there. I’m not sure it’ll take the weight.
— Only one way tae find oot, Craig says ruefully, as they watch the coffin descend from the creaking hoist, on to a set of rollers. Then they take a corner each, sliding the box on to the trolley, one end of which Vicky has fastened by a catch to the edge of the table. She pulls at the front of the coffin and it begins to slide towards the trolley. — We’re gaunny huv tae git this ower there quick, or these legs might no hud, Jim says, as Craig and Vicky nod in agreement.
Sure enough, the legs of the trolley groan and buckle as Vicky undoes the clip and it careens drunkenly towards the roaring furnace, the three operatives struggling to keep it straight. Craig surges forward and lowers the coffin edge on to the bottom jaw of the large oven. The heat drives first him, then the others, back to the periphery of the room. The weight of the coffin makes it impossible for them to push it all the way into the incinerator by the use of the huge ‘pizza poles’ as Jim calls them. The three of them need all their weight on one pole before they are able to force it, inch by sweaty inch, into the furnace, the heat scorching at the skin on their faces. By the same painstaking means, they are able to shut the cast-iron doors of the incinerator.
Sweating, gasping and greatly relieved, Jim signals to Craig, who stoically hits the controls to send the already flaming furnace up to its highest setting. The trio then gratefully go to the large refrigerator, procuring for themselves bottles of ice-cold water, keeping its door open to enjoy the luxury of the cool air. After a couple of minutes, Craig checks the gauge. The temperature dial in the furnace is deep in the red zone. — Gaffer, he shouts at Jim, — check this . . .
— Jesus fuck – Jim begins, looking at the dial. He has never seen it so high. He is about to shut down the incinerator, but then a massive bang explodes in his ears. The cast-iron doors blow open, as flames spew and lumps of burning fat erupt out from the furnace like grenades. One hissing chunk flies into a screaming Craig Barksdale’s face.
Upstairs in the chapel of rest, the service has just concluded and the mourners have started to file out, when the massive explosion rumbles beneath their feet. Smoke billows out of the space under the podium where the coffin had sat, belching up into the chapel.
The mourners panic and quickly flee the building, gathering outside in the rain. Gasps hang in the air as they see Craig, the left side of his face horrifically burnt, being assisted up from the basement by his boiler-suited comrades, Vicky and Jim. Thick black smoke surges after them. Somebody has called the emergency services and already distant sirens are filling the air, heading towards the crematorium.
— She was too fuckin big, ya daft cunts! Vicky gives a coughing, rasping shout at the funeral director, who stares with traumatised eyes, and the crematorium manager, who shuffles nervously.
Firemen wearing masks and protective clothing seem to have appeared almost immediately as vehicles pull out of the car park to let them gain access. The main hold-up is getting Marjory’s lorry out of the way. Soon though, the firefighters are unravelling their hoses and attacking the blaze, forcing their way into the basement operations room, emerging with their suits covered in thick, black grease.
As Craig is loaded into an ambulance and Vicky is put into a second vehicle, to be taken away and treated for smoke inhalation, Jim explains to the fire chief that there was so much fat in the body, it was probable that it caused the oven to overheat. The likelihood was that Marjory’s gargantuan mass had blocked up some of the ventilation ducts, and the dramatic temperature rise caused a massive explosion, resulting in Craig being showered in burning body fat.
Throughout the commotion, Jonty MacKay glows with pride. — That wis muh ma, he says repeatedly as Karen weeps hysterically and Hank looks on in shock, — aw this jist for her!
— Ah’ll be gaun the same wey, his sister wails, as Hank shakes his head and exchanges a glance with Morag, acknowledging their joint desire to be anywhere but here.
— But Ma’s away now, Karen, she cannae enable yir fat, Jonty says supportively, — no sur, she cannae.
— Mibbe . . . Karen painfully moans, as the firefighters battle on, and the ambulance takes Craig away, a piece of Marjory MacKay moulded into the side of his burning face. Terry stands back by the gates of the crematorium to grimly survey the scene. He knows that tonight will bring him more nightmares.
42
AULD FAITHFUL 3
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