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The Vilbar Party
By EVELYN E. SMITH
Illustrated by KOSSIN
[Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from Galaxy Science FictionJanuary 1955. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that theU.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.]
[Sidenote: _"Nuts to you!" was what Narli knew Earthmen would tellhim ... only it was frismil nuts!_]
"The Perzils are giving a vilbar party tomorrow night," Professor Sloodsaid cajolingly. "You _will_ come this time, won't you, Narli?"
Narli Gzann rubbed his forehead fretfully. "You know how I feel aboutparties, Karn." He took a frismil nut out of the tray on his desk andnibbled it in annoyance.
"But this is in your honor, Narli--a farewell party. You must go. Itwould be--it would be unthinkable if you didn't." Karn Slood's eyes werepleading. He could not possibly be held responsible for his friend'santi-social behavior and yet, Narli knew, he would somehow feel atfault.
Narli sighed. He supposed he would have to conform to public sentimentin this particular instance, but he was damned if he would give ingracefully. "After all, what's so special about the occasion? I'm justleaving to take another teaching job, that's all." He took another nut.
"That's _all_!" Slood's face swelled with emotion. "You can't really bethat indifferent."
"Another job, that's all it is to me," Narli persisted. "At anexceptionally high salary, of course, or I wouldn't dream of accepting aposition so inconveniently located."
Slood was baffled and hurt and outraged. "You have been honored by beingthe first of our people to be offered an exchange professorship onanother planet," he said stiffly, "and you call it 'just another job.'Why, I would have given my right antenna to get it!"
Narli realized that he had again overstepped the invisible boundarybetween candor and tactlessness. He poked at the nuts with a stylus.
"Honored by being the first of our species to be offered aguinea-pigship," he murmured.
He had not considered this aspect of the matter before, but now that itoccurred to him, he was probably right.
"Oh, I don't mind, really." He waved away the other's suddencommiseration. "You know I like being alone most of the time, so I won'tfind that uncomfortable. Students are students, whether they'reTerrestrials or Saturnians. I suppose they'll laugh at me behind myback, but then even here, my students always did that."
He gave a hollow laugh and unobtrusively put out one of his hands for anut. "At least on Earth I'll know why they're laughing."
There was pain on Slood's expressive face as he firmly removed the nuttray from his friend's reach. "I didn't think of it from that angle,Narli. Of course you're right. Human beings, from what I've read ofthem, are not noted for tolerance. It will be difficult, but I'm sureyou'll be able to--" he choked on the kindly lie--"win them over."
Narli repressed a bitter laugh. Anyone less likely than he to win over ahostile alien species through sheer personal charm could hardly be foundon Saturn. Narli Gzann had been chosen as first exchange professorbetween Saturn and Earth because of his academic reputation, not hispersonality. But although the choosers had probably not had that aspectof the matter in mind, the choice, he thought, was a wise one.
As an individual of solitary habits, he was not apt to be much lonelieron one planet than another.
And he had accepted the post largely because he felt that, as an alienbeing, he would be left strictly alone. This would give him the chanceto put in a lot of work on his definitive history of the Solar System, amonumental project from which he begrudged all the time he had to spendin fulfilling even the minimum obligations expected of a professor onsociable Saturn.
The salary was a weighty factor, too--not only was it more than twicewhat he had been getting, but since there would be no necessity forspending more than enough for bare subsistence he would be able to saveup a considerable amount and retire while still comparatively young. Itwas pleasant to imagine a scholarly life unafflicted by students.
He could put up with a good deal for that goal.
But how could he alleviate the distress he saw on Karn's face? He didnot consciously want to hurt the only person who, for some strangereason, seemed to be fond of him, so he said the only thing he couldthink of to please: "All right, Karn, I'll go to the Perzils tomorrownight."
It would be a deadly bore--parties always were--and he would eat toomuch, but, after all, the thought that it would be a long time beforehe'd ever see any of his own kind again would make the affair almostendurable. And just this once it would be all right for him to eat asmuch as he wanted. When he was on Earth out of reach of decent food, hewould probably trim down considerably.
* * * * *
"I just _know_ you're going to love Earth, Professor Gzann," the hostesson the interplanetary liner gushed.
"I'm sure I shall," he lied politely. She smiled at him too much,over-doing her professional cordiality; underneath the effusiveness, hesensed the repulsion. Of course he couldn't blame her for trying not toshow her distaste for the strange creature--the effort at concealmentwas, as a matter of fact, more than he had expected from a Terrestrial.But he wished she would leave him alone to meditate. He had planned toget a lot of meditation done on the journey.
"You speak awfully good English," she told him.
He looked at her. "I am said to have some scholarly aptitude. Iunderstand that's why I was chosen as an exchange professor. It doesseem reasonable, doesn't it?"
She turned pink--a sign of embarrassment with these creatures, he hadlearned. "I didn't mean to--to question your ability, Professor. It'sjust that--well, you don't look like a professor."
"Indeed?" he said frostily. "And what do I look like, then?"
She turned even rosier. "Oh--I--I don't know exactly. It's justthat--well...." And she fled.
He couldn't resist flicking his antennae forward to catch her _sottovoce_ conversation with the co-pilot; it was so seldom you got thechance to learn what others were saying about you behind your back. "ButI could hardly tell him he looks like a teddy bear, could I?"
"He probably doesn't even know what a teddy bear is."
"Perhaps I don't," Narli thought resentfully, "but I can guess."
With low cunning, the Terrestrials seemed to have ferreted out theidentity of all his favorite dishes and kept serving them to himincessantly. By the time the ship made planetfall on Earth, he hadgained ten grisbuts.
"Oh, well," he thought, "I suppose it's all just part of the regulardiplomatic service. On Earth, I'll have to eat crude native foods, soI'll lose all the weight again."
President Purrington of North America came himself to meet Narli at theairfield because Narli was the first interplanetary exchange professorin history.
"Welcome to our planet, Professor Gzann," he said with warm diplomaticcordiality, wringing Narli's upper right hand after a moment ofindecision. "We shall do everything in our power to make your stay herea happy and memorable one."
"I wish you would begin by doing something about the climate," Narlithought. It was stupid of him not to have realized how hot it would beon Earth. He was really going to suffer in this torrid climate;especially in the tight Terrestrial costume he wore over his fur for thesake of conformity. Of course, justice compelled him to admit tohimself, the clothes wouldn't have become so snug if he hadn't eatenquite so much on board ship.
Purrington indicated the female beside him. "May I introduce my wife?"
"Ohhh," the female gasped, "isn't he _cute_!"
The President and Narli stared at her in consternation. She lookedabashed for a moment, then smiled widely at Narli a
nd the pressphotographers.
"Welcome to Earth, dear Professor Gzann!" she exclaimed, mispronouncinghis name, of course. Bending down, she kissed him right upon his fuzzyforehead.
Kissing was not a Saturnian practice, nor did Narli approve of it;however, he had read enough about Earth to know that Europeans sometimesgreeted dignitaries in this peculiar way. Only this place, he had beengiven to understand, was not Europe but America.
"I am having a cocktail party in your honor this afternoon!" she beamed,smoothing her flowered print dress down over her