TRYLAND COURT HEADINGTON,
Wednesday, _November 9th._
Goodness gracious! I have been here four whole days, and I continually askmyself how I shall be able to stand it for the rest of the fortnight.Before I left Branches, I began to have a sinking at the heart. There werehorribly touching farewells with housekeepers and people I have knownsince a child, and one hates to have that choky feeling, especially asjust at the end of it, while tears were still in my eyes, Mr. Carrutherscame out into the hall and saw them; so did Lord Robert!
I blinked and blinked, but one would trickle down my nose. It was ahorribly awkward moment.
Mr. Carruthers made profuse inquiries as to my comforts for the drive, ina tone colder than ever, and insisted upon my drinking some cherry brandy.Such fussing is quite unlike his usual manner, so I suppose he, too, feltit was a tiresome _quart d'heure_. Lord Robert did not hide his concern;he came up to me and took my hand while Christopher was speaking to thefootman who was going with me.
"You are a dear," he said, "and a brick, and don't you forget I shall comeand stay with Lady Katherine before you leave, so you won't feel you areall among strangers."
I thanked him, and he squeezed my hand so kindly. I do like Lord Robert.
Very soon I was gay again and _insouciante_, and the last they saw of mewas smiling out of the brougham window as I drove off in the dusk. Theyboth stood upon the steps and waved to me.
Tea was over at Tryland when I arrived--such a long, damp drive! And Iexplained to Lady Katherine how sorry I was to have had to come so late,and that I could not think of troubling her to have up fresh for me; butshe insisted, and after a while a whole new lot came, made in a hurry withthe water not boiling, and I had to gulp down a nasty cup--Ceylon tea,too! I hate Ceylon tea! Mr. Montgomerie warmed himself before the fire,quite shielding it from us, who shivered on a row of high-backed chairsbeyond the radius of the hearth-rug.
He has a way of puffing out his cheeks and making a noise like "Burrrr,"which sounds very bluff and hearty until you find he has said a mean thingabout some one directly after. And while red hair looks very well on me, Ido think a man with it is the ugliest thing in creation. His face is red,and his nose and cheeks almost purple, and fiery whiskers, fierce enoughto frighten a cat in a dark lane.
He was a rich Scotch manufacturer, and poor Lady Katherine had to marryhim, I suppose; though, as she is Scotch herself, I dare say she does notnotice that he is rather coarse.
There are two sons and six daughters--one married, four grown-up, and oneat school in Brussels--and all with red hair! But straight and coarse, andwith freckles and white eyelashes. So, really, it is very kind of LadyKatherine to have asked me here.
They are all as good as gold on top, and one does poker-work, and anotherbinds books, and a third embroiders altar-cloths, and the fourth knitsties--all for charities, and they ask every one to subscribe to themdirectly they come to the house. The tie and the altar-cloth ones weresitting working hard in the drawing-room--Kirstie and Jean are theirnames; Jessie and Maggie, the poker-worker and the bookbinder, have asitting-room to themselves--their work-shop they call it. They were therestill, I suppose, for I did not see them until dinner. We used to meetonce a year at Mrs. Carruthers's Christmas parties ever since ages andages, and I remember I hated their tartan sashes, and they generally hadcolds in their heads, and one year they gave every one mumps, so theywere not asked the next. The altar-cloth one, Jean, is my age, the otherthree are older.
It was really very difficult to find something to say, and I can quiteunderstand common people fidgeting when they feel worried like this. Ihave never fidgeted since eight years ago, the last time Mrs. Carruthersboxed my ears for it. Just before going up to dress for dinner Mr.Montgomerie asked blank out if it was true that Mr. Carruthers hadarrived. Lady Katherine had been skirting round this subject for a quarterof an hour.
I only said yes, but that was not enough, and, once started, he asked astring of questions, with "Burrrr" several times in between. Was Mr.Carruthers going to shoot the pheasants in November? Had he decided tokeep on the chef? Had he given up diplomacy? I said I really did not knowany of these things, I had seen so little of him.
Lady Katherine nodded her head, while she measured a comforter she wasknitting, to see if it was long enough.
"I am sure it must have been most awkward for you, his arriving at all; itwas not very good taste on his part, I am afraid, but I suppose he wishedto see his inheritance as soon as possible," she said.
I nearly laughed, thinking what she would say if she knew which part ofhis inheritance he had really come to see. I do wonder if she has everheard that Mrs. Carruthers left me to him, more or less, in her will!
"I hope you had your old governess with you, at least," she continued, aswe went up the stairs, "so that you could feel less uncomfortable--reallya most shocking situation for a girl alone in the house with an unmarriedman!"
I told her Mr. Barton was there, too, but I had not the courage to sayanything about Lord Robert; only that Mr. Carruthers had a friend of hisdown who was a great judge of pictures, to see them.
"Oh, a valuer, I suppose. I hope he is not going to sell the Correggios,"she exclaimed.
"No, I don't think so," I said, leaving the part about the valuerunanswered.
Mr. Carruthers's being unmarried seemed to worry her most; she went onabout it again before we got to my bedroom door.
"I happened to hear a rumor at Miss Sheriton's" (the wool-shop inHeadington, our town) "this morning," she said, "and so I wrote at once toyou. I felt how terrible it would be for one of my own dear girls to beleft alone with a bachelor like that. I almost wonder you did not stay upin your own rooms."
I thanked her for her kind thought, and she left me at last.
If she only knew! The unmarried ones who came down the passage to talk tomademoiselle were not half so saucy as the old fellows with wivessomewhere. Lord Bentworth was married, and he wanted me to kiss him,whereas Colonel Grimston had no wife, and he never said Bo! to a goose.And I do wonder what she thought Mr. Carruthers was going to do to me,that it would have been wise for me to stay up in my rooms. Perhaps shethinks diplomats, having lived in foreign places, are sort of wild beasts.
My room is frightful after my pretty rosy chintzes at Branches. Nastyyellowish wood furniture, and nothing much matching; however, there areplenty of wardrobes, so Veronique is content.
They were all in the drawing-room when I got down, and Malcolm, the eldestson, who is in a Highland militia regiment, had arrived by a seven-o'clocktrain.
I had that dreadful feeling of being very late and Mr. Montgomerie wantingto swear at me, though it was only a minute past a quarter to eight.
He said "Burrrr" several times, and flew off to the dining-room with metucked under his arm, murmuring it gave no cook a chance to keep thedinner waiting. So I expected something wonderful in the way of food, butit is not half so good as our chef sent up at Branches. And the footmenare not all the same height, and their liveries don't fit like Mrs.Carruthers always insisted that ours should do.
Malcolm _is_ a titsy pootsy man. Not as tall as I am, and thin as a rail,with a look of his knees being too near together. He must be awful in akilt, and I am sure he shivers when the wind blows--he has that air. Idon't like kilts--unless men are big, strong, bronzed creatures that don'tseem ashamed of their bare bits. I saw some splendid specimens marching,once, in Edinburgh, and they swung their skirts just like the beautifulladies in the Bois, when mademoiselle and I went out of the Allee Mrs.Carruthers told us to try always to walk in.
Lady Catherine talked a great deal at dinner about politics and herdifferent charities, and the four girls were so respectful and interested,but Mr. Montgomerie contradicted her whenever he could. I was glad when wewent into the drawing-room.
That first evening was the worst of all, because we were all so strange;one seems to get
acclimatized to whatever it is after a while.
Lady Katherine asked me if I had not some fancy-work to do. Kirstie hadbegun her ties, and Jean the altar-cloth, again.
"Do let Maggie run to your room and fetch it for you," she said.
I was obliged to tell her I never did any. "But I--I can trim hats," Isaid; it really seemed awful not to be able to do anything like them, Ifelt I must say this as a kind of defence for myself.
However, she seemed to think that hardly a lady's employment.
"How clever of you!" Kirstie exclaimed. "I wish I could, but don't youfind that intermittent? You can't trim them all the time. Don't you feelthe want of a constant employment?"
I was obliged to say I had not felt like that yet, but I could not tellthem I particularly loved sitting perfectly still, doing nothing.
Jessie and Maggie played Patience at two tables which folded up, and whichthey brought out and sat down to with a deliberate accustomed look whichmade me know at once they did this every night, and that I should seethose tables planted exactly on those two spots of carpet every eveningduring my whole stay. I suppose it is because they cannot bring thepoker-work and the bookbinding into the drawing-room.
"Won't you play us something?" Lady Katherine asked, plaintively.Evidently it was not permitted to do nothing, so I got up and went to thepiano.
Fortunately I know heaps of things by heart, and I love them, and wouldhave gone on and on, so as to fill up the time, but they all said "Thankyou" in a chorus after each bit, and it rather put me off.
Mr. Montgomerie and Malcolm did not come in for ages, and I could see LadyKatherine getting uneasy. One or two things at dinner suggested to me thatthese two were not on the best terms, perhaps she feared they had come toblows in the dining-room. The Scotch, Mrs. Carruthers said, have all kindsof rough customs that other nations do not keep up any longer.
They did turn up at last, and Mr. Montgomerie was purple all over hisface, and Malcolm a pale green, but there were no bruises on him; only onecould see they had had a terrible quarrel.
There is something in breeding, after all, even if one is of a barbarouscountry. Lady Katherine behaved so well, and talked charities and politicsfaster than ever, and did not give them time for any further outburst,though I fancy I heard a few "damns" mixed with the "burrrrs," and notwithout the "n" on just for ornament, like Lord Robert's.
It was a frightful evening.
Wednesday, _November 9th._ (Continued.)
Malcolm walked beside me going to church the next day. He looked a littleless depressed, and I tried to cheer him up.
He did not tell me what his worries were, but Jean had said somethingabout it when she came into my room as I was getting ready. It appears hehas got into trouble over a horse called Angela Grey--Jean gathered thisfrom Lady Katherine; she said her father was very angry about it, as hehad spent so much money on it.
To me it does not sound like a horse's name, and I told Jean so, but shewas perfectly horrified, and said it must be a horse, because they werenot acquainted with any Angela Grey, and did not even know any Greys atall. So it must be a horse!
I think that a ridiculous reason, as Mrs. Carruthers said all young menknew people one wouldn't want to; and it was silly to make a fuss aboutit, and that they couldn't help it, and they would be very dull if theywere as good as gold, like girls.
But I expect Lady Katherine thinks differently about things to Mrs.Carruthers, and the daughters the same.
I shall ask Lord Robert when I see him again if it is a horse or not.
Malcolm is not attractive, and I was glad the church was not far off.
No carriages are allowed out on Sunday, so we had to walk; and coming backit began to rain, and we could not go round the stables, which Iunderstand is the custom here every Sunday.
Everything is done because it is the custom, not because you want to amuseyourself.
"When it rains and we can't go round the stables," Kirstie said, "we lookat the old _Illustrated London News_, and go on our way from afternoonchurch."
I did not particularly want to do that, so stayed in my room as long as Icould. The four girls were seated at a large table in the hall, each witha volume in front of her when I got down at last. They must know everypicture by heart, if they do it every Sunday it rains--they stay inEngland all the winter.
Jean made room for me beside her.
"I am at the 'Sixties,'" she said. "I finished the 'Fifties' last Easter."So they evidently do even this with a method.
I asked her if there were not any new books they wanted to read, but shesaid Lady Katherine did not care for their looking at magazines or novelsunless she had been through them first, and she had not time for many, sothey kept the few they had to read between tea and dinner on Sunday.
By this time I felt I should do something wicked; and if the luncheon gonghad not sounded, I do not know what would have happened.
Mr. Montgomerie said rather gallant things to me when the cheese and portcame along, while the girls looked shocked, and Lady Katherine had a stonystare. I suppose he is like this because he is married. I wonder, though,if young married men are the same. I have never met any yet.
By Monday night I was beginning to feel the end of the world would comesoon. It is ten times worse than ever having had to conceal all myfeelings and abjectly obey Mrs. Carruthers. Because she did say cynical,entertaining things sometimes to me, and to her friends, that made onelaugh. And one felt it was only she who made the people who were dependentupon her do her way, because she herself was so selfish, and that the restof the world were free if once one got outside.
But Lady Katherine and the whole Montgomerie _milieu_ give you theimpression that everything and everybody must be ruled by rules; and noone could have a right to an individual opinion in any sphere of society.
You simply can't laugh--they asphyxiate you. I am looking forward to thisafternoon and Mr. Carruthers coming over. I often think of the days atBranches, and how exciting it was, with those two, and I wish I were backagain.
I have tried to be polite and nice to them all here, and yet they don'tseem absolutely pleased.
Malcolm gazes at me with sheep's eyes. They are a washy blue, with thefamily white eyelashes (how different to Lord Robert's!). He has the mostprecise, regulated manner, and never says a word of slang; he ought tohave been a young curate, and I can't imagine his spending money on anyAngela Greys, even if she is a horse or not.
He speaks to me when he can, and asks me to go for walks round the golfcourse. The four girls play for an hour and three-quarters every morning.They never seem to enjoy anything--the whole of life is a solid duty. I amsitting up in my room, and Veronique has had the sense to have my firelighted early. I suppose Mr. Carruthers won't come until about four--anhour more to be got through. I have said I must write letters, and sohave escaped from them and not had to go for the usual drive.
I suppose he will have the sense to ask for me, even if Lady Katherine isnot back when he comes.
This morning it was so fine and frosty a kind of devil seemed to creepinto me. I have been _so_ good since Saturday, so when Malcolm said, inhis usual prim, priggish voice, "Miss Travers, may I have the pleasure oftaking you for a little exercise," I jumped up without consulting LadyKatherine, and went and put my things on, and we started.
I had a feeling that they were all thinking I was doing something wrong,and so, of course, it made me worse. I said every kind of simple thing Icould to Malcolm to make him jump, and looked at him now and then fromunder my eyelashes. So when we got to a stile, he did want to help me, andhis eyes were quite wobblish. He has a giggle right up in the treble, andit comes out at such unexpected moments, when there is nothing to laughat. I suppose it is being Scotch--he has just caught the meaning of someformer joke. There would never be any use in saying things to him like toLord Robert and Mr. Carruthers, because one would have left the p
lacebefore he understood, if even then.
There was an old Sir Thomas Farquharson who came to Branches, and hegrasped the deepest jokes of Mrs. Carruthers--so deep that even I did notunderstand them--and he was Scotch. It may be they are like that only whenthey have red hair.
When I was seated on top of a stile, Malcolm suddenly announced:
"I hear you are going to London when you go. I hope you will let me comeand see you; but I wish you lived here always."
"I don't," I said, and then I remembered that sounded rather rude, andthey had been kind to me. "At least, you know, I think the country isdull; don't you--for always?"
"Yes," he replied, primly, "for men, but it is where I should always wishto see the woman I respected."
"Are towns so wicked?" I asked, in my little-angel voice. "Tell me oftheir pitfalls, so that I may avoid them."
"You must not believe everything people say to you, to begin with," hesaid, seriously. "For one so young as you, I am afraid you will find yourpath beset with temptations."
"Oh, do tell me what!" I implored. "I have always wanted to know whattemptations were. Please tell me. If you come to see me--would you be atemptation, or is temptation a thing and not a person?" I looked at himso beseechingly he never for a second saw the twinkle in my eye.
He coughed pompously. "I expect I should be," he said modestly."Temptations are--er--er--Oh, I say, you know, I say--I don't know what tosay."
"Oh, what a pity!" I said, regretfully. "I was hoping to hear all about itfrom you, especially if you are one yourself; you must know."
He looked gratified, but still confused.
"You see, when you are quite alone in London, some man may make love toyou."
"Oh, do you think so, _really_?" I asked, aghast. "That, I suppose, wouldbe frightful, if I were by myself in the room. Would it do, do you think,if I left the sitting-room door open and kept Veronique on the otherside?"
He looked at me hard, but he only saw the face of an unprotected angel,and, becoming reassured, he said, gravely:
"Yes, it might be just as well."
"You do surprise me about love," I said. "I had no idea it was a violentkind of thing like that. I thought it began with grave reverence andrespect, and after years of offering flowers and humble compliments, andbread-and-butter at tea-parties, the gentleman went down upon one knee andmade a declaration--'Clara Maria, I adore you; be mine'--and then one putout a lily-white hand and, blushing, told him to rise; but that can't beyour sort, and you have not yet explained what temptation means."
"It means more or less wanting to do what you ought not to."
"Oh, then," I said, "I am having temptation all the time; aren't you? Forinstance, I want to tear up Jean's altar-cloth, and rip Kirstie's ties,and tool bad words on Jessie's bindings, and burn Maggie's wood-boxes."
He looked horribly shocked and hurt, so I added at once:
"Of course, it must be lovely to be able to do these things; they areperfect girls, and so clever, only it makes me feel like that because Isuppose I am--different."
He looked at me critically. "Yes, you are different; I wish you would tryand be more like my sisters, then I should not feel so nervous about yourgoing to London."
"It is too good of you to worry," I said, demurely. "But I don't think youneed, you know. I have rather a strong suspicion I am acquainted with theway to take care of myself," and I bent down and laughed right in hisface, and jumped off the stile onto the other side.
He did look such a teeny shrimp climbing after me! But it does not matterwhat is their size, the vanity of men is just the same. I am sure hethought he had only to begin making love to me himself and I would droplike a ripe peach into his mouth.
I teased him all the way back, until when we got in to lunch he did notknow whether he was on his head or his heels. Just as we came up to thedoor he said:
"I thought your name was Evangeline; why did you say it was Clara Maria?"
"Because it is not!" I laughed over my shoulder, and ran into the house.
He stood on the steps, and if he had been one of the stable-boys he wouldhave scratched his head.
Now I must stop and dress. I shall put on a black tea-frock I have. Mr.Carruthers shall see I have not caught frumpdom from my hosts.
_Night._
I do think men are the most horrid creatures--you can't believe what theysay or rely upon them for five minutes! Mrs. Carruthers was right; shesaid, "Evangeline, remember, it is quite difficult enough to trust one'sself without trusting a man."
Such an afternoon I have had! That annoying feeling of waiting forsomething all the time and nothing happening. For Mr. Carruthers did notturn up, after all. How I wish I had not dressed and expected him!
He is probably saying to himself he is well out of the business, now Ihave gone. I don't suppose he meant a word of his protestations to me.Well, he need not worry. I had no intention of jumping down his throat;only I would have been glad to see him, because he is human, and not likeany one here.
Of course, Lord Robert will be the same, and I shall probably never seeeither of them again. How can Lord Robert get here when he does not knowLady Katherine? No; it was just said to say something nice when I wasleaving, and he will be as horrid as Mr. Carruthers.
I am thankful, at least, that I did not tell Lady Katherine; I should havefelt such a goose. Oh! I do wonder what I shall do next. I don't know atall how much things cost; perhaps three hundred a year is very poor. I amsure my best frocks always were five or six hundred francs each, and Idare say hotels run away with money. But for the moment I am rich, as Mr.Barton kindly advanced some of my legacy to me; and, oh, I am going to seelife! and it is absurd to be sad! I shall go to bed, and forget how crossI feel.
They are going to have a shoot here next week--pheasants. I wonder if theywill have a lot of old men. I have not heard all who are coming.
Lady Katherine said to me after dinner this evening that she was sorry, asshe was afraid it would be most awkward for me their having a party, onaccount of my deep mourning, and I, if I felt it dreadfully, I need notconsider they would find me the least rude if I preferred to have dinnerin my room.
I don't want to have dinner in my room. Think of the stuffiness of it! Andperhaps hearing laughter going on down-stairs.
I can always amuse myself watching faces, however dull they are. I thankedher, and said it would not be at all necessary, as I must get accustomedto seeing people. I could not count upon always meeting hostesses withsuch kind thoughts as hers, and I might as well get used to it.
She said "Yes," but not cordially.
To-morrow Mrs. Mackintosh, the eldest daughter, is arriving with her fourchildren. I remember her wedding five years ago. I have never seen hersince.
She was very tall and thin, and stooped dreadfully, and Mrs. Carrutherssaid Providence had been very kind in giving her a husband at all. Butwhen Mr. Mackintosh tittuped down the aisle with her, I did not think so.
A wee, sandy fellow about up to her shoulder!
Oh, I would hate to be tied to that! I think to be tied to anything couldnot be very nice. I wonder how I ever thought of marrying Mr. Carruthersoffhand!
I feel now I shall never marry, for years. Of course one can't be an oldmaid, but for a long time I mean to see life first.