She did sound very calm, very concerned. There was no anger in her face, and Mama had said the same thing about all this happening to me too quickly.
"He made me hold his hand," I admitted.
She nodded. "Yes, yes, go on. What else?"
"He put his hand on my shoulder."
"I see. Go ahead."
I shrugged. "That's all. He didn't want me to get lost."
She sat back, smirking. "He never put his hand between your legs? Don't lie," she followed quickly,
I shook my head.
"If you lie to me and I find out later that you didn't tell me everything. I'll tell your grandmother she has to send you away, too. You'll never see your mother again. How would you like that?"
I started to cry.
"Think carefully before you answer me, Jordan. Be sure you tell me the truth or else," she said, and then leaned toward me. "Did he touch your chest? Did he make you take off your clothes? Did he touch you when you were undressed? Did he show you his thing?"
She fired her questions at me so quickly. I could barely understand and envision one before another came flowing over it. There I was again, trying to be a good liar and knowing I couldn't do it well. Would I get sent away? I had made a pact with Ian, taken an oath. I couldn't tell her anything, but I didn't have to. She was nodding.
"He did, didn't he? He did all those things, didn't he?"
I started to shake my head, but she smiled and then she reached into her pocketbook and took out what I knew to be Ian's small notebook.
"It's all here," she said, "All of the disgusting things he did to you and thought about you. I didn't want him to know I had it yet, that I had found it in his desk, until I had spoken to you and confirmed it all to reassure your grandmother this," she said, shaking the notebook, "wasn't just imaginary.
"I knew it wasn't," she said, slapping the notepad down on her leg. "If I ever saw one boy like that. I've seen a dozen. I knew it the first time I set eyes on him."
Again. I tried shaking my head, but she wouldn't even look at me now. She was looking up at the ceiling and rubbing the outside of the notebook as if she were washing it.
"That's good," she said. "That's good that you were honest. Your grandmother will be happy to know we've bonded and you trust me. That's good."
She stood up so quickly. I flinched and sat back.
"Don't come out of this room, understand. If he comes to the door," she added, more in a loud whisper, "then you can come out screaming for me. Yes, then you can come out. Otherwise, don't."
She put the chair back and went to the door. "It's going to be all right, Jordan. Soon, it will all be fine and you and I will have a wonderful summer together, okay? Just rest now, sweetheart. Go on, lie down for a while. You've been dragged through a horrible experience. You should rest and then we'll see about your dinner. You'll even get a nice dessert because you've been good."
She smiled at me and then walked out, closing the door. I sat there staring at it until I realized tears were streaming down my face and dripping off my chin. Poor Ian, I thought, confined to his room with nothing in it, none of his precious and important things.
But more terrible than anything for him would be learning she had taken his notebook, his secret thoughts, his Sister Project. And then she would go and tell him I said it was all true and he would think I had broken my oath. I couldn't let her do that, but what could I do to stop her?
I cried harder and then I threw I myself on my bed and buried my face in the pillow. All of it weighed so heavily on me, it felt like a dozen comforters had been cast over my body. I caught my breath and turned slightly, listening. The house was deadly quiet. What was Ian doing? What would I do?
My mind was in a turmoil, each thought sitting on a horse on a merry-go-round, spinning and spinning and spinning until I felt myself sink deeper and deeper into the two palms of warm exhaustion that eventually closed around me and locked me into sleep.
It was dark outside when I woke up. The lamp on the side table was lit and I heard some low murmuring voices. I turned and saw Grandmother Emma and Miss Harper speaking softly just inside the doorway of the bedroom. Slowly. I sat up and ground the sleep out of my eyes. Miss Harper saw and touched Grandmother Emma's arm. They both looked at me and then Grandmother Emma walked slowly to the bed.
"Are you hungry now?" she asked me. I wasn't, so I shook my head.
"You should eat something. Under the circumstances, now that I've learned the totality of all this, we have agreed to permit you to leave your room and resume your normal activities in the house. I want you to wash your face and then come down to the dining room, where Nancy will serve you some roast chicken, sweet potato, and vegetables. I have a nice piece of chocolate cream pie for you as well. Go on," she said, nodding at the bathroom.
"Is Ian coming to dinner, too?"
"No," she said sharply. "Don't concern yourself about Ian for now. Go on," she repeated with more firmness.
I slipped off the bed and went to the bathroom. When I came out, only Miss Harper was there waiting.
"Your grandmother will join us downstairs,'" she said. "'Come along,"
She smiled and held out her hand for me. I didn't want to take it, but she stood there, waiting, and I could see she wouldn't move from the door until I had taken her hand. As soon as I did, she tightened her fingers around my palm and we walked out of the room. I looked down the hallway toward Ian's room. The hallway was dark and there was no sign of him. She turned me abruptly at the top of the stairway and we went down to the dining room.
I saw there was no place setting where Ian sat. Nancy began bringing in platters and then
Grandmother Emma came in from her office and sat at the head of the table. She glanced at me and then turned to Miss Harper.
"You were right. He was very helpful and he's getting right on it for us."
"Yes, he's been a tremendous help to me whenever I had to make a similar recommendation to a parent."
"It's amazing how widespread the problem is in this country, so widespread there's a career for a man like that, an agent to place these children in the proper facilities. It's good, of course, but still, very sad as well."
"It is, but when you've gone through all the tried and true techniques and the parents themselves are so overwhelmed, there is often little choice. Of course, most people can't afford this sort of solution and that's why the streets are rampant with juvenile criminals."
"Yes, well, no March will be roaming the streets or committing such acts while I'm alive. Thank you. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't diagnosed the situation so quickly and gotten to the heart of the matter like a surgeon targeting a cancer."
"You're quite welcome, but I do feel sorry for the young man. Such brilliance misdirected."
"It doesn't surprise me when you consider the way he was raised. As ye sow, so shall ye reap. I am sorry to say my son bears a great deal of the blame. He closed his eyes to too many things while he pursued his own selfish satisfactions. Men," she added, and my eyes widened.
"Men," Miss Harper agreed, smiling. They both turned to me.
"You'll be all right now, Jordan," Grandmother Emma said. "You'll have Miss Harper all to yourself for the rest of the summer. I hope you'll come to appreciate what this means for you."
I gazed at Ian's empty place. "Isn't Ian ever going to be permitted to come out of his room?" I asked.
"Oh, he'll come out," Grandmother Emma said. "Soon enough, he'll come out. Now, let's eat before it all gets too cold.'
"Is Daddy all right?" I asked.
"Your father will never be all right,"
Grandmother Emma said, "but he will be the best he can be. I'll see to that," she said. "Now eat."
I had even less of an appetite than I had before, but under her and Miss Harper's critical gazing. I did the best I could. The food churned away in my stomach almost as soon as I swallowed any of it. At different moments during the dinner. I thought I wou
ld just start to heave, but I kept swallowing and drinking and finally finished enough for Grandmother Emma to permit Nancy to take my plate.
She brought out the dessert. It looked good, but I didn't want it either.
"What's Ian getting to eat?" I asked.
"Ian's already had his dinner. Nancy brought him tuna fish and a salad."
"But he hates tuna fish," I said. I was sure she knew that.
"When you have nothing else to eat, you suddenly learn to love it," she replied.
"He won't eat it."
"That's enough about Ian. Finish your dessert and go up to take your bath and get ready for bed. You've had a terrible day and the faster you get it behind you, the better off you'll be," Grandmother Emma said.
"It wasn't terrible. I saw Mama," I told her.
She pressed her lower lip over her upper and tapped her fingers on the tabletop.
"She'll be fine," Miss Harper said. "Just give it some time."
"Yes. You're probably right, dear. Thank you," Grandmother Emma said, and dabbed her lips with her napkin. "I have things to do in my office."
"I'll see to her," Miss Harper said.
"Thank you." Grandmother Emma rose. "Do exactly as you're told, Jordan," she said firmly. Then she walked out of the dining room.
As soon as she did, Miss Harper stood up, reached over to take the remaining piece of pie away from me, and then nodded. "Time to go up and do as you were told," she said. "Go on."
I rose, pushed in my chair, and hurried to the stairway. Maybe Ian would be outside in the hallway. I thought, but when I got upstairs, he was not and it was still dark and quiet on his side. I heard Miss Harper coming up behind me so I went to my room and started to run the bath.
She came in behind me and stood in the doorway of the bathroom watching. I started to pour in some of Mama's bubble bath and she stepped forward and seized it out of my hand.
"You don't need that to wash."
"But I like it in my bath."
"You don't play in a bathtub anymore, Jordan. You're too old now."
"Mama uses it and she's older than I am,"
"Don't contradict me. Get undressed and into the water. You are to wash your hair, too. Who knows what filth your brother dragged you through today?"
"We didn't go through any filth. We just went in taxicabs and on a bus to the hospital."
She stared at me a moment and then nodded. "Your grandmother is absolutely right about you and your brother. You were simply brought up in too permissive an environment. It never fails. That's the world of children when they have selfish parents."
"My parents aren't selfish."
"No, they're the paragon of altruism," she said.
I grimaced. What was that? I'd have to ask Ian later, I thought.
"Get in the water. It's high enough," she ordered, and I went ahead and did so.
She looked at me more closely than ever and shook her head. "Nature can do some very freaky things,' she muttered.
"I'm not a freak!" I screamed.
"Stop that shouting,"
"I'm not," I started to cry.
"Just get washed up, do your hair, and get yourself dried and dressed in your pajamas,:' she said. "I'm actually exhausted from you two myself and need to get to sleep."
She left me and I did my bath quicker than ever because it wasn't at all enjoyable without Mama's bath oils. After I dried myself and blew dry my hair. I dressed in my pajamas and got into bed. The bedroom door was open and remained that way. She appeared minutes after I had gotten into bed.
"Good," she said. "Finally, this day is coming to an end."
She turned off my night-light. I wanted to tell her I always wanted it on, but I didn't say anything. I thought I would turn it on after she closed my door, but she didn't close the door. She left it open.
I heard her walk down the hallway to her room and then I tried to stay awake as long as I could, hoping that Ian would sneak out of his room and come to me so I could tell him all the terrible things she had said and Grandmother Emma had said.
I wasn't sure if it was a dream or if he really did come to me, but suddenly, late at night, when even the house felt as if it had fallen asleep, he was at my bedside. He nudged me and I opened my eyes and looked at him.
"Ian," I said, sitting up quickly. "I didn't break our oath," I said before he could say anything. "She said she would say I did, but I didn't."
"I know, Don't worry about her."
"Aren't you afraid she'll know you left your room?"
"No," he said. "I just came here to tell you that everything will be all right"
"Mama will come home?"
"Someday. yes.'
"And Daddy, will he walk again?"
"Maybe not, but he'll be all right," he said. "And you and I?"
"We'll always be together. No matter what. Remember," he said, smiling. "You're my Sister Project."
And then he did something he had never done.
He leaned over like Mama would and he kissed me on my cheek.
He told me to lie down again and he fixed my blanket. When I woke up in the morning I knew it wasn't a dream because my night-light was on.
And Ian would remember that I needed it to be.
24 Miss Harper Doesn't Answer
. Of course, I knew I had better complete my morning chores or Miss Harper wouldn't permit me to take my medicine. I was very sleepy, but I rose and made my bed as best I could and then, after I washed and dressed. I cleaned up the bathroom. As I worked I continually anticipated her arriving to pass judgment on my efforts and maybe make me do over the bed, but she didn't come to my room at all.
Instead. Grandmother Emma stepped into the room. She looked at the bed and at me. All dressed and anxious. I was sitting on the small settee.
"Very good, Jordan," she said. "Did Miss Harper see this?"
"No, Grandmother."
"She wasn't here yet this morning?' she asked
with surprise. "No," I said. "And I have to have my medicine."
"Yes. Where is it?"
"It's in her room. She said she would keep it there and I would have to go there to get it."
"Fine. That way she can be sure you always do it right. Go to her room then, but knock first," she warned as I started out.
She followed me to the stairway, nodded in the direction of my parents' and Ian's bedrooms, and then went down for breakfast. I walked slowly past Ian's door, which was shut. I wanted to knock on it first to see how he was, but I was afraid Miss Harper would leap out at me the moment I approached his door and pile some other punishment on top of the ones she had already placed on our heads, so I continued past and then knocked on hers.
I waited.
She didn't come to the door so I knocked again, a little harder and a little longer. Again. I waited, and again, there was just silence, so I called for her.
"Miss Harper. It's Jordan. I need my medicine now. Miss Harper?'"
I waited and listened and still there was silence. Maybe she had already gone down to breakfast. I thought, but I knocked one more time. When there was still no response. I turned and hurried back to the stairway. My grandmother was in the kitchen giving Nancy orders and Miss Harper was nowhere in sight.
"Miss Harper isn't answering when I knock." I said.
Grandmother Emma turned and Nancy stopped working and looked my way, too.
"Did you knock hard enough?" Grandmother asked.
"Yes. And I even called to her, but she didn't come. I need to have my medicine. Mama said I have to have it first thing every day."
Grandmother Emma looked at Nancy. "Have you seen Millicent this morning?" she asked Nancy.
"No. ma'am," she replied.
Grandmother Emma thought a moment, and while she thought, neither I nor Nancy moved.
"Maybe she was in the bathroom. Go back up and knock again and wait. If she doesn't answer come back," she told me, and returned to what she was telling Nancy.
I hurried
upstairs. I was disappointed that Ian's door was still shut. I was hoping all the noise I was making would get him to wonder and come out, but he didn't and I stood there alone again and knocked as hard as I could.
There was still silence.
I called for her and then. after I heard nothing. I turned and nearly tripped running down the stairs. Grandmother Emma had gone into the dining room and was sipping a glass of orange juice. She looked up with confusion at my heavy breathing.
"What is it now, Jordan?"
"Miss Harper won't open the door." I said. "She won't answer me."
"Ridiculous," Grandmother Emma said, and rose. "I hope you didn't tap so softly no one could have heard."
I held out my hand. My knuckles were red.
"I hit the door very hard, so hard I hurt myself," I said, "I need my medicine."
"I know you need your medicine. You don't have to continually remind me," she said, and scowled.
I didn't care how angry she got. I wasn't afraid of showing my anger now, too. Mama had made nothing clearer to me than the importance of my having my medicine every morning. Grandmother Emma should be just as concerned as I was, I thought, and I didn't for a moment regret having her walk back to the stairway and go up to Miss Harper's room. She glanced at Ian's closed door, too, and smirked as she walked past it to Miss Harper's door. I followed closely and waited when she knocked.
"Millicent, it's Emma. Are you all right?" she asked, directing herself to the closed door.
There was no answer. "Millicent?"
I stood there with my arms folded over my chest, satisfied she could see I was right. I could see how annoyed Grandmother Emma was getting. She looked at me and then she opened the door. I started after her, but she turned on me in the doorway.
"Just a moment,' she said. "You wait out here." I stepped back.
She entered, closing the door almost
completely. A few moments later. I heard her cry out, "Oh, my God. Millicent! Millicent !"
I pushed the door fully open and peered in. Grandmother Emma was standing beside the bed, her right hand pressed flat over her mouth as if she was trying to keep in the orange juice she had just drunk, and her left hand on her head. I walked in and looked at Miss Harper, who was lying crouched over to her right as if she was going to vomit. Her eyes were wide open as was her mouth, and she looked like she had been screaming. In fact, she still looked like she was screaming, but it was a scream that no one else could hear.