She stood before a gnarled old woman. "Hello," she said. "I'm Princess Melody, looking for a good time."
"Well, you won't find it here," the woman replied. "I'm Jean Gnome, and I know that everything is predetermined by what you start with."
Melody was not in a mood to brook much balking. "Nothing is predetermined! I'm a princess, and I will do as I please."
The gnome woman gazed at her with disconcerting intensity. "You will do exactly as your set interior pattern dictates. You cannot change what you are."
"And what do you think I am?" Melody demanded.
"A young woman destined to love a soulless young man."
"Love!" Melody exclaimed. "I don't love the Dastard! I don't love anyone. Love is for fools."
"Well, you are bound to in due course. It is written in your pattern."
Fed up with this, Melody slid back into limbo. She cruised through it, gaining proficiency, until she spied a nondescript man. He was sitting on a pillar of salt, and carving a crystal from a chunk of salt. Maybe he would do for some incidental fun. She slid out before him, adjusting her clothing to show some extra flesh.
"Hello. I am Melody. Who are you?"
"My name is Peter," he said dully. "Salt Peter."
"You look as if you haven't summoned many storks lately, Salt."
"That is true."
She lifted her skirt part way. "Would you like to?"
"No."
This caught her with half a surprise. She did not recall meeting a man who did not want to summon storks immediately, if not sooner, though most managed to control their urges somewhat. "Maybe you just haven't encountered the right willing woman." She hoisted her hem another notch.
"I'm just not interested."
He was beginning to irritate her. So she tried the crash course. "Well, take a look at this." She hauled her skirt the rest of the way up and flashed him with her panties.
He looked, and shrugged. He didn't freak out. What was the matter with him? Princessly panties could freak out a dozen men at a time.
So she plumped her bottom down on his lap. "Are you sure?"
Then a weird thing happened. She lost her own interest. She no longer cared at all about storks.
"It's my talent," the man said. "I can't turn it off."
"Your talent is disinterest in storks?"
"Exactly."
Disgusted, she slid back into limbo. She moved on until she saw an old woman gathering herbs. She slid out before her. "What are you doing?"
"I'm gathering warts, of course," the woman said.
This did not seem very promising as entertainment. "What kind of warts?"
"Worry warts."
"What kind of wart is that?"
"I'll show you." The woman threw a handful of them at her.
Melody tried to duck, but several of the warts struck her. They stuck to her body and wouldn't rub off.
Suddenly she was worried. Were her sisters about to catch up with her? What about that frustrating Dastard? Was he going to try to get his talent back? Would she ever find anything really interesting to do, now that she was free to do it? Worries beset her.
Suddenly she realized why. "The worry warts!" she cried. "They make me worry!"
The old woman cackled gleefully. "You had to ask, dearie."
"Get them off me! I don't want to worry."
"They don't come off, dearie. You have to wear them off."
"Wear them off! How do I do that?"
"By resolving whatever they make you worry about, dearie. There is no other way."
"Yes there is," Melody said. Then she unhappened most of her encounter with the woman, but sliding back to just before she threw the warts. "What kind of wart is that?" she asked again.
"I'll show you." But this time Melody intercepted the woman's arm and caused her to drop the warts on herself. "Oh, see what you've done, you awful girl!" the woman screamed. "I'm hopelessly worried!"
"Too bad," Melody said unsympathetically, and slid back into limbo. She would remember to stay clear of worry warts.
Then she realized that this was the first time she had actually used her talent to unhappen something. It had just come naturally. It was handy. But she remained bored. So far, being without a soul wasn't as much fun as she had thought it was at first. She needed entertainment; her life had little meaning without it.
She saw a child walking along a path. Maybe she could seduce a child. That would be a gross violation of the Adult Conspiracy, therefore surely fascinating. She slid out of limbo and landed in front of the boy. "Hello," she said.
"Go away."
"But I want to show you something."
"I'll show you something." He gestured--and a bug was buzzing in her face. She yelped and stepped back, and it buzzed on past.
"What was that?" she demanded.
"A bee, of course," he said.
"Oh. Well, I was about to--"
"Look at your foot."
She looked--and screamed. There was a spider on it. She kicked violently, but it clung. Finally she grabbed a big leaf and scraped it off. "Where did that come from?"
"That's my talent--conjuring small insects," the boy said proudly. "I love to make women scream."
Disgusted again, she slid back into limbo. When would she ever find something fun to do?
She saw a mountain. It was tall and round, with a curl of smoke at its top. She recognized it: Mount Pinatuba, the irritable volcano. Now that might have potential.
She circled around it, orienting. Limbo was a way to travel in both space and time, as they had discovered when pursuing the Dastard, to stop his dastardly deeds. How naïve they had been; dastardly deeds were the most fun. She wanted to do some herself. But what could she come up with? She knew that Pinatuba had a short temper, and when it blew its top it could put out so much dust it would cool all Xanth by one degree. But it hadn't blown its top in years.
Well, suppose she went back as far as she could, and aggravated it? Made it blow--several years ago? That would unhappen the peaceful existence of the region, and be worthy of comment. It would make her life meaningful, for a while.
She slid back, back, as far as she could, almost to the time when she and her sisters had been delivered by the stork. She couldn't go any farther, both because she had to stay within her lifetime, and because the Dastard's talent was limited to when he had obtained it from the demon. But that was good enough; it could cool Xanth for four years, and maybe even bury some villages in ash or lava. Maybe then she could even move forward a couple of years and do it again.
She emerged beside the mountain. Time to get started. "Hey, Pinhead Tub!" she called. "You think you're something? I've seen better cones on eye scream!"
There was a low rumble, and a heavier puff of smoke from the cone. The mountain heard her, and it wasn't pleased.
But this was just the beginning. "Is that the best you can do, Pinny Tubby? I thought you knew how to smoke."
This time the rumble was stronger, and the smoke shot up toward the sky. Oh, yes, the mountain was heating up.
"I heard you could cool all Xanth, when you tried," she called. "I don't believe it. Maybe a local region."
The plume of smoke shot higher, and the sides of the mountain shook with indignation.
"Maybe just the land right in sight of you," she continued.
A boulder shot up and collided with a cloud, fragmenting it into frightened wafts of mist.
"A little patch right next to your base," she said.
This time a shower of rocks shot up, and lava began to overflow the brim. Pinatuba was really ready to blow.
Harmony appeared. "Stop that!" she cried.
"Make me!"
Rhythm appeared beside her. "We will."
Unfortunately, they could. So as they advanced on her, Melody slid back into limbo. Her sisters would not dare to follow immediately, because the mountain was ready to blow in a moment, and they would have to pacify it. She wondered how they would do that. Well, it was t
heir problem.
She slid forward in time, as that was the only way to go from here. She remained unsatisfied, because she hadn't actually done a truly dastardly deed; her sisters had caught up too quickly. But maybe she could hide from them, and have time to do something worse before they found her.
She saw a woman looking her way. This was odd, because she thought she was invisible in limbo. So she stepped out of it. "Were you seeing me?" she asked.
"Not you specifically; I just knew that there was something in the area that related to my talent." The woman's eyes were penetrating.
"Who are you?"
"My name is Destiny."
"What is your talent?"
"Destiny. I can change a person's destiny."
Now Melody understood. She slid out of there immediately, wanting none of that. She wanted to keep her destiny in her own hands.
She quested farther, ranging across time and space, looking for fun. It was surprisingly hard to find. Here she had this great talent, and complete freedom; why wasn't she happy with it? Why did she feel somehow unfulfilled?
She saw a young man. She decided to give him no chance to resist. She slid out before him, opening her blouse. "I have something for you," she said.
He looked at her, surprised. "I see you are in need of healing."
This was not the reaction she had expected. "Why do you say that?"
"It's my talent. I can tell when it is needed, and you need it badly."
"I don't need any healing. I'm in a fine fettle. I just want to have a good time."
"I disagree. You can never had a good time, until you are healed. Here, let me try." He reached out his hand.
Now she hesitated. There was something here she didn't understand. "Why do you say that?"
"Because my talent is healing human souls." He caught her hand. "Just let me see, now--" he broke off, astonished. "I can't heal yours!"
She jerked her hand away. "Why not, dumbbell?"
"Because you have no soul! How can this be?"
She didn't answer him; she just slid out of there. She didn't want her soul fixed any more than she wanted her destiny changed.
She coursed along, increasingly frustrated by her inability to find the fun she sought. There had to be something, somewhere, that she could really mess up.
She spied a cave. That looked like Com Passion's residence; it might be really fun to unhappen the sickeningly friendly machine. She could go in and range back, to discover when Passion appeared, then see if there was anything she could do about it.
She slid out of limbo before the screen. Immediately Passion's mouse appeared, squeaking. "Eeeeek!" Melody screamed; five E's was standard in such situations. She had forgotten about the little animal.
Mouse Terian assumed human form. "What can we do for you, Princess Melody?" she inquired.
Melody collected her wits, which had gotten scattered. "Nothing. I'm going to slide back in time and unhappen you and Com Passion."
She tried to slide into limbo--and could not. What was the matter? This hadn't happened before.
Then she saw Passion's lighted screen. Princess Melody remains in place and explains her curious statement.
Oh--the machine was using her ability to change reality inside her cave. Melody had forgotten about that. Now she was stuck in something dull.
She had to answer. "The Random Factor in Castle Maidragon exchanged my soul with the Dastard, so now I have his talent of unhappening and no soul. I'm looking for fun, and that means storks or mischief. So I'm going to do you some mischief, by unhappening your existence."
"But you're a nice princess," Mouse Terian protested.
"Not any more. Now I just want to have fun."
We shall provide you with fun, the screen scripted.
"I'll provide my own," Melody said. She tried to slide into limbo, but was balked again. What a frustration! If only she had remembered about the machine's magic.
We shall play cards.
Worse yet. Melody normally had no interest in cards, and she had less now. "I would really rather not."
Princess changes mind.
"What game?"
"We know three card solitaire games," Terian said. "One of them can be played with another person, and we have played that one with Com Pewter and his mouse Tristan. But that grows a trifle familiar, after two years. We are glad to have a new player; this should add novelty."
"But I don't know any card solitaire games."
"We shall teach you."
Melody wanted to get out of here, but she couldn't figure out a way to change her mind again. So she sat down at a table that appeared, and Terian sat opposite her, and explained to her the rules of a game called Klondike. What they actually played was Double Klondike, with Terian playing for Passion. After Melody lost one game, they played another, and another. She always lost, which didn't improve her mood.
"Is there any way out of this?" she demanded irritably.
"Why yes," Terian said. "If you teach us a new card game we can play, we shall let you go."
Melody considered. Cards weren't used in Xanth, as far as she knew, but the three princesses had encountered a Mundane in Ptero who had carried a deck. He had shown them how to play a game. Maybe that would do.
Melody took the deck. "This is War," she said.
Princess changes mind.
"No, I don't mean war with you," she said quickly. "I mean that's the name of the card game I know. War."
Mind restored.
"Thank you. This is how it is played: Divide the deck into two even parts, from which each player deals one card."
They divided the deck, and each turned over her top card. Melody's was 5?; Terian's was 9?. "Your card is higher than mine, so you win this battle, and take both cards. Put them in a pile beside the other."
Terian did that. Then they dealt two more cards: J? for Melody, 10? for Terian. "This time I won, so I take both cards," Melody said.
The third time they dealt, the cards matched: 7?, 7?. "Now we have a war," she said. "Deal three cards face down on top of your seven, and I will do the same. Deal the fourth one face up. The higher card wins them all."
They dealt, and this time the cards were 3? and 2?. Melody won. "That's all there is to it," she said. "You keep playing until all your cards are gone. Then you take your discard pile and play that. Eventually one player will win all the cards in the deck, and that's the winner."
Terian nodded. "This seems to be an interesting new game."
Princess departs, doing no unhappening here.
Relieved, Melody got up from the table.
Harmony and Rhythm appeared. "Come with us, Melody," Harmony said.
Melody slid into limbo, fleeing them. The two of them could pursue her, but could not stop her from using this magic. She quickly left them far behind.
Where could she go, where they would not follow? Where they would not think of looking for her.
"Castle Zombie," she breathed. Nobody went there if it was not absolutely necessary.
She slid to the castle. There it was, just as weathered and slimy as it was on Ptero. She would surely be safe here.
She slid through its outer wall and through the interior. She knew that the zombies stayed mostly outside. That was just as well; she didn't want to meet a zombie. But the Zombie Master's wife Millie the Ghost was nice. Of course it would be a real accomplishment to unhappen her relationship with the Zombie Master, but that was impossible; that went back about eight hundred fifty years. Millie had not actually been a ghost for about the last fifty-seven years.
She found Millie's chamber. Millie was there--with two guests. Well, maybe something about them could be unhappened. She would make nice until she learned enough to act. That was the way the Dastard had done it, actually; she was coming to understand him better, now that she had the same talent.
She slid into the chamber. "Three greetings," she said.
The three looked at her, startled. "And who might you be?"
Millie asked.
"Princess Melody." Now she recognized the visitors. "Hello, Jenny Elf and Breanna of the Black Wave." She had recognized Jenny because she had pointed ears and four fingers, and Breanna, of course, was black.
"But Princess Melody is only four years old," Jenny protested.
"And she's in Castle Roogna," Breanna said. I saw her there, scarcely an hour ago, before riding the carpet here."
"What you saw was an emulation," Melody said. "Probably done by her friend DeMonica. I am the real Melody."
"But how is this possible?" Jenny asked.
"The three little princesses had a mission that required adult control," Melody explained. "So they changed places for four days with their grown selves on Ptero. I'm Melody Grown."
"Their mission?" Breanna asked.
Melody realized that further details could really mess up the secret mission. Therefore she gave them. "To stop the Dastard from unhappening things. He was traveling in time and interfering with past events, so as to change the present. Only we three princesses could stop him. But enough of this; I'm blank on current events, because on Ptero our year is blank six months either side of the time our Selves live in Xanth. What are you folk up to?"
The three exchanged one old and two young glances. Then they exchanged shrugs. "I am getting ready to retire next year, with my husband," Millie the Ghost said. "Justin Tree and Breanna of the Black Wave will be assuming our places here."
Melody realized that she must have missed more than six months worth of events; she hadn't been paying attention. "Justin Tree? How can a tree do anything?"
"He's not a tree anymore," Breanna said. "Any more than Millie is a ghost. He's a young man. We'll marry next year when I'm eighteen, and move into Castle Zombie. We'll take care of the residents."
"You mean the zombies?"
"We prefer to call them living-impaired."
Melody decided not to debate terminology. "How did you get together with Justin Tree? Why are you taking up with the living-impaired?"
"It's a long story, but I love to tell it. Two years ago I--"
"Thank you." Melody had little patience with long stories. She already had what she needed: the time span. She would go back two years and see what she could unhappen. There would surely be a way to stop Breanna and Justin from meeting, and to prevent them from taking over Castle Zombie. That would be a terrific unhappening. With luck it might send the zombies on a rampage that would horrify all Xanth. "Why are you here, Jenny? I should have thought you would have found your way home to the World of Two Moons by now."