'Won't he die out there?' asked the girl.
'No. Not from the cold at least. He's so hurt and confused, Iwanted him to know at least that he is free.' He came closer, and shesaw that he was shivering. She put another fur around his shoulders andmade him sit by the fire, which she then repaired.
'He means a lot to you, doesn't he?'
'Yes. Perhaps even more than Akar did to you.'
She sat beside him. 'How do you mean?'
'In him I see myself, and I can love..... It's not his fault thathe's helpless now. He's only trying to survive, friendless andlost.'
'But you're not friendless.'
'I know.'
She saw that he wrestled with strong emotions, and said no more. Atlength he took her hand, kissed it, and asked her.
'If Akar is not successful today. . .or even if he is. Could you goto the second reserve again?'
'Yes. But why, if Akar brings us meat?'
'He hunts for you, myself until I am better, and the cub. That isburden enough. Please believe it is best. The tiger needs meat, and hemust take it from me.' Again, though she did not understand, she knewthat deep currents were at work in him.
A short time later Akar did return, carrying in his mouth some kind offield-bird. As Kalus let him in the wolf took it not to the girl, aswas his custom (he had not even acknowledged the man-child'spresence), but instead went to a corner by himself and lay down with it,plucking out the feathers with his teeth, and eating as if he were alonein the chamber. The pup, upon waking, jumped down from the woman'sbed and approached him, her tail wagging in eager solicitation. He didnot rebuff her, but made her wait until he had eaten his fill. Then herose and went out again, passing Sylviana without gesture or affection,bristling slightly as he drew a sullen half-circle past the tiger. Thewoman closed the door again, confused.
'What was that all about? What was he trying to say?'
'Something he's been telling us for weeks, since the death ofKamela, and before.'
'What?' She knew, deep down.
'That he must leave us soon. That his place is with the pack, hisreal kindred. They need him now as much as we do. I think that onlyhis shoulder---'
'It's not TRUE.' She sat down on the floor, a forlorn bundle ina world made suddenly colder. 'He wouldn't leave us likethis.' She tried to rationalize, arguing with whom she did not know.'You're not able to hunt.'
'No, but I will be soon, with as much chance as he. And you can liveon sebreum.'
'But Alaska,' she insisted (the name she had given the pup).
'He knows I will not let her starve. I'm sorry, Sylviana. Buthis place is with his own kind.'
'It's not fair.' Her eyes would not stop filling.
Kalus picked up the fur she had discarded, and gently replaced it aroundher shoulders. He put his hand on her head shyly, feeling unworthy, andunable to do more. But beneath his breath he made this vow.
'So long as there is life inside me, you will never be alone.'
He moved away, unable to face the apparition of Winter's resistanceto his life and to his dreams. To love so deeply, and with so littlehope.....
*
Kalus fed the tiger with the reserves the woman-child brought him. Akarreturned at nightfall and she spent the night beside him, crying softly,and loving more than ever the friend she feared to lose. He did notresist her.
Kalus slept alone, vowing again and again his devotion, fearing to hearhimself speak.
Chapter 26
The next morning Akar rose early, and in the darkness of first morning,stood above the sleeping form of his mistress. Her soft breathing, thesmell of her..... He would not have believed he could feel so much.And as the light grew slowly, calling him away, still he remained there,wistful and sad, wishing only there was some way to tell her. At lastshe stirred, reaching out for him in a troubled dream. Not finding himshe sat up quickly, fearing he had already gone.
She saw him, and sank back into herself. She began to cry, feelingtheir imminent parting as only a woman can. She covered her eyes,ashamed of her weakness and unable to face him.
This was too much for him. Knowing no other gesture, no longer caringif he betrayed himself by emotion, the wolf pushed at the arm with hissnout, and as she lowered it in surprise, nestled his forehead againsther. She said his name, embracing him and pouring out her heart. Allthe pain of this new world, all the loneliness and fear, found outletand meaning in his love, which now she clearly felt.
And at length as she released him, she felt drained but no longer emptyand wounded. A breach had been mended in her soul by his suddenexpression of warmth, and though Akar might have said it differently, hefelt much the same. Stepping back, he gestured toward Kalus'sleeping place, then reluctantly, toward the door. Understanding, shegot up and ascended the steps of the dais, pulling aside the patchworkof furs and waking the man-child.
He was not asleep, nor had been for some time. But he played the partassigned to him, feigning ignorance of what had stirred him to the root.
'Akar has to leave,' she said quietly. 'He wanted to saygoodbye.'
Kalus stepped out from the low shelter and went to bid farewell to hisfriend. He went down on one knee before him, and looked into his eyes.There was no need for words between them. Both had given life to theother, and would do so again. No debt was owed or felt, only the bondof true allies, and their common love for the woman-child, which nowords could express. Still, Kalus felt moved to make some sign. Hereached over and touched her throat, then said with his hands:
'With my life.' Understanding, the wolf simply lowered his head inacknowledgment. Then he gestured toward the door.
'I guess he really has to go,' said Sylviana. Again she embracedand caressed him, so reluctant now to let go. Then straightenedresolutely and went to the door. She opened it herself, and withoutfurther ceremony he went out into the Wild, leaving a stream of memoriesbehind him.
The young man and woman remained silent in the doorway, watching himdisappear slowly into a mist of half-lit snow, lost in thought. Becausethey realized that a page had been turned in their lives, just as oneday their lives would end and the book continue. And feeling this toits depths, all veils torn aside, they knew what it was to be human.Sylviana recalled the poignant line from the Shakespeare sonnet:
'To love that which you fear to lose.'
Then their thoughts once more focused on each other.
*
'You're not going to try to hunt today?' Kalus had begun todress heavily, and even now wrapped the sword-belt around him. Thoughhis eyes were determined, as they had been on the day of Kamela'sdeath, there was something in his manner that was not at all the same.He was less tense, and his breathing more regular. Small comfort thatit was. 'You're in no condition.'
'No, but I've been thinking. Last winter I tried setting traps,different kinds for different animals. They do not bring in large game,but are more..... I don't know how to say it. Less aggressive anddangerous. And with the reserves almost gone, we must live one day at atime. I do not like living without some cushion, no matter how small,especially when it is not my life alone I have to think of. But I havedone it before, and never failed utterly. Fear and despair are myenemies now.'
'It's good to hear you say that, Kalus, it really is. There'sonly one thing wrong with that whole line of reasoning.'
'What's that?'
'Don't misunderstand me. I feel for the tiger, too, and I wanthim to survive. But how can you possibly feed him and us too? He musteat more than the three of us put together. Akar was right in that, atleast.'
'I don't misunderstand, but there is something I haven't toldyou. I think Akar knew it also. It is part of the reason he left whenhe did. Two males, natural competitors---there would have been frictionbetween them.'
'You've lost me.'
'Well. It is true that the first and deepest thing I feel for thetiger is compassion. But if that was all I felt, I w
ould not take himamong us. Love cannot exist without survival.'
'Then why?'
'I take a small chance in feeding him, and treating his wounds. Youhave seen that I make it a point to feed him myself. I am not beingentirely unselfish. I know something of the ways of his kind.'
'Go on.'
'You see, they do not live in packs like the wolves, or with theirmates like the saber-toothed cats. But they are not completely alone,either. They coexist, if that is the right word, and keep loose contactwith others of their kind.'
'Yes,' said Sylviana, beginning to understand. 'I remembersomething about that from zoology. They're a much more social animalthan was first believed.' He nodded, though the words were unknown tohim.
'So you see, since this one is still young, and has lost touch withhis kindred---or he would not have come so far to the east---it is notimpossible that since I shared my meat with him, he would do the samefor me. He would not bring it here, any more than one tiger would takeits kill to another. But if another comes on the scene, they arewilling to share. And Sylviana, never have you seen such a Wintertimehunter.'
Once more she began to feel a quiet respect for his experience, andknowledge of his world.
'But how long before he's able to hunt?'
'He is young and strong, and unless I misread him, very determined.There are no broken bones. Perhaps ten days, perhaps twenty. In anycase, you see that I cannot let him die.'
'Yes.' She squeezed his arm, seeing that he was about togo. 'Be careful.'
'Yes. I will take the wolf. It is time she learned of the worldbeyond these walls.'
It felt strange to her to hear him speak of the pup as a wolf. Sheherself called it Alaska, and he had always before used pseudonyms suchas ?cub' or ?pup'. But looking at her now, standing andwatching them quizzically, she saw that the slight creature Kamela hadbrought them, was indeed a babe no longer. Her limbs had begun to growlong, ahead of the body, and her gaze, though still childish, wasgrowing keener and more aware. And she remembered that this was in facta wolf, and not a dog.
'When you come back, will you tell me why Akar didn't take herwith him? If you know. I have an idea, but I'd like to know whatyou think.'
'When I return, I will be glad to speak of it.' He became suddenlyshy. 'And to be with you.' He went to the door, called to thecub, and went out. Sylviana closed the door behind them.
His thoughts being thus absorbed, Kalus did not realize until he reachedthe end of the ledge and saw the broad, irregular tracks leadingdownward, that the tiger was gone. At first this upset him, both forhis sake and its own. But as he entered the ravine and began tomentally prepare for the lands beyond, he had no choice but to let itgo. It was beyond his control.
'So be it.' But this did not keep him from noting that its trackswent southward down the gorge, and that if they rose again to left orright, it was beyond the edge of his sight.
The cub stayed close to him instinctively, and they made their way firstup the steep slope, then out across the rolling white and camel-hairlands.
*
Kalus returned to the gorge as the sky grew dark and ominous. There wasno sign of the tiger, and his own time in the cold had been devoured.He shivered and coughed in the growing wind, and the voices of cautionwould not be gainsaid. The rules of this new affliction he had learnedthe hard way. The rules of the Cold World he knew by heart. And as helingered a moment, straining his senses for any sight or sound, even thecub seemed anxious, looking about it and at the threatening sky.
'All right,' he said gruffly, as much to the nameless as toanyone. 'Chase me back into my hole again. Tomorrow I'll beback.' He gained the ledge, and the doorway beyond.
Sylviana greeted him with an embrace that surprised him. He had notexpected it, for one thing, and had forgotten how much this simplecontact was worth. And he remembered too, for all the day'sfrustrations, his deep affection for her. If only he could bring themall to some safe place.....
'Are you well?' he asked her.
'Well enough, now. I don't like the look of that sky, though, orthe sudden drop in temperature. I'm worried about Akar.'
'And I for the tiger. He's gone off, you know.'
'Yes. I'm sorry.'
He shrugged his shoulders unconvincingly. 'There's nothing I cando about it now. I couldn't make him a prisoner.'
He took off his warm wrappings, refitted the one-piece garment, then satdown on the steps of the altar and began sharpening his sword. But allat once he cast away the whet-stone, a hard and bitter edge on all hisfeatures.
'It's not fair,' he said. 'I wanted him to live..... Iwanted him to be my friend.'
Sylviana studied him wordlessly, touched and taken back, as ever, by thepower of his primal emotions. And when he looked up at her, she sawagain the restless and hungry expression that so haunted her. Sheturned away, drawn to him as on a chain, yet afraid. Why did he moveher so?
'I didn't want to lose Akar, either. Sometimes if you lovesomeone, you have to let them go.' Now it was she who wasunconvincing. And all at once, he wanted her.
Kalus rose, all his sorrows and reawakened desires now focused withtotal singularity upon the object, the living being of his love. Hemoved closer, and took her by the shoulders, and turned her towards him.There was nothing else in all the world.
'I want to make love to you.'
He kissed her, and stripped away the barriers between them, and touchedher with the roots of his being, overflowing like a well-spring upon theearth. She had not the strength to resist him, and soon lost all desireto do so. He led her to his bed, and together they breathed deeper airthan they had for many days.
*
Later that night, as they slept side by side, Kalus dreamed that he rodeacross a vast expanse on the back of a great horse, its silver maneflying in the wind of its speed. Then as the sun set the land becamedark and he walked alone, till in the dense and shadowed underbrushthere was a rustle of movement, and a great cat called his name.
And waking, he heard the sound again. He pulled aside the patchwork offurs and moved across the room, afraid the sound would fade intounreality. He threw a log quickly on the dying fire, and went to thedoor. And opened it.
The snow tiger stood before him, a fierce storm howling all aroundit. Leg bleeding and weak from hunger, it remained motionless. Butstill it stood, and wanted to come in.
'What is it?' asked his lover, peering out from the canopy ofstone.
'A miracle,' he pronounced, blinded by the water in his eyes andin his heart. 'The tiger has come back.' It lumbered in woozily,and he closed the door behind it.
Chapter 27
Thus began a period of relative calm for the reshaped company. Slowlythe tiger's wounds healed, and slowly, as he became wiser and moreproficient at setting them, Kalus' traps became more productive. Thereserves were emptied and there was never much to spare. Theirexistence was strictly one day at a time, and face tomorrow when itcomes. But what was absolutely needed, the bare-bone necessities, werethrough constant effort and exertion, one way or another obtained.
And though Winter was hardly on the wane, neither could it increase oroutdo the storms it had already hurled against them. The fortress theyhad made of Skither's cave, as well as the yet dearer fortresses ofmind and body, continued to withstand and endure. And their collectivewill remained unvanquished.
And in late afternoons and evenings, when the day's work was done andnothing more could be bought by their labors, there was time forreading, conversation and quiet thought. The tiger, once it learned itwas free to do so, often went out into the night, if only to rest justbeyond the safety of the lair; and this, along with Akar's absence,left a natural void which must be filled with more human pursuits. Eventhe cub would turn peaceful, either tired out by the day's doings, orengaged in some quiet pursuit of its own, chewing at a bone or piece ofleather, or simply working out in dream the wonders and perils of itsworld.
For
Sylviana it was both comforting and painful to recall herselfthrough books, and to reveal to Kalus for the first time, the beauty andtorment of Man's elevated walk upon the Earth. That it should now beall but extinguished was to her an unspeakable and inexpressibletragedy. Yet she had learned from Ursula LeGuin years before (though atthe time she had not understood it), that the only way to deal with thehorror of a shattered past was to face it, and call it by its true name.And she told herself that in her heart, if nowhere else, lived thememory of much that was noble and good.
For Kalus the various narratives, histories and philosophies, continuedto open a whole new world before him. And though it was at times apleasant and enlightening escape, on the whole his reactions to modernsociety were not unlike the woman's first impressions of the violentworld outside their door. It held wonders, yes, and on occasion,profound beauty and wisdom. But the accounts of civil war, totalitarianregimes, torture, famine, real and effectual slavery, environmentalpollution and industrial greed, excited in him the same horror that theimagined swarm of giant ants had once roused in Sylviana.