'Live for me, instead.' And they quietly embraced.
A moment later, Sylviana saw beyond his shoulder the outline of whatappeared to be a stalking predator. The image yet unresolved throughher tears, it dropped slinking down into the gorge.
'Kalus. Something's coming this way.' He turned quickly, andshe pointed. He drew his sword, and put her behind him with his arm.He was about to tell her to withdraw, when something in the shadowymovements struck a familiar chord inside him. His eyes brightened, thenhe smiled outright. Once more the mad happiness engulfed him.
'It's Avatar!'
'Yes.'
'And there's no trace of a limp. He's moving the way a greatcat should. See him climb!'
But as the striped form drew on, showing no sign of either fear orrecognition, she felt a tremor of doubt. Surely the tiger they hadknown was not so large and supple. Yet as it slowed its movements andbroke again into sunlight, she recognized the eyes and striped markingsof their friend. Before she could ask, Kalus answered her.
'He's nearly full grown now. A few more months and no grizzlywill dare to stand up to him.' Looking at the powerful creature soclose at hand, she found this easy to believe. For all her familiarityand trust, she could not help but feel a certain awe and fear. Even themuscles in Kalus' arm tensed involuntarily, as it came to a haltperhaps a dozen feet away. But the tension was not lasting. Sheathinghis sword, he spoke its name and began to advance toward it.
But at this the tiger turned away curiously, as if to retreat. Oncemore he gestured and spoke to it, but upon trying to come closer theresult was the same.
'I think he wants me to follow him. I don't understand hisurgency, but I think that I should. Will you be all right?'
'Yes. Be careful. What about Alaska?'
'Keep her here with you, until I find out what he's trying to tellme.' Turning one last time. 'I love you.'
'Go on, will you? And watch where you're going, you're goingto break your neck.'
'All right. Goodbye.' He slowly disappeared among the shadows ofthe gorge.
*
The tiger had begun by leading him southward along the bottom of thegorge. He kept waiting for it to turn away westward, or double backupon its tracks, since the sandstone hills that formed the southernborder of his world were the unsleeping realm of the mountain cats. Andthough the tiger was the match of any unaltered creature of the winterforests, these powerful, saber-toothed throwbacks were not to be tested.And at the point where the sandstone and granite ridges met..... Hecould not even think about that. With every step he became more leery,and whispered as loudly as he dared for the tiger to stop and turn back.But to his utter dismay, it held fast to the deepening gorge until theend.
Like a nightmare Kalus' felt his fears surround him, and all hope andsafety slip behind. The walls at either hand became too steep to climb.His messenger and guide, who for its own sake he dared not abandon,refused to heed his warnings. The shadows grew deeper, and up ahead hebegan to describe, half in fearful imagination, half in stark reality,the outline of the darkest shadow that yet lived in all the Valley.Like a hole broken in the side of some ancient subterranean dungeon,straight ahead of him, larger than natural life, he saw the yawningblackness of the Commodores' cave. Only once before, as anadolescent, had he observed it, from the high western wall. And whenthe side-winding, forty foot reptile had sauntered out, tasting the hotsummer air with its tongue, he had run like the fleetest antelope,oblivious to the singular (and dangerous) spectacle he made, his onedesire to be as far from the killing serpent as possible. His morerecent encounter had only galvanized his fears.
Yet here he was, after years of struggle on the brink of a personalvictory, with love and hope in sight, being drawn irresistibly to theone place above all others that he was loathe to go. Indeed, it was theperil of these Winter-sleeping creatures that made him most uneasy inthoughts of the coming Spring.
His anger and fear merged into maddening exasperation, but still thetiger plodded forward, heedless. It reached the dark overhang ofsandstone and gazed back at him. Yet again he repeated the gestures ofwithdrawal, made unable by the consequences to speak. The tiger noddedits understanding, or seemed to, but then to his horror and finalconsternation, dove headlong into the grinning maw of death.
Once again Kalus was faced with the terrible choice: loyalty to one heloved, or survival for himself. He stood trembling on the threshold,frozen with fear and burning with inner conflict. He looked back uponthe sunlit world and thought of his home: of his woman, and the cub.But what kind of home would it be if he abandoned his friend at greatestneed? Swallowing hard a cry of rage to deaf gods, he drew out the readysteel of his sword, and plunged into darkness.
*
The hollow funnel of the passage had been worn flat by the years, and bythe constant passing of the inscrutable reptiles. Kalus saw and heardnothing---only the pounding of his heart, and the gentle rasp of his furboots against the life-dry sandstone. He moved by sense of feel andair, in times of doubt probing ahead of him with the sword. How farahead the tiger had gone he had no way of knowing. And more and more hebegan to feel that if he must come upon the scene of its shadow-sprungperil, he would at least come upon it after, and in silence. Hecrouched lower and (if possible) stalked more quietly, advancing in astate of warlike readiness.
How far he walked he could not say. But suddenly, or perhaps only madesudden by the final acceptance of a half believed message from his eyes,he became aware of a soft light in the distance. This morning-like glowheld fast at the edge of sight, and as he drew closer, began by slowdegrees to reveal its source. Ahead of him the funnel reached itsnarrowest point, a squarish hole still broad enough for five men to passabreast, that opened into a deepening expanse. Coming toward therising, hard-rock lip of it, he went down on his belly, crawled forward,and looked over into the heart of the thing he feared.
There are times when a man's worst fears are justified, and when hecannot, with any hope of survival, confront them. But often throughpatience, perseverance, and the fullness of time, the antithesis of hislife can be worn down, altered, or made in the end less terrible. Andwhile it is the height of foolishness for any man to laugh in the faceof death, neither must he deify the many smaller deaths of Fear.
There in the sunken center, the stage, as it were, of this vaultedsubterranean amphitheater, stood the tiger on a patch of sandy earth,among a tangle of living scrub. A soft and warm light shone down on himthrough a broad opening in the stone overhead. Nor was it a mere holeto the world beyond. Through one of the many wonders of Nature, a veinof crystalline quartz interceded, allowing the sun's light to pass,while gathering and holding a fair measure of its warmth.
All these things he observed in the time it took for his eyes to adjustto what seemed a blinding glare, though in reality it was many shadeslighter than the unfiltered sunlight. He had not yet seen the shadows:the tiger was not alone.
There, stretched lengthwise amid recessions in the descending,stair-like levels, as if the whole of a deceased family among thelayered shelvings of a crypt, a full score of the dreadful reptiles laysleeping. It was a sight to freeze the blood, but for one odd detailwhich their considerable girth clearly illustrated. THEY DID NOTBREATHE. Or if they did, it was so infrequently that in theconsiderable time he watched he never saw it. No heave or swell of theelastic ribs and dry, loose-fitting skin could be seen, even where anentire flank stood out against the unshaded light from above. BUTSURELY THEY WERE NOT DEAD. No sign of decay could be seen on them, norany apparent cause of death.
Sylviana had told him of the aquatic lizards of the Galapagos Islands,who when diving for the sea vegetation which sustained them could holdtheir breath for an hour or more, even stopping their heartbeat to doso. But even this did not fully explain the phenomenon by which theseenormous, cold-blooded creatures could remain suspended for the nearlysix month period when the world outside became to them untenable, orreveal the inn
er clock that told them to wake once more, and slowlyrevive into a living state.
The tiger, who had discovered this place on that first, bitter wanderingfrom the man-child's cave, being drawn by its warmth and shelter, hadno need for such questions, and simply accepted the fact. He hadreturned one time since, and in his animal way reasoned that these, likeall hibernating creatures, would not be stirring until the weatherturned warm. And now that the time had come for him to return againnorthward, to the long forests where Winter hardly waned, he desired togive some last gift to his friend, who had helped bring him back to theworld of the living. This gift was the magic of the green, buddingcactus which on that troubled night had opened his mind to show him thathis own feelings, as well as the strange company who had taken him in,could be trusted. He looked up at the Kalus placidly, waiting for himto come down.
Kalus stood regarding the scene some moments longer. Though he slowlyreasoned that the danger was remote, or at least not immediate, a den ofdragons, be they live, dead or sleeping, is not to be entered lightly.And he could not imagine why the tiger had brought him here. At last hebegan to descend, though warily, all the time watching the silent shapesfor any sign of movement or consciousness. There were none. He came tothe dry, earthy disc in the bowl's center, and approached the tiger.His expression and body language were taut as he said. 'Why, Avatar?Why, of all the places you have ever been, did you bring me here?'
In mute reply the tiger carefully took one of the buds in his teeth andplucked it free, as on that night he had done, seeking the moisture andsustenance within. Then began to chew, curling his lip and tongue inreaction to the bitter taste. But the taste had been bitter on thatfirst night as well.
Kalus knelt to examine the plant, and the special part that his friendhad eaten. YOU BROUGHT ME HERE TO TASTE THE FRUIT OF A GNARLED DESERT?he thought curiously. For so it seemed to him. But looking into thedeep, mysterious eyes of the tiger, and again at the strange plant hehad never seen, he wondered. Using the hunting knife he carefully cutaway several of the buds, placing them in his pouch. He was tempted toput the last in his mouth, but something warned him off. Not until I amfree of this place, he thought, and the tiger seemed to understand.
Together they withdrew, to ride the dragon's wing.
*
The four of them stood again on the ledge, the cub jumping playfully atthe tiger's face. Avatar patiently eluded the mock biting, andpushed her away with softened claws. Like Akar before him, he too foundit hard to leave them, and still harder to expression the affection andgratitude he felt.
Retrieving the cub, Kalus knelt directly in front of him and gently,cautiously stroked the great head. 'Don't worry,' he said.'I understand your silence better than many who can speak. I knowyou have to leave. And I'm proud, so very proud that I could helpyou, and be a part of your life. I will never forget you.' He put hisface against its shoulder, and let a few tears pass. 'It's theway of it, my friend. But wherever you go, a part of me will alwaysfollow.'
The tiger stood still, confused, but he did not pull away. Again theireyes met, and in that moment it seemed that the two worlds, animal andman, could truly touch. The tiger pulled back slowly. Kalus raisedhimself and took a deep breath.
'Goodbye,' said Sylviana. 'I know you can'tunderstand. . .but you gave back to me someone very dear.'
The tiger turned and retreated down the slope, as human eyes felt againthe bittersweet flow of mortal life.
Chapter 31
It was evening before Kalus said anything to Sylviana of themorning's adventures. First there had been work to do, then he feltreluctant to worry her. Finally, as they sat side by side on a flatstone before the diminishing fire, she asked him.
'Where did Avatar take you?' For an answer he reached into hispouch and took out the cactus buds, and laid them on the stone between.'Did you ever see these, or hear of them? They come from a desertplant that is like but unlike others I have seen. He was very intent onmy eating them---he risked much---but I wanted to talk to you first.'
She took one in her fingers, and held it up against the light. 'If Ididn't know better..... They look like peyote buttons.'
'What are they?'
'A hallucinogenic cactus, used by the Native Americans in dances andreligious ceremonies. It's a kind of drug, if that's the rightword for something found in Nature. It's supposed to open the mind,and let you see things beyond the physical reality.'
'Is it a kind of magic, then?' He was fascinated and intriguedthat the tiger had experienced this elevated state, and wanted him tofeel it, too.
'I guess you could call it that. But one very dangerous to theyoung, or to anyone who doesn't know what they're doing.'
'Have you ever eaten them?'
'No. I've smoked marijuana, which is safer..... But Kalus, thesecan't possibly be peyote.'
'Why not?'
'Because if the tiger had eaten them he'd have gone crazy: hewouldn't have understood. He wouldn't have been able to think itthrough.'
'And maybe for that same reason he wasn't afraid. You stilldon't see it, do you? An animal's mind isn't less than ours,only different. He lives in his world as clearly, and understands it aswell, as you and I. He is not a half-wakened child.'
'Well, assuming all that's true, and that this is peyote. Do youthink you're ready for it? Because I promise you, it would take yourmind to places it's never been. It could be very frightening.....Now you're scaring me.'
Indeed, he had all but stopped listening, gazing instead with fixedintensity upon the mystical substance before him.
'I want to try, Sylviana, if only for the pains it cost me to bringit here.' He looked at her intently. 'Where Avatar leads, I wantto follow if I can.'
'I can't stop you, but..... Oh, Kalus. I'm so afraidyou'll hurt yourself. And after all we've been through.'
He saw the wisdom of this, and her deep concern. 'What if eat justone, and you are here with me?'
The endless conflict between safety and wild freedom once more presenteditself. Both felt it clearly. She hesitated, then said.
'If we do it, we do it together.'
'All right.'
Kalus put a bud in his mouth. Sylviana did the same.
***
'This is amazing.'
Roughly an hour had passed, and these words so broke the stillness thatit seemed as if Kalus had then and there invented speech. And indeed,so far as concerned the virgin sea on which they now sailed, eternal andboundless, these were the first words, and he and the woman-child, thetrue Adam and Eve.
For some time now he had remained as a near statue, only his eyes andforehead working, studying in alternate wonder his hand, the circle ofstones, then the altar and mirror behind it. Sylviana watched him,feeling the same awe of the experience, and perhaps to a greater degree,the accompanying danger. She answered simply.
'Yes.'
Her voice, like a pebble in a pool, touched the glassy waters of hisspirit, sending out ripples of thought and feeling which seemed asendless as the pool itself. Regaining his center, he became placid withthe wisdom of silence, until the shoots that stirred within him wereready to blossom once more in true speech. Sylviana was becomingconcerned, but he had not forgotten her.
'All my days,' he said finally, 'I've judged life by thepale shadow of it in which I've often been forced to live, neverguessing that the heart. . .the very bones of it. . .are ALIVE.' Hepaused.
'It seems to me now, as it did when I was a child, that no hope, nodream is ever fully lost, so long as the least fragment remains aliveinside you. It becomes like a seed---sleeping, dormant. But not dead.Until, if we can endure, and fight our way to a better place where sunand water yet flow, it is called gently back to life.'
He looked at her, tears streaming down his face. 'I am alive! Andyou, my endless miracle. Are alive, and here with me.'
She took his hand, so close, and pressed it to her lips.
'Be gentle, my loving
Kalus. Be gentle. There are still so manywounds.'
Never, it seemed to him, had she spoken more truly. For he now felt inthe wrenching of his heart, as surely as if the flesh itself ached andbled, the many scars that lay across him. He became quiet, and put hishead against her, knowing that for all his yearning, patience alonewould heal him, and make those forgotten dreams possible.
Time passed.
At length Kalus raised himself, understanding, and better able to handlethe heightened state of his senses, feeling once more like a peacefulsea from which the gale has passed, softened and grateful.
'Thank you,' he said to her. He took a deep breath.
'Are you all right?'
There was something more than womanly concern in her voice. An intensecuriosity had taken hold of her, as if she too pondered some greatriddle of her past. The questions twirled like serpents about theobject she now surveyed.
'Yes. What are you thinking?'
'I've been looking at the mirror,' she said, gazing at itstill. 'All this time we've taken the altar, and the visions ofthat night, for granted, perhaps because the questions were too deep,and they frightened us..... But what does it all mean, Kalus? What'sBEHIND it?'
Turning toward the singular apparatus, which like her he had left asideuntil this night as simply too much to contemplate, he was again drawnby its silent mystery. But in his more earthy, less ethereal way, hetook the question literally. What lay BEHIND it? And stirred at last tophysical action, he took from his pouch the round hammer-stone andapproached the blue-black mirror, which seemed to waver in strangepatterns before him.