'I give you your freedom, also..... I LOVE you. But whatever is tocome, I cannot chain you to me. You must return to me, if you would, ofyour own free will.'
BUT THIS IS AWFUL, she thought. HIS TIMING IS TERRIBLE. She foughtback the urge to say, 'And what if I don't want my freedom? Didit ever occur to you that I might feel the same way about you?'Instead she said nothing. So be it.
And here Kalus made a fundamental error of human psychology. For whileon an intellectual level a woman may be pleased at the prospect of her?freedom', on an instinctive or emotional level, and with a manshe loves, such words are a source of deep doubt and insecurity. IfKalus truly wanted and needed her, why wasn't he willing to guard herlove, even fight for it? Didn't he care anymore?
But all such thoughts passed through her below the surface only. Herone concern now (so she told herself) was for their welfare, which heseemed to be taking far too lightly.
'And what if we're stranded here for a month? Our supplieswon't last half that long.'
'I don't think we're stranded, or alone..... I saw the lightsagain last night.'
These words worked on her system like an electric shock.
'What! Why didn't you wake me?'
'You needed sleep more than water, or even air. Please don't fightwith me, Sylviana. Much could happen this day. I don't want it tobegin with a rift between us.'
She paced back and forth in the deep sand, her strides sinking, failingto carry her any meaningful distance before doubling back. It was notanger she felt now, but fear.
Because she could not yet face the prospect of finding other men andwomen like herself. Through all their preparations she had only halfbelieved it, deep down. Yet now the most terrible question of her liferose in unshrouded hugeness before her:
HAD OTHERS OF HER KIND SURVIVED THE DESTRUCTION? Or was she truly alonewith Kalus, who she seemed to know less and less each day? And why dida part of her WANT to be alone with him? She could not face it. Ifafter all her hopes and fears it came to nothing.....
'All right,' she said, trying to calm herself. 'All right.What do we do now?'
'Build a fire, eat and drink, then move inland carefully. Wedon't know yet what we'll find. I think I can trace the source ofthe beams well enough. The Island is large, but not infinite. Only itsuneven surface makes it appear so. If we miss on the first try, or eventhe second, we will be closer to the source; and we can trace the beamsby night, if need be.'
But for all her need of nourishment, Sylviana's knotting stomachwould not think of food. 'We've got to go now! I'm sorry,Kalus, but I can't possibly wait another minute.'
He started to overrule her, then checked himself, secretly bitter at hereagerness. 'Very well,' he said. 'But we go slowly, and withour weapons in our hands. I'll take no chances in this wretchedplace.'
His mood had changed abruptly. He too felt the specter of the waitingunknown, though his hopes and fears were nearly opposite; and he becameonce more the untrusting hill-man. He lifted his spear, jaw set againstthe dark uncertainty that awaited them.
Sylviana strode ahead anxiously. Together they cleared the sand, andclimbed the first slanting rise. It dipped, and another rose beforethem, frail earth punctured by an agony of stone and steel. Theyadvanced.
Chapter 38
Inland the earth grew somewhat less troubled. The undulating cross ofridges became smoother and more widely spaced, with patchwork valleyssinking in their midst. The scarred remains of buildings were also lessfrequent, though here and there an inexplicable mound of slag, halfovergrown like an ancient, impoverished barrow, rose to recall theunsleeping dead that still walked there.
Sylviana was soon pale and exhausted, and Kalus could no longer indulgeher almost distracted urge to keep moving. Almost angry, he made hersit down in the grim shade of a leering monolith. For the day had grownhot and humid, with hardly a breeze to calm the reeling senses, or breakthe spell of sunny, smiling death that seemed to hang in the air aroundthem like a witch's curse. A delirium of fever had come over herfrom the tumultuous passage of the rapids and the sea, but in herexcited state she was not calm or rational enough to realize it.
Kalus gave her water and tried to cool her burning forehead, telling herin no uncertain terms that they would not go one step further until shehad caught her breath, and let him do something about the gash on herknee---the result of a fall---which she kept insisting was nothing.
NOTHING?
But she hardly heard him, unable to master her emotions. She knew whereshe was, mentally, but this drab physical assurance helped not at all.Why in the name of all that was dark, mysterious and unfathomable wasshe here, ten thousand years removed from the time and world she hadknown? And who was this half wild man who tended her, and thebewildered animal that licked her hand in half-formed worry andconfusion? KALUS. ALASKA. NEW YORK. What were they but names? Whatwas this place, truly, but the untouchable Land of the Dead, which thesun had somehow invaded.
As her breath came easier the thoughts slowed and became less feverish,but did not change in character. Her body ached. She felt lonely andnumb and afraid. Yet somehow she grew calmer, feeling that if once shelooked into Kalus' eyes the world would again become comprehensible,if still cruel and unfair.
But by dint of some perverse pride she refused to do so. She would notbe a slave to any man, or concede her spirit to a Nature so base andsingle-minded. Whatever that might mean. She did not know.
And as soon as the slightest strength returned to her limbs she was upagain, fighting the stubborn rush of dizziness, assuring the naggingvoice of caution that she was ready to go on.
Kalus was truly worried, himself not immune to the alien strangeness ofthe place. He did not know what waited over the next hill, the nextseries of hills, or how with his primitive weapons alone he wouldprotect them. For he had seen the wisp of smoke, the kind that only mancan make: the white smoke of intentional fire, though he dared not speakof it to the girl.
All seemed lost and out of control. He wanted to yield and to trust,and if it had been his life alone he might have done so. But the morethe woman-child railed and pulled away from him, the more he knew thatshe was family in the deepest sense. Nothing she could do or say madehim feel any less bound to her, one with her, or responsible for hersafety and well-being.
There was nothing else for it. She had begun of her own to climb theuneven slant. He could either follow behind or forcibly stop her; therewas no third alternative. He ran to stand beside her, taking her arm asgently as he could.
'Sylviana, please. Let me lead the way. I do not think it is far,but we must be careful. Please.'
She finally looked at him, and remembered. She wanted to collapse inhis arms and weep. She wanted to say that nothing else mattered. Shewanted to go back to their life by the sea and never again think ofislands and men. But she could not. She took his hand firmly in hers,kissed it, and yielded to what had to be. She must go on, and he mustlead her. As he must somehow understand.
Together, more slowly, they dipped two more valleys and climbed a finalridge. They reached the top of it, Kalus for some reason hugging closeto the shadows of a stunted oak.....
There, in that small recession, their lives changed forever. An outdoorcooking fire, a row of low stone buildings. Two women and a man movingabout a table with plates and cups. And not dressed like animals, butmen. Overalls, a blue NASA worksuit, an Oriental dress. Sylvianalooked on, not surprised she told herself, then felt the ground rush upto meet her.
*
Kalus caught her beneath the arms and pulled her under the partial coverof the tree. But it was too late. They had been seen. Without audibleword or gesture, the three stopped what they were doing and began tomove toward them. One, at least, had seen her fall, and they began torun, thinking she was wounded or sick.
But they were brought up short by an imposing figure with a sword, and ahalf grown wolf which seemed unsure whether to welc
ome their aid, orprotect its fallen mistress from them. It growled and lungeduncertainly, looking over at the man, who remained silent. There was amoment of mutual indecision and fear.
But then the woman in the dark silk dress, lit with patterns of gold andlilac, stepped forward. Her appearance was strange to him, theshimmering black hair and olive skin seeming more exotic even than hisfirst memories of Sylviana. Her eyes were calm and reassuring, but notnaive. She put a hand to her chest, then opened it toward him in whathe clearly recognized as a gesture of truce.
Her stillness, and the way she looked at him without wavering, toldKalus more than any other sign that she meant them no harm. He loweredhis sword and said simply.
'Do we speak the same language?'
She smiled sadly. 'Yes, I believe we do.' At this the others cameforward.
'Is the girl all right?' asked the man. He started to movetowards her, but Kalus' rugged frame interposed.
'She is exhausted and feverish, and startled by the sight of you.She is of your kind, I think. I am not.'
Taking this in officiously, the man once more addressed him, offeringhis hand, which Kalus did not take. But he persisted. 'I'm PaulMcIntyre, flight surgeon..... I'm a doctor, son. Won't you letme help your friend?'
But for all his relief and desire to yield, Kalus found it hard to letanother man touch her, even in this simple way. Again the young womaninterceded. She laid a soft and delicate hand on his, and looked himfull in the face with brilliant, almond eyes, drawn to a gentle point ateach corner.
'It's all right,' she said. 'You're among friends.Won't you let us help you?' Her voice and manner were so alluringthat for a moment he forgot all else. He looked down at Sylviana, halfashamed of what the Oriental had aroused in him, and said quietly.
'So long as you are gentle. I think she just needs rest.'
The doctor was already at work, lifting her off the hard roots to leanback against his thighs. Then reaching inside a black bag that he hadbrought, he broke open a pouch of smelling salts and moved it back andforth under her nose. Her head stirred, then turned away in distaste.She regained full consciousness to find herself lying, literally, in thestrange older man's lap. Forgetting that this was what her mind hadsought, she cried out instinctively.
'Kalus!' And in a moment he was beside her. 'Kalus,' shepleaded. 'Is it all right? Are we safe here?' He looked hard atthe doctor.
'Yes, my Sylviana. I think that we are.'
She studied the man once more. 'Is it true? Are you really withNASA? This isn't a dream?'
'Yes, I'm with NASA. Second manned expedition to Mars---we nevermade it. But there's time for all that later. Right now we'regoing to get some fluids into you, and give you something for the fever.Then I'd prescribe bed rest, and a further examination. Young man,will you help me---'
But before he could finish the girl had turned her face into hisstomach, and was crying like a child. He stroked her hair easily andnaturally, speaking words of comfort and assurance. As the man-childlooked on and felt lost.
At length she grew quieter. Kalus lifted her in his willing arms, anddespite all objections, carried her himself to a bed in the cooldarkness of one of the huts.
Chapter 39
All that afternoon Sylviana remained in the hut, sleeping, drinkingfruit juice, and luxuriating in the incredible comfort of a real bed.Twice the doctor came in to check on her, and each time she made him sitdown on the edge of the bed and talk to her, about what it didn'tmatter, just to hear his soothing voice that spoke of a world she knewand trusted, and to feel she was no longer alone: that it was all rightto be a needing child. And after a time his words became like music, alullaby, and she would slip back into untroubled sleep, her handunconsciously resting on his. Then he would gently lift it and set itbeside her, and smiling, rise to tell the others that she would be fine.
*
Kalus would have remained beside her door all day in silent watch, butthey would not let him. Though all at the noon meal of the partlygathered colony were asked to let the newcomers be, by evening theircuriosity could no longer be disciplined. He was asked to join them forsupper, the first of the year to be eaten outdoors, and it was all butimpossible to refuse.
So as the remaining men and women returned from their variouslabors---there were fourteen in all---Kalus took his place at the farend of the long table, not to distinguish himself, but because he didnot wish to sit closely huddled among creatures he did not know. Andthough by all appearances they seemed the best that modern man had tooffer (in fact they were), he could not help remembering the tales ofhuman treachery that Sylviana had read to him; and half fearfully, halfangrily, he kept waiting for some sign of it to surface.
But it never did. These people seemed to genuinely care about andsupport each other, and to respect his wish to be silent. And all wouldhave gone well but for an incident which none could have foreseen, andfor which Kalus himself could not be blamed.
Sylviana, hearing the sounds of conversation and real companionship,dressed herself quickly, and against doctor's orders, came out tojoin them. She was welcomed heartily, and given a place near the headof the table. And all seemed well enough.
But as the dishes were being cleared and those still seated began topush back their chairs and settle themselves more comfortably, Sylvianabegan to tell her story in abbreviated form. Then Kalus saw that thetall, straight man at the head of the table---their leader, heperceived---kept staring at her in growing agitation. In truth the lookwas not one of hunger, but of intense curiosity, and of a man rackinghis brains for some distant memory. But Kalus could not know this.Finally the man interrupted her, saying plainly.
'Sylviana. What is your last name?'
To her amazement, she had to think for a moment. She hadn't used itfor what seemed, and was, an eternity.
'Matheson.'
'And was your father Guy Matheson, the physiologist?'
'Yes! Did you know him?'
'Know him? Why girl, I even know YOU, though I'm sure youwouldn't remember. I worked with your father for the better part ofa year, trying to smooth out some wrinkles in the cryogenics andlife-support systems needed for longer, deep Space voyages. You wereonly eight or nine at the time, but I've thought of you at least ahundred times since, and wondered what became of you. There was suchsimple joy in everything you did.....'
And as a look of slow recognition and wonder came over the youngwoman's face, the normally reserved Mission Commander was overcome byemotion. He stood up, telling her to do the same. He moved closer, andembraced her heartily.
'Dear God, it's good to see you. To know that you're stillalive.'
This was too much for Kalus. The chair on which he sat flew backwardand the sword leapt from its sheath, in the upward swing knocking hardagainst the bottom of the table. Jolted, the company turned to facehim, as to contain his animal passion he took a step backward andbreathed heavily. But the tip of his sword he pointed at the leader ina rage, saying with disciplined fire.
'LET HER GO.'
But none were more startled, or dismayed, than Sylviana. 'Kalus!'she demanded, as if he were an errant child. 'Put the sword away.Can't you see these people mean us no harm? This man was a friend ofmy father's. And of mine.'
He stood pale in the artificial light, his limbs trembling and his mindconfused. He lowered the sword, and slowly realized that he had been afool, and disgraced them both. He hung his head, and colored withshame.
'I'm sorry. I don't understand these things..... I am a wild,foolish man. But when you touched my woman---'
He looked up quickly, to find his worst fears confirmed. Sylviana hadwinced at being called his woman. He felt a part of himself dying.Perhaps he overreacted, but it was what he truly felt.
'I am a fool. I will leave you.' But a firm voice broke him off,that of Kataya, the Oriental.
'NO,' she said. 'Don't ever apologize for who and what youare. Ever.' He looked up to see
her standing. 'CommanderStenmark, and Sylviana, too, must share the blame for this.' Therewas a note of reproach in her voice, though she had not intended it.'You reacted in the way your world has taught you, a world that noneof us can know, and in which there is no shame. You are welcome amongus, and you will stay.'
There was an awkward silence. Then the Commander, who was in fact theirleader, remembered himself and spoke reassuringly, voicing perhaps thesentiments of all.
'She's right, young man. God help us, she's always right.'
With this the tension faded. The doctor, who to this point had beenlenient with his patient, now called her visit to an end.
'You, young lady,' he said in paternal tones, 'Are supposed tobe in bed. As for the rest of you gawkers,' he added with mockseverity, 'We can put Kalus under the microscope tomorrow, and thenheaven help him! You're in a colony of scientists, my boy, andyou'll get no rest until we're as bored with you as we are witheach other. Enough now! Break up this little party or I'll come upwith a new vaccine and inject you where you sit. Literally.'
With this, chuckling, responding in kind, the company began to disperseto the various huts. The Commander approached Kalus, shook his hand,and apologized personally, while the hill-man repeated his owncontrition.
At last, looking down, Kalus found himself seated at the table alone,his thoughts as dark and empty as the place itself. Sylviana had beenashamed of him. ASHAMED. As if the past meant nothing, had neverhappened.