Both of us were pretending.
And I know why I was, but I can’t work out what her reason was.
chapter 27
MY DAD FORGETS to pick up Luca and me from a nighttime recital at the cathedral, so we make our own way home. At 10:30, I hear the key in the door and wait for him to come in.
“Where have you been?”
He looks surprised to see me standing there.
“I went to a council meeting. Why aren’t you in bed?”
“Since when have you gone to council meetings and since when have they finished at 10:30?”
“Since Mia couldn’t. And I was giving Hildy and Emma some advice about their wall foundations.” He’s still in his work clothes, and I’m following him around as he pulls off his dirty boots and puts them outside.
“Oh great,” I say, “now the whole neighborhood is going to talk about what you’re getting up to with other women.”
He walks back into the house and looks at me, stunned.
“They’re lesbians, Frankie. There’s nothing to talk about.”
“So if they weren’t lesbians, there’d be something to talk about?”
“Why are we having this ridiculous discussion?”
He opens the fridge and takes out some stuff for a sandwich.
“How do you know they’re lesbians, anyway? Are you an expert now, or do you just go around generalizing like every other ignorant person out there?”
“Oh, so now I’m ignorant? When did this come about?” he snaps.
“When you started laboring under misapprehensions about two women with short hair who choose to live together,” I say, trying to use as many big words as possible.
“You mean the two women who said to me, ‘Would you be able to draw up some building plans for the Gay and Lesbian Association that we belong to?’ ”
He looks at me as if to say, are you finished now that I’ve won this discussion? But I won’t let him win.
“You forgot to pick us up from the recital.”
“Shit,” he mutters to himself. “Did Luca get home okay?”
“Thanks to me he did. He thinks you’re not interested in his choir stuff.”
He disappears into Luca’s room and he’s in there for a while.
I’m trying to calm down, but I can’t. I don’t know why I’m so upset. Mia forgot to pick us up tons of times, and I never questioned her when she came home from a council meeting.
He walks out again and continues making his sandwich. Once upon a time, I would have done that for him.
“Why did Mummy take the job at the university?” I ask him.
“Because it was offered to her.”
“But for a while there, she wasn’t going to take it. At the beginning of last year. She was going to stay home. Why didn’t she?”
“I don’t remember, Frankie. Go to bed. You’re tired.”
“Whenever you suggest things, it’s always about putting away the problem but not fixing it.”
He turns and looks at me.
“I’m not going to have this discussion with you while you’re upset,” he says evenly, but I can tell that deep down he’s seething.
“We’re never going to have this discussion, are we?”
“Go to bed.”
“I can’t believe you’re going to pretend that everything’s okay!”
“I’m not going to say it again.”
“Luca and I are sick of pretending. We’re sick of no one telling us anything. What’s going on in his head is probably worse than the truth, but you don’t care.”
“I don’t care? About you and Luca?”
“You just care about us when everything’s okay, but when it’s not, you don’t even know who we are!”
I’m hysterical now, but I can’t help it and I don’t want to stop.
“Keep your voice down!”
“Or what? The neighbors will find out that you can’t fix everything?”
“What do you want from me?”
He shouts it and we’re both stunned. For a moment I feel as if it’s not me he’s shouting at.
Is it Mia? I can’t tell.
And I hate him and love him and curse him and feel sorry for him, all at the same time.
chapter 28
THE THEORIES ABOUT why Will hasn’t asked me out are getting wilder by the end of the week, but Siobhan’s suggestion is the most ridiculous.
“It’s not another woman,” she says.
I’m already shaking my head. “He’s not gay, Siobhan.”
“It’s God.”
We’re sitting on the bus and I hear Thomas groan behind us.
“Why couldn’t I have lived in the eastern suburbs?” he says.
“How is it that you can listen to that crap and us at the same time?” I turn to face him for a moment, and he puts the Discman on full blast.
“Please explain,” I say, turning back to Siobhan.
“It’s simple. Remember the video we watched about people joining the nunnery?”
“Convent.”
“Whatever. Remember one of them said she went around, her mind tortured for months while she was making the decision. She had to tell the guy she was dating as well as her parents, who desperately wanted grandchildren.” Siobhan looks at me. “He’s going to join the priesthood or the brotherhood.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” I say.
“Why?” she asks.
“I can’t imagine Will Trombal a bridegroom of Christ,” Thomas says, poking his head between the two of us.
“Why? He goes to a Catholic school. He’s been there since Year Five and he used to sing in the choir, so he’s spent a lot of time in church. He’s never embarrassed about doing anything religious, like reading at our paraliturgies, plus he’s split up with his girlfriend and still hasn’t tried to make a move on the other woman in his life,” Siobhan says matter-of-factly.
I look at Tara, because despite her rantings, she’s the voice of reason.
“Do you think it’s true?” I ask.
“No. But if it’s not, what’s his problem? I don’t think he knows what he wants.”
“Way to go, O sensitive one,” Thomas says to her.
Justine is looking at me with that empathetic face of hers.
“She’s got a point. When I realized you liked him, I watched him, just to see what you saw in him, while we were at church for the Feast of Edmund Rice, and I noticed that after he was given communion he did the sign of the cross.”
“A lot of people do.”
“But he did it,” she says, looking at all of us, nodding her head, “as if he meant it.”
The idea that God works in mysterious ways is rubbish. There’s nothing mysterious about his ways. They’re premeditated and slightly conniving, and they place you in an impossible situation. How can I pray to God not to let Will Trombal join the priesthood? God’s not going to do me any favors here. I’m in a lose-lose situation.
Thomas puts his arms around my neck. “You’ve still got me.”
“Don’t upset her any more than she already is,” Siobhan says.
I throw myself into drama. I’ve decided that when I grow up, I want to be an actor. There’s something so powerful about being elevated on that stage and looking out and not having to make any eye contact, and despite what Tara says, as female roles go, I don’t think it gets better than Lady Macbeth. Unfortunately, I’m not even close to being the star. The guys who play Macbeth and Macduff are fantastic and act me off the stage. But I reckon that Lady Macbeth gets the best lines, and I make the most of them.
“Find your range,” Ortley always says to me. “Don’t play her mad from the beginning because you’ll have nowhere to go.”
“Are we going to do a musical next year?” I ask him.
He looks insulted. “This is drama. The music department takes care of the musicals.”
“Isn’t it all the same thing?”
“Go away,” he
orders. “Rehearse the part where Lady Macbeth throws herself off the balcony.”
Thomas is cast as Banquo and is not impressed.
“He’s dead by the second act,” he argues. “I’m better than this.”
“He comes back as a ghost, though,” Ortley says placatingly.
“And he calls his son Fleance. Anyone who calls his son Fleance deserves to die.”
“Tom, I want you as Banquo,” Ortley says, sitting him down.
“Does he get a fight scene?”
“He certainly does.”
Thomas is still not convinced, and he’s less impressed with me than anyone else.
“Why do you get to say, ‘The raven himself is hoarse that croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan,’ and I get to say, ‘Fly, Fleance, fly’?” he asks, sulking.
I can’t believe he knows my lines by heart. “If you want to play Lady Macbeth, it’s yours,” I tell him as we walk out. At the end of the corridor I see Will speaking to Brother Edmund outside his office.
“Probably asking if he can borrow his wardrobe,” Thomas snickers.
I look at him, unamused.
Brother Edmund walks into his office just as we reach Will, so Thomas does the sign of the cross in exaggerated reverence and Will gives him the finger.
Somehow I doubt very much that Will is joining the brotherhood.
chapter 29
IT’S SCHOOL CAMP time. A sense of helplessness comes over me as my dad drops me off at school. I look at Luca in the rearview mirror and wonder how he’ll cope over the next few days. What about my dad? Who will he speak to or argue with? Who will make Mia’s chamomile tea just the way she likes it? I feel nauseous, and it’s not just because I’m thinking of the reflection sessions and trust games. I know I’ll spend my whole time there thinking of home, worrying about the family not coping with me gone. What about Mia? Just say she goes backward while I’m at camp. Not that she’s moving forward rapidly, but sometimes, lately, she’s been on the phone speaking to a friend or even listening to Luca read.
My dad is whistling cheerfully, putting on an act, I’m sure, and Luca is out of the car and running toward his friends playing marbles before I’ve even opened the door.
“I’ll call every day,” I tell my dad.
“Don’t be ridiculous. You’ll only be gone three days.”
He gives me a peck on the cheek. “Quickly, before this bus drives over us.”
Will and a band of merry prefects are in charge of this nightmare. They’re the only Year Twelves attending, and I think they’ve been given a pep talk on keeping enthusiasm high.
“If they get any more cheerful, you’ll see an upchuck on the Princes Highway,” Jimmy Hailler mutters.
Ms. Quinn comes along and taps him on the shoulder.
“Let’s check through your bags to see if you’ve packed neatly, James.”
He gently pushes on her shoulder, effeminately.
“Let’s.”
If Jimmy’s stashed away anything, I doubt they’ll find it.
Brother Louis, wearing jeans, stands alongside me.
“Love the denim,” I tell him. He looks pleased.
We get the lecture about no alcohol, no drugs, no cigarettes. “Zero tolerance,” they say. They warn us that they’ll send us home in a taxi and let our parents pay for the two-hour fare. Anyone found in a cabin with a member of the opposite sex will be suspended. They’ve been listening to the all-famous “What to threaten students with at school camps” tape, which must be circulated to all schools.
When we arrive at Gerringong, down the South Coast, we’re told to get into a group of eight and grab a cabin. The four of us stay huddled together. The girls standing closest to us we call the Hair Bear Bunch because of their fascination with their hair—it’s all they ever talk about. The Indie girls are on the other side of them. They’re the type of girls who would consider me a social outcast if they knew of the presence of a Britney Spears album in the Spinelli household. Rumor has it that Tara almost joined their group but they found out she had the Celine Dion single “My Heart Will Go On.” Tara reckons they protest for the sake of protest, and we agree that we couldn’t bear listening to Socially Aware FM for the next three days. Thankfully, Eva Rodriguez’s group grab us in our hour of need, and we bag cabin number one.
Camp is so outdated, it’s retro, and I doubt it’s changed much in thirty years. I can guarantee we’ll end up singing “Peace Train,” “Imagine,” and “Let It Be” before the night’s out. But I enjoy it because I need something to stop me from thinking about home.
Thomas and his friends have brought along their guitars, and they play their punk crap in the food hall. I can’t believe I know all the lyrics, thanks to sitting next to him on the bus every day.
Tara, Justine, and I stand watching them, their only audience.
“Someone should tell him that he can’t sing,” I say.
“Oh please. Let me,” Tara snickers.
“I can play that,” Justine muses.
“On the piano accordion?”
“What are you laughing at?” she asks me.
“You blow me away.”
Having boys around at camp is hard. You have to be on the alert. Boys, for example, like exposing themselves. They walk back from the shower blocks with their towels around them, and next minute either someone flashes at you, or one of his friends grabs his towel off him and makes a run for it. I have to say it’s a bit traumatic at times, not knowing when the next penis will appear.
The first night I have to help Ms. Quinn and Brother Louis serve dinner, and they are as relaxed as, laughing with each other and the helpers. I try to work out what I like about them. There are cooler teachers and even more stimulating ones, but I think it’s the fact that they actually like us.
“Are you married?” I ask Ms. Quinn.
“No. You?”
I laugh.
“If I can’t have Brother Louis,” she tells me, “I don’t want nobody, baby.”
I look at Brother Louis, who has two pink stains on his cheeks. It makes him look so cute.
“I’m in love with someone I can’t have as well,” I tell them boldly.
“He’s a fool,” Brother Louis says to me.
I’m pleased.
I get a bit of a crush.
It’s lights out at ten o’clock, which is when the action starts. The other girls in our cabin have a CD player, and someone puts on some music and Eva Rodriguez shows us how her brother hip-hops. “It’s like world peace is determined by how serious you are and how low you wear your pants,” she tells us.
It starts off ridiculous and goes downhill from there as we each take a turn. We dance in a way that’s only possible when there are no boys around. The rule is not to take yourself seriously, but whoever gets a solo has to keep as straight a face as possible and go for it.
Siobhan, Eva, and I try to outdo each other and everyone’s laughing uncontrollably, even Tara. We collapse on our beds, perspiring.
“God, you’re a show-off,” Siobhan tells me between pants, still laughing.
“Takes one to know one,” I say back.
Later, we lie on our bunks, talking in the dark. About anything. We go around the room, nominating teachers we love; teachers we hate; Year Eleven boys we’d date; Year Eleven boys we hate. Guys or girls we suspect are gay. We have a massive debate about which Buffy season was the best and an Angel versus Riley versus Spike dispute, and we end up nominating our most romantic moments in a film.
“The Last of the Mohicans,” I say. “Daniel Day-Lewis, Madeleine Stowe. ‘Stay alive. I will find you.’ ”
“Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed,” Justine says, “waiting for the guy out on the baseball field and she doesn’t think he’ll show and that Beach Boys song comes on and he’s running down the stairs and everyone’s cheering.”
“. . . and Justine’s crying,” Siobhan says.
“Every single time. I’ve got it on DVD.”
/> “Han Solo and Princess Leia pretending to hate each other in The Empire Strikes Back.”
“Boring,” one of the girls boos.
“Don’t ever insult the Star Wars films,” Tara warns mockingly.
“In The Godfather Michael Corleone sees this girl in Sicily who ends up being blown up by the Mafia, and the look on his face is priceless,” Siobhan tells us.
“When she’s getting blown up or when he first sees her?”
“Buttercup and the Farm Boy in The Princess Bride,” Anna Nguyen suggests. “‘As you wish.’ ”
“Jason Biggs and the apple pie.”
We groan.
“No, I’ve got the best,” Eva Rodriguez says. “Jerry Maguire. ‘You had me at hello. You had me at hello.’ ”
That one gets applause, and it trails off until the last two voices are dreamy blurs.
I think I’m a bit in love with these girls. They make me feel giddy. Like I haven’t a care in the world. Like I’m fearless.
Like I used to be.
Don’t get me wrong. The camp does hit a few low points. We have to make a human pyramid displaying the foundations of the Catholic Church, and the most frightening aspect, according to Brother Louis, is that Thomas Mackee is holding up the pyramid, which makes the whole future of the church incredibly shaky.
But I get to know people I have never spoken to. Some tell me that they thought I was weird until now, or that it’s the first time they’ve seen me smile, and for a moment I feel like the most popular girl around. And then they ask me if I could introduce them to Siobhan or Eva.
After dinner on the second night, we hang out in our cabins listening to music until we hear a scream from outside.
“Probably another penis sighting,” I tell Justine as we walk out to investigate.
Will and the prefects are standing in front of a cabin, two doors down. The girls from that cabin are crying hysterically, and the prefects look harassed.
Obviously a hair-grooming session has taken place, as the girls are all braids and beads. Ryan Burke comes up behind Tara and me and puts an arm around our shoulders.