IV
OLD MONTE, OFFICIAL DRUNKARD
"Shore; Monte's the offishul drunkard of Arizona." The old cattlemanwas answering my question. "Or, seein' that mebby Wolfville'sjoorisdiction won't be held none to reach beyond, let's say theoffishul drunkard of Cochise County. That's Monte's civic designation;offishul drunkard, an' meant to fix his social place.
"Does he resent it?
"Which he proudly w'ars that title like it's a kingly crown! It's asgood as even money that to ondertake to sep'rate him from it, or denythe same, is the one single thing he bristles up at an' give you abattle over.
"Which this yere last should mean a heap, since Monte's plumb pacificby nacher, an' abhors war to the mean confines of bein' timid. To beshore, he'll steam at the nose, an' paw the sod, an' act like he's outto spread rooin far an' wide--that he's doo to leave everything infront of him on both sides of the road. But in them perfervidman'festations he don't reely intend nothin' either high or heenious,or more'n jest to give his se'f-respect an outing that a-way. Let theopp'sition call him down, an' the crafty old cimmaron'll go to thediskyard instanter.
"Which at that, Monte ain't without his interestin' side. When onderthe inflooence of nosepaint, which last is constant, he has threedistinct moods. About the fo'th drink, let a stranger show up,an'--all aff'ble an' garyoolous--Monte's right thar to do the honors.When the stranger, gettin' weary, kicks Monte off him, the same bein'shore to happen final since no one formed in the image of his Makercan put up with them verbal imbecil'ties of his beyond a given len'thof time, he'll arch his back an'--apparently--wax that f'rocious awronged grizzly to him is as meek as milk. An' yet, as I tells you,it's simply a blazer; an' the moment the exasperated stranger beginsbetrayin' symptoms of goin' to a showdown, Monte lapses into his thirdmood of haughty silence, an' struts off like it's beneath him to bandywords.
"That's the savin' clause in Monte's constitootion; he may get drunk,but he never gets injoodicious. Thar's a sport from some'ers over'round Shakespear in the dance hall one evenin', whose patience hasbeen plenty treespassed on by Monte. By way of bringin' matters to adeecisive head, this yere Shakespear party tells Monte he's a liar. Doyou reckon Monte hooks up with him? Not a chance! He simply casts onthat maligner from Shakespear a look of disparagement, an' with noseheld high, as markin' his contempt, moves away with the remark.
"'That's something I refooses to discuss with you.'
"Which thar's no more real p'isin in Monte than in a hired girl.
"We has the chance once to try some experiments on Monte, an' it's themistake of our lives we don't. Peets, whose regrets is scientific,feels speshully acoote. Thar's a partic'lar bar'l of nosepaint getstrundled into camp, which is nothin' short of bein' the condensedessence of hostility. Black Jack, after years as barkeep, says himse'fhe never sees nothin' like it. On the hocks of two drinks, folks getsthat ornery Enright has it freighted back to Tucson in alarm, fearin'for the peace of the camp. At the time, none of us thinks of it; butlater it's a subject of gen'ral regret that some of it ain't saved totry on Monte. Mebby that speshul brand of licker turns out to be themissin' ingreedient, an' keys him up to deeds of heroism.
"Jest to show you some of the milder workin's of that licker. Boggsfiles away four inches of it onder his belt, an' next, when he'swalkin' by the corral an' meets a Mexican, he reaches out in acasyooal an' abstracted way, collars that Greaser an' hefts him over asix-foot 'dobe fence, same as if he's a bag of bran; an' all aproposof nothin'. Boggs says himse'f he don't know why none. He's thinkin'of something else at the time, he declar's, an' the eepisode don'tleave no partic'lar traces on his mem'ry. The trooth is, it's thatveehement an' onmuzzled nosepaint, incitin' him to voylence.
"Is the Mexican hurt?
"Which, if I remembers rightly, Peets does mention about a bustedcollarbone. But it don't create no interest--him bein' a Mexican. Yousee, thar's a feelin', amountin' fa'rly to a onwritten law, thatMexicans ain't got no rightful call to be seen in public no how; an'when one does go pirootin' round permiscus, in voylation of this yeretenet, nacherally he takes his chances. You-all can gamble, though,that Boggs shore never would have reached for him, only he'sactchooated by that whiskey.
"As modest an' retirin' a sperit as Cherokee, to whom any form ofboastful bluff is plumb reepellant, subscribes to a mod'rate snifterof that licker; an' in less time than it takes to rope a pony, he'sout in front of the Red Light, onbucklin' in a display of pistolshootin'. Thar's a brace of towerists in camp, an' Cherokee let's onhe'll show 'em. Which he shore shows 'em! He tosses two tomatter canson high, an' with a gun in each hand keeps 'em dancin' an' jumpin'about in the atmosphere ontil thar's six bullets through each. It's aheap satisfyin' as a performance, as far as them pop-eyed towerists isconcerned, an' both leaves town that evenin' by speshul buckboard.
"Onaffected by that licker, Cherokee wouldn't have no more gone an'made sech a spectacle of himse'f, though urged tharunto by theyoonanimous voice of the outfit. When he so far recovers as to'ppreeciate what Faro Nell has to say of them exploits--an', whiletender, she's plenty explicit--he comes mighty clost to blushin'himse'f to death.
"It's after we notes what it does to Cherokee, an' hears of themexhibitions of broote force by Boggs, that we gets timid about thisyere whisky, an' Enright orders the bar'l sent back. An' right he is!S'ppose them Red Dogs was to have come prancin' over for a socialcall, an' s'ppose in entertainin' 'em we all inadvertent has recourseto that partic'lar licker, whatever do you-all reckon 'd have been thefinish? Son, thar'd have been one of them things they calls acatyclism, an' nothin' short.
"It's shore a fightin' form of licker. Tutt reeserves out a tin cup ofit, an' sets it down by a prairie dog's hole. Accordin' to Tutt, thedog comes out, laps it once, an' starts back same as if he's been shotwith a '45. Thar he squats, battin' his eyes, wrinklin' up his nose,an' cogitatin'. After thinkin' the thing over, the dog approaches,mighty gingerly, an' takes three or four more laps. Then he r'arsback, an' considers for quite a spell. It looks final like he gets hismind made up, an' with that he capers over, an' he'ps himse'f to whatfor a prairie dog is shore a big drink.
"Two minutes later, ha'r bristlin', whiskers standin' out like wire,eyes full of determination, that dog crosses over to another dog who'slivin' neighbor to him, an' says--accordin' to Tutt:
"'Wharever can I locate that coyote who's been domineerin' round yerefor mebby it's a month, harassin' folks into their holes? Whar's thatcoyote at?'
"Peets allers allows Tutt exaggerates, but havin' sampled that lickersome myse'f, I'm a long ride from bein' so shore.
"That lack of war instinct in Monte ain't no speecific drawback. Himdrivin' stage that a-way, he ain't expected none to fight. Thehold-ups onderstands it, the company onderstands it, everybodyonderstands it. It's the law of the trail. That's why, when the stageis stopped, the driver's never downed. Which if thar's money aboard,an' the express outfit wants it defended, they slams on some sport toride shotgun that trip. It's for this shotgun speshulist to give theroute agents an argyooment. Which they're licensed to go bombardin'each other ontil the goin' down of the sun. As for the driver,however, the etikette simply calls for him to set his brake, an' allpeaceful hold his hands above his head. It's inside his rights, too,accordin' to the rooles, for him to cuss out the hold-ups, an' call'em all the hard names of which he's cap'ble; an' stage drivers, wholoves their art, spends their time between drinks practisin' new cusswords, an' inventin' onheard of epithets, so as to be ready when dootyan' o'casion calls. Havin' downed or driven off the shotgun sport, an'seen the bottom of the express box, the hold-ups tells the stagedriver to pull his freight. Wharupon he picks up the reins, kicks freethe brake, lets fly a loorid an' final broadside of vitooperation--hehavin' carefully reeserved the same, by way of peroration--an' goeshis windin' way.
"Wolfville's been on the map for most a year, when Monte first showsup. In the beginnin', an' ontil we-all gets adjusted to him, he'ssomething of a bore. Leastwise, he ain't what you'd go
so far as tocall a boon companion. When it dawns on us that he's plottin' to makehimse'f a permanency, it certainly does look for a spell that, whatwith his consumption of nosepaint an' what with his turrific geniusfor snorin', he's goin' to be a trifle more'n we can stand.
"Does Monte snore?
"Not to create ondoo excitement, the bar'foot onclothed trooth is thathis snorin' falls nothin' short of bein' sinful. Boggs has plenty ofcountenance when he brings them snores to the attention of Enright.
"'Thar's shore a limit somewhar, Sam,' Boggs says, 'to this yeredrunkard's right to snore. Which he's simply keepin' everybody over tothe O. K. House settin' up. Onless something's done to check him,thar'll be a epidemic of St. Vitus dance. You ask Doc Peets; he'lltell you that this yere Monte with his snorin' is a scourge.'
"It's not alone their volume, but their quality, which makes themsnores of Monte so ondesir'ble. Some folks snores a heap deprecatory,an' like they're apol'gizin' for it as they goes along. Others snoresin a manner ca'mly confident, an' all as though the idee that any gentobjects would astonish 'em to death. Still others snores plumbdeefiant, an' like they ain't snorin' so much for comfort, thata-way, as to show their contempt for mankind. It's to this yere latterhostile school that drunkard, Monte, belongs.
"After Boggs lodges complaint, Enright takes a corrective peek intothe sityooation. Thar's two rooms over the O. K. kitchen, sort o' offby themselves. Upon Enright's hint, Missis Rucker beds down Monte inone, an' Deef Andy, who mends harness for the stage company an' can'thear nothin', in the other.
"'It's for the safety of your excellent car'vansary, Ma'am,' Enrightexplains. 'Which Dan's mighty easy moved; an' some mornin', onless youadopts them improvements, that somnolent sot you're harborin' 'll gotoo far with Dan. I takes it you-all don't want the shack all smokedup with Dan's six-shooter? In which event you'll put that reverberantdrunkard in the far-corner room, with Andy next.'
"Peets once mentions a long-ago poet party, named Johnson, who,speakin' of a fellow poet after he's dead an' down onder thegrass-roots, lets on that he teches nothin' he don't adorn. You cango your ultimate simoleon that ain't Monte's style. The only things hedon't upset is bottles; the only flooid he never spills is licker.This yere last would be ag'inst his religion. Wharever he goes, he'sotherwise draggin' his rope, an' half the time he's steppin' on it.
"It's him that coaxes that onhappy Polish picture painter our way.This yere is long after he's drivin' stage, an' as Wolfville'soffishul drunkard becomes a tol'rated feachure of the camp. ThisPolish artist person is as much out o' place in Arizona as a farolay-out at a Sunday school picnic. Monte crosses up with him over atTucson in the Oriental S'loon, an' while thar's no ties between 'em,more'n what nacherally forms between two gents who sets drinkin'together all night long, before ever they're through with each otherthat inspired inebriate lands the locoed artist party on our hands.Enright shore does go the limit in rebookin' Monte.
"'Why, Sam,' says Monte, an' he's that depreecatory he whines, 'Iallows you'll look on him as a acquisition.'
"'All the same,' returns Enright, an' I never knows him moreforbiddin', 'yereafter please confine your annoyin' assidooities todrivin' stage, an' don't go tryin' to improve the outlook of thiscamp.'
"Monte, with this, gets that dismal he sheds tears. 'Which it shorelooks like I can't do nothin' right,' he sobs.
"'Then don't,' says Enright.
"From the start, Monte graves himse'f upon the mem'ry of folk as thefirst sport, to onroll his blankets in Cochise County, who consoomesnormal over twenty drinks a day. Upon festal occasions like NooYear's, an' Christmas, an' Fo'th of Jooly, an' Thanksgivin', no gentwho calls himse'f a gent thinks of keepin' tabs on a fellow gent, nomatter how freequent he signs up to Black Jack. On gala o'casions,sech as them noted, the bridle is plumb off the hoss, an' even thoughyou drinks to your capac'ty an' some beyond, no one's that vulgar asto go makin' remarks. But that ain't Monte; he's different a heap. Itlooks like every day is Fo'th of Jooly with him, he's that inveteratein his reemorseless hankerin' for nosepaint.
"Also, regyarded as to his social side, Monte, as I states former, isa nooisance. Knowin' folks, too, is his fad. Only so you give himlicker enough, he'll go surgin' round accostin' every gent he sees. Nomatter how austere a stranger is, Monte'll tackle him. An' at that henever says nothin' worth hearin', an' in its total absence ofdirection his conversation resembles nothin' so much as a dog chasin'its tail.
"An' then thar's them footile bluffs he's allers tryin' to run. He'sbeen pesterin' in an' out of the Red Light one evenin' ontil he's gotBlack Jack incensed. As he comes squanderin' along, for say thetwentieth time, Black Jack groans, an' murmurs,
"'Yere's that booze-soaked old hoss-thief ag'in!'
"Monte gets the echo of it, same as folks allers does when it ain'twanted, but he's onable to say who. So he stands thar by the bar,glarin' 'round an' snortin'. Final, he roars:
"'Who cuts loose that personal'ty?'
"Thar ain't no answer, an' Monte ag'in takes to pitchin' on his rope.
"'Show me the galoot who insults me,' he roars; 'let him no longerdog it, but p'int himse'f out as the gent.'
"'All right,' says Black Jack, whose indignation gets the best of hisreespons'bilities as barkeep, 'which I'm the party who alloodes to youas a booze-soaked old hoss-thief.'
"'An' so you're the gent,' says Monte, castin' a witherin' glance atBlack Jack; 'so you're the would-be sooicide who calls me abooze-soaked old hoss-thief?'
"'Which I'm the identical stingin' lizard. Now what is it you're soplumb eager to say?'
"'What am I eager to say? I merely wants to remark that you ain't donenothin' to swell up over. You-all needn't go thinkin' you're the firstbarkeep who calls me a booze-soaked old hoss-thief.'
"Havin' la'nched this yere, Monte turns off as stiffly pompous asthough he ain't left a grease-spot of Black Jack.
"When folks won't listen to him no longer, Monte goes bulgin' forthinto the highways an' the byways, an' holds long an' importantdiscussions with signs, an' dry-goods boxes, an' sim'lar inan'mateelements of the landscape. Also, to mules an' burros. I remarks himmyse'f, whisperin' in the onregyardful y'ear of a burro, an' saidanamile as sound asleep as a tree. When that drunkard's through hisconfidences, he backs off, an' wavin' his paw plumb myster'ous at theburro says:
"'Remember, now; I'm givin' you this yere p'inter as a friend.'
"That time Black Jack offends Monte, after the latter hits thesidewalk followin' what he clar'ly considers is his crushin' come-backon Black Jack, he gets the feelin' that Jack's ha'ntin' along on histrail. Before he's gone fifty foot, he w'irls about, an' shouts:
"'Don't you-all follow me! Which, if you crowds me, them places thathas knowed you won't know you no more forever.'
"When Monte gets off this menace, it seems like the Black Jack specterbecomes intim'dated, an' tries to squar' itse'f.
"'What's that?' Monte asks, after listenin' mighty dignified to thespook's excuses; 'you begs my pardon? Not another word. If you-allkeeps on talkin' now you'll sp'ile it. Thar's my hand,' givin' thefingers of the phantom a mighty earnest squeeze. 'I'm your friend, an'that goes.'
"Havin' established a peace, Monte insists that the Black Jack phantomb'ar him company to the O. K. Restauraw. In spite of all Missis Ruckercan say or do, he plants the spook at the table, feeds it on the bestthat's in the kitchen, an' all as confident as if it's shorely troo.Also, he insists on payin' for two.
"When Missis Rucker tries to show him he's down wrong, he refooses tohave it that way.
"'Do you-all reckon, Ma'am, that I can't trust my eyes none?' hedemands. 'Which you'll tell me next that them airtights I tops of withis figments.'
"'But thar's only one of you-all,' Missis Rucker persists.
"'Ma'am,' returns Monte, his manner plumb s'picious, 'I don't jestquite sense your little game. Whatever it is, however, you-all can'tplay it on old Monte. You write back to my fam'ly an' the neighbors,an' the least flatterin' among 'em'll tel
l you that I'm as cunnin' asa squinch owl. Thar's two of us who feeds, an' for two of us Isettles. Bein' a woman, you're too feeble-witted for reason, toomendacious for trooth.'
"'Don't you go callin' me no woman,' says Missis Rucker, her eyessnappin', 'onless you're ready to cash in.'
"'Women!' repeats Monte, sort o' addressin' the scenery, but stillplenty cynical, 'what be they except a fleetin' show to man'sdeloosion given. Also, thar's nothin' to 'em. You opens their frontdoor, an' you're in their back yard.'
"Texas has been givin' y'ear to the talk. It's before his Laredo wifestarts ropin' for that divorce; but she's already makin' war medicine,an' the signs an' signal smokes which p'int to an uprisin' is vis'bleon every hill. Texas is careful not to let Missis Rucker hear himnone, but as he walks away, he mutters:
"'That ghost-seein' sport's got the treemors, but all the same Istrings with him on them estimates of ladies.'
"Texas is that fav'rably affected about Monte, he talks things overwith Tutt, who himse'f ain't married to Tucson Jennie none as yet.Them nuptials, an' that onbiased blessin', little Enright Peets Tutt,who results tharfrom, comes along later.
"'Which thar's good in that Monte maverick,' says Texas; 'only so wecould get the nosepaint out of him.'
"'Now, I wouldn't wonder none, neither,' says Tutt.
"'He drinkt up two quarts an' a half yesterday,' says Texas.
"'Ain't thar no steps which can be took?' Tutt asks. 'Two quarts an' ahalf, though, shore sounds like he's somethin' of a prop'sition.'
"These yere remarks is made in the Red Light, an' Tutt an' Texasappeals to Cherokee, whar that courtier of fortune is settin' inbehind his lay-out. Cherokee waves 'em off, p'lite but firm.
"'Don't ask me none,' he says. 'You-all knows my doctrines. Let everygent kill his own snakes.'
"'That's my theology,' remarks Boggs, who has just come ramblin' infrom the Noo York store, whar he's been changin' in a bundle of moneyfor shirts; 'I recalls how, when I'm a prattlin' yearlin', hearin'Parson Ed'ards of the Cambellite Church quotin' whar Cain gives it outcold that he's not his brother's keeper; an' even at that onthinkin'age I fully endorses Cain's p'sition.'
"The talk takes in Black Jack, who, by virchoo of him bein' a barkeep,nacherally savvys a heap about the licker question. Jack reelates howa sot he knows back in Arkansaw is shocked into never takin' a drink,by simply blowin' his hand off accidental while tanked up.
"'Whang! goes the old Betsy,' says Jack, 'an' that slave to licker'sshy his left hand. "Which it lets me out!" he exclaims; an' datin'from said catastrophy he'd no more tech nosepaint, that a-way, thanhe'd join the church.'
"'But it's doubtful,' observes Tutt, 'if Enright stands to let usshoot this yere Monte drunkard's hand off.'
"'It's ten to one he won't,' says Texas; 'still thar ought to be otherschemes for shockin' a party into moral'ty, which stops short o'cripplin' him for life.'
"'But is this yere inebriate worth the worry?' asks Boggs. 'Also, itshore strikes me as mighty gratooitous for us to go reorganizin' themorals of a plumb stranger, an' him not even asked.'
"'Which he's worth the worry all right,' Texas replies. 'Thar's noefforts too great, when thar's a chance to save a party who has thesame thorough onderstandin' of ladies which this gent has.'
"Up over the Red Light bar is a stuffed bobcat, the same bein' held asdecorative. Only the day before Texas and Tutt stands talkin', acouple of Enright's riders comes packin' a live bobcat into town,which between 'em they ropes up over in the foothills of the TresHermanas, an' jams labor'ously into a pa'r of laiggin's. The same ideeseizes on Texas an' Tutt yoonanimous. They sees that it only calls forthe intelligent use of that Bar-8 bobcat, which them cow-punchers ofEnright's ties down, to reegen'rate Monte, an' make him white assnow.
A COUPLE OF ENRIGHT'S RIDERS COMES A PACKIN' A LIVE BOBCATINTO TOWN. p. 118.]
"Monte's ain't present none, bein' over to the O. K. House. By bein'plumb painstakin', Tutt an' Texas gets a collar onto the captive Bar-8bobcat, an' chains him up over the Red Light bar, in place of thestuffed bobcat, deeposed. The Bar-8 bobcat jumps off once or twictbefore he learns, an' comes mighty clost to lynchin' himse'f. ButBlack Jack is patient, an' each time pokes him back with a cha'r.After mebby the third jump, it gets proned into the bobcat that thar'snothin' in it for him to go hurlin' himse'f into space that a-way, an'bein' saved from death by hangin' only through the cha'r-laigmeditations of Black Jack. Acceptin' this yere view, he stands pat onhis shelf. Likewise, he shore looks mighty vivid up thar, an' has gotthat former stuffed predecessor of his beat four ways from the jack.
"We're hankerin' around, now the Bar-8 bobcat's organized, waitin' forMonte to come amblin' up, an' be reformed.
"'An' you can gamble,' Tutt says, 'that the shock it'll throw intohim'll have a ben'ficial effect. Shootin' off a hand or so ain't in itwith the way that drunkard's goin' to feel.'
"'That's the way I figgers,' Texas remarks. 'One glance at thatbobcat, him on the verge of the treemors, an' thar'll a thrill gothrough his rum-soaked frame like the grace of heaven through a campmeetin'. For one, I antic'pate most excellent effects. Whatever do youthink, Doc?'
"'Whatever do I think?' Peets repeats. 'Which I thinks that, as theorig'nators of this yere cure for the licker habit, it'll be up to youan' Dave to convey the patient to his room at the O. K. House, as soonas ever you can control his struggles.'
"Monte at last heaves in sight, an' comes shiverin' up to the bar,every nerve as tight as a fiddle string. Black Jack shoves him thebottle.
"'What stuffed anamile sharp,' says Tutt, craftily directin' himselfat Black Jack, 'mounts that bobcat up thar?'
"Monte nacherally raises his eyes. Thar's that Bar-8 feline,half-crouched, glarin' down on him with green eyes, big as moons.
"That settles it.
"Monte gives a yell which they hears in Red Dog. Wharupon the bobcat,takin' it for a threatenin' deemonstration, onfolds in an answerin'yell, an' makes a scramblin' jump at Monte's head. Shore, he don'tland none, bein' brought up short, like a roped pony. Thar he swings,cussin' an' spittin' an' clawin', as mad as a drunken squaw, an'begins all over to hang himse'f afresh.
"Monte?
"That victim of appetite falls to the floor as dead an' flat as a wetDecember leaf.
"Actin' on them instructions, Tutt an' Texas picks Monte up an' packshim across to Peets, who, after fussin' over him for mebby an hour,brings him round s'fficient so he goes from one convulsion intoanother, in what you-all might deescribe as an endless chain of fits.Thar's nothin' to it; Peets is indoobitable the best equipped drugsharp that ever breaks loose in Arizona. At that, while Monte lives,he don't but jest. He's shore close enough at one time to kingdom cometo hear the singin'.
"For two weeks Monte's boilin' an' boundin' round in his blankets,Texas an' Tutt, feelin' a heap reemorseful, standin' watch and watch.It's decided that no more attempts to reform him will be made, himbein'--accordin' to Peets--too far gone that a-way.
"'He's plumb onreform'ble,' explains Peets; 'whiskey's got to be somuch a second nacher with him, that the only way you-all could curehim now is kill him.'
"By way of partial rep'ration for what he suffers, as soon as Montecan ag'in move about, Enright calls a meetin' of the camp, an'dooly commissions him 'Offishul Drunkard,' with a absoloote an'non-reevok'ble license to go as far as he likes.
"'This yere post of offishul drunkard,' Enright explains to themeetin', 'carries with it no money, no power, an' means only that he'sfree to drink from dark to daylight an' to dark ag'in, oncriticized,onreproved, an' onsaved. Colonel Sterett imparts to us in the last_Daily Coyote_ how them Hindoos has their sacred cobras. Cobras notbein' feas'ble none in Arizona, Wolfville in loo of sech accepts oldMonte. Yereafter, w'arin' the title of offishul drunkard, he takes hisplace in the public regyard as Wolfville's sacred cobra.'
"When Monte learns of his elevation, his eyes fills up with gratifiedpride, an' as soon as ever he's able to stand the w'ar an' t'ar, hegoes on a pr
otracted public drunk, by way of cel'bration, while welooks tol'rantly on.
"'Gents,' he says, 'I thanks you. Yereafter the gnawin' tooth ofconscience will be dulled, havin' your distinguished endorsement so todo. Virchoo is all right in its place. But so is vice. The worldcan't all be good an' safe at one an' the same time. Which if we alldone right, an' went to the right, we'd tip the world over. Half hasgot to do wrong an' go to the left, to hold things steady. That's me;I was foaled to do wrong an' go to the left. It's the only way inwhich a jealous but inscroot'ble Providence permits me to serve myhour. Offishul drunkard! Ag'in I thanks you. Which this yere's the wayI long have sought, an' mourned because I found it not, long meter.'
"Boggs is the only gent who takes a gloomy view.
"'That's fine for this yere egreegious Monte,' says Boggs, talkin' toEnright; 'as Wolfville's pet drunkard an' offishul cobra, he's mightypleasantly provided for. But how about the camp? Whar does Wolfvillecome in? We're a strong people; but does any gent pretend that wepossesses the fortitoode reequired to b'ar up through all the comin'rum-soaked years?--an' all onder the weight of this yere onmatchedinebriate, whom by our own act an' as offishul drunkard, we onmuzzlesin our shrinkin' midst? Gents, this thing can't last.'
"'Not necessar'ly, Dan,' retorts Enright, his manner trenchin' on thecold; 'not necessar'ly. Let me expound the sityooation. I need notremind you-all that Sand Creek Riley, who drives the Tucson stage,gets bumped off the other evenin', while preeposterously insistin'that aces-up beats three-of-a-kind. Realizin' the trooth of half whatyou has said, Dan, I this evenin' enters into strategic reelationswith the stage company's agent; an' as a reesult, an' datin' from nowon, old Monte will be hired to fill the place of Sand Creek Riley,whom we all regrets. It's hardly reequired that I p'int out thebenefits of this yere arrangement. As stage driver, old Monte forevery other night will get sawed off on Tucson. An' I misjedges thevitality of this camp if, with the pressure on it thus relieved, an'Tucson carryin' half the load, it's onable to live through. In myopinion, Dan, by the light of this explanation, you at least oughterhope for the best.'
"'That's whatever!' says Boggs, who's plumb convinced; 'if I'd waitedontil you was heard, Sam, I'd never voiced them apprehensions. But thefact is, this yere Monte cobra of ours, with his bibbin's an' hisguzzlin's, has redooced me to a condition of nervous prostration. It'sall right now. Which I will say, however, that I can't reeflect nonewithout a shudder on what them Tucson folks'll say an' think, so soonas ever they wakes up to what's been played on 'em.'"