VIII
THAT TURNER PERSON
"Talk of your hooman storm-centers an' nacheral born hubs of grief,"observed the old cattleman, reminiscently; "I'm yere to back thatTurner person ag'inst all competitors. Not but what once we're ontohis angles, he sort o' oozes into our regyards. His baptismal name is'Lafe,' but he never does deerive no ben'fit tharfrom among us, himbehavin' that eegregious from the jump, he's allers referred to as'that Turner person.'
"As evincin' how swift flows the turbid currents of his destinies, hesucceeds in focusin' the gen'ral gaze upon him before he's been incamp a day. Likewise, it's jest as well Missis Rucker herse'f ain'tpresent none in person at the time, or mighty likely he'd have focusedall the crockery on the table upon him, which you can bet your last_peso_ wouldn't have proved no desid'ratum. For while Missis Ruckerain't what I calls onusual peevish, for a lady to set thar quiet an'be p'inted to by some onlicensed boarder as a Borgia, that away, wouldbe more'n female flesh an' blood can b'ar.
"It's like this. The Turner person comes pushin' his way into the O.K. Restauraw along with the balance of the common herd, an' pulls acha'r up ag'inst the viands with all the confidence of a oldestinhab'tant. After grinnin' up an' down the table as affable as a wetdog, he ropes onto a can of airtights, the same bein' peaches. Hehe'ps himse'f plenty copious an' starts to mowin' 'em away.
"None of us is noticin' partic'lar, bein' engaged on our own hookreachin' for things, when of a sudden he cuts loose a screech whichwould have knocked a bobcat speechless.
"'I'm p'isened!' he yells; 'I'm as good as dead right now!'
"Followin' this yere fulm'nation, he takes to dancin' stiff-laiged,meanwhile clutchin' hold of the buckle on his belt.
"Thar should be no dissentin' voice when I states that, at a crisiswhen some locoed maverick stampedes a entire dinin' room by allowin'he's been p'isened, prompt action should be took. Wharfore it excitesno s'rprise when Jack Moore, to whom as kettle-tender for theStranglers all cases of voylance is _ex officio_ put up, capchers theghost-dancin' Turner person by the collar.
"'Whatever's the meanin' of this midprandial excitement?' demandsJack. 'Which if these is your manners in a dinin' room, I'd shoreadmire to see you once in church.'
"'I'm p'isened!' howls the Turner person, p'intin' at the airtights.'It's ptomaines! I'm a gone fawnskin! Ptomaines is a center shot!'
"None of us holds Rucker overhigh, an' yet we jestifies that husband'saction. Rucker's headin' in from the kitchen, bearin' aloft a platterof ham an' cabbage. He arrives in time to gather in the Turnerperson's bluff about 'ptomaines,' an' onderstands he's claimin' to bep'isened. Shore, Rucker don't know what ptomaines is, but what then?No more does the rest of us, onless it's Peets, an' he's over toTucson. As I freequently remarks, the Doc is the best eddicated sharpin Arizona, an' even 'ptomaines' ain't got nothin' on him.
"Rucker plants the platter of ham an' cabbage on the table, an'appeals 'round to us.
"'Gents,' he says, 'am I to stand mootely by an' see this tavern, thebest j'int ondoubted in Arizona, insulted?' An' with that he's down onthe Turner person like a fallin' tree, whar that crazy-hossindividyooal stands jumpin' an' dancin' in the hands of Moore.
"'What's these yere slanders,' shouts Rucker, 'you-all is levelin' atmy wife's hotel? Yere we be, feedin' you on the fat of the land; an'the form your gratitoode takes is to go givin' it out broadcast you'rep'isened! You pull your freight,' he concloodes, as he wrastles thedancin' Turner person to the door, 'an' if you-all ever shows yourvillifyin' nose inside this hostelry ag'in I'll fill you full ofbuckshot.'
"To be shore, that crack about buckshot ain't nothin' more'n vainhyperbole, Rucker not possessin' the spunk of bull-snakes. The Turnerperson, however, lets him get away with it, an' submits tamely to bebuffaloed, which of itse'f shows he ain't got the heart of a hornedtoad. The eepisode does Rucker a heap of good, though, an' he puffs upimmoderate. Given any party he can buffalo, an' the way thatweak-minded married man expands his chest, an' takes to struttin', isa caution to cock partridges. An' all the time, a jack-rabbit, ofordinary resolootion an' force of character, would make Rucker take toa tree or go into a hole.
"Is the Turner person p'isened?
"No more'n I be. Which it's simple that alarmist's heated imagination,aggravated by what deloosions is born of the nosepaint he gets inRed Dog before ever he makes his Wolfville deboo at all. Two hookersof Old Jordan from Black Jack renders him so plumb well he'sreedic'lous.
"Most likely you-all'd go thinkin' now that, havin' let sech ahooman failure as Rucker put it all over him, this Turner person'd liedormant a spell, an' give his se'f-respect a chance to ketch itsbreath. Not him. It's no longer away than second drink time the sameevenin' when he locks gratooitous horns with Black Jack. To this lastembroglio thar is--an' could be--no deefense, Jack bein' so amiablethat havin' trouble with him is like goin' to the floor with yourown image in the glass. Which he's shorely a long sufferin'barkeep, Jack is. Mebby it's his genius for forbearance, that a-way,which loores this Turner person into attemptin' them outrages on hissens'bilities.
"The Turner person stands at the bar, sloppin' out the legit'mateforty drops. With nothin' said or done to stir him up, he cocks hiseye at Jack--for all the world like a crow peerin into a bottle--an'says,
"'Which your feachers is displeasin' to me, an' I don't like yourlooks.'
"Jack keeps on swabbin' off the bar for a spell, an' all as mild asthe month of May.
"'Is that remark to be took sarkastic?' he asks at last, 'or shall wecall it nothin' more'n a brainless effort to be funny?'
"'None whatever!' retorts the Turner person; 'that observation's madein a serious mood. Your countenance is ondoubted the facial failure ofthe age, an' I requests that you turn it the other way while Idrinks.'
"Not bein' otherwise engaged at the moment, an' havin' time at hiscommand, Jack repairs from behind the bar, an' seizes the Turnerperson by the y'ear.
"'An' this is the boasted hospital'ty of the West!' howls the Turnerperson, strugglin' to free himself from Jack, who's slowly butvoloominously bootin' him towards the street.
"It's Nell who tries to save him.
"'Yere, you Jack!' she sings out, 'don't you-all go hurtin' that poretenderfoot none.'
"Nell's a shade too late, however; Jack's already booted him out.
"Shore, Jack apologizes.
"'Beg parding, Nellie,' he says; 'your least command beats four of akind with me; but as to that ejected shorthorn, I has him all thrownout before ever you gets your stack down.'
"The Turner person picks himse'f out of the dust, an', while he feelshis frame for dislocations with one hand, feebly menaces at Black Jackwith t'other.
"'Some day, you rum-sellin' miscreent,' he says, 'you'll go too farwith me.'
"As showin' how little these vicisitoodes preys on this Turner person,it ain't ten minutes till he's hit the middle of Wolfville's principalcauseway, roarin' at the top of his lungs,
"'Cl'ar the path! I'm the grey wolf of the mountings, an' gen'raldesolation follows whar I leads!'
"Yere he gives a prolonged howl.
"The hardest citizen that ever belted on a gun couldn't kick up nosech row as that in Wolfville, an' last as long as a drink of whiskey.In half the swish of a coyote's tail, Jack Moore's got the Turnerperson corralled.
"'This camp has put up with a heap from you,' says Moore, 'an' now wetries what rest an' reeflection will do.'
"'I'm a wolf--!'
"'We savvys all about you bein' a wolf. Also, I'm goin' to tie you tothe windmill, as likely to exert a tamin' inflooence.'
"Moore conveys the Turner person to the windmill, an' ropes his twohands to one of its laigs.
"'Thar, Wolf,' he says, makin' shore the Turner person is fastenedsecoore, 'I shall leave you ontil, with every element of wildnessabated, you-all begins to feel more like a domestic anamile.'
"From whar we-all are standin' in front of the post office, we cansee the Turner person roped to the wind
mill laig.
"'What do you reckon's wrong with that party?' asks Enright, sort o'gen'ral like; 'I don't take it he's actchooally locoed none.'
"Thar's half a dozen opinions on the p'int involved. Tutt su'geststhat the Turner person's wits, not bein' cinched on any too tight bynacher in the beginnin', mebby slips their girths same as happens witha saddle. Cherokee inclines to a notion that whatever mentaldeeflections he betrays is born primar'ly of him stoppin' that week inRed Dog. Cherokee insists that sech a space in Red Dog shore ought tobe s'fficient to give any sport, however firmly founded, a decisiveslant.
"As ag'inst both the others, Boggs holds to the view that the onusualfitfulness observ'ble in the Turner person arises from a change oflicker, an' urges that the sudden shift from the beverages of Red Dog,which last is indoobitably no more an' no less than liquid loonacy, tothe Red Lights Old Jordan, is bound to confer a twist upon thestraightest intellectyooals.
"'Which I knows a party,' says Boggs, 'who once immerses a ten-pennynail in a quart of Red Dog licker, an' at the end of the week he takesit out a corkscrew.'
"'Go an' get him, Jack,' says Enright, p'intin' to the Turner person;'him bein' tied thar that a-way is an inhooman spectacle, an' iflittle Enright Peets should come teeterin' along an' see him, it'dhave a tendency to harden the innocent child. Fetch him yere, an' letme question him.'
"'Front up,' says Moore to the Turner person, when he's been conveyedbefore Enright; 'front up now, frank an' cheerful, an' answerquestions. Also, omit all ref'rences to bein' a wolf. Which you'veworn that topic thread-bar'; an' besides it ain't calc'lated to do youcredit.'
"'Whatever's the matter with you?' asks Enright, speakin' to theTurner person friendly like. 'Which I begins to think thar's somethin'wrong with your system. The way you go knockin' about offendin' folks,it won't be no time before every social circle in the Southwest'll beclosed ag'inst you. Whatever's wrong?'
"'Them's the first kind words,' ejacyoolates the Turner person,beginnin' to weep, 'which has been spoke to me in months. Which ifyou-all will ask me into yon s'loon, an' protect me from that murdererof a barkeep while I buys the drinks, I'll show you that I've beenillyoosed to a degree whar I'm no longer reespons'ble for my deeds.It's a love affair,' he adds, gulpin' down a sob, 'an' I've beencrooelly misonderstood.'
"'A love affair,' repeats Enright plenty soft, for the mention of lovenever fails to hit our old warchief whar thar't a palin' off hisfence. 'I ain't been what you-all'd call in love none since the PurpleBlossom of Gingham Mountain marries Polly Hawkes over on the PaintedPost. Polly was a beauty, with a arm like a canthook, an' at sechdulcet exercises as huggin' she's got b'ars left standin' sideways.However, that's back in Tennessee, an' many years ago.'
"Enright, breshin' the drops from his eyes, herds the Turner personinto the Red Light an' signals to Black Jack.
"'Onfold,' he says; 'tell me as to that love affair wharin you getscold-decked.'
"Nell abandons her p'sition on the lookout stool, an' shows upinterested an' intent at Enright's shoulder.
"Ain't I in this?' she asks.
"'Be thar any feachures,' says Enright to the Turner person,'calc'lated to offend the y'ears of innocence?'
"'None whatever,' says the Turner person. 'Which I'm oncapable ofshockin' the most fastid'yous.'
"'Is thar time,' asks Nell of Enright, 'for me to round up MissisRucker an' Tucson Jennie? Listenin' to love tales, that a-way, is ducksoup to both of 'em.'
"'You-all can tell 'em later, Nellie,' returns Enright. Then, to theTurner person, 'Roll your game, _amigo_, an' if you needs refreshment,yere it is.'
"'It ain't no mighty reecital,' says the Turner person loogubriously,'an' yet it ought to go some distance, among fa'r-minded gents, inexplainin' them vain elements of the weird an' ranikaboo which more orless enters into my recent conduct. I'm from Missouri; an' for alivelihood, an' to give the wolf a stand-off, I follows the professionof a fooneral director. My one weakness is my love for Peggy Parks,who lives with her folks out in the Sni-a-bar hills.
"'The nuptual day is set, an' I goes hibernatin' off to Kansas City tofetch the license.'
"'How old be you?' breaks in Enright.
"'Me? I'm twenty-six the last Joone rise of the old Missouri. As Iwas sayin', I hitches my hoss in Market Squar', an' takes toreeconoiterin' along Battle Row, wonderin' wharever them licenses isfor sale, anyway. Final, I discovers a se'f satisfied lookin' party,who's pattin' a dog. I goes to talkin' about the dog, an' allowin'I'm some on dogs myse'f, all by way of commencin' a conversation;an' winds up by askin' whar I go for to get a license. "Over thar,"says the dog party p'intin' across to a edifice he asshores me is aCity Hall. "First floor, first door, an' the damage is a dollar."
"'Thus steered, I goes streakin' it across, an' follows directions. Iboards my dollar, an' demands action. The outcast who's dealin' thelicense game writes in my name, an' shoves the paper across. In a blurof bliss I files it away in my jeans, mounts my hoss, an' goesgambodin' back to Peggy, waitin' at ancestral Sni-a-bar.'
"'Is your Peggy sweetheart pretty?' asks Nell.
"'She's a lamp of loveliness! Sweet? Beetrees is gall an' wormwood toher.
"'As to the weddin', it's settled Peggy an' me is to come flutterin'from our respective perches the next day. Doubtless we'd have done so,only them orange blossom rites strikes the onexpected an' goesglancin' off.
"'It's the Campbellite preacher, who's been brought in to marry us,that starts it. The play's to be made at Peggy's paw's house, afterwhich, for a weddin' trip, she an' me's to go wanderin' out torwardsthe Shawnee Mission, whar I've got some kin. The parson, when he hasthe entire outfit close-herded into the parlor, asks--bein' a car'fulold practitioner--to see the license. I turns it over, an' he takes itto the window to read. He gives that docyooment one look, an' thenglowers at me personal mighty baleful. "Miserable wretch," says he,"do you-all want to get yourse'f tarred an' feathered?"
"'In my confoosion I thinks this outbreak is part of the cer'mony,an' starts to say "I do!" Before I can edge in a word, however, hecalls over Peggy's old man. "Read that!" he cries, holdin' the licenseonder old Pap Parks' nose. Old Parks reads, an' the next news I getshe's maulin' me with his hickory walkin' stick like he's beatin' akyarpet.
"'Without waitin' to kiss the bride or recover my license, I simplyt'ars out the front of the house an' breaks for the woods. The nextday, old Parks takes to huntin' me with hounds. Nacherally, at thisproof of man's inhoomanity to man, I sneaks across into Kansas, an'makes for the settin' sun.'
"'An' can't you give no guess,' says Enright, 'at why old Parks digsup the waraxe so plumb sudden?'
"'No more'n rattlesnakes onborn, onless his inordinate glee at gettin'me for a son-in-law has done drove him off his head.'
"'Which it couldn't be that,' says Enright, takin' a hard, thoughtfullook at the Turner person. Then, followin' a pause, he adds, 'thar'ssome myst'ry yere!'
"'Ain't you-all made no try,' asks Nell, 'sech as writin' letters, orsome game sim'lar, to cl'ar things up?'
"'You-all don't know Pap Parks, Miss, in all his curves. Why, it'slucky he ain't wearin' his old bowie at that weddin', or he'd a-splitme into half apples. If I goes to writin' missives that a-way, he'lllocate me; an' you can take my word that invet'rate old homicide 'dtravel to the y'earth's eends to c'llect my skelp. That ain't goin' todo me; for, much as I love Peggy, I'd a heap sooner be single thandead.'
"'That party ain't locoed,' says Texas, noddin' towards the Turnerperson, whar he sets sobbin' in a cha'r when Enright gets throughexaminin' him. 'He's simply a howlin' eediot. Yere he escapes wedlockby a mir'cle; an'--chains an' slavery!--now he can't think of nobetter way to employ his liberty than in cryin' his heart out becausehe's free. If I'm bitter, gents, it's because I speaks from hardexperience. Considerin' how she later corrals that Laredo divorce an'sells up my cattle at public vandoo for costs an' al'mony, if when Itroops to the altar with that lady whom I makes Missis Thompson, mygyardian angel had gone at me
with a axe, that faithful sperit wouldhave been doin' no more than its simple dooty in the premises.'
"Enright takes it onto himself to squar' the Turner person at the RedLight an' the O. K. Restauraw; an', since his ensooin' conduct is muchwithin decent bounds, except that Rucker steps some high an' mightywhen he heaves in sight an' Black Jack gives him hard an' narrowlooks, nothin' su'gestive of trouble occurs. In less'n a week heshakes down into his proper place, an' all as placid as a duck-pond.He's even a sort o' fav'rite with Nell, Missis Rucker an' TucsonJennie, they claimin' that he's sufferin' from soul blight because ofa lost love. Certainly, thar's nothin' in this yere fem'nine bluff,but of course none of us don't say so at the time.
"Boggs holds that the Turner person's only a pecooliarly gifted liar,an' refooses to believe in him. 'Because it's prepost'rous,' saysBoggs, 'that folks would go in to frame up a weddin', an' then, led bythe preacher, take to mobbin' the bridegroom on the very threshold ofthem nuptials.'
"'It ain't by no means shore, Dan,' says Texas, to whom Boggs impartshis convictions, 'but what you've drove the nail. Which if that Parkshousehold reely has it in for this Turner person, they'd have let himgo the route. Could even the revenge of a fiend ask more than simplyseein' him a married man?'
"In about a fortnight, that Turner person's got fully cooled out, an'the worst effects of what Red Dog licker he imbibes has disappeared.As he feels himse'f approachin' normal, as Peets puts it, he mentionsto Enright casyooal like that, if the town sees nothin' ag'in it, hereckons he'll open an ondertakin' shop.
"'Not,' he says, 'that I'm the man to go hintin' that what formerfoonerals has been pulled off in these yere parts ain't been all theyshould; but still, to get a meetropolitan effect, you oughter have ahearse an' ploomes. Let it be mine to provide them marks of a advancedcivilization. It'll make villages like Red Dog an' Colton sing low,an' be a distinct advantage to a camp which is strugglin' forconsid'ration. Yes, sir,' goes on the Turner person, warmin' with thetheme, 'what's the public use of obsequies if you-all don't exhaust'em of every ounce of good? An' how can any outfit expect to do this,an' said outfit shy that greatest evidence of modern reefinement, ahearse? Given a rosewood coffin, an' a black hearse with ploomes--meon the box--an' the procession linin' solemnly out for Boot Hill, ifwe-all ain't the instant envy of the territory, you can peg me out bythe nearest ant hill ontil I pleads guilty to bein' wrong.'
"'Thar's no need for all this yere eloquence,' replies Enright,blandly. 'What you proposes has been a dream of mine for years. Youopen your game as fooneral director, an' if we can't find material foryou local, we'll go rummagin' 'round as far as Lordsburg an' SilverCity to supply the deficiency.'
"Feelin' Enright is behind him, the Turner person goes to work withsech exyooberant enthoosiasm, that it ain't a month before he bringsover his hearse from Tucson, said vehicle havin' been sent on from theEast. She's shore no slouch for a catafalque neither, an' we p'radesup an' down the street with it, gettin' the effect.
"Boggs voices the common feelin'.
"'Thar's a conveyance,' says he, 'that comes mighty close to robbin'death of half its sting. Any sport is bound to cash in more content,when he savvys that his last appearance is bound to be a vict'ry an'he'll be freighted to the sepulcher in a swell wagon like that.'
"'It is shore calc'lated to confer class on the deeparted,' assentsTutt.
"These praises certainly exalts the sperits of the Turner person awhole lot. He buys the old Lady Gay dance hall, which, since the goin'out of the Votes for Women S'loon, has again become the ondispootedproperty of Armstrong, makes a double-door to back in the hearse, an'reopens that deefunct temple of drink an' merriment as a ondertakin'establishment. Over the front he hangs up his sign.
COFFIN EMPORIUM.
L. TURNER, FUNERAL DIRECTOR.
CORPSES SOLICITED.
"That sign so much uplifts the sperit of the town it mor'n doubles theday's receipts at the Red Light. Also, two or three shady charactersvamooses for fear of what a nacheral public eagerness to see thathearse in action may do.
"It's the day next on the hocks of the installation of the Turnerperson in business, an' the fooneral director is lookin' out of thefront window of his coffin emporium wishin' some gent'd startsomethin' with his gun an' mebby bump him off a load for his newhearse, when Enright eemerges from the post office with a iron look onhis face. Peets is with him, an' the pa'r is holdin' a pow-wow.
"The rest of us might have taken more notice, only our sombreros isfittin' some tight on account of the interest we evinces the day priorin he'pin' la'nch the Turner person that a-way. As it is, we bats alackluster eye, an' wonders in a feeble way what's done corr'gatedEnright's brow.
"It don't go no further than wonder, however, ontil after a fewmoments talk with Nell, Enright sends across for the Turner person. Asshowin' how keenly sens'tive are the female faculties that a-way,Missis Rucker an' Tucson Jennie is canvassin' some infantile mal'dy oflittle Enright Peets in the front room of the O. K. House, an' same asif they smells the onyoosual in the air, they comes troopin' over tothe Red Light to note what happens next.
"'Young man,' says Enright, when the Turner person has been broughtin, 'by way of starter, let me inquire, be you preepared to surrenderyour destinies, of which you're plumb onfitted to have charge, intodisgusted albeit kindly hands?'
"The Turner person, some oneasy at seein' Moore, who's carelesslytoyin' with a lariat, edgin' 'round his way, allows in tremblin' toneshe is.
"'Thar be those,' goes on Enright, 'who with the best intentions inthe world, has been explorin' the ins an' outs of your Sni-a-bartroubles, an' while the clouds is measur'ble lifted the fresh lightshed on your concerns leaves you in a most imbecile sityooation. Whichif I thought that little Enright Peets, not yet in techin' distance ofhis teens, hadn't got no more sense than you, much as I dotes uponthat baby I'd shore vote for his deemise. However, proceedin' with thedeal, thar's this to say: Nellie thar, writes to your Peggysweetheart, while I opens negotiations with old man Parks. I plans toread you them replies, but after advisin' with the Doc, an' collectin'the views of Nell, it's deemed s'fficient to tell you what you'regoin' to do, an' then head you fo'th to its accomplishment. Ourconj'int findin's, the same bein' consented to by old Parks inwritin', an' tearfully deesired by your Peggy sweetheart in what shecommoonicates to Nellie, is that you proceed at once to Sni-a-bar, an'get them interrupted nuptials over. After which you'll be free toreturn yere with your bride, an' take up the hon'rable an' usefulc'reer you've marked out. As the preesidin' officer of the Stranglers,my word is that you be ready to start by next stage; which, onlessMonte gets so deep in licker that he tips that conveyance over abluff, should permit you to clasp your Peggy to your bosom an' kissthe tears from her cheeks by the middle of next week.'
"'But,' interjects the Turner person, his voice soundin' like theterrified bleatin' of a sheep, 'can't you-all give me no glimmer ofwhat's wrong that time? I don't hanker overmuch to go back in darkenedignorance, like a lamb to the slaughter. What guarantee have I gotthat old Parks won't lay for me with that bootcher knife of his'n? Itain't fair to leave me to go knockin' about, in the midst of perilssech as these, like a blind dog in a meat shop.'
"'Your Peggy,' returns Enright, 'encloses a letter to you by the handof Nellie yere, which may or may not set fo'th what insults youperp'trates upon her fam'ly. Also, said missive furnishes the onlychance at this end of the trail of you findin' out the len'th an'breadth of your ignorant iniquities. For myse'f, the thought of whatyou-all does that time is so infooriatin' I must refuse to go over itin words. Only, if in his first reesentments old Parks had burned youat the stake, I would not have condemned him. As to your safetypers'nal, you can regyard it as asshored. Your Peggy will protect you,an' your footure parent-in-law himse'f acquits you of everythingexcept bein' an eediot. It's, however, got down to whether he preefersto have a fool in his fam'ly or see his darter wretched for life, an'he's do
ne nerved himse'f to take the fool.'
"'Thar's your sweetheart's letter,' an' Nell puts an envelope whichsmells of voylets into the Turner person's hands.
"That ondertaker reads it; an' after bein' confoosed by shame for amoment, he begins to cheer up.
"'Folks,' he says, kissin' his Peggy's letter an' stowin' it away inhis coat, 'I trusts a gen'rous public will permit me, after thankin'them whose kindness has smoothed out the kinks in my affairs, to closethe incident with onlimited drinks for the camp.' That's all he says;an' neither can we dig anything further out of Enright or Nell.
"We sees the Turner person aboard the stage, an' wishes him all kindsof luck. As Monte straightens out the reins over his six hosses an'cleans the lash of his whip through his fingers, Peets vouchsafes apartin' word.
"'Neither I nor Sam,' says Peets, 'wants you to go away thinkin' thatyou an' your bride ain't goin' to be as welcome as roses when you an'she comes ramblin' in as one on your return.'
"'That's whatever,' coincides Nell.
"'Also,' breaks in Enright, 'should old Parks go to stampin' the sodor shakin' his horns, you-all are to put up with them deemonstrationsan' not make no aggrevatin' reemarks. No one knows better than you bynow, how much cause you gives that proud old gent to feel harrowed.'
WE SEES THE TURNER PERSON ABOARD AN' WISHES HIM ALL KINDSOF LUCK. p. 222.]
"Of course all of us is preyed on by anxiety to know whatever awfulthing it is the Turner person does. In the end it's Missis Rucker whosmokes Enright out.
"'Sam Enright,' says this yere intrepid lady, her manner plentydarklin', 'you mustn't forget that whenever the impulse moves me I canshet down utter on your grub. Likewise, as a lady, I not only knows myp'sition, but keenly feels my rights. Which I don't aim to coerce you,but onless you comes through with the trooth about this yere Turnerperson's felonies, some drastic steps is on their way.'
"'You will see, Missis Rucker,' says Enright, who's to be excoosed forturnin' a bit white, 'that no present reason exists for threatenin' mewhen I asshores you that as far back as last evenin' I fully decidesto lay bar' everything. I do this, onderstand, not through fear; butlest some folks go surmisin' round to the inj'ry of the innocent. As Irecollects back, too, I can see how the Turner person slumps into thatmistake, him first talkin' dog to that canine party in Battle Row,an' then askin' whar does he go for the weddin' license.'
"'Sam Enright,' interrupts Missis Rucker, whose flashin' eyes showsshe's growin' hysterical, 'don't harass me with no p'intless speeches.You say flat what it is he does, or take the consequences.'
"'Why, my dear Missis Rucker,' an' Enright makes haste with his reply,'the thing is easily grasped. The paper he gives the preacher sharp isa dog license. Which that Turner person is seekin' to wed the belle ofSni-a-bar on a permit to keep a dog! The canine party he meets inBattle Row misonderstands a sityooation.'
"'All the same,' observes Texas to Boggs, as the two meets thatevenin' in the Noo York store, 'thar's one feachure to a dog license,not perceivable in a marriage license, which is worth gold an'precious stones. Said docyooment runs out in a year.'"