The Fez
L. T. Hewitt
For Simone King, for correcting parts that were written badly, seeing similarities with Douglas Adams and being an understanding writer.
For Rachel Crosby, for comparing me to Terry Pratchett, seeing similarities with Douglas Adams and understanding sci-fi techniques Simone may have missed.
For Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett, for having existed.
The Fez
L. T. Hewitt
Copyright 2012 by L. T. Hewitt
Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
About the author
Chapter 1
Not everyone likes their home. In fact, very few people enjoy spending a lot of time there. The majority of the population of any settlement, country or even planet is convinced that there must be something better, something greater, something more meaningful out there than sitting at home, alone, and whining over the mysterious misery of existence. There isn’t, of course, yet still the moaners wonder.
Despite these complaints of apparent stir-craziness, a man who resides away from home for any period of time longer than a week will inevitably become even more agitated and pine for his self-declared prison.
No matter where in the world a moaning, sleep-deprived interloper finds itself, it will still only be a maximum of a few thousand million kilometres away from its home. That is, assuming the interloper hasn’t left its home planet. However, when a man finds himself on another planet through no fault of his own, he can become incredibly unpredictable, even to himself. It is worth bearing in mind that the lost alien will undoubtedly have enough trouble coming to terms with his galactic location and his fate of being stranded on such an undeterminable, foreign land (as well as spending a lot of time absent-mindedly pondering on the culture of the place) to care much for common courtesy. Not that he would be likely to understand that either.
Aside from the high probability of finding yourself whirling in a pool of self-torment, eventually leading you to near-suicidal mental constraints, it’s well worth leaving the house once in a while.
“He’s awake!”
“Oh good. Do you remember what you need to say?”
“Yes, yes. I’ve been well aware since he arrived here.”
“Good, good.”
There was a moment’s silence, during which time the women decided to slip from professionalism. “Seriously, though, who goes out like that?” the second woman wondered.
“He probably didn’t start off like that. He looks a bit mad. Somebody perhaps did it as a joke while he was asleep.”
The nurses ran around in that way professionally busy people seem to think will help sort all the confusion out. They needed to make sure that he had a place to stay and that he understood what was happening to him.
He didn’t.
Dave opened his eyes and tried to see where he was. He saw a blur of white, so he rubbed his eyes and tried again. He saw a white hospital room with odd patients, including a blue man and two hedgehogs the size of small dogs. He rubbed his eyes again. The man and the hedgehogs were still there. How odd, thought Dave.
“Are you feeling okay?” a female nurse asked politely.
“I, er, I don’t think I know, well…” Dave wasn’t getting anywhere. He sighed. “I know this must sound weird, but it looks...” He laughed. “It looks like there are two hedgehogs over there in that bed.”
The hedgehogs looked over in silence.
“Um,” muttered a nearby nurse. “They’re long-term patients here.”
There was an awkward silence.
“How exactly did I get here?” asked Dave.
“You were brought here in an ambulance after you collapsed on the street.”
“Really?”
“What can you remember?”
“Well, I was walking into town to buy some bread and there was a flash of light. I collapsed and—” He cut off abruptly and patted his pockets. “Where’s my wallet?”
“You were found with no identification or currency on your person.”
“I definitely took my wallet.”
“In fact,” she continued, “you were found completely naked.”
“What?” he exclaimed. He looked down to see that he was wearing a hospital gown. “Oh.” How odd, thought Dave. “Just out of curiosity,” he said, “where am I?”
“This is Monterey Jack General Hospital.”
He searched his mind for any prior knowledge of that name. “Is that in London?”
“No, this is Carpe Yolu.”
“Where’s that?”
“In England,” the nurse said. “Which is in Britain,” she added.
“Really?”
“It was last time I checked…”
Dave wanted to make sure this wasn’t some kind of joke. A theme park called ‘Britain’, a small American town, anything like that would usually confuse him, and so he was often the subject of much ridicule from his friends. “Britain being in…”
“Britain being a country in Europe.”
Dave raised his eyebrows.
“Just out of wondering,” he joked, “which planet would that be on?”
The nurse laughed along. “The planet,” she responded. “The planet that we are currently on is the planet Glix.”
Dave’s smile faded.
Chapter 2
The planet Glix, although written as though it should be pronounced ‘glicks’, is said ‘glee’. It is a unique planet in some respects as it is very large, allowing for lots of pure, wonderful scenery. Glix has lots of interesting features, such as the river which runs through the sky, the entirely geometric island shapes and the fascinating cloud formations that often become so compact, they can obscure up to a third of the planet at the same time, and then spread broadly out, so they can hardly be seen at all. But Dave wasn’t initially concerned with any of the physical anomalies of the multifaceted world. And, after only having been upon its surface a matter of minutes, Dave had subconsciously decided that it was only exceptional to him in one way: it was the first planet – besides his own – that he had ever visited and, at that moment, Dave wasn’t sure it was any better than his last. He was trying not to be too skeptical, however, as he lost himself in his incredibly bizarre thoughts.
This is a new planet, he thought. Or maybe it’s not new. Maybe it’s incredibly old and they are so advanced here that I’m making their whole planet seem Neanderthal. Maybe, just maybe, they want to kill me.
“Hello, Dave.”
“Argh!” he screeched, making every other patient jump.
“It’s just me,” said the nurse, confused and not sure if she’d done something wrong or not.
“Oh,” said a relieved and
breathless Dave. “Hello.”
“We’re just going to take you through to another ward now. Is that okay by you?”
No, it’s certainly not okay! You are going to take me where no-one can see me and kill me! The population of your whole stupid planet Glee, or whatever, will rejoice in knowing that they have thankfully become modern again. You will be glad to see the back of me. The cold, dead back with a knife in it. You will have parties and celebrations for weeks. This day (whatever weird, space-age date this may be) will be marked as a national – no, a planetary – holiday for all eternity. There will be celebrations against me, won’t there, you cruel-hearted, cold-blooded murderers!
“Are you all right with this, Dave?”
“Yeah, it’s fine.”
He was walked along to his new room by the same nurse he had come to know as Glinda Bradbury.
“Now you have to remember that all that anaesthetic we gave you will probably make you imagine things.”
“Okay.”
“And you may have some pretty odd dreams.”
“Fine.”
“So remember not to take them seriously.”
“I won’t.”
They then arrived at the new room. It was a small room, clearly designed for just one weirdo. Dave guessed that – if he tried very hard – he could probably fit an infinite number of weirdoes in the room, provided they only took up two dimensions. Given his current circumstances, he didn’t think this was too unlikely and wondered if there were any such people in the room with him, hiding by standing sideways.
“Just a question,” Dave said, cautious not to sound as though he were from anywhere other than Carpe Yolu, England, Britain, Europe, Glix. “I’m assuming there are some pretty serious injuries in this hospital at the moment.”
“That’s not a question,” she said.
“No, I guess not. But there are bad cases here. Some of these people are stuck in really awful conditions.”
“Well you seem to be in a quite a predicament yourself.”
“No,” he said abruptly. “I’m not.”
“You still haven’t asked any questions. What is it you want to know, exactly?”
“Is anyone in your hospital suffering from a condition whereby they lose physical form and have to live as a two-dimensional being in a three-dimensional world?”
“Not as far as I’m aware…”
“Ah, but that’s my point. Do you think it would be possible? And would they just go unnoticed.”
“I think you’d best forget about this for now, Dave. If you discover any of these flat people, be sure to tell me and I’ll be happy to help give you solace. But, for now, don’t let them bother you.” She stopped and thought for a moment. “I wouldn’t worry about them inhabiting this room either; everything is designed for three-dimensional people.”
Dave’s eyes were drawn towards a comfortable-looking bed and also to a soft armchair. There was a desk placed there for when he felt he had the energy to do something creative. His bed ran along the side of the room, with the headboard resting on one wall and the footboard against the other. To the left of the bed was a small window – one of those hospital windows that are specially reinforced so that no-one (except perhaps a bodybuilder) could open it and climb out. He was glad, as he thought the day was going so madly he may be trying to jump out of it later. Dave immediately thought it looked very cosy and homely. He wouldn’t mind staying here.
Dave found that the most noticeable feature of the room was the large painting taking up the whole wall at the foot of his bed. It looked almost religious, except it depicted a large blue duck wearing a sock. This duck appeared to be flying like a genie on a cloud, whilst a chicken accompanied him in throwing another chicken, a fish and two hedgehogs – among many other animals – down to an odd-looking planet.
“Excuse me, Nurse Bradbury,” Dave said. “But would you mind telling me what this painting’s about?”
“Why, of course I’ll tell you,” she said, in another one of her shocked voices. “But how do you not know already? That is a depiction of the Almighty Quack sending the descendants of Margery down to Glix.”
“Right, of course, but can you just remind me who Almighty Quacks is again?”
“You really must have lost your memory,” she chuckled, but she still sounded quite concerned.
Dave falsely laughed.
“Why, Quack is the god of this planet, of course.”
“So he’s the duck?”
“Yes, He’s the Duck.”
“Okay, then who’s Margery?”
“She’s the Chicken who lives with Quack in the Overworld.”
“So would you say she’s his secretary?”
“I would if it weren’t for the blasphemy.”
“Are those hedgehogs…?”
“Boris and Doris?”
“Are they the hedgehogs in the other room?”
“Yes. What happened to you to make you forget all this?”
“Well, actually, I’m from—” Don’t do it, said the odd voice in his head. You know they want to kill you. “I’m from a foreign country… Scotland.”
“Where’s that?”
“You know, in the North.”
“North? Where’s that? Oh, you mean North Island?”
“Up from here – above this country.”
“Nekken or Nord?”
“Towards the Nor— the nearest Pole,” he said, correcting himself.
“Personally, I would say that that was down.”
“Closest to the Artic.”
“No, I don’t recall. Do you mean BongVe Bong?”
“No. North. Oh, never mind.”
“I’ll leave you to think about where you’ve come from. Oh, and don’t forget: don’t follow your hallucinations.”
She walked away and left him to get settled in his room. He tested the quality of his seat and desk before retiring to his bed. He focused on every detail of the painting until he eventually drifted off to sleep.
Dave was awoken by the sound of a very large object shifting just outside his room. It took him a few seconds of confusion to remember where he was: in a hospital room on the alternate planet of Glix, which was run by a blue Duck and a Chicken Lady. How odd, thought Dave. After he had remembered this information, the next thing on his mind was his confused anger at the world for creating these strange noises.
What on… thought Dave. What on Glix is going on out there?
He got up and looked out his window. He saw an astounding apparition. A monstrous, red box was gliding through the city of Carpe Yolu. On closer inspection, it appeared to be a square frustum, which (when put into simpler terms) was a pyramid with the top cut off. He looked to the base of the thing, many storeys below, and saw that houses seemed to be disappearing into it as it passed along. Dave wondered if it was merely a hologram, but he felt the air being pushed his way as well as the Air given off by the box. He noticed that one of the walls was entirely covered in buttons. Dave saw buttons on another side of it as well, and guessed that all four walls were probably coated in the scruffily organised display of mysteries. They were mostly grey, with a few other colours thrown in for good measure. As far as he could see, each one had a unique symbol on it. Who would create a horrible hoax like this? he thought; it seemed too large and silent to be completely innocent. He was horrified. It was moving towards him and soon it blocked out most of the light from his room like a big, red, trapeziform eclipse. He wondered what he should do to stop it; should he tell somebody? But then he saw it. There was a golden button on the nearest red wall. He knew what to do: he had to push that button. Dave tried hard to clench it, finding the limit to his manoeuvrability – but it was still too far away. He climbed fully onto his bed and pushed against the window, barely realising – or caring – what he was doing. The framework of the hospital wall creaked. The window resisted the impact as much as it was able to, but – even with its reinforced hinges – couldn’t bear the strength of D
ave’s obsession. His overriding desire to get to the button made him force the window wide open. He leant out as far as he could but saw that the button was getting farther and farther away from him. He made one last great attempt at getting at that button and fell right out the window, missing the button as he went. His foot caught on the window as he left and he hung there for a while, his mind rushing through the moments in his head. As he saw the red box moving away, he wondered how he could have been so blinded by desire to chase after it. He resigned himself to getting back inside the hospital before anybody noticed, deeply ashamed of sudden stupidity. As he turned around to climb back into the building, his foot shifted out of its place on the windowsill.
He fell, the window slamming shut behind him, closing all hope of getting back. The box was still there, as if to protect his fall, but Dave knew that he couldn’t survive that severe a drop, even with the hand of Fate to catch him.
Chapter 3
Dave woke up. He began to wonder if he had died at some point during a strange journey, but he saw his surroundings and situation and decided he was still alive. Giving the room another glance around, he surmised that his fears were true, and the hospital was a very odd place to be, whether fully conscious or not. It was an unpleasant existence, but it was an existence nonetheless. Dave realised he was just as alive as he’d always been. Technically.
I must have fallen onto the red box and broken my back, Dave thought, so I’ve been brought back into hospital, then. My back does really hurt, now I think about it. And so does my head. No, I can’t have fallen; this is the same hospital room as before. Supposing I had left via the window, then been brought back in because of my injuries, there’s no way I would be put back onto the same ward. And, even if I were, they wouldn’t have left me here by myself again. After all, they seemed to give me a lot of attention when I was first brought here. And an odd foreigner who’s just jumped out a window requires far more attention than an odd, foreign lunatic who’s just been found on the street naked. Now, about that box. A big, red box covered with buttons – that seems too ridiculous to be true. I must have been dreaming.
He looked over at the window; it was still shut. I can’t have left, he concluded. It must have all been a dream.
A nurse came in. Upon looking up with far more terror in his eyes than he would ever have wanted in any situation, he began to realise that it was Glinda. She was looking at him with more confusion than he thought possible in a human from any planet, apparently curious as to whether he was sleeping with his horrified eyes open or not.