I stare up at Ace. Did I just trust the wrong person with my thoughts? What now? Will he kill me? Or will someone else do it? His eyes bore into mine. They are hard eyes, eyes that have seen a lot despite his age. They soften slightly as I look into them. He can make them soft when he wants to. Why are they soft now?
"You can't tell anyone," Ace says. "Not Maria or...Nathan. No one. It's very important."
"But they're brainwashing us," I say.
"I know," he replies.
"You know?" I question.
"Yes," he says.
I give him a look of pure disgust. He knows and he does nothing. He's as bad as the government. He's just like them. He does nothing when he should. He's more interested in controlling us. He allows the brainwashing out of fear for what we might do to him. He actually takes a step back from me at my look. The serial killer expression is back.
"So, that's my fate, huh?" I ask from between clenched teeth. "I'm going to have everything that makes me unique taken from me. I'm going to be a worker bee in the greater cog that is the government. I'll feed your people. I'll clothe them. I might even protect them. But I won't be able to be truly happy. I won't be able to choose. You'll have made the choice for me."
Tears are in my eyes. They're tears of anger. I'm frustrated. I know there is very little I can do to change things. I don't like feeling helpless. I never have. Brainwashing is the last straw. I turn away from him and start walking again without giving him time to reply. I don't want to hear some lame excuse.
I feel even more helpless than I did when I realized that I was being put into a prison to serve out a sentence for a crime I didn't commit. I have clung to the thought that I can make it through the lessons and find Max again. I wonder if I will even have the desire to find him after they get through with me. I will be content to serve. I will not know any different. I might even forget him. Max will be lost to me forever.
"Please don't cry," he says quietly. He's not telling, he's begging. But I don't care. A tear falls onto my face.
"Pretty soon I won't be able to cry when I want to either," I say. "You can tell me to stop and I'll have to. I won't be able to fight the impulse. Just give it some time."
"I promise to find a way for you and your brother to be together," Ace says. "You just have to get through training. It's not so bad out here. You'll see."
"Have you ever been brainwashed?" I ask him. "Have you ever had months of slow, torturous brainwashing? Have they taken your thoughts from you?"
He doesn't reply. We both know the answer. It's no.
"I...I don't need your help," I say. "I don't want it. Make someone else into a pet."
I turn away again and hurry to find the others. Maybe the dead-eyed man will kill me. It sounds like a better alternative than having my will taken from me. Ace doesn't let me walk alone. He matches my stride again, his expression very grim, and doesn't say another word to me.
When we return to the lift, the others are waiting for us. Maria, Nathan, and Sam look worried. They know that my disappearance is exactly the sort of thing we were warned against. They fear for me. The dead-eyed man stares at me. The coldness in his expression makes my heart skip a beat, but I am still lost in my revelation to give it much thought. So what if they kill me? It's better than living life as a shell of a person. I don't want to be a robot or a machine they can program when they want to.
The dead-eyed man steps in front of me silently. His eyes bore into my face. Mr. Humphrey is gone. There are witnesses around the park, though. My punishment will be at the facility. They can't risk scaring the citizens.
"It's not her fault," Ace says coldly. His stoic expression is back. A glance at his face doesn't tell me anything of his thoughts. "A citizen stopped her. It was one of those immigrant advocates. They were asking her all sorts of questions. She refused to answer them, but the advocate wouldn't let her leave. I had to step in."
The dead-eyed man's eyes light up with understanding and his anger drains away. He believes Ace. It's easy. He's a very good liar. The man gestures me toward the lift. I step around him without looking back at Ace. I don't want to feel grateful to him for saving me again. I don't want to feel anything about him beyond disgust.
Maria's smile is relieved when I join her. Everyone has their bodies angled to the north again. I realize it is the direction of the facility. The early training must focus on obedience to the facility. We are taught to find it again. I wonder what will happen if we do run away. Will we just end up at the facility? Did it even occur to any of them to run away? Has the programming taken the urge from us? How deep does the brainwashing go? How much have they taught us in two weeks of playing the game?
I have the feeling we're just in the beginning stages of it. It takes longer to take hold. It takes more. They want to be sure of us. I want to keep crying, but the lie has taken over my heart. I can't let the others know. There's no point in it. Escape is useless. We'll be found.
As we climb back on board the lift and Ace gets into the pilot's chair, I realize that the thought isn't true. I don't have to give up because the odds are against me. I'm suddenly determined to find a way around the messages. The fact that I don't have the same impulses as the others do means that the brainwashing is not working on me. I can resist. I'll keep the part of me that's real to myself. I won't let them take from me the things that matter. I won't let them take Max from me.
I don't feel the same joy as we rise into the air again. I am too preoccupied by everything I have seen and learned to take enjoyment from the flight. I think of Riley with rage. I think of Ace with anger. I think of the government with loathing.
Returning to the facility feels like torture with my added knowledge. I finally know what they're doing to me. I know what they're taking from me. I have to be stronger than them, if it's at all possible. My will versus their will, in a showdown to last the ages. It will be an interesting struggle.
Maria spends all of dinner and the hours before bed talking about our visit to the city. She's impressed. She talks about all the sights and the people. She doesn't understand how such beauty can exist in the same city where we are held captive. I agree with her, but I say very little as she speaks.
I keep picturing Riley laughing with her friends and Ace's expression as he admits to knowing the truth of our brainwashing. I can't help but notice the sadness and regret that was on his face at the admission. He does not like it, yet he does nothing. A part of me wants to forgive him for being a coward. He's practical enough to know fighting the government is useless. It's futile. They have all the power. He's smart enough to know that a fight against them would get him nowhere. Too, the city is his home. He does not want anything to happen to it. He's not interested in destroying the status quo because of us.
The larger part of me condemns him. If he fought, he would stand for something. He would be brave and a hero. Why do I wish so much for him to be brave?
The next morning, Nathan eats at the blue table. He tries to sit with us but a guard warns him off with a quick shock to the side. Nathan turns away immediately, regret on his face. It will be difficult to find time to talk to him. I've lost a friend. Maybe it's better that way. It's better to lose him all at once than over the course of months. I don't have to watch him fade away as his mind becomes something someone has programmed him to be.
Sam isn't happy. He looks over at Nathan with a grumpy frown. "Look at him over there...He doesn't even seem that sad," he says.
"He earned his place," Maria says.
"At least we didn't get busted down," Sam says.
"Does it really matter?" I ask morosely.
"It means we don't get killed," Sam points out.
I don't reply. Ace's words are in my head. I know he's right to warn me. I can't tell the others about the brainwashing. It would just make them feel the way I'm feeling, like moving forward is pointless. Our situation won't be any different if they know the truth. It'll just make them stop trying. Or else they'l
l go mad.
I begin to think of rebellion as I consider the weeks ahead of me. I can't help myself. Doing nothing makes me feel helpless. If they keep at it, they're going to turn me into the rebel they hate so much. They're going to get their wish.
Ace is in the hall after breakfast. He's standing in front of a guard I have seen often. They're talking very seriously. As I watch, the guard lashes out. Ace dodges the hit and punches the man in the gut. He doubles over and Ace knees him in the face. The man hits the ground in a daze. Ace grabs the back of his jacket and puts him on his feet. The other guards run toward them, but Ace has the situation in-hand. He's the last person to need help in a fight.
"I stabbed him, I did it," the guard repeats over and over again.
Ace glances at me but walks past without a word. I'm astonished. He's somehow made the guard admit to attacking Benny. He's still helping me. It makes my anger at him grow. How can he be so daring about framing a man for my attack and not help where it actually matters? Why is he so damn focused on helping me and not the others?
The others have come to the door with the drama. I feel them behind me. Nathan asks me what's going on. I answer him shortly and then walk to my first class without Maria. I don't care to stare in astonishment as Ace walks down the hall. I understand the situation perfectly. I wish I didn't.
At the end of the week I am taken to Willem's room again for an evaluation. I wait silently for my turn to come, though I fidget often. I don't want to go into his room and have him hypnotize me. I don't know what he asks me. I hate that I can't control my answers. It makes me feel naked and exposed. It makes me think the interviews are a continuation of the brainwashing.
The classes and the game have been the same during the week. I know I'm slipping in ranking, but I've stopped caring. My only concession is the game. I still help Maria win. I can't bring myself to let her fail. I don't want her to get in trouble.
Willem pokes his head around the door as Maria walks out with glazed eyes and a confused expression. He gestures me inside. I sigh and walk over to the sofa without looking at him and sit down. He closes the door and pushes a button. I hear a soft sound, like a dull humming. It sounds very similar to the buzzing I experienced after the explosion. It makes me want to cover my ears.
I look over my shoulder and see that he has put a black device against the door. He turns and looks at me with a small smile.
"A little device I invented. It creates a subsonic frequency. Makes having a conversation easier."
I don't reply. The fact that he's trying to keep the others from overhearing worries me. I'm not impressed by the technology like I am with the sense of danger such silence brings. The door to Willem's personal quarters opens as I turn to look at the far wall again and Ace appears. He sits down in front of me without saying anything, though his eyes say enough. They are cold and full of arrogance. I stare at him. I turn it into a contest. I want him to look away first. I want him to feel my anger and hate. He's not intimidated. He's stared down worse.
Willem sits on the sofa next to me. He senses the tension. He sniffs in agitation, the snot rolling around his sinuses, and then turns to me. "Ace tells me you've figured out a few things..."
"Brainwashing is not a thing. It's torture," I reply tightly.
Willem sighs. "Yes, well, there is that."
"Are you going to kill me?" I ask.
Though I'm asking Willem, my eyes are still on Ace. His expression hasn't changed at all since sitting. Ace will be the one to pull the trigger if my death is really necessary to keep the brainwashing a secret. He's the soldier.
"I think you know the answer to that," Ace says.
I do know the answer. Everything he's done suggests he's been protecting me. I have no idea why.
"Then what's this about?" I ask. "I haven't said anything. I'm not going to. There's no point in it. The government has all the control, and telling my friends will just make them feel even more like they're in a hopeless situation."
"The aptitude tests don't just determine intelligence," Willem says. "They tell me psychological make up. I know that you have rebellious tendencies. I know you will find them if you are pushed too hard in your current state. You will lose your patience. You will see your friends lose their fighting spirit and you will hate it. You will do something stupid and be killed for it."
He's right. I didn't think he knew me so well. He's knows more about me than even I do.
"Which is why we have to get you out of here," Willem adds.
"What?" I ask.
"We have a way of sneaking people out of the city," Ace says in his quiet voice. "It's an underground network of sorts. We take the immigrants we can help before the brainwashing gets to them, the ones who can't survive the training. Many of them are taken after the aptitude test. It's the easiest place to get to them before real attention is paid."
I stare at him. "You have a way out? An underground network?"
"What part of the statement is confusing you?" Ace asks with an arched eyebrow.
"The part where you pick and choose who stays," I say.
But I'm relieved. He's not a coward. He's cautious. The difference is profound.
"We can't take everyone," Ace replies. "It would expose the network. I have to be careful...or no one will ever get out. Helping a few is better than helping none."
I shake my head at him. I understand his reasons. I don't like them, but I understand them. It makes sense. I'm curious about why he helps immigrants. I want to know his story. I want to know everything. My questions are not nearly as important as the truth in my heart.
"I'm not leaving without Max. And Maria. And Sam. And Nathan," I say.
Ace finally looks away. "You know that's impossible. Honey has been keeping an eye on you. She doesn't trust you. She thinks you're a rebel. Getting you out will not be easy. And if you and Max disappear at the same time...someone will connect the dots."
"Then get Max out," I say.
He hesitates. "The adult facility is more difficult to manage. That's why I focus my attention here. The government is not nearly as scared of the teenagers as they are the adults. They don't watch them as closely. Mainly because you do not rebel nearly as much," he says.
"If he stays, I stay," I say.
"Don't be stubborn, Bree," Ace says.
"It's my choice," I say.
"You'll die," Ace replies.
"Then at least I'll die knowing I didn't abandon my friends and brother," I say.
"What use is bravery when you're dead?" Ace asks, though he's not nearly as angry as he seems. He likes my reply. It's his turn to appreciate the fact that I'm not a coward.
"It's probably no use at all," I say. "But it matters to me while I'm alive."
Silence falls. Ace is staring at me again, while Willem is looking at his hands and sniffing every ten seconds. I wish he would stop. I think about Ace's words. I realize what they mean. He's betraying the government by helping the immigrants. He's not their man after all.
"Are you a rebel?" I ask him hesitantly.
"No," Ace replies. "I'm a citizen who doesn't like the way some things are done in the city. I'm a patriot, even if it means disagreeing with the policies of my government from time to time. The rebels are chaotic. They have the wrong priorities. The city doesn't need violence. It functions fine without it. The majority of citizens are loving, caring, and just want to live their lives in peace. We need a quiet revolution, one that does not put so many innocent people at risk."
"Revolutions are never quiet," I say.
"That's why we keep our heads down and help who we can," Willem says. "Violence is not nearly as important as continuing our work."
"So you help brainwash them and then you help free them," I say. "I'm pretty sure that's what people call a paradox."
"If I didn't continue my work to the government's standards, I would be arrested and a different scientist would be sent in my place. I know the man they'll send should I leave. He will
take everything from you. My work only takes away the will to rebel."
"And makes people happy about their enslavement," I say.
"Wouldn't you rather be happy than depressed about obedience you can't change?" Willem asks.
"I would rather have a choice," I say.
"You have the choice to leave," Ace tells me pointedly.
"It's not really a choice," I say.
I take a deep breath. I know I'm throwing my future away. He's giving me a one-time offer to leave. He will never ask again. He respects my choice too much to pester me about it. I will be like the others. I will lose my will to the game. Maybe Willem is right and being happy is better. My mind will be at peace. I instantly push away the thought. It's a lie. But, if Ace is right, I will see Max again if I stay. He matters more.
"I'm staying," I say. "And nothing you say will persuade me otherwise."
Ace takes a deep breath as well. He looks at Willem pointedly. It's like Ace told him I would refuse to leave. Am I so transparent? Or is Ace simply a good read of character? Ace looks down at his hands. He picks at the skin on his hand for a minute. "Your choice," he tells me.
The words make me feel powerful. It's the first real choice I've had since my home was destroyed. It might be the wrong choice, but it's mine. I own it fully.
"I can't keep looking out for you, though," Ace tells me. "The others will think I'm making a pet of you."
"What a choice of words," I scold him.
"It's the way they think," he replies.
"Hold on a second," Willem says thoughtfully.
Ace and I look over at him. His face is pinched with thought. His mind has turned inwards as he contemplates whatever thought has occurred to him. He's thinking his way through a problem. I imagine it is the same expression he has when considering how to fully brainwash us into obeying.
"Why can't you make a pet of her?" Willem asks.
"Because it will draw attention to her," Ace replies. "And to me. They think her a rebel. I don't want them to think the same of me. I don't need the attention."
At least he's honest.
"If we can find a way for her to prove her loyalty to the government and seemingly impress you at the same time..." Willem says. "You might be able to give her all the protection your status offers."
"I don't want to be anyone's pet," I say.
"Hush," Willem tells me.
I clamp my mouth together as he works through the problem, though my mind rebels. I don't want to be Ace's plaything. I don't want anything from him. Even if he's a better person than I originally assumed, he's still friends with Gib. He's still loyal to the city. There are too many parts of him I don't like.
Ace looks down at his watch as Willem contemplates how to save my life. I stare at the far wall and try to figure out why they're so serious about helping me. I'm a nobody. I've learned they help people like me, but there are far more people they don't. And I get the feeling they have never showed anyone this much attention. It's not logical. Has Ace already made a pet of me? The thought does not make me happy, for reasons that don't really make sense as I list them out.
Why am I mostly upset that he sees me as a pet instead of a person?
"She needs to go," Ace says. "Time's up."
Willem nods. "We don't have to make a decision now. We can think on it."
Ace agrees, though I sense his hesitation. I don't know if it comes from his uncertainty in continuing to help me when I have made it very clear I'm determined to stay or something else. His expression tells me nothing.
"Try not to do anything stupid when they let you out tomorrow..." Ace adds.
"Will you be there?" I ask before I can stop myself.
"No," he replies.
He stands abruptly and walks into Willem's private quarters. He closes the door behind him without a word and I look over at Willem. Willem doesn't react to Ace's abrupt departure. He stands as well, his expression gentle, and leads me over to the door. He turns off the humming device and whispers, "Try to look groggy when you leave."
I can manage looking tired. Our conversation has worn me out more than I thought words could. The weariness goes all the way to my soul. I have given up on freedom. It's stupid and foolish, but it's the right thing. I will see Max again. Nothing will stand in my way.
Chapter 19