That made me feel strange so I changed channels. There was nothing on but adverts. Jas came in with her shoulders all slouched and said Dad’s asleep now and she sounded relieved and I felt bad. I hadn’t helped her at all. I’d just turned the TV up as loud as it would go so I didn’t have to hear the sick splattering the toilet. Jas said He’ll be better tomorrow. I said Want to play Guess The Advert, which is a game I invented where you have to shout out what is being advertised before it says it on the TV. She nodded but then an advert we’d never seen came on so we couldn’t play. It showed a big theatre and a man said Britain’s Biggest Talent Show makes your dreams come true. Ring this number to change your life and I thought how nice it would be to pick up the phone like a grown up and order a different life as if it was a pizza or something. I’d ask for a dad who didn’t drink and a mum who hadn’t left, but I wouldn’t change Jas one little bit.
You can’t wear that tomorrow Jas said, nodding at my t-shirt. We are sprinkling Rose’s ashes and Dad wants us to wear black. I shouted Coco Pops ’cos a Kellogg’s advert had just come on the TV.
I must have grown since London. All my clothes are too small. I wore black trousers and a black jumper over the top of my Spider-Man t-shirt but you could still see some red and blue around the collar. When Jas saw me, she rolled her eyes, but Dad didn’t notice. He just stared at the urn, which he’d put on the table in the kitchen while we had breakfast. It looked like a giant salt pot but I don’t think Rose would taste that good on chips.
It took two hours to get to St. Bees and we listened to the same tape we always do on the anniversary. Again and again and again. Play. Stop. Rewind. Play. Stop. Rewind. The tape is going all crackly but you can still hear Mum playing the piano and my sisters singing The Courage To Fly. Your smile lifts my soul into the sky. Your strength gives me the courage to fly. A kite, I soar so grounded yet free. Your love brings out the best in me. They recorded it for Dad’s birthday about three months before Rose died.
Perfect Dad said on Rose’s solo bit, sounding choked. Voice of an angel. Anyone with ears can hear that Jas is a better singer and I told her so when we were in the car. Wasn’t hard. We were squashed up in the back. Rose had the front seat. Dad even put a seatbelt around the urn but forgot to tell me about mine.
We came off the motorway and went down a hill and all of a sudden there was the sea, a line of blue all straight and sparkly as though someone had drawn it with a glitter pen and ruler. The line got thicker and thicker as we got closer and closer and Dad’s seatbelt must have been too tight ’cos he started pulling it away from his chest as if it was stopping him from breathing. When we pulled into the car park, Dad tugged at his collar and a button pinged off and hit the exact middle of the steering wheel. I shouted Bull’s eye but no one laughed. The tap of Dad’s fingers on the dashboard sounded like a horse galloping.
I was just wondering if there’d be any donkeys on the beach, when Jas opened the car door. Dad jumped. She walked to the ticket machine and pushed in some coins. By the time the ticket appeared, Dad was standing in the car park, the urn hugged against his chest. Hurry up he said and I undid my seat belt and climbed out of the door. St. Bees smelled like fish and chips and my tummy rumbled.
When we walked over the pebbles to the sea, I saw five good skimmers. Skimmers are flat stones that bounce on water if you throw them in the right way. Jas taught me how to do it once. I wanted to pick up the skimmers and play but I was scared of making Dad mad. He slipped on some seaweed and the urn almost ended up on the beach, which would have been bad. Rose’s ashes are as small as sand particles so they would have got all mixed up. I shouldn’t really know this but I had a look inside the urn when I was eight. Wasn’t that exciting. I’d imagined the ashes to be all multi-coloured, beige ones for skin and white ones for bones. I didn’t expect them to look so boring.
It was windy so the waves hit the beach hard and disappeared into froth, like shaken-up Coke. I wanted to take my shoes off and paddle but it didn’t seem like the right thing to do. Dad started to say goodbye. He said the same things he said last year, and the year before that. Stuff about never forgetting her. Stuff about setting her free. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something orange and green swoop through the air. I looked up, squinting into the sun, to see a kite whiz past clouds, turning all the wind into something beautiful.
Say something Jas said and I lowered my head. Dad was staring at me. I didn’t know how long he had been waiting for me to speak. I put my hand on the urn and made my face go all serious and said Goodbye Rose and You have been a good sister, which is a lie, and I will miss you, which is an even bigger lie. I couldn’t wait to get rid of her.
Dad actually opened the urn. In all the anniversaries that I can remember, we had never got this far before. Jas swallowed hard. I stopped breathing. Everything disappeared except Dad’s fingers, Rose’s ashes and a perfect diamond shape, darting through the sky. I noticed a deep cut on Dad’s middle finger, and I wondered how he’d done it and if it hurt. He tried to push his fingers into the top of the urn but they were too big. He blinked a few times and clenched his jaw. His palm trembled as he held it out. It looked dry, like the hand of an old man. He tilted the urn, then changed his mind. He tilted it a second time, further than before. The top of the urn almost touched his palm. A few grey specks dropped out. He snapped the urn straight back up, breathing hard. I stared at the ashes on his hand, wondering which bit of Rose they were. Skull. Toe. Ribs. They could have been anything. With his thumb, Dad touched them gently, whispering things that I couldn’t hear.
Dad’s fingers curled around the ashes. His knuckles turned white as he squeezed. He looked up at the sky. He looked down at the beach. He turned his head towards me and then stared at Jas. It seemed as though he wanted someone to shout DON’T DO IT but we stayed silent. I thought he was going to open his hand and let the ashes flutter away in the breeze, but he gave the urn to Jas and took a step forward. The sea swirled around his shoes. I felt my cheeks go red. Dad looked mental. Even Jas coughed in an embarrassed way. A wave broke on his shins, drenching his jeans. He took another step forward. Salt water fizzed around his kneecaps. Slowly, he lifted his arm into the air and held out his fist. Somewhere behind us a girl cheered as the kite soared.
Just as Dad opened his fingers, there was a strong gust of wind. It ripped the kite from the sky and blew ashes into Dad’s face. As Dad sneezed out Rose, the girl screamed and a man with a strong accent shouted It’s coming down. Dad’s head snapped back to the beach. I followed his gaze and saw a big brown hand trying to control the kite string.
Dad swore loudly, shaking his head. The kite hit the ground and the man laughed. He put his arm around a girl and she giggled too. Dad squelched onto the beach and snatched the urn off Jas. Even though she had replaced the lid, he pressed it down hard, glaring at the man as if the wind had been his fault.
You okay Jas muttered. Tears swelled in Dad’s eyes and made me think of those drops you get from the chemist when you have an infection or hay fever or haven’t eaten enough carrots.
Do you want me to – I mean, I could do it, if you like. I could scatter the—
But before Jas could finish, Dad turned away. Without a word, he walked back to the car, the urn tucked tightly in his left hand. I quickly picked up a skimmer and threw it into the sea. It bounced five times, which for me is an all-time record.
MRS FARMER SAT down on her chair on Monday morning. She read out the announcements. There was one about gardening club and one about recorders and one about the football team. My ears pricked up when she said The Headmaster’s running trials on Wednesday at 3pm. Meet on the school field and bring your football boots. Then she did the register. Everyone answered Yes Miss, but Daniel said Yes Mrs Farmer. I was surprised he didn’t bow. His angel’s on the fifth cloud already. Sunya’s angel is on the fourth and most people’s are on the third. Mine is the only one still on the first cloud.
What did you do at the weekend M
rs Farmer asked and everyone started shouting at once. I kept quiet. One at a time Mrs Farmer said, pointing in my direction. Jamie first. What fun things did you get up to. I thought about the sea, and I thought about the ashes, and I thought about the candles that Dad lit around Rose once she was back on the mantelpiece. My weekend was too hard to explain. Can I go to the toilet I asked. Mrs Farmer sighed. School has only just started she replied, which wasn’t a yes or a no so I didn’t know what to do. I half got up and then sat down. Tell me about your weekend she snapped, as if I was being difficult on purpose.
There was a tinkle of metal and a whoosh of air as Sunya’s hand shot towards the ceiling. Please, Mrs Farmer, can I tell you she asked. Without waiting for an answer, Sunya said I met Jamie’s sisters. My jaw almost hit the table. Oh, the twins Mrs Farmer smiled, leaning forward in her chair. Sunya nodded. They are really nice she said. Both of them. Mrs Farmer looked at me with her colourless eyes and said Remind me of their names. I cleared my throat. Jas I said, and then I hesitated. And Rose Sunya added. We all went to the beach and we had ice creams and chocolate and collected shells and found mermaids and they taught us how to breathe under water. Mrs Farmer blinked. How lovely she said before starting the lesson.
You’re a freak Daniel said at playtime and everybody laughed. I was sitting on the field on my own, staring at my shoe as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. And your girlfriend’s a freak too. Everyone roared again. It sounded like there were hundreds of them and I didn’t dare turn around. I untied my lace for something to do. Weirdo he shouted. Finding mermaids and wearing that stinky t-shirt. I tried to tie a bow but my fingers were shaking. I pressed my teeth into my kneecap and the pain felt good.
I like his t-shirt someone yelled and my heart stopped beating. Sunya sounded breathless, as if she had run from miles away to come to my rescue. The thought made me happy and cross all at the same time. You are such a sissy Daniel went on, and everyone said things like Yeah and What a gay boy. Daniel waited until they were quiet. Getting a girl to stand up for you rather than face me like a man. This sounded so stupid I might have laughed if I hadn’t been worried about getting my head kicked in. Men don’t wear daisy chains Sunya shouted and the crowd went Ooooh. Daniel couldn’t think of a reply. I looked around. Sunya had her hands on her hips and her headscarf was blowing in the wind. Girl M.
Whatever Daniel sighed at last, trying to sound bored, but his face was as pale as his mousey hair and he knew that he had lost. And he knew that I knew and he stared at me with such hatred it made me shiver. Let’s leave these two losers alone. He walked off, laughing too loudly when Ryan told a joke. And then there was just Sunya and me and it was so quiet I felt like I was inside a TV and someone had pressed the mute button.
I wanted to say You are brave and I wanted to say Thank you. Most of all I wanted to ask if she still had my Blu-Tack ring, but the words were stuck in my throat like the chicken bone I swallowed when I was six. Sunya didn’t seem to mind. She smiled at me and her eyes twinkled and she pointed to the scarf and then she ran off.
For the first time since Mum left, I’m pleased she doesn’t live with us any more. The Headmaster’s going to phone tonight. He said Thieves won’t be tolerated at Ambleside Primary. And Mrs Farmer took my angel off cloud one and put it back in the bottom left corner.
It happened after lunchtime. Daniel and Ryan complained that their watches had been stolen. Then Alexandra and Maisie said their earrings had gone too. I didn’t think anything of it at first. In London stuff went missing all the time. It wasn’t a big deal. But here it was like the number one most serious thing of all time. Everyone gasped. Mrs Farmer jumped up. The hairs on her mole stood to attention like those soldiers in army films.
She made us all empty out our drawers. She made us all turn out our pockets. She made us all tip the contents of our P.E. bags onto the carpet. The missing jewellery fell out of mine. Sunya swore so loudly she got sent out of the room. I got marched off to the Headmaster.
God is watching us all the time Mrs Farmer said as we walked through the library on the way to the Headmaster’s office. Even when we think we are alone, He can see what we are doing. I thought about being on the toilet and hoped this wasn’t true. Mrs Farmer stopped in front of the non-fiction section and turned to look at me. She kept blinking and her breath smelled of coffee. I am disappointed in you, James Matthews she said, waggling a fat finger in my face. Shocked and disappointed. We have welcomed you into our school, into our community, and while this might be the sort of thing that happens in London, it is – I stamped my foot and the bookshelves shook and Electricity Made Easy fell onto the carpet. I didn’t do it I shouted. It wasn’t me. Mrs Farmer pursed her lips. We’ll see about that.
If I was a thief, I wouldn’t be stupid enough to keep the jewellery I’d stolen in my P.E. bag. I’d put it in my pants and take it home instead. I tried to explain this to the Headmaster but it came out wrong and I sounded like a pervert.
Sunya waited for me after school. She was sitting outside the Headmaster’s office. She said Daniel set you up and I said I know. I suddenly felt annoyed. If she hadn’t made Daniel cross, he wouldn’t have put his watch in my P.E. bag and I wouldn’t be in trouble. Sunya tried to say something nice but I shouted Just leave me alone and I ran off, even though the sign says Walk Quietly In The Corridors.
I sprinted all the way home, scared the Headmaster would phone before I got back to the cottage. My fringe was sticking to my forehead by the time I pushed open the front door. I braced myself the way you do on Bonfire Night and a firework’s about to go BANG. But all I could hear was a snore and I was so relieved that my knees gave way.
If Dad’s been drinking all day then he’ll be asleep all night and I’ll get to the phone first. And then I can pretend to be him and he will never know that the Headmaster of my new school thinks that I’m a thief. In a deep voice I will say My son is trustworthy. Surely you can see that he has been set up, and the Headmaster will say I am so sorry, and I will say No harm done, and the Headmaster will say Is there anything I can do, and I will say If you pick James for the football team on Wednesday, we’ll forget all about it.
Jas got home and found me leaning on the kitchen wall by the phone. I tried to make it look natural, like it was just dead comfortable to have the back of my head pressed against the hard wall, but she didn’t buy it. What’s going on she asked and I blurted everything out. She frowned when I told her about Daniel, but she laughed when I said I’d shouted Men don’t wear daisy chains. It felt nice that she was proud of me, even though it was a lie.
The Head had no idea he was speaking to my fifteen-year-old sister rather than Mum. She sounded so grown up on the phone. She told him that unless he had an eyewitness who saw me put the jewellery in my P.E. bag, it would be unfair to punish me. I could hear the Headmaster stutter. She said that unless he was one hundred percent sure that I hadn’t been set up by another member of the class, it would be wrong to put me in detention. The Headmaster didn’t even reply. She said Thank you for informing me of this matter but I am certain that James is innocent and then the Head said Thank you for your time, Mrs Matthews and she said Goodbye and hung up. Then we both started to laugh and we couldn’t stop and then we had our tea. We had chicken nuggets and microwave chips in front of the TV. Jas didn’t eat hers so I got double. She said You’ll never manage all that but I ignored her. I can eat more than anyone else I know, and at those All-You-Can-Eat pizza places, I can stuff down thirteen slices, or fifteen if you don’t include the crusts. Jas said You’re a pig but I said Shush. That advert for Britain’s Biggest Talent Show had come on again and it had got me thinking.
THE ENGINE STOPPED right outside the cottage and that’s when I knew it was Mum in the car. I’d been listening to something rumble down the road but I’d forced myself to stay in bed. I’d run to the window too many times to see Mum turn into milkmen with bottles, or farmers in tractors, or neighbours coming home from work. I c
ouldn’t face it happening again. But this time the car didn’t zoom past the cottage. This time the car pulled into our drive. Mr Walker must have let Mum have time off at last. I jumped out of bed and straightened my t-shirt and spat on my hand and rubbed it through my hair. Even though Mum hates driving, she’d sped a million miles up the dark motorway ’cos she was so desperate to see me.
I ran to the door and Roger followed me across the room. I was about to turn the handle when I heard a floorboard creak. Jas was tiptoeing across the landing, giggling into her mobile phone. She said I can’t believe you’re here. I waited for her to knock on my door and say Mum’s parked outside, but she walked straight past my room and disappeared down the stairs.
I followed. Roger kept wrapping himself around my ankles, excited that I was out of bed so late at night. It made it difficult to walk so I picked him up and he purred. I held him against my chest and crept after Jas. I didn’t realise I was holding my breath until I reached the bottom of the stairs and my lungs started to ache. Jas was in the porch, a silhouette against the glass. She had her arms wrapped around Mum, whose face was buried in Jas’s shoulder.
Granny says that people go green with envy. I don’t think that’s true. Green is calm. Green is fresh. Green is clean and cool, like mint toothpaste. Envy is red. It burns your veins and sets fire to your tummy.